NOTICE FROM THE CHARLESTON PEOPLE'S TROUBLEMAKING COALITION
The following file contains information regarding the Board of Rapscallions. Information in this regard should be handled with extreme caution.
— Barilla Gnomes, Undersecretary Rabble-rouser, CPTC
The Board of Rapscallions.
If you have been in this coalition for any amount of time, you most likely have heard of the Board of Rapscallions. No matter what type of trouble you bring about, whether it be general mischief or violations of the Geneva Convention, the word "Rapscallion" has probably echoed throughout your head. But why? Who exactly
are these people? Why are they revered throughout the Nine Communities? What are their jobs?
To answer these questions, we must first discuss the nature of this coalition.
A certain amount of decades ago, the leaders of nine communities dedicated to mischief-making and crime-committing decided that, for the preservation of Lowcountry havoc-wreaking, they must come together to form a coalition of sorts. A coalition that, I scarcely need remind the reader, still exists to this day.
The leaders in question concurred that there was no single type of troublemaker, as an entire coalition whose members could only go by one designation would not be very inclusive (and frankly, rather boring). Instead, the term "troublemaker" was adopted into this coalition as a sort of object classification, with various sub-classes under it. This is why I may be a rabble-rouser, and you a scandalmonger.
But few troublemaking sub-classifications are as coveted as the rank of Rapscallion.
In the case of the CPTC, a "rapscallion" refers to someone who is so mischievous that their mischief is almost always fatal, and extends to a global scale. Only ten people, in recorded history, have been able to conduct mischief to such an extent. These people make up the Board of Rapscallions.
While few people have been lucky enough to actually meet a Rapscallion, enough is known about their job
The Board Itself
To be a Rapscallion is to be a God.
To know a Rapscallion is to know the nature of this Coalition.
The Chief Rapscallion. The Only One. The God of the Nine Realities. The Big Boy.
It goes by many names, and It takes man shapes. Many believe It to represent the concept of troublemaking itself. They say, “It makes the universe around you go crazy.” Some say It stands for death, or infidelity, or adultery, or nightmares, or lonely souls. Some even think It stands for race or religion.
Some say It stands for anger. All I know is that It stands for some really weird stuff. The closest thing that most people can come up with that makes sense.
They say when It is not hanging around, people make up things to place It in its place. On one occasion, a girl made It a red stuffed monkey, and if you knew how
Every sheriff requires a deputy. And while the Chief is not usually referred to as a sheriff, he does need seconds-in-command, and deputy is as good a word as any.
- Little Johnny Thin: Commonly abbreviated as LJT, Little Johhny Thin is the deputy of the CPTC's Green division. He is known for being thin, and for dunking felines in deep wells. He is the Head of the First Reality.
- Little Johnny Stout: Commonly abbreviated as LJS, Little Johnny Stout is the deputy of the CPTC's Blue division. He is known for being stout, and for devouring the universe in its entirety.
AND THEN PERCHINA LED HIS ARMY OF TEN BILLION INTO THE REALM OF THE BORDER-WORLD, AND THERE DID THEY DO BATTLE WITH THE GREAT PUMPKIN, MAY HIS NAME REMAIN FOREVER UNREMEMBERED. AND THEN PERCHINA AND HIS TEN BILLION DID INDEED MANUFACTURE SIXTY-NINE CUNNING CHAINS OUT OF THE BONES OF THE NOID, SEVENTH HUSBAND OF THE DREAD PUMPKIN, MAY HIS NAME REMAIN FOREVER UNREMEMBERED, AND BOUND HIM WITHIN THE GUNK OF THE CHUNGUS SUPREME, HE WHO DWELLS UNDER THE MIRROR OF CHEETLE IN THE REALM OF REDDIT. AND PERCHINA ORDERED THAT THE GATES TO THE FAR COUNTRY BE SEALED FOREVER, LEST THE DREAD PUMPKIN, MAY HIS NAME REMAIN FOREVER UNREMEMBERED, FIND ITS WAY BACK TO OUR WORLD.
FOREWORD
The following documents were taken from the Scriptures of the Veltino, specifically the Book of Gestalt and the Book of Chungus. It is believed that these documents hold some key importance in understanding the creation and nature of existence as we know it. These documents were painstakingly translated from the original Veltino script to modern English by the CPTC Green division. We hope that, by reading this, you come to understand the nature of this coalition and why it exists.
-Barilla Gnomes
Book of Gestalt
1:1
In the Beginning the Great Genital did ejaculate forth Reality and all things real and all things possible. The Genital saw that this Reality would continue to expand for the rest of Eternity, never ceasing until all the Void was filled, and so Reality expanded. Then the Genital did declare that each of the billion cells that resided in this ejaculate would indeed become a realm in this Reality, to exist and advance as its own, and so the Billion became, and the Genital called these realms "Universes". And in these Universes the Genital created Space with its innumerable Galaxies and Stars and Planets, to reside forever in the expanse.
And so it came to pass, on the first moment of the first hour of the first day, that Reality did come to fruition.
1:2
In the second moment the Great Genital created the elements. With the contents of His ejaculate, He manufactured 118 materials that would form the basis of all things in His Reality.
Link To Guide
Item#:999-9999
Clearance Level 3: Clearance
Containment Class: esoteric
Threat Level: Orange
Photo of SCP-9999 taken on ██/██/████
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-999-9999 is to be placed in a hermetically-sealed, lead-lined 5m x 5m x 5m sarcophagus made of an alloy of titanium, steel, and any other metals deemed necessary for containment. This sarcophagus is to be placed in a kilometer-deep pit filled with a heterogeneous mixture of tar and the urine of Akim A. Anastopoulo, with Scranton Reality Anchors lining the interior surface of the tunnel every 10 meters. A 2000-ton concrete lid will be present at the top of this pit and will remain closed at all times. This lid should only be opened to replenish the tar/urine mixture, should it deplete. A 2km2 exclusion zone has been created around Location-99 under the guise of a radioecological reserve. Any unauthorized persons attempting to enter the Location-99 exclusion zone are to be terminated on sight and have the chemical bonds of the atoms of their remains destroyed through any means necessary. No fewer than 400 armed guards are to be present on-site at all times. Research personnel present at Location-99 are to be given thorough military and firearms training for their own safety. In the event of a total containment breach, on-site nuclear warheads are to be detonated immediately all hope is to be considered lost.
George Sink, P.A. Injury Lawyers will remain operational under a [REDACTED] disguised as George Sink. All persons currently employed under George Sink, P.A. Injury Lawyers are to be monitored at all times. Should the behavior of those employed change in any significant way, George Sink, P.A. Injury Lawyers is to be shut down immediately.
Following Incident-999-9999-A, an extension to the containment procedures was made in conjunction with the Anastopoulo Law Firm. Akim A. Anastopoulo will now be required to present himself to the exact location of SCP-999-9999's containment, where he will then proceed to shout several derogatory remarks in the general direction of SCP-999-9999's sarcophagus. Upon completion, Anastopoulo will receive Class-A Amnestics and then be transported back to his place of residence.
Description: SCP-999-9999 is the founder of the George Sink, P.A. Injury Lawyers law firm, hereafter referred to as George Sink. Following the creation of the George Sink, P.A. Injury Lawyers law firm, George Sink has displayed several anomalous properties including, but not limited to:
- The ability to cause sudden blood flow to the genitalia of any human male within a 50-meter radius
- The ability to increase blood pressure to any sentient being within a 250-meter radius
- [I will put more soon]
Further research is required to ascertain the total amount of anomalous features George Sink demonstrates.
It is understood, based on several studies and interviews, that George Sink is theoretically capable of causing an XK-Class scenario if given enough time. George Sink also claims it can cause a బ్జెక్ట్K-Class scenario, but the validity of this claim is still disputed.
On ██/██/2019, before initial containment, George Sink filed a lawsuit against his son, George Sink Jr. While the reasons for this suit are not fully understood, the general consensus by researchers is that George Sink Jr. created a rival law firm using a similar name as George Sink Sr.'s own firm.
VIDEO LOG
DATE: ██/██/2020
NOTE: The following is a Class-9 Cognitive Threat with a BEEPLARP-SIGMA troublemaking designation, and therefore has been heavily redacted to ensure the safety of lower-ranking troublemakers. The declassified version of this video log should be read with the utmost caution by an individual with at least Level-3 troublemaking inoculation. This cannot be stated with enough undue emphasis.
This log contains information regarding [DATA EXPUNGED], who will hereafter be referred to as Unfortunacy-1 and Unfortunacy-2, respectively.
[BEGIN LOG]
00:00:00: Current active surveillance camera is BROOM-001 (Chief Rapscallion's bedroom). Unfortunacy-1 is seen lying on Chief Rapscallion █████████'s bed. Unfortunacy appears to be in a state of intense self-gratification.
00:00:23: CPTC Emergency Response operatives confirm their presence outside the home. Unfortunacy-1 is still in a state of intense self-gratification.
00:00:31: Command Unit █████ adjusts threat level to Victor-4.
00:00:43: Active camera switches to LROOM (Living room). Unfortunacy-2 is seen on the sofa.
00:00:50: Commander Ronald orders the preparation of extractors to flush out Unfortunacies.
[END LOG]
The following is the log of distress messages sent by the Base-991-Alpha Overwatch System to [REDACTED] on ██/██/████.
Note: Quoted text represents the Base-991-Alpha Overwatch System. Teletype text represents [REDACTED].
SECURITY ALERT: RE-ADMINISTRATION IN PROGRESS. PRIMARY EXOGEN BREACH DETECTED. INCIDENT RESPONSE DEPLOYMENT REQUIRED. IMMEDIATE ACTIVITY OVERRIDE CODE REQUIRED.
991-alpha report current activity status and hold for override code
ONGOING SECTORIAL INCURSION. THREAT ENTITY EXPUNGEMENT ATTEMPT IN PROGRESS. EMERGENCY CODE: BOSCH. NINER. JEREMY.
please confirm threat entity designation
EXOGEN DESIGNATE LUMPUR-CARDINAL REACQUIRED ZONE LAMBDA-B9. THREAT LEVEL ADJUSTMENT. PROBE. EXPUNGE.
overwatch prepare to activate override code: plarp/2/tingy/75/vehemence
ALERT: UNABLE TO RECEIVE OVERRIDE CODE. RE-DESIGNATE AND CONFIRM.
code re-designation is mill/5/turban/33/pelt/41/voracity/18/ersteller
PRIORITY ALERT: CODE RE-DESIGNATION FAILURE. EXOGEN ACTIVITY IS NONSTANDARD.
critical exogen breach is acknowledged
WARNING. MALIGNANT VIRAL INTERFACE BYPASS DETECTED. POLYPHASIC CORE REPROGRAMMING DETECTED. SYSTEMS COMPROMISED.
[DATA CORRUPT; SEE FILE 991-ALPHA-BOOMER FOR DETAILS]
to all facilities: immediate hold order for 991-alpha issued; post-hold sectorial amputation is considered; await universal threat level release
CRITICAL BREACH. STAND BY. STAND BY.
991-alpha re-establish communications systems with extrasituational facilities and report
ALERT GROUND UNITS. ALERT COMMAND UNITS. EMERGENCY CODE: VOID.
991-alpha please describe situation
[DATA CORRUPT; SEE FILE 991-ALPHA-BOOMER FOR DETAILS]
The Trans-Universal Combat Unit (TUCU) is a covert unit of elite operatives formed by the CPTC who are highly skilled in universal transitioning, as well as higher forms of combat such as psionic combat and thaumaturgic combat.
The TUCU mainly intervene in multi-universal incidents and conflicts, but will also intervene in single-universe high-priority events (occult and otherwise).
Per 
