Per 
So it begins.
Date: Sep. 15, 2020
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Date: Sep. 15, 2020
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Date: Sep. 17, 2020
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Date: Sep. 18, 2020
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Date: Sep. 19, 2020
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10:05 PM <PlaguePJP> > — during the REM sleep state, or otherwise unconscious —
10:05 PM <PlaguePJP> You already said this in the sentence prior, cut
10:06 PM <PlaguePJP> > this is unconfirmed and being tested upon.
10:06 PM <PlaguePJP> Reading the previous sentences, I'm not sure what is unknown exactly. They seem to know how and why it happens.
10:07 PM <PlaguePJP> > SCP-XXXX-1 consists of an island containing a small house, a single tree, and a playground within the large prairie.
10:07 PM <PlaguePJP> You could definitely go more specific. Build up that isolation by giving estimate size and a more physical description of color
10:09 PM <PlaguePJP> > ~5 hours.D-5251
10:09 PM <PlaguePJP> Missing a space here
10:11 PM <PlaguePJP> > Afterword: Lack of adequate sleep appears to contribute towards the inefficient stabilization of frequencies. Subjects must maintain a REM sleep state in order to preserve proper brainwave displacement. The reasoning behind this is hypothesized to be due to increased awareness. Destabilization ~7 in projection appears to be a recurring phenomenon. Its cause is still unknown and is being researched.
10:11 PM <PlaguePJP> I'm really not a fan of these note sections or afterwords in general. This one falls into the pitfall of giving me no new information that I didn't read or could have inferred
10:12 PM <PlaguePJP> > On the night of 2/2/2025, Researcher Tanya Skyer accessed the laboratory for ("PROJECT HYPNO") to retrieve forgotten items. During this time, she found Head Researcher Reid Chase working on the project. Chase appeared to be heavily exhausted, with periorbital puffiness and empty take-out. Recorded below is a conversation held during the time Skyer was in the room before leaving.
10:12 PM <PlaguePJP> This prelude would also be better for the reader to infer through your commentary in the conversation log
10:14 PM <PlaguePJP> > Yeah, but we have a lot of time to spare. Look at you, there're bags under your eyes, empty food, what are you gonna do next? Add a bed in here?
10:14 PM <PlaguePJP> Feels inauthentic. Something more casual "Look at you, you're a mess."
10:14 PM — chiifu nods
10:15 PM <PlaguePJP> > Not me, nor Greg?
10:15 PM <PlaguePJP> or Greg?
10:15 PM <PlaguePJP> > Why didn't you tell me this?!
10:16 PM <PlaguePJP> Cut this, you've been characterizing Skyler as a sympathetic rock for Chase, this makes her seem selfish
10:16 PM <PlaguePJP> > What did you do? You did nothing! You took it all on yourself!
10:16 PM <PlaguePJP> Same issue here
10:19 PM <PlaguePJP> > Fuck this man.
10:19 PM <PlaguePJP> Fuck this, man.
10:19 PM <PlaguePJP> Two very different meaning right here
10:19 PM <chiifu> lol yeah
10:20 PM <PlaguePJP> Finished
10:20 PM — chiifu nods
10:20 PM <chiifu> how was the (pretty major) revamp
10:23 PM <PlaguePJP> This is a much better product than what you had the last time I read this. There's one rather large problem that is preventing this from being a 10/10. You need to build up Chase more as a character. I need to see his desperation, anger, and sadness more than those two log showed. They did a pretty good job at that, but it goes by way too quickly for me to connect with him. I think his outcome could be conveyed better, as in, a better description of him being trapped in his model of XXXX. I'm not talking about the description, more the addendum.
10:23 PM <PlaguePJP> Other than that, this is a good piece. I could probably argue to myself and upvote it, but getting that character stuff right would seal the deal.
sounds good; i'll work on incorporating more development into Chase, definitely a rather big issue
10:25 PM <PlaguePJP> Cool, anything else you want me to comment on?
10:25 PM <chiifu> ah, skyer's depth. does she feel streamlined as a character?
10:26 PM wrong word choice
10:26 PM shallow* is better
10:26 PM <PlaguePJP> There isn't really any development to her, I saw her as more of a character for Chase to develop rather than building them at the same time. If you want to build up that selfishness that was present you could do that in however you develop Chase
10:26 PM So yeah, shallow
10:27 PM — chiifu nods
10:27 PM <chiifu> gotcha
10:27 PM <PlaguePJP> It would be interesting if her selfishness caused Chase to stress out more
Date: Sep. 19, 2020
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Status: Completed
Date: Sep. 21, 2020
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Status: Completed
Date: Sep. 21, 2020
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Status: Completed
This was on discord, I tried to clean the formatting on this as much as possible.
PlaguePJP
I’ll jump between specific lines and some overall/section based stuff. I’m not the biggest fan of doing LBL and nitpicking, hopefully this is satisfactory.
Your containment procedures are reading a bit choppy, especially in that first paragraph. An example of a fix you could make is:
SCP-XXXX is kept inside of a containment cell within Site-443. The containment cell is built to resemble a child's bedroom to ensure SCP-XXXX retains a passive state.
“In order to ensure that SCP-XXXX retains a passive state,it is kept inside a specialized containment chamber resembling a child’s bedroom within Site-433.”
So on. Try and see which sentences you could combine to make your prose a bit more flowery. I’ll point stuff out like this as I go through.
Same issue in the first paragraph of the description. You could combine the first two or three sentences into one cohesive thought.
Rerun Events may leave involved persons with nonlethal but lingering physical and psychological symptoms,
I’m not sure “symptoms” is the correct word here. Perhaps alterations or modifications?
Description is solid overall. A bit of a personal thing here but you use very small paragraphs, mainly near the beginning, I think you can combine the second and third sentence.
how would you describe them?
Something weird is going on here at the end. I’m not sure what those icons are.
The interview log is good. My only criticism of it is that it goes on a bit too long. I found myself getting bored near the end. If you can shorten it in anyway, probably in/near the beginning I think it would ease this problem. I see the final 20 or so lines as what you’re really trying to tell us, so try and get the reader to those quicker.
Entity Robert Wire, attempting to discreetly education it about the difference
Discreetly educate
Inspection underneath the bed reveals nothing. D-6671 cannot be inspected, as he is missing. The fluid omitting from the skin Entity Bob Wire was utilizing was found to be a mixture of iron oxide and blood. DNA samples of the skin and blood reveals nothing, not matching any human. Staff member cannot explain why he vomited.
This entire paragraph is reading off to me. Definitely go through and reword pretty much the whole thing.
Now for the actual overall. I’ll start with what I liked. The rerun logs are probably the standouts here and I can tell you put a lot of effort into them. They’re the perfect mix of black comedy, horror, and action where my attention was held for the most part. Your writing is quite good in the clinical department. I could definitely go through and really nitpick but I don’t see a need to because the small sections where it does weaver aren’t enough to lose my immersion. The description, as I said already, was pretty good. The characterization of XXXX is another highlight, but I think more can be done in the rerun logs to build it up. It’s there in the Teacher’s Pet log, but not really anywhere else other than the Calliou log.
As for what I disliked my concerns are twofold. The first is the length. Getting into those already long as they are rerun logs takes a while. I did like the interview log, but it was definitely the weakest part of the whole thing so far. I’m wondering if you cut that, and show XXXX’s origin story and characterization through the rerun logs. As for my other concern, I’m seeing a steady escalation in the rerun logs as they become more unpredictable and almost dangerous, but I’m wondering how you’re planning to wrap this up. What is your climax going to be? And how will you end this?
Shoot me with anything you want my opinion on and I'll discuss it with you.
pastarasta1
Thank you so much for the crit!
As for my other concern, I’m seeing a steady escalation in the rerun logs as they become more unpredictable and almost dangerous, but I’m wondering how you’re planning to wrap this up. What is your climax going to be? And how will you end this?
Basically: In the last testing log, a D-Class is going to be injured to the point of near death, and the humanoid construct of XXXX (representing their subconsciousness) is going to end up sacrificing themself via self-mutilation onto the body of the D-Class. The log will also be the most heavy in symbolism and scenes relating to the trauma of XXXX.
After this, there will be a final, final log. This log is basically The Foundation finding a strange DVD within XXXX during testing. There isn't much of a Rerun Event to this one, except for the viewer feeling kinda upset after viewing. The log will go into detail of what happens within the DVD. The DVD will basically be an animation representing the experiences of SCP-XXXX, but in a more detailed way, and how even though he's being taken away from the tests, how he can still somewhat feel them in a way. It's weird, of course, its meant to be a metaphor for how the foundation treats stuff with an ability to feel. Despite them thinking and talking like a human, they don't feel like a human to them, which can often lead to mistreatment without them knowing.
Also for some reason thats the second time someones complained of symbols being on there so that's strange, I rewrote that section just in case that would somehow remove them
PlaguePJP
I meant to reference you mentioning XXXX’s trauma with being forcibly used and opened. It passed me by but yeah I would like to see that developed upon, and as long as your hit that in the final log it should be a good end piece to the article. Another thing you could do is have the personification of XXXX appear a bit more commonly and show its descent a bit further but I’d wait to do that until you have those last two logs written up.
pastarasta1
There was a minor little scene in the king log about trauma being forced open
The dream the D-Class has in the beginning in which he was getting a massage that started getting more and more violent until he heard a tearing sound
Of course theres going to be more development in the log
final log tho
There will be a scene relating to that
PlaguePJP
There’s a lot going on in the article, you just don’t want your theme suppressed, and like I said the trauma is in there enough to serve as a reminder for that final log
pastarasta1
The length is something I have been aware of, my first crit had trouble getting through the Teacher's Pet log for this reason.
I ended up trimming a scene down that didn't matter much other than to be surreal and bizarre.
PlaguePJP
Length is probably gonna end up being your main issue for readers. I don’t have a problem with it personally but if you think it’s too long it probably is and if you don’t it probably isn’t. Also I think a reason for that may be because the King log is highlight and moving on from that takes some more encouragement
pastarasta1
Was the Teacher's Pet log hard to understand? Cause they had trouble understanding it too. I'm planning on rewriting it so instead of the D-Class becoming Spot Helperman, he becomes a skin colored dog instead. So it doesn't require as much knowledge of the show to enjoy.
I say show but I based the log off the movie
PlaguePJP
I didn’t understand how exactly people got trapped in there
The d-class become Helperman made sense to me
pastarasta1
Good point. The reason people got trapped there was cause the event area itself was disorienting and they would basically end up running in circles
PlaguePJP
Oh ok that makes sense
pastarasta1
And like
also since its a storyboard they can't really "leave it"
in this weird way
PlaguePJP
Now I don’t want you to stifle your creativity here. You can really boost the surrealism in this thing to 200
pastarasta1
cause they have to be there for the story
PlaguePJP
And yeah I get that, I liked the imagery of the pencil drawing
pastarasta1
I will admit, I feel as though this might have mixed reception
which isn't a bad thing
PlaguePJP
Nah you can’t be upset at that, this is absurdist which isn’t always everyone favorite thing
pastarasta1
yeah
PlaguePJP
I remember you saying this is a passion project of yours, don’t modify it anyway that’s gonna take away from what you want to convey
Date: Sep. 22, 2020
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Date: Sep. 25, 2020
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Date: Sep. 26, 2020
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Date: Sep. 26, 2020
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Date: Sep. 26, 2020
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Date: Sep. 28, 2020
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Date: Sep. 28, 2020
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Date: Sep. 28, 2020
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6:01 PM <coldnights> this is a very early draft, and I´m anxious that i´m taking this in the wrong direction. http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/cold-nights
6:14 PM <coldnights> not a native english speaker
6:14 PM <PlaguePJP> Gotcha gotcha, no worries
6:15 PM <PlaguePJP> > He wasn´t
6:15 PM <PlaguePJP> Watch your apostrophes here, this: ' should be the punctuation mark not, ´
6:16 PM <coldnights> i think this is a problem with my keyboard.
6:16 PM <coldnights> ´
6:16 PM <coldnights> ‘
6:16 PM <PlaguePJP> Most likely, you just have that symbol for all of your contractions and it makes the letter spacing look weird
6:17 PM <PlaguePJP> > alien artefact in Earth´
6:17 PM <PlaguePJP> alien artifact in Earth’s
6:20 PM <coldnights> yeah, i tackle the grammar issues always at the end
6:20 PM <coldnights> i was more concerned with the narrative
6:21 PM <coldnights> if it is compelling enough and such
6:23 PM <PlaguePJP> Finished
6:23 PM <PlaguePJP> Narrative wise, this is pretty compelling. I have two suggestions really.
6:24 PM <coldnights> yes?
6:24 PM <PlaguePJP> 1) It's pretty fast paced near the beginning, especially with the descriptions of the world's reaction to the aliens arriving. That pacing, however, kinda burns out towards the end of what you have
6:25 PM <PlaguePJP> I think leaning a bit more into that quick paced, holy hell what is going on style thing would be the way to go here.
6:25 PM <coldnights> okay, that sounds reasonable
6:25 PM <coldnights> i´m very bad with pacing tbh
6:26 PM <PlaguePJP> 2) I'm not sure about the narrative you chose. Rather than looking at the world's reaction (which I think is much more compelling and open to creativity) you leaned into the somewhat boring scientific aspect of the ordeal
6:26 PM <PlaguePJP> Now, I'm not saying to throw what you have away, just develop that chaos a bit further
6:26 PM <PlaguePJP> You mention that people are praying to it, there's a religion claiming they predicited it, people are terrified, etc, etc
6:27 PM <coldnights> so more world-building at the start, if i understand you correctly?
6:27 PM <PlaguePJP> Yes, delving into that human aspect could personalize it a bit more (edited)
6:27 PM <PlaguePJP> Other than that, this was a pretty good read. Your prose is really good and I enjoy this concept. Just don't hold yourself back. Go full in
6:27 PM <coldnights> thats a good suggestion, i will incorporate that
6:27 PM <coldnights> thank you
6:28 PM <PlaguePJP> Cool. Any questions for me?
6:28 PM <coldnights> i had the idea to insert a very short movie of a presentation alexander gives of his work
6:28 PM <coldnights> do you think that´s a good idea?
6:29 PM <coldnights> like 1 min, not longer
6:29 PM <PlaguePJP> As long as it doesn't take away from the actual text I don't see an issue with it
6:29 PM <coldnights> my main concern is that the reader doesnt really understand the canon of this tale
6:29 PM <coldnights> as i dont intend to make the case-file of the anomaly any longer
6:30 PM <PlaguePJP> There's no need to do that, tales and SCPs are seperate
6:30 PM <PlaguePJP> You also don't need an accompanying SCP for your tale. A lot of tales are about anomalies that haven't been catalogued as SCPs
6:31 PM <coldnights> so you think the case-file as it is now is enough?
6:31 PM <coldnights> to introduce the tale
6:32 PM <PlaguePJP> Yeah I don't have an issue with it. I think it's good background. Mainly it just needs a bit of cleaning up, but you said you'll take care of that
6:33 PM <coldnights> okay. thanks for your critic, that was really helpful
6:34 PM <PlaguePJP> yup! good luck!
Date: Sep. 29, 2020
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Status: Greenlighted
Date: Sep. 29, 2020
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Status: Advice given
Date: Sep. 29, 2020
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Date: Sep. 29, 2020
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