SCPAmbrose

This -> [] means author commentary.

Meal #: X - For the God Damn Pistiphages

Class: Entree - Meant to be eaten with a glass of cherry wine.

Ingredients: There is one main ingredient, additional ingredients and materials detailed in prep work.

One (1) Essophysical Entity¹

Special Course Preparation: Prep work has been split into two parts, metaphysical and physical, overseen by the Metaphysics Department and the Executive Chef respectfully.

METAPHYSICS DEPARTMENT - Experiment Site-7

By Gordon Ramsey

It's worth noting that all essophysical entities are palatably identical and equally nutritious. Although, it is difficult to predict the state of the meat upon entry into our reality. As such, preparation is reserved for the Executive Chef.

Metaphysical biology evolved in an ideologically hostile environment, such that direct perception of said biology would cause brain hemorrhaging, among other things. However, purging all psychohazardous memes and information from the entity is costly, inefficient, and excessive. As such, the Cross-Contaminant Control Team will only target the relevant anatomy.

Furthermore, Ambrose has yet to find suitable culinary methods for preparing metaphysical offal, as this introduces anatomical elements that have yet to be fully understood. As such, the targeted meat will consist mostly of white and red meat. Ambrose will contact you if he wants to experiment on offal.

Essophysical entities are attached to their conceptual anchors², which are analogous to their habitation. It is necessary to draw them out by constructing identical conceptual anchors. This typically entails creating new concepts that are structurally fragmented, such that the connection between the new concept and the old concept will disintegrate, forcing the entity to keep following our trail of new concepts.

Eventually, we can pull part of the entity into our reality, with the following procedure.

1. Personnel will build an empyrean hook within a conceptually-sealed room. Once an entity is fully trapped and separated from the psychospace, a thaumaturgical circle of osmium-infused paint will encircle the room and powered by stabilized Diana's tree candles.
2. Select religious personnel will enter the chamber and pray to the concealed entity. Personnel are to under no circumstances address the entity other than "Turvan, God of Delicacies" and to ask for a gift of delicacies and perform a ritual of worship involving preparing and cooking a meal.
3. Every 6 days, Personnel are to transubstantiate the provided communion wafers and the provided taste is within the correct range personnel are to begin purging the entity by not offering any form of prayer or worship for a week.

Provided all these steps are followed, the entity should be sufficiently dissociated from its old identity and weakened enough for physical butchery.

While there is the possibility of budding and cloning of prepared essophysical entities to speed up this process, possible avenues would require esoteric domestication pacts and deemed too unstable and dangerous for personnel and further research is required.

Save conceptual metaphors for proper canning to be shipped out to Ambrose with the rest of the produce.

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[Physical]

Executive Chef(s): Guy Fieri [lol]

Sous Chef(s):

• Masaharu Lagasse (Lead Scientist on Exsanguination)
• Tyler Garten (Delivery Man)
• Sara T. Simon (Head of Preservation and Protection)
• Gladys Ripert (Head of Esoteric Biology)
• Pierre Kennedy (Captain of Mobile Task Force Phi-8 "Hammer Tender")

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Assuming the metaphysicists successfully isolate the choice cuts, it is up us to secure and deliver them. Since the meat comes from an entity that evolved to live in a higher order dimension, bringing their meat into the physical world will almost certainly create an inverse reality vacuum³.

The area around the portal will be pumped with intrinsic characteristics, and all personnel directly handling the meat are required to be at least three times the person they are.

As with all meat based products, a mobile crane is necessary to drain the blood from the cuts, and an Exsanguination team will be on site to properly bottle up and desecrate the blood for selling. Essophysical blood is an incredibly valuable foodstuff, although consumption in its raw form will induce [I dunno], sometimes [exploding feeble brains]. Also, this blood may occasionally contain essophysical blood parasites, which are considered a high priority experimental item. Ambrose wants to get his hands on a couple of these parasites, ever since their decreasing population after the popularization of universal healthcare in essophysical entities.

Worth noting, the meat cannot come into physical contact with any other entity. Although general practice requires Personal Protective Equipment, even a drop of blood will cause the meat to bond to the victim. We already solved our cannibal demand, we do not need more human bodies.

Do note that some essophysical entities may also be deities, and their members may attack you, unless their scripture involves consuming the object of worship, such as Christianity, or Sarkicism. Try to convince them that this is alternative sanctimonious method of worship, as scripture studies seem to suggest that the most holy method of worship for all religions is transubstantiative in nature.

Culinary Team: Site-01

Foreword: Currently, only Ambrose has the technical, intellectual, and physical prowess necessary to prepare Meal #X.

Notes: [Setbacks for the meal]

Footnotes

1. An essophysical entity denotes the living embodiment of a concept. They typically live in the intersection between the noosphere and the psychospace.

2. I.e. an essophysical entity embodying coffee beans will be attached to a superdivision, such as food or drink.

3. An abstract imbalance of conceptual strength. In this case, since the meat is considered more real than the surrounding reality, it will begin to lose its extra-reality qualities, eventually becoming a mundane cut of meat.