Per 
- hi
- An explanation of this funky bullshit ("Format Screwed")
- Basic Text (idea 1) ("Format Screwed")
- version 2 (less annoying gimmick) ("Format Screwed")
- A Painting of "A Painting of Nothing"
- Welcome To Tally Hall i g uess lol
- blame calibri bold for this one ("The Pit, but metaphorically speaking")
- Chair.
welcome to my page of drafts - alex
I'm writing "Format Screwed" *that's a mainlist title* which may or may not be a J depending on how dumb I'm feeling when I post it where there's a whole lot of format screws that there's a different one every time you reload the article, and because to make it more convenient for crit I'll work on it in tabs here
Item Number or whatever I'm too tired to look up the actual format rn (that won't be in the final article it'll be the proper way to write the Item Number ok): SCP-XXXX
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: Documentation affected by SCP-XXXX is detected by Foundation Artificially Intelligent Webcrawler AIW-XXXX.A, which will attempt through various means (described in Document AIW-1034 "Type-ρ AIWs and You") to either delete the offending document or remove it from as many computers as possible. As of 6/30/2021, there is no documentation other then the document labeled SCP-XXXX affected by SCP-XXXX. If the anomaly spreads, previous procedure will be re-instated.
Description: SCP-XXXX is a phenomenon affecting formal documentation that describes scientific procedures. Affected documents
Date: 6/30/2021
Title: A Painting Of Nothing
Material Requirements:
- One.. uh… normal sized canvas, I guess. (Already in my possession.)
- Magic voodoo bullshit. (Already in my possession.)
Abstract: I don't know what that word means. Hold on a sec.
Ok so google says that's "existing in thought or as an idea but not having a physical or concrete existence." Uh, yeah, that describes my art pretty well. So, yes? Yes, abstract. Yes.
Intent: Uh, so I want to make a painting, except the painting isn't a painting of anything, but it's a painting of nothing, but not like a blank canvas, like, it's a, like, Damn I really need to stop saying like in my formal documents, like, uh, a painting of the concept of nothing. That makes sense, right? It's a painting of the concept of nothing, right, and it makes people go crazy.
Date: 6/31/2021
From: The Critic
To: Whoever submitted this, since you didn't put your name on the form.
Evaluation: Where do I even start. Well, it's certainly… I'm not going to sugarcoat this, it's shit. Cutting through the fact that you clearly didn't read the "How To Write An Expo Proposal" guide (which you definitely should, now), it's just what we in the industry call a "thing what does a thing". It's not remotely original and there's no story beyond "it's a painting of nothing, but it's not a blank canvas, it's NOTHING." I don't even know how you would remotely manage to differentiate between that, especially since your only explanation is, and I quote, "bullshit voodoo magic." That's. That's not even a remotely acceptable material, for many reasons. I'm honestly expressing shock at how this bad of a proposal snuck past the initial review and got to me. What are you even doing here. I can't explain how terrible this is in text. Submitting a literal blank form would be better then this!
Date: 6/32/2021
Title:
Material Requirements:
Abstract:
Intent:
Date: 6/33/2021
From: The Critic
To:This Asshole
Evaluation: I didn't mean it literally. Also, this managed to bypass the initial review because you've made a successful proposal before… I sure hope I never figure out what that was, and I really really hope you get greenlights on this next time before taking it to me. Since you almost definitely don't know what those are, a "greenlight" is when someone with a successful proposal critiques your idea and says it's okay for you to continue developing it. I hope no sane person greenlights a blank form, but I don't even know anymore.
Date: 6/33/2021
Title: A Painting Of "A Painting Of Nothing"
Material Requirements:
- My earlier piece, A Painting Of Nothing (Already in my possession)
- Some guy I kidnapped off the street that says he's good at painting (Already in my possession)
- Hard drugs (needed)
Abstract: Yes
Intent: So, the guy, he's going to attempt to copy A Painting Of Nothing using only a paintbrush and traditional paints, and it's going to be. Uh. What's it called when an art piece isn't the final product, but like, a process? Like a play, kinda, but instead of a play it's a guy painting and that's the art. Maybe there isn't a name for it, I'm very clever. Also since you asked my name is Light~
Date: 6/34/2021
From: The Critic
To: Light~ (please tell me that isn't your actual name)
Evaluation: This has been done before, and this isn't different enough to be interesting, and I really don't think you got greenlights. I also have no idea why you thought it was a good idea to make A Painting Of Nothing when you were specifically told not to by me, the MOTHERFUCKING CRITIC. Also, the term you're looking for is "performance". Also also, I would highly recommend getting rid of that homeless guy, preferably after getting him super drunk or something like that so he doesn't report you to the police. Maybe with those "hard drugs" you apparently desperately want, which don't seem to tie in to the piece itself? Are you just trying to use our resources to get drugs?
Date: 6/36/2021
Title: I spent a very long time thinking of this that's why it took me more then a day to respond
Material Requirements:
- My earlier piece, A Painting of Nothing (no longer in my possession but I can make it again!)
- The guy I kidnapped off the street that says he's good at painting that's been living in a closet in my apartment the past few days (already in my possession)
- A blank canvas of the same size as A Painting Of Nothing (I realized I forgot to list this last time, durh) (already in my possession)
Abstract: Somebody told me this was supposed to be where you put the stuff I was putting in Intent and intent is supposed to be why I made the piece so yeah. It's a performance art piece where the guy copies A Painting Of Nothing on to his own canvas - so like his own definition of nothing, you know, like what he sees on A Painting Of Nothing but in normal paint? Because everyone has their own perspective on what nothing is? Maybe I could get a different guy for every showing so it's more interesting?
Intent: Uh, I did this because I wanted to
Date: I don't remember
From: Some random guy I talked to, I asked him for a greenlight and he said yes
To: Light~ (me!)
Evaluation I don't know what that word means but this is what the guy said: This is an interesting idea, although it's clear you aren't very confident in it. I would recommend you rewrite the proposal to use more formal writing and decide more about what you're actually going to do before sending it in for the Expo. However, I'm going to greenlight the idea itself. You can totally do it!
Date: sandbox note: ill deal w this later
From: The Critic
To: Light~ (Is that a fake name?)
Evaluation: I'm starting to lose my patience here. That guy clearly suggested to improve your proposal and finalize your details, but it doesn't look like you did. Unless you DID finalize it and it used to be worse, in which case, I do not want to see what it looked like BEFORE. Not to mention you don't know WHO IT EVEN WAS so I don't have somebody to ask to see what they actually said because I don't trust you to be telling the truth with that, since you clearly copied the evaluation format anyway. Since you're spamming low quality proposals, I am banning you from sending in more. You can appeal this ban in a year, and hopefully by then I will be calmed down enough to deal with your bullshit again.
5th form will go here
Date: 6/the same day 5th form was written/2021
From: The Critic
To: This Asshole (I refuse to call you anything with a tilde in it that isn't attached to the letter n)
Evaluation: I'm not even reading this. You're banned from sending in more. Do not send more. Please. I will not respond. Stop. You are showing refusal to improve and aren't listening to my suggestions. Leave. Me. The. Fuck. Alone.
6th form will go here
Date: 6/i'll work out the dates later/2021
From: The Critic
To: Light~ (I can't believe that's on your birth certificate)
Evaluation: There's no evaluation here. I know where you live and if you send me another form I will personally see to it that anything within a mile radius is blasted to smithereens and your whole family will forget you were ever born. Actually, scratch that. Take one step out of your apartment. I fucking dare you. There's already an explosive payload set to go off the second you leave. There's no way to get rid of it, because this isn't a threat anymore, this is an already done thing. You're already dead. That birth certificate that for some weird reason has "Light~" written on it? It's already gone. No records of it ever happening. You're fucked. You're INSANELY fucked. I'll make absolutely sure of that. Now fuck off and die in a fire. Bye bye!
- The Critic
[sandbox note: to be continued]
sandbox note: critters to thank in authorpost
DrLefaye
Sundarran
- add more later -
bla bla bla: scp-xxxx (i'll fix that later I can never remember what the proper formatting for this shit is)
object class: Euclid (reclassification to Safe pending approval)
Special Containment Procedures: Foundation Agents are to cooperate with the Hypixel Staff Team in JTF-Rho-6 "Axe Of Perun" in monitoring all servers running the game "The Pit" on the map, and are to report any anomalous activity resulting from the interaction of players with SCP-XXXX. JTF-Rho-6 is also to delete threads on the Hypixel Forums, Twitter, Reddit, and other applicable social media platforms that appear to discuss SCP-XXXX, and to mark bug reports about SCP-XXXX as invalid, citing the fact that Crazy Walls was removed from the Hypixel Network on June 24, 2020 due to not regularly having enough players to start games.
Description: SCP-XXXX is a [REDACTED]
Chair.
Imagine the situation. You're sent out by the Foundation, along with the rest of your task force, to monitor a diplomatic summit between North Korea and the United States. That's a pretty big deal, so they're sending out their guys to make sure nothing that could be considered a breach of normalcy (or, off the record, anything that can inflate the Supreme Leader's ego anomalously) comes any close to happening.
The President of the United States, and the chair they are sitting in, vanishes. Poof. Gone. Replaced by the Chair. Not any chair, the Chair. If you've been in these circles for long enough, you've heard about the Chair. Once every whenever, somebody who's in a chair, gets teleported to Site-Whatever they put it in, and in their place, is the Chair. Now we're stuck having to clean up the resulting mess. I would be lying to you if I said this was the worst situation this job has put me in, because frankly all I did was point guns at people and threaten to pull the trigger. In this line of work, pointing guns at people is almost boring in some cases. But it's definitely one of the most ridiculous, and it's a story I get to tell to many people because you really don't need much clearance for this. You're already in the thick of it, who cares about some teleporting chair. Well, apparently the higher-ups care a LOT about some teleporting chair, since they made it Keter. But most of the time you just throw drugs and/or guns at people and it's cleaned up.
Not this time, though.
I don't know if they overdosed them, or fucked it up, or what, but two days later they're calling us up saying that The Supreme Leader is claiming they can make the President vanish with pure will alone, and they have the security footage to back it up. Now most of the Western world doesn't believe this for a second, because the President is right back in Washington where he's been for the past week recovering from a knee surgery, or at least that's what the public is supposed to think. But as the only claim from this guy that had any ever, the countries leaning closer to Korea's side in the conflict were eating up the propaganda and feeding it directly to the people like some information bird regurgitation nonsense. Or something. With how many times I've told essentially this exact story, you'd think I'd have worked out that metaphor at this point. Nope! What can I say, I've had more important things to do then work out the kinks of a lousy bird metaphor.
You look bored. Are you bored? You know, my middle school science teacher, he used to do this thing on Halloween where he told everyone in the class a story, except it was a really boring story and I remember nothing about what it was about, and most everybody zoned out or started reading a book or something. And what he did, is he pulled out an airhorn and blew it when nobody was paying attention. That's in the top ten scariest things that's ever happened to me and I've experienced many many more then ten actually life-threatening situations. What I'm trying to say is maybe I should carry around an airhorn. What's the point in telling your spooky campfire story to the newbie if you don't actually get them to crap their pants? Especially if it's about a chair.
Diversion over.
