Astro_Kaiser

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Euclid Keter

Special Containment Procedures: A permanent installation, designated Containment Area-881 is to be established around SCP-XXXX. MTF Lambda-44 ("Cross Guards") are to be on indefinite assignment at Area-881. A 0.8 x 0.8 km perimeter is to be established in the immediate area surrounding SCP-XXXX under the pretense of a hazardous landfill operating in the area surrounding it. Foundation field agents have been embedded in state and federal environmental safety agencies to provide false inspection reports and maintain secrecy. Foundation elements in the Portland City Council are to actively oppose and prevent development and/or expansion in the vicinity of Area-881. Methods used to terminate SCP-XXXX-1 must be cycled daily, and any new methods introduced must be approved by an O4 Operations Committee.

Description: SCP-XXXX is a recurring anomaly located on what was formerly part of Foster Road in Southeastern Portland, Oregon. On a daily basis, most frequently between the hours of 10AM to 3PM, a white Gallus gallus domesticus¹ will manifest on the eastern side of the road. The entity, hereby designated SCP-XXXX-1, will attempt to reach the western side of the road at a walking speed of approximately 2 mph at a top flight speed of 60 mph. Following 68% of recorded completed crossing events, an anomalous event was triggered. Any form of this event is designated SCP-XXXX-P. Following the conclusion of SCP-XXXX-P, a noise identified as a comic rimshot will manifest, ranging from 140-200 dB.

SCP-XXXX-1 demonstrates an ability to develop a resistance to methods of termination used repeatedly against it. Currently, SCP-XXXX-1 has developed an extreme resistance to small arms fire, incendiary weapons, sustained machine gun fire, and anti-tank mines placed in its path. Attempts to block the path of the entity have resulted in failure, with any obstruction vanishing, followed by a comic rim shot.

LEVEL 1 CREDENTIALS REQUIRED - Report-XXXX-1E

Interviewed: Subject-P006

Interviewer: Researcher Dawson; Site-64 Study Attaché

Foreword: Subject-P006 is a 67 year old male living in the southeastern Portland area. Subject-P006 encountered SCP-XXXX while driving on April 9, 19██ and sharply braked to avoid hitting SCP-XXXX-1. Subject witnessed SCP-XXXX-1 cross to the other side of the road before continuing to his home. Upon reaching his home, an SCP-XXXX-P event occurred, resulting in the injury of Subject-P006. Orbital Kant counters registered a sharp dip in Hume levels and Site-64 security personnel were quickly dispatched and retrieved Subject-P006.

<Begin Log>

Dawson: Alright, let's begin. Can you describe your interaction with the entity?

Subject-P006: The chicken? Well, I saw it marching across the road and I slammed on the brakes.

Dawson: (Interrupting) Please describe your subsequent interaction with the entity.

Subject-P006: Yeah, sorry. I didn't think much of it after almost pureeing it, so I got home and went about my business as usual. About a half hour later I heard two knocks on the door, loud as all hell. Sounded police-volume but no one declared themselves, so I was a bit worried. I went to open it and wouldn't you know, it's the chicken who crossed the road standing at my doorstep. At that point I heard this fucking earsplitting rimshot - sounded like a bomb went off. I fell backward and when I looked up the damn thing was gone. [Audible laughter] You know, it actually played out exactly like this stupid joke I heard once.

Dawson: A joke?

Subject-P006: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Dawson: I don't know.

Subject-P006: To get to your house! Knock Knock.

Dawson: Look this doesn't-

Subject-P006: Just humour me.

Dawson: (with audible exasperation) Who's there?

Subject-P006: THE CHICKEN!! Ha-

[Feed Lost]

<End Log>

Closing Statement: At this point in Subject-P006's sentence, a comic rimshot² exactly like the one described by him was heard in the interview room. All microphones save for one in the observation room immediately ceased functionality. Both Researcher Dawson and Subject-P006 were admitted to the Site infirmary for acute hearing damage.

LEVEL 2 CREDENTIALS REQUIRED - Incident Log-P/L/002

Incident P008 - April 21, 19██

P-Event: Several poultry farmers across the state of Oregon reported sudden destruction of cage locks and release of caged chickens. Deafening comic rimshots were reported by all affected individuals.

Suspected "Punchline": "Because it was free-range."

Analysis: SCP-XXXX has the ability to affect multiple individuals across considerable distance, and those affected do not necessarily have to witness the SCP-XXXX-1 crossing to be affected. SCP-XXXX reclassified as Keter.

Incident P011 - May 15, 19██

P-Event: Five instances of SCP-XXXX-1 manifested at a KFC location in Central Portland and began attacking patrons, inflicting severe lacerations on those attacked. Prepared fried chicken in the kitchen reanimated and regained partial locomotion, burning employees with frying oil.

Suspected "Punchline": "Because his brother was at KFC"

Analysis: Instances of SCP-XXXX-1 are to be considered openly hostile. Containment efforts are to be immediately accelerated. Refer to incoming notice for further instructions.

Transcription of Memo on 5/16/19██ from Site-64 Director █████:

Good Morning Team,

Following the events of Incident P011, the CA around Provisional SCP Designation-XXXX will receive immediate construction priority.

The remaining third of MTF Mu-78 ("Cryptids") will be merged with current staff assigned to PSCPD-XXXX and are hereby redesignated MTF Lambda-44 ("Cross Guards"). For any Mu-78 members still possessing extra limbs, please report to your Medical Liaison to determine your ability to serve in Lambda-44.

L-44, your orders are simple. Kill that godforsaken bird.

Footnotes

1. A domesticated chicken

2. Measured at 184 decibels before recording equipment ceased function