a crit for bluejones

The big crit

Okay, so, to start off the bat-io, I will admit I have no idea what I just read, lmao, so so consider this an outsiders perspective. I'll admit the clinical tone felt loose throughout the reading - not to the point where it was bad, simply to the point where it felt less-then-professionally written. This could be improved by reading aloud (side note: is english your first language? Genuinely curious, but feel free not to answer :3). Your description is somewhat confusing at parts. What I mean by this is I have a difficult time grasping the concept you're trying to convey. It's a building with entities, I know that much, but I have difficulty reading deeper. (But I am also dumb and can't read for anything so XP)

My biggest qualm here is how the dialogue works out as a whole. It's fairly straightforward, yes, but it feels much more like description extended over actual characters engaging in a one-to-one conversation (though this isn't one-to-one). I'd recommend reworking the dialogue more, as I don't feel to emotionally attached.

I won't bother the narrative to much, however, I will make a few comments overall. I guess I won't make comments then.

Ifeellikeimtakingtolongwiththisespeciallyconsideringthativespenthalfanhourwritingouttwoparagraphssoimasendthistoyouandhopethisishelpful;-;