Date: 6/23/14
Subject: D-2333
Purpose: Preliminary testing of SCP-XXXX
Pre-test: D-2333 was introduced to the test chamber with SCP-XXXX, a blank notecard, and a pencil. Communication was achieved via the test chamber’s intercom.
Transcript:
[Dr. Fagles]: Please take the pencil and write “one plus one equals question mark” on the blank side of the provided notecard.
7 second pause, sounds of writing
[Dr. Fagles]: No, an actual question mark, not the word question mark.
11 second pause, sounds of erasing and writing
[D-2333]: Like this?
[Dr. Fagles]: Yes. Please insert the notecard into the provided box and close the lid. *off mic* Kill the video feed.
11 second pause, sounds of movement.
[D-2333]: Done
[Dr. Fagles]: Please remove the notecard from the box.
6 second pause.
[SCP-XXXX-2-a]: Oh. Huh.
[Dr. Fagles]: Have you observed the back side of the notecard?
[SCP-XXXX-2-a]: Yeah, it says…
13 second pause
[Dr. Fagles]: What does it say?
4 second pause
[SCP-XXXX-2-a]: I can’t say. I’m sorry, I’m trying. (Subject sounds concerned.)
[Dr. Fagles]: Don’t worry about it. Please leave the notecard on the table with the side you wrote on face up and tell me when this is complete.
[SCP-XXXX-2-a]: Yep. Done.
[Dr. Fagles]: Thank you.
END LOG
Post-test: The instance of SCP-XXXX-1 was recovered and stored. SCP-XXXX-2-a was escorted to a Euclid Humanoid Containment Cell without incident. 9 days later, SCP-XXXX-2-a was diagnosed with a heart condition and prescribed 2 pills of ██████████ daily with breakfast.
Date: 7/5/14
Subject: D-2372
Purpose: To see if a SCP-XXXX-2 “encounter” can be artificially created
Pre-test: D-2372 was introduced to the test chamber with SCP-XXXX, an 8”x11” notecard, a pencil, and a time bomb with remote arming and disarming capabilities. Communication was achieved via the test chamber’s intercom.
Transcript (Abridged):
[Jr. Researcher Price]: Please approach the table and pick up the pencil. Then write “one plus one equals question mark” on the blank side of the provided notecard
14 second pause
[Jr. Researcher Price]: Please place the notecard in the box and close the lid, and verbally confirm when this is done. (Video recording ends)
7 second pause, sounds of movement
[D-2372]: Finished.
[Jr. Researcher Price]: Please open the box and remove the notecard. Read aloud what is written on the other side of the notecard
23 second pause
[SCP-XXXX-2-b]: Ummmmmm…..
[Jr. Researcher Price]: It is okay if you are unable to communicate the answer. Please confirm that you have observed and understand what is written on that side of the card.
[SCP-XXXX-2-b]: Yes, I understand.
[Jr. Researcher Price]: Once again, it is okay if you cannot answer the question, but can you tell me if it is a number?
6 second pause
[SCP-XXXX-2-b]: Yeah, I got nothing.
[Jr. Researcher Price]: Thank you. On the table there is a bomb with three buttons. After I finish-
[SCP-XXXX-2-b]: I’m sorry, a fucking bomb?! (Subject sounds panicked.)
[Jr. Researcher Price]: It’s not armed; calm down and let me finish. To disarm the bomb once it is armed, you will have to press any two of the three buttons of the bomb. You will have five minutes to do so, starting now.
Bomb is armed
[SCP-XXXX-2-b]: Wait wait wait wait wait wait. Hang on. What?!
[Jr. Researcher Price]: Press any two buttons on the bomb, and no more than two, in the next five minutes, or it will explode and you will die.
5 second pause
[SCP-XXXX-2-b]: Any of these buttons? (Subject still sounds panicked)
[Jr. Researcher Price]: Any two of those buttons.
[SCP-XXXX-2-b]: Like, at the same time, or…
[Jr. Researcher Price]: It doesn’t matter, just disarm the bomb.
4 second pause, sounds of clicking
[SCP-XXXX-2-b]: Okay, the light is green, and the timer stopped. Are we good?
[Jr. Researcher Price]: Yes, it’s disarmed. Thank you.
[SCP-XXXX-2-b]: Oh my god, fuck you people.
Post-test: The instance of SCP-XXXX-1 was recovered and stored. SCP-XXXX-2-b, visibly distressed, was escorted to a Euclid Humanoid Containment Cell without incident. 2 weeks later, during a minor containment breach, SCP-XXXX-2-b was held at gunpoint by Site Security Personnel [REDACTED] with a standard issue double-barrel DP-12 shotgun. SCP-XXXX-2-b was armed with a glass shard, and following ROE, [REDACTED] attempted to fire upon the subject. The weapon misfired, and SCP-XXXX-2-b lunged to attack [REDACTED]. SCP-XXXX-2-b was then terminated with a shot from the second barrel.
Jr. Researcher Price was reprimanded per Dr. Fagles’s request, and was forbidden from individual testing for the foreseeable future.
Extended Audio File from Test on 8/5/14
9 second pause
[Jr. Researcher Price]: I think I just grew some gray hair. How can someone not understand “push any two buttons”?
[Explosives Technician Goldberg]: Yeah, well…whatever. I actually gotta run or I’m gonna be late. You need anything else?
[Jr. Researcher Price]: Yeah, can you tell me how to disconnect this defuser from the desk? Because I can’t for the life of me-
Sound of door slamming open
[Dr. Fagles]: Out of the way.
Sounds of movement, two mechanical clicks
[Jr. Researcher Price]: It’s already def-
[Dr. Fagles]: Goldberg. Get out. Now.
Door can be heard closing
Dr. Fagles can be heard breathing.
[Dr. Fagles]: Are you shitting me?
[Jr. Researcher Price]: Wh-
[Dr. Fagles]: Don’t “what” me! Do you realize what you just did?!
3 second pause
[Dr. Fagles]: Do you?!
4 second pause
[Jr. Researcher Price]: N-
Sounds of movement
[Dr. Fagles]: What is that?
[Jr. Researcher Price]: SCP-XXXX
[Dr. Fagles]: Yes. What is that?
[Jr. Researcher Price]: A bomb.
[Dr. Fagles]: (Sounds of clapping) Good job. Yes, it is a bomb…
[Dr. Fagles]: …a bomb which is located IN THE SAME ROOM AS THAT SCP!
[Jr. Researcher Price]: Oh come on, that’s not fair. I had my finger on the defuser the whole ti-
[Dr. Fagles]: GET OUT!
Sounds of movement, door opening and closing.
Sound of a desk chair creaking, a loud sigh.
END LOG
Date: 9/14/14
Purpose: Preliminary testing on SCP-XXXX
Pre-test: D-2964 was introduced to the test chamber with SCP-XXXX, an 8”x11” notecard, and a pencil. Communication was achieved via the test chamber’s intercom.
Transcript:
[Dr. Fagles]: Please approach the table and write on the notecard, “What color is the sky?”
Sigh can be heard in background
[Dr. Fagles]: I’m sorry, is there a problem?
[Jr. Researcher Price]: We’ve been doing testing nonstop for three months, and this is what we’re on? “The sky is blue”?
[Dr. Fagles]: Well, maybe if you didn’t-
[Jr. Researcher Price]: Yes, maybe if I didn’t screw up that one time, things would be different. Can’t you give me another chance? I’ve learned from that, and you know it.
[Dr. Fagles]: No, actually, I don’t know that, but show me that you’ve learned: What tests would you rather be doing?
Soft sigh, 1 second pause.
[Jr. Researcher Price]: What was MC&D doing with this object? Blackmailing people-
[Dr. Fagles]: Oh. Yeah, okay, that’s exactly what’ll convince-
[Jr. Researcher Price]: Let me finish. These were people’s deepest, darkest secrets, powerful people, and they could just get that information whenever they wanted? On a whim? It’s pretty telling that it was never put on sale by them, one of the only objects which they’ve kept for personal use. Honestly? If I were you I’d give this Thaumiel classification immed-
Sounds of laughter
[Jr. Researcher Price]: What? It's not that far fetched to have a literal oracle under-
[Dr. Fagles]: Alright, now you listen to me for a second. First, there's a reason I test so much, and it's not because I'm stodgy and boring, or, like, an academic of a bygone time or whatever. Look at the encounter effect. There's no way we would've caught that if we had just tested a few times and called it a day. I've seen way too many supposedly Safe SCPs get bumped up to Keter because the research team didn't put in the time until it blew up in their face, and people die, reality fractures, and O5 throws a shitfit. Okay, and second, what is the purpose of the Foundation? Secure, Contain, Protect, right? Thaumiel does not fit that formula. It doesn't.
5 second pause
[Dr. Price]: ……and?
[Dr. Fagles]: And nothing. According to the founding principles of this Foundation, they shouldn't exist.
[Dr. Price]: Wait, are you serious? You're saying we should not have Thaumiel classification?
[Dr. Falges]: I'm saying that according to the Foundation itself we shouldn't. Hell, you know what MC&D effectively does? Secures, contains, and protects. What sets us apart or what should set us apart is that we don't use SCPs to benefit us. Thaumiel SCPs are exceptions, and they are hypocritical exceptions.
[Dr. Price]: And you don't think this is exceptional?
[Dr. Falges]: Listen, I really hope it’s just that you haven’t been here long enough, otherwise you contest that guy for intelligence, and he can’t even spell “color”.
Sounds of erasing
[Jr. Researcher Price]: (Whispering) Did you leave the mic on?
[Dr. Fagles]: Oh, motherfu-
[D-2964]: Alright, I’ll tell you what, you damn Yankee, if you dunna know ‘ow we spell “colour”, yaar mighty uneducated yoreself, ya hea-
END LOG
Post-test: Testing terminated prematurely, amnestics administered to D-2964.
Date: 10/23/14
Purpose: Long term active surveillance of SCP-XXXX-2-ab, 3rd day
Pre-test: Observation of SCP-XXXX-2-ab is conducted via surviellance camera located within SCP-XXXX-3-ab's containment. Intercom disconnected, surveyor recorded in case of anomalous reaction.
Transcript:
Sound of door opening
[Jr. Researcher Jenny]: Back.
[Jr. Researcher Price]: What did you get me?
[Jr. Researcher Jenny]: Egg salad.
[Jr. Researcher Price]: Out of tuna?
[Jr. Researcher Jenny]: I got the last one.
[Jr. Researcher Jenny]: Bastard.
Sounds of soft chuckling and wax paper crinkling
[Jr. Researcher Price]: So you need to get back to your work?
[Jr. Researcher Jenny]: No, something confidential going on, I'm guessing clandestine testing or whatever. (Brief pause, sounds of chewing) Perks of a Keter.
[Jr. Researcher Price]: Best goddamn attitude I've ever seen.
[Jr. Researcher Jenny]: It's not that bad. They really like to protect the senior researchers, so as long as I stay near him I'm safe enough.
[Jr. Researcher Price]: How is yours, by the way?
[Jr. Researcher Jenny]: I wonder why you'd ask that question.
[Jr. Researcher Price]: What do you mean?
[Jr. Researcher Jenny]: Hang on. I'm getting a premonition. (Mimicking stereotypical fortune teller voice) You are looking for an excuse to bitch about your SR.
[Jr. Researcher Price]: Har har. I guess you've heard about that then.
[Jr. Researcher Jenny]: What do you have a problem with? He seems alright.
[Jr. Researcher Price]: We fundamentally disagree on certain things.
[Jr. Researcher Jenny]: Such as?
2 seconds of silence, sounds of eating
[Jr. Researcher Price]: What do you think of Thaumiels?
[Jr. Researcher Jenny]: What about them?
[Jr. Researcher Price]: If they should exist at all. Technically they don't fall into what the Foundation hopes to achieve with these anomalies, you know, "Secure, Contain, Protect". He thinks that Thaumiels basically make us like any other GoI, and that we're hypocrites by having them.
[Jr. Researcher Jenny]: Well, personally, I think that's stupid, because think about it this way. Most Thaumiels are used by the Foundation to help those causes, directly or indirectly. If not that, then it's something bigger, like preserving humanity or something. That's a relatively simple inference to make.
[Jr. Researcher Price]: That makes sense.
[Jr. Researcher Jenny]: In my opinion, he probably had a bad experience with one of the older Thaumiels, like, ummmmmm, that Biblical super-soldier thing. "Pandora's Box", I think it was called. From what I read, that turned into a huge problem not just for the Foundation because of the warhead detonation, but also because of the fact they lost the trust of a lot of the researchers. There was this one doctor in charge of the whole thing who was essentially abusing his power and demoting people because they didn't agree with him or was telling them to not let the insane death machine go on giant murder rampages. Not to mention that they WERE right and then O5 tried to sweep the whole thing under the rug. Those experiences stay with you longer than you think, so it would make sense that older researchers would be more trepidatious concerning Thaumiels.
[Jr. Researcher Price]: Don't you think that's blinding? That shouldn't be a buffer to progress. Look at this. I've been watching people screw around in containment for about a month, and we haven't seen anything out of the ordinary. Think about all the good this could've done already. Think of all the unanswered questions the Foundation has. My opinion? I think he's too scared to take a chance.
[Jr. Researcher Jenny]: Well, if you think that, why don't you try to prove that to him? You are a researcher after all.
[Jr. Researcher Price]: Can't. He took away my private research privileges indefinitely and won't give them back basically because he doesn't agree with me.
[Jr. Researcher Jenny]: That's bullshit. Almost sounds like something to take up with the Site Director.
[Jr. Researcher Price]: That would actually make things worse. He was his SR when he was a junior.
[Jr. Researcher Jenny]: Wow, tough crowd.
3 second pause
[Jr. Researcher Price]: I mean…what about this then: I do private testing without permission, prove them wrong, take whatever reprimand they'd be obliged to give me, and be better off for it by the end.
[Jr. Researcher Jenny]: You think that would work?
[Jr. Researcher Price]: I'm boxed into a corner here. At this rate, we'll be doing initial testing until I retire, and I really do believe in making this SCP Thaumiel. This is incredibly powerful, and has the potential to solve pretty much any problem in the world. How do we stop world hunger? How do we institute world peace? Anything you can think of
[Jr. Researcher Jenny]: I don't know man. You'd better be really careful-
Sounds of intermittent light buzzing
[Jr. Researcher Price]: Wh-
[Jr. Researcher Jenny]: Shhh.
Buzzing ends
[Jr. Researcher Jenny]: Always some emergency. That was my SVP, gotta go.
[Jr. Researcher Price]: What does that stand for?
[Jr. Researcher Jenny]: Subdermal Vibrational Pager. It's in my leg.
[Jr. Researcher Price]: What the fuck? Are you serious?
[Jr. Researcher Jenny]: Just Keter things. Gotta blast, see you.
Door closes
[Jr. Researcher Price]: Just Keter things…
END LOG
Date: 12/15/14
Purpose: Subjective/opinion testing of SCP-XXXX
Pre-test: D-3254 was introduced to the test chamber with SCP-XXXX, an 8”x11” notecard, and a pencil. Communication was achieved via the test chamber’s intercom.
Transcript:
[Dr. Fagles]: Good morning, D-3254. Recently you completed a survey, and we would like to confirm these answers. Do you remember taking the survey?
[D-3254]: You guys send a lot of surveys, just ask me the questions.
[Dr. Fagles]: Were you once an avid NBA watcher?
[D-3254]: Oh yeah, I remember this. Yeah, I was.
[Dr. Fagles]: Did you hold any special allegiance to any particular team?
[D-3254]: Yeah, I was a huge Raptors fan.
[Dr. Fagles]: Do you believe that the Raptors have, or had, the best-
Sounds of retching
[Dr. Fagles]: Woah. Oh shit.
Intercom disconnected, recording continues
[Dr. Fagles]: Price, you okay? I’ll call a janitor, don’t worry about…
Sounds of sniffling
[Dr. Fagles]: Are you crying?
Sounds of heavy breathing.
Sounds of chuckling
[Dr. Fagles]: Sorry, I shouldn’t be laughing. Every researcher hits this at some point. No one is invincible, especially after watching person after person go through anomaly after anomaly all for the greater good of humanity, it takes its toll.
6 second pause
[Dr. Fagles]: God, and the Site Director, knows I had the same reaction. So don’t feel bad about taking a break. It’s okay. There’s no way…what are you holding?
13 second pause
[Dr. Fagles]: No.
5 second pause, sounds of movement.
[Dr. Fagles]: No. You didn’t.
4 second pause
[SCP-XXXX-2-ei]: I’m sorry.
END LOG
Post-test: Testing terminated prematurely due to containment breach. The instance of SCP-XXXX-1 was recovered and stored. D-3254 was administered amnestics. SCP-XXXX-2-ei was successfully apprehended and contained in a standard Keter Humanoid Containment Cell. After approval from the on-site director, SCP-XXXX-2-ei’s containment was moved to be directly adjacent to SCP-682’s containment to possibly minimize the severity of future containment breaches.
Apparently SCP-XXXX is now an O5 matter, because the only time O5 can actually be bothered to care is when they’re caught with their thumbs up their ass. As such, I would like to formally request that SCP-XXXX be required reading for all incoming researchers and other staff who it may concern. There is a reason the SCP Foundation operates the way it does. We do not exist to solve the world's problems. We do not exist to use these anomalies for our own gain. We exist to do three very simple goddamn things, not more, not less. I thought this was not a hard concept to understand, and I suppose it's not; It's just that no one seems to understand why.