sheppard

Who am I

I'm sorry if i make you upset.

SCP-80085-J

“The funniest joke ever told”
SCP-80085

Object Class: HILARIOUS safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-80085 is to be covered by an iron 1x1x1 meter iron box at all times inside of a darkened room. If personnel come into contact with SCP-80085 on purpose or not, they are to be locked out of the room and be kept behind bullet proof glass ensuring that they don't escape SCP-80085's containment chamber. SCP-80085-1 will desperately try to escape the room, but a gas valve can remotely be activated from outside the room remotely, terminating SCP-80085-1.

Description: SCP-80085 is a standard issue CASIO-MSBTV calculator with no discernible or features on it’s exterior different from any other of its type. Unlike other calculators however, SCP-80085 constantly displays the numbers “80085” and nothing else. How is does this is unknown, as it seemingly never runs out of power. SCP-80085’s anomalous properties occur when someone looks at it’s screen. Anyone who sees the numbers on 80085’s screen begin laughing hysterically, and screams “You guys need to see this!” After this happens, the person who looks at it’s screen is known as SCP-80085-1. SCP-80085-1 will stay laughing, and aggressively start seeking out other people. If SCP-80085-1 finds anybody else, it will proceed to grasp them tightly and drag them to SCP-80085’s location. The location of SCP-80085 strangely doesn’t matter. SCP-80085-1 seems to always know where it is, despite not seeing it moved. Once SCP-80085-1 takes somebody to SCP-80085, the calculator’s effects will begin to take over their mind as well. If any SCP-80085-1 are left without finding anybody for 6 hours, they will proceed to go into shock. SCP-80085 affects do not carry over from photographs of it either. SCP-80085 can influence a seemingly endless amount of people, so if the patients of SCP-80085 are not contained or terminated, it would be disastrous. Further testing required.

Discovery: SCP-80085 was discovered in an elementary school located in [REDACTED] Pennsylvania. Everyone besides for the school's animals were found to be dead, presumably, under the influence of SCP-80085. SCP-80085 was located on the second story in a math classroom.

the scp band

I had this train wreck of an idea the other day, and wondered what each SCP would do if they played an instrument. Its my worst idea, and my favorite at the same time. Feel free to suggest certain scips for their instruments. I'll make them all perform in a battle of the bands contest. So here begins probably the foundations worst idea yet. I give you,

FOUNDATIONS GOT TALENT

(this wont be limited to just music, later down the line I plan to add competitions for dancing and magic and stuff)
(also so far its mainly series 1 dont bully me)
SCP-035 - lead vocals
SCP-049 - guitar
SCP-106 - bass
SCP-173 - drums (somehow, just suspend your disbelief)
SCP-939 - vocals
SCP-096 - keys (wears bag on head)
SCP-2521 - bass
SCP-682 - solo ukulele act
SCP-343 - everything at once
SCP-999 - solo triangle act
SCP-294 - (dispenses "music")
SCP-1000 - drums
SCP-999 - vocals
SCP-1489 - group act
SCP-513 - HE WILL COME

i want to make it up to you

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX is to be contained in a standard anomalous items locker

the pencil

this idea is for a pencil that slowly turns you into a pencil. it starts out with you finding it somewhere and you use it, but you feel a certain attraction to the pencil. it makes you smarter, it passes information onto you. you become addicted to it, and you keep getting better and better grades. everything is fine, but one day you notice your eyes turn black. your hair begins to turn a rubbery pink. your skin is getting brittle. it begins to harden and turns into orange wood. your bodily fluids begin to turn into lead. your head starts turning to aluminum. you start shrinking and taking shape in the most agonizing way possible. you are now a #2 test standard Ticonderoga pencil. You fall over and land in the street. One day passes and a boy in the street finds you. "oh boy, a free pencil!" he takes it home and begins to study. the cycle repeats.

it should probably be contained

SCP-286-J "Hard to destroy Nokia 3310"

Item #: SCP-286-J

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-286-J must be destroyed as soon as possible.

dr clef does a backflip and fucking dies at my 11th birthday party

I remember it vividly; that morning I woke up and turned 11 years old. Now is probably a good time to explain that me and about 13 other kids were born on site-6. We all grew up surrounded by each other so we were pretty tight. It was an experiment some researchers had about how being born on site would make us better researchers in the future, but considering all that trouble that Eddie got into the other day. Our youth group director said that because it was my birthday, the training activities we usually do would be more fun, and we'd have about two hours to celebrate at the end of the day. During the day we got to take pictures, we experimented with that "worlds greatest tothbrush" thing, and we even got to have any drink of our choosing using the coffee machine while our group director did morale exercises with us. We also cheered when we learned that the gym was under maintenance due to an incident, so we didnt need to do any physical training either. The clock hit about seven PM, and our site director brought us over to our living quarters. We got inside and the lights were off. I knew there was a party planned, but I thought it was really nice how they made it look like it was a surprise anyway. "SURPRISE!" The lights came on and I saw a ton of doctors greet me. It was easy to tell who was excited and who wasn't. Bright was standing front and center with a pizza box in his arms. Cimmerian was in the kitchen making something hot, and our youth director was cutting the cake. The rest of the doctors seemed bored, but it was easy to tell they'd rather be at a kids birthday party than fill out boring papers about whatever. The party started with us playing duck duck goose followed by freeze tag. Considering all the mind-numbing things the foundation would make us do everyday, I could safely assume I was having the best day of my life. We were about to play pin the tail on the donkey, but the front door flew open and Doctor Clef was standing in front of us. Clef to us was like a celebrity to most of us. His success and intellect was basically why they have us training to work at the foundation in the first place, to create the perfect foundation employees. Clef started doing an assortment of tricks. He started out with some basic magic like pulling birds out of his massive hat, pulling a quarter out of my ear, and making a desk disappear. He then moved onto the more physical tricks. Clef took a scooter from my friends bed and started rolling around, we couldnt believe it. He hastily put the scooter away and motioned for everyone near him to back up. He bent his knees and rubbed his hands together for his final trick. Clef started his backflip just as Cimmerian walked out of the kitchen. "I brought hot coffee!" Cimmerian exclaimed. I guess he must have caught Clef off guard, as he lept backward into the air and knocked the piping hot coffee directly onto Cimmerian, scorching his neck and left hand as he screamed in pain. Clef messed up his timing with the flip too. Halfway through his leap, he must have forgotten to tuck, and thats when it Happened. The doctor planted his face into the floor with a loud thud. We waited for him to get up any minute and just laugh or something, but he lied there motionless. Cimmerian was trying to hold in his pain. Bright stared. Our youth group director stepped forward after a few seconds to check his pulse.

I still cant believe doctor clef did a backflip and fucking died at my 11th birthday party.

timetrip kickflip

SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX is to be contained in a 7x7x7 meter room with cushioned walls all around it. It is to be suspended on a 1 meter tall pedestal with a Plexiglas case covering it to make observation easy. SCP-XXXX must always be upside down with it's wheels facing upward unless personnel with level 3 clearance allow it to be removed for testing.

Description: SCP-XXXX appears to be a ████████ industries brand long board with no noticeable alterations from any other on it's surface. It is from the "longroll" line of long boards. It's wheels are in a perpetual state of motion, and cannot by any known means be stopped. The wheels are already measured to be traveling at speeds 12x the speed of light and still speeding up with no signs of stopping. SCP-XXXX's trucks and oil on the bottom of it's surface are made up of unidentified materials that are currently undergoing testing.

spooky pumpkins

Item SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX is to be contained in a 12x12x12 meter containment cell that takes on the appearance of a common town house fitted with a couch, kitchen table, and plasma screen television with services such as Netflix and Hulu which are to be set up with children's accounts as to not show SCP-XXXX any content it deems disturbing. SCP-XXXX is to be given 3 meals per day that change depending on SCP-XXXX's current mood via a hatch over the kitchen table in it's containment cell. SCP-XXXX must be given at least 6 hours of social interaction with any foundation psychologists every day, as SCP-XXXX shows a considerable amount of joy towards interacting with human life.

Description: SCP-XXXX is a sapient jack-o'-lantern with a diameter of 1.32 meters. It has 8 1.22 meter long legs protruding from it's sides resembling that of Lycosidae. SCP-XXXX has no features noticeable on its interior besides for a common wax candle, which is lit when SCP-XXXX is awake and unlit when SCP-XXXX is sleeping. SCP-XXXX is very expressive and can change facial expressions at will to show it's mood. In all recorded interviews, SCP-XXXX identifies as a 6 year old child who goes by the name of Jeremy. SCP-XXXX has been noted to have multiple interests which include but are not limited to
-Batman
-Playing the drums
-Drawing
-American Football
-The band "American Football"
-Lego
-Star Wars
-Picture books
-Video games on the Super Nintendo Entertainment System
-Clay Modeling

Official SCP Foundation 2018 year book

"Wow, 2018 really has been a wonderful year. With an all time low of class-D personnel casualties and containment breaches, we have all played our parts in contributing actual meaningful sacrifices for the planet. We aren't perfect, but we try our absolute hardest. Why don't we end our year with a bang, and celebrate 365 days of hard work with a year book, ey?"

-Ethics Director Doctor. ██████████

---

Doctor Bright: Most likely to push SCP-001-J
Assistant Researcher House: Most likely to waste entire paycheck on SCP-294
Professor Schaure: Most likely to be smitten by SCP-343
Junior Researcher Sheppard: Most likely to feed 682 marshmallows
Doctor Dan: Most likely to cry during a containment breach
Doctor Cimmerian: Most likely to be an SCP in disguise
Professor Nancy: Most likely to accidentally look at SCP-096's face
Doctor Gears: Most likely to participate in "bring your daughter to work" day
Senior Researcher Addington: Most likely to demote other researchers to class-D
Doctor Clef: Most likely to clone himself to make a podcast
Researcher Smith: Most likely to make a typo on an official docccument
Director Aktus: Most likely to convince staff to play uno
Doctor House: Most likely to sell SCP-500 on the black market
Junior Researcher Jackson: Most likely to forget to shower
Researcher Alces: Most likely to forget to clock in before working
Doctor Nicolini: Most likely to make cookies on short notice
Doctor Carver: Most likely to have a pet seal
Senior Researcher Diaz: Most likely to forget casual friday
Professor Pines: Most likely to sleep on the job
Billy, the janitor: Most likely to make it big in vegas
Professor David: Most likely to be 3 aliens in a trench coat
Doctor Jones: Most likely to explore a lost temple
Junior Researcher Buttz: Most likely to legally change his name once he is 18
Researcher Talloran: Most ██████████████████
Professor Burk: Most likely to use 914 without authorization
Junior Researcher Archie: Most likely to write a smut fanfiction about SCP-682

the containment club

The loudspeaker boomed

Dengue haemorrhagic fever

The Clock Man

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX is to be contained in a standard size humanoid containment chamber taking on the appearance of a factory office which includes carpeting, a desk, observation window, and ceiling lamp. SCP-XXXX's containment chamber must be observed at all times in order to prevent manifestations of SCP-XXXX-1 events in which it will begin to flood it's testing chamber with clockwork.

The man who waits

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: All information regarding the true form and nature of SCP-XXXX has been successfully been changed to describe SCP-XXXX as a statue under the name "Homunculus Loxodontus" as of 2016. Foundation webcrawlers have discovered no indication of any breaches related to SCP-XXXX and its true form. A model of SCP-XXXX has been constructed at the Leiden University Medical Center by Dutch artist ████████ ███ █████████ as to avoid any suspicion around the whereabouts of SCP-XXXX.

Description:

SCPS

Suit of armor with anomalous properties which can give the wearer special attributes depending on who they are.

living pinball machine

this fucker literally eats your quarters then when nobody is looking it meets up with its children to feed them the quarters like a bird.

yo mama jokebook from hell "1025-J

Yo mama joke book that makes any and all jokes in the book happen in reality. change each time the book is opened. no effects on people with dead mothers. These range from "yo mama so fat that when she walks passed the tv you miss 5 episodes" "Yo mama so fat whenever she jumps in the pool everyone in japan screams tsunami" to "Yo mama so ugly she caused an XK class end of world scenario. Even really not subtle ones like "Yo mama disowned you."

politician robot

SCP- XXXX

Object Class: Archon

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX requires minimal containment procedures outside of a standard 10³ meter steel containment cell fitted with an observation deck and windows. Due to the civility and ease of containment for SCP-XXXX, object class has been re-evaluated from euclid to archon.

Description: SCP-XXXX is a roughly shaped humanoid robot which stands at approximately 66 meters in height. Despite being this large, SCP-XXXX does not seem to require any source of power to function correctly. SCP-XXXX's arms and legs consist of an unidentifiable flexible alloy which take on the appearance of a common air duct pipe. Each of SCP-XXXX's limbs measure to be exactly 20 meters in length. SCP-XXXX always wears a black bespoke suit with a red tie. Manufacturer of this suit is currently unknown.