Per 
Item #: SCP-XXXX-J
Object Class: Safe, Thaumiel Pending
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXX-J is to be kept within a standard medium object storage locker when not in use. When being experimented on, SCP-XXXX-J is not to be connected to any Foundation internal networks.
SCP-XXXX-J-2 is to be contacted on a daily basis, even if no queries are needed for the time being. This is to ensure SCP-XXXX-J-2's cooperation with Foundation personnel.
After the events of Incident-4554-1, all topics for query need to be approved by at least two (2) level 3 personnel.
Description: SCP-XXXX-J is a Qualcomm prepackaged server, manufactured in 20121. SCP-XXXX-J is physically identical to non-anomalous servers of the same model series, though it has an aftermarket satellite modem card installed in one of its PCIe slots, hereby SCP-XXXX-J-1. SCP-XXXX-J runs Windows Server 2012, hosting an installation of Microsoft SQL Server Standard Edition.
Probes indicate that SCP-XXXX-J capable of querying any information currently held by the Foundation, GOC and MCD. However, any new information is locked inside a 256 petabyte encrypted passcode lock, and any attempts to retrieve the data from the server's physical storage results in dump code.
If a phone is connected to any port on the modem card using a standard RJ12 cable, users will get a call from an anomalous entity, hereby SCP-XXXX-J-2, adressing itself as "Mrs. Edna Sauel". SCP-XXXX-J-2 will insist on talking to its grandchild, to which it will recognize any speaker to be its descendant. SCP-XXXX-J-2 appears to have access to a computer running Windows XP Home Edition as its operating system, hereby SCP-XXXX-J-3, which appears to be the only computer capable of querying SCP-XXXX-J's database.
On the start of every call, SCP-XXXX-J-2 warns the caller that it does not know how to use the computer well at all, forcing the user to deliver simple verbal instructions on how to use the computer. SCP-XXXX-J-2 displays no recollection of instructions relayed to her between calls, though it will remember previous callers and discussions (albeit referring to all callers as "Johnny," regardless of whatever name they state during the call).
When asked to query a specific topic on SCP-XXXX-J-3, SCP-XXXX-J-2 will ask the user to wait while it connects their terminal and hum for approximately 8 minutes and 20 seconds2. The hum will correspond to the tune that the modem exhibits.
SCP-XXXX-J-2 will then notify the user that she is ready for instructions. Once a user asks for information on a specific topic, SCP-XXXX-J-2 will slowly type in the keywords while mouthing the letters. It has been noted that the query times for each topic relate to the difficulty of obtaining information for the topic.
While the query is ongoing, either SCP-XXXX-J-2 will engage in small talk and the or SCP-XXXX-J-3 will periodically malfunction prompting the need for lengthy troubleshooting. Once a query finishes, SCP-XXXX-J-2 will give the user a passcode to use on SCP-XXXX-J.
Experiment Logs: (my ideas so far -Erudius)
Query Parameters: (simple keywords for SCP-XXXX-J-2's use)
Query Time: (excluding time spent troubleshooting)
Query Result: (data output received)
Query Parameters: Contain SCP-4205
Query Time: 3.5 seconds
Query Result: Methodology involving the use of multiple SCP-531 instances
Query Parameters: Best apple pie recipe
Query Time: none
Query Result: SCP-XXXX-J-2 instead gave its own recipe
Query Parameters: Best place to get a drink
Query Time: 1 second
Query Result: Site location of SCP-294
Query Parameters: 2nd Best place to get a drink
Query Time: 1 second
Query Result: Location of latest Ambrose Restaurant (GoI-116) in [REDACTED]Mobile Task Force Lambda-14 ("One Star Reviewers") was subsequently dispatched to the location and recovered SCP-4554
Query Parameters: Replacement materials for SCP-2317 [REDACTED]
Query Time: 1 month 19 days (49 days)
Query Result: Methodology on how to synthesize the bones of "Ananta-Shesha"
Query Parameters: terminate immortal lizard
Query Time: (ongoing)
Query Result: (pending)SCP-XXXX-J-2 has not stopped talking ever since the query was initiated 3 years ago
Excerpted Interview Logs:
Call 1
SCP-XXXX-J-2: Hello?
Dr. C████: Sorry, you have the wrong numb—SCP-XXXX-J-2: What did you say, dear?
Dr. C████: I said you have the wrong number, ma'am.
SCP-XXXX-J-2: No, no, dear. My name is Edna. E. d. n. a.Dr. C████: What? This isn't what I meant.
SCP-XXXX-J-2: So my grandson gave me this computer, and I don't know how to use it. I'm getting pretty old, my dear, and as you know, I'm not the same woman as I was before. He said you could help me with it, can you?
Dr. C████: Help you? I—
SCP-XXXX-J-2: Oh, I need to get the dinner ready! Silly me, forgot it on the stove! Call you later, mhm?
(SCP-XXXX-J-2 hangs up.)
Call 6
SCP-XXXX-J-2: Hello? I'm having a problem!
Dr. C████: SCP-XXXX-J-2, you called us two minutes ago.
SCP-XXXX-J-2: Who's ese cee pee? You mean Eliana? Dear, she died six years ago!
Dr. C████: (Sigh) Alright, what's your problem?
SCP-XXXX-J-2: Well, I can't turn on the thing. It just stays black!
Dr. C████: Uh, it might have dust in its vents. Tried checking that?
SCP-XXXX-J-2: How do you do that?
Dr. C████ proceeds to deliver verbal instructions on how to open a computer's case to SCP-XXXX-J-2 for approximately two hours and fifteen minutes.
SCP-XXXX-J-2: Think I got it! Hm, I can't see any dust, dear. It's completely clean.Dr. C████: Really?
SCPX-XXXX-J-2: Yeah. Oh, oh! (Pauses) You won't believe! Silly me, I forgot to plug the cable on the power plug! (Laughs)
