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SCP-737-J drinking milk in his log cabin
Item #: SCP-737-J
Object Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-737-J is kept in a secluded log cabin in ████████████, New Jersey. If SCP-737-J escapes containment, MTF-737 "Legendary Mac & Cheese Warriors"1 is to politely ask SCP-737-J to go back in the Log Cabin. If subject, refuses, Protocol Baked Beans2 is to be enacted. All measures should be taken to prevent SCP-737-J from becoming agitated.
Description: SCP-737-J is a Jimmy John's bologna sandwich3 capable of human speech. When talking, SCP-737-J's mentality fluctuates between an edgy 14-year-old and a toddler. When SCP-737-J has the mentality of the 14-year-old, it says things referencing self-harm. Presumably, it only says these things because of the internet-connected computer in it's log cabin. When agitated, everything within a 30-mile radius of SCP-737-J starts to change drastically. The genetic makeup of animals will constantly shuffle itself, none of the laws of physics will apply anymore, and any sandwich that does not contain bologna4 in it will instantly dematerialize.
Interview Log 737-J-1
[BEGIN LOG]
Dr. Hubert: Is there a reason you're a bologna sandwich?
SCP-737-J: Yeah. There is. But I'm not gonna tell you, new boy.
Dr. Hubert: Can you please tell me?
SCP-737-J: Ok.
Dr. Hubert: Thank you.SCP-737-J pauses
SCP-737-J: …The end.
Dr. Hubert: You can't be serious.
SCP-737-J begins to laugh uncontrollably
SCP-737-J: Ok, ok, ok. I'll tell you the actual story.
Dr. Hubert: Thank you. Please, no jokes this time.
SCP-737-J: Originally, I was a human, but one day, I was walking down the street, in the middle of the damn road, cause I can, and then, I see this place called Jimmy John's, and I thought that was a funny name, so I went inside of it. So I'm inside of the building, just sitting there, standing. I do this about for an hour. Then I walk out the buildin'. Then I go to the window of the building and stare at the window for 20 minutes.
Dr. Hubert: Is all of this necessary?
SCP-737-J: Yeah, yeah. It's completely necessary, Dr. Hubert. If that's even your real name. Hubert.
SCP-737-J snickers
SCP-737-J: So I was staring through the window for 20 minutes, then I walked back inside, and stood for another 5 minutes, I walked back outside and walked across the street, stood there for 2 hours looking at the store, then I went back inside the store and went to the counter. Where the lady was. Then the lady asked "Um… are you gonna order something?" and then I was like… mindfucked. Because I can't believe this woman… asked me a question. I didn't even know what was going on. Then I said, "Yeah, I'll order something." she said "Alright, what do you want?" and I said "I don't know." she said "Alright, we have a ham & cheese sandwich…" and then I started laughing, 'cause that sounded funny. "Alright, I'll have that. The ham & cheese." then she said "Ok sir, that'll be $█.██." and then I say "Um… What the heck is dollars?" She starts looking upset and she started yelling at me. "This a dollar, you idiot!" then she waved a green paper in my face, but I didn't care. Then I fast forwarded time.
Dr. Hubert: Wait… This isn't in your file. It doesn't say you can manipulate time.
SCP-737-J: Me neither, I never said that.
