collab:quillinx-and-rioludoodle

placeholder for actual image

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures:

Description: SCP-XXXX is a teleportation phenomenon advertised as "instant shipping" in the closed beta test of a customer rewards program by the Amazon corporation. In-stock items on the Amazon marketplace that are purchased by subjects participating in the program are removed from warehouses, packaged, and shipped to the order address within seconds of payment processing.

Investigation has revealed that the terms and conditions of the beta rewards program contain thaumaturgical language laying claim to the customer's firstborn child in exchange for anomalous benefits rendered by the Amazon corporation. It is possible for subjects to extricate themselves from the thaumaturgic contract by contacting the entity designated SCP-XXXX-1 at the beta program's customer service number. Each individual must express a desire to terminate their beta trial and follow the instructions provided by SCP-XXXX-1. Deviation from procedure may produce anomalous results.

Addendum #XXXX-1: Overview of interactions with SCP-XXXX-1

Aubrey Mathers

Subject: Aubrey Mathers

Field Operative: Senior Agent Charlene Simmons

<Begin Log>

Subject Mathers: This is the number I called last time, but… I didn't get very far.

Agent Simmons: All right. Put the phone on speaker, and we'll record the call.

Subject hesitates to dial.

Agent Simmons: What's the matter?

Subject Mathers: It's just that… the last time I called…

Agent Simmons: What?

Subject Mathers: … It was probably just a coincidence. I've just been so shaken by all of this, I… I should stop dithering, I'm wasting your time. All right. Here goes.

Subject presses dial. Ringtone sounds one and a half times before being replaced with faint static. A voice comes onto the phone.

SCP-XXXX-1: Hello, you have reached Amazon's customer service line. I see that you're enrolled in our beta trial program. My name is Michael, and I'll be your service rep for today. How can I help you?

Subject Mathers: I… I…

Agent Simmons: What is it?

Subject Mathers: That's my oldest son's name. Michael. Just like last time. It's the same voice, the same name…

Subject starts to tear up and shake.

Subject Mathers: So it's true! They did take him! I thought it might be some kind of p-prank, or mistake, but it's all r-real! They stole my baby boy! Oh, Jesus help me!

Agent Simmons: Mrs. Mathers, please stay calm. How old is your son?

Subject Mathers: He's t-twelve right now. He's supposed to be at soccer practice…

Agent Simmons: The young man on the phone sounds at least eighteen, if not older. I don't think there's any reason to panic yet, Mrs. Mathers. This may simply be a tactic meant to frighten you. Don't let it shake your will.

Subject Mathers: All … all right.

SCP-XXXX-1: Hello, ma'am? Are you still on the line?

Subject Mathers: Y-yes, I am.

SCP-XXXX-1: How can I help you today?

Subject Mathers: I… I want to terminate my beta trial!

SCP-XXXX-1: Ma'am, that can be easily arranged. We will take you off our list for receiving any future special offers. Would you be willing to offer any feedback on why the beta program didn't work for you?

Subject Mathers: No, you don't understand. I want a refund. I want you to take back the things you sent, and g-give me back my son!

SCP-XXXX-1: Ma'am, I'm afraid there are no refunds possible.

Subject Mathers: But… but there has to be! I just want to return the product I bought! I haven't even used it yet — it's still like new!

SCP-XXXX-1: I'm so sorry, ma'am, but it clearly states in our terms and conditions that due to the special process involved in our beta rewards program, we are not able to offer return services or refunds at this time. Were you not made aware of this clause when you signed up for our beta program?

Subject Mathers: No! I was not!

SCP-XXXX-1: Hmm… I'm looking into your file now, and it does seem to say you checked "yes" on a form indicating that you had read and understood all terms and conditions associated with our instant delivery service.

Subject Mathers: But… but…!

SCP-XXXX-1: Ma'am, I completely understand your confusion. Terms and conditions, who actually reads 'em, eh? Ha, ha ha.

Subject Mathers: This is not funny! This is not a joke! You can't do this! This has to be illegal, this—

Agent Simmons: Mrs Mathers, please, remain calm. First rule of calling customer service.

At this point, subject became completely inconsolable and the investigation was forced to terminate for the time being.

<End Log>

Tyler Lang

Subject: Tyler Lang

Field Operative: Senior Agent Charlene Simmons

<Begin Log>

Agent Simmons: Mr. Lang, remember to never mention not reading the terms and conditions. You won't win this if you do.

Subject Lang: Okay. Okay, got it.

The customer service number is dialed.

SCP-XXXX-1: Hey, hey, hello! You've reached Amazon's customer service line. My name is Diana, and I'll be your service rep for today. How can I help you?

Subject Lang: I want a refund on my enrollment in the trial program.

SCP-XXXX-1: Do you mean the rewards program in closed beta? Apologies, sir, but I can't offer you a refund on that. Enrollment was free for Prime members anyway.

Agent Simmons: Tell her you want to nullify your trial. You are not satisfied with the services you're receiving. Use these exact words.

Subject Lang: Okay, I want to nullify my trial. I'm not satisfied with the services I'm receiving.

There is a pause on the line.

SCP-XXXX-1: I'm so sorry to hear that, sir. What can we do to make things right for you?

Subject Lang: I want to end my goddamn trial. I want it to be like I never signed up for this thing in the first place.

SCP-XXXX-1: Okay, sir. I can do that for you.

The sound of fingers typing on a keyboard is audible over the phone.

SCP-XXXX-1: I just need to ask some questions to verify your identity. Can I get your address, please?

Subject Lang: [DATA REDACTED]

SCP-XXXX-1: Birthday and social security number?

Subject Lang: [DATA REDACTED]

SCP-XXXX-1: Alright. And for your first security question, who do you blame for the death of your brother?

Subject Lang: What?

SCP-XXXX-1: Who do you blame for the death of your brother Jackson?

Agent Simmons: If you can't answer the question honestly, Mr. Lang, then you need to drop the call right now. This doesn't end well when people lie.

SCP-XXXX-1: Sir, are you still there?

Subject Lang: I'm here, I'm here. I… I blame my nephew Aaron.

SCP-XXXX-1: That was a delayed response, sir. I have to ask you to elaborate. Where's Aaron now, and do you think he deserves it?

Subject Lang: Aaron's in prison, and yes. Yes, the irresponsible little shit deserves it after wasting every opportunity he had. I'm glad he's in there. I hope he stays in there and away from my family.

SCP-XXXX-1: Thank you, sir. Your second security question: How long do you plan to stay married to your current wife?

Subject Lang: …Five more years. We'll separate in May or June. Our daughter will be old enough then to handle the divorce, and it won't impact her schoolwork as much if it's timed for the summer.

SCP-XXXX-1: That's excellent, sir. Thank you for answering your security questions. I'm removing you from the beta trial now. Have a wonderful day.

The call drops.

Agent Simmons: How old is your daughter now, Mr. Lang?

Subject Lang: Diana's eleven — almost twelve. I… please don't judge me harshly. I just want the best for her.

<End Log>

Isadora Mauchly

Subject: Isadora Mauchly

Field Operative: Senior Agent Charlene Simmons

<Begin Log>

Subject Mauchly: So I just have to call this number, and say I want to nullify my beta rewards trial?

Agent Simmons: That's right.

Subject Mauchly: …

Agent Simmons: Is there a problem? I understand this may be an emotionally difficult thing to process, and it's all right if you need to take a moment to collect yourself—

Subject Mauchly: I mean, do I have to nullify the trial?

Agent Simmons: … What was that?

Subject Mauchly: It's just that… So according to you people, I signed away the custody rights to my first-born child by signing up for this instant delivery thing. Have I got that straight?

Agent Simmons: Yes.

Subject Mauchly: Well, what if I just never have kids?

Agent Simmons: … Well … I suppose that's certainly, ah, one possibility, but I assure you there are far less extreme ways to solve this problem. It may be a little complicated and strenuous, but we're here to help you through every step of the process, and we can certainly reverse the situation entirely if you just—

Subject Mauchly: Let me rephrase that. I know I'm never gonna have kids. I knew it even before all this nonsense started up, so it's not just because I don't wanna call some number that I'm saying that.

Agent Simmons: I beg your pardon?

Subject Mauchly: I don't even like kids. My boyfriend doesn't like kids. When we get married, we're going to have dogs.

Agent Simmons: I… see. But isn't there a possibility that you might change your mind later on? People do change their minds on these sorts of things, as they get older…

Subject Mauchly: Pretty sure I'm not gonna change my mind. But if I do, I guess I can always just call this number then. Am I right?

Agent Simmons: I… suppose… that is true, yes.

Subject Mauchly: Well. In that case, I don't see any reason why I shouldn't enjoy my free, instantaneous shipping for the time being. It's actually incredibly convenient — the other day I ran out of ice cream, so I looked online and you can order ice cream online now! It's still cold when it gets here!

Agent Simmons: Well, that does sound… convenient.

Subject Mauchly: Ice cream delivered straight to my home, whenever I want it? I'll take that over having kids any day. So… sorry to make you come all the way out here for nothing, but I think I'd rather just leave things exactly the way they are.

Agent Simmons: Ms Mauchly, I do respect your decision. However, for research purposes, would you be willing to dial this number anyway? In the interest of seeing what happens.

Subject Mauchly: Hmm. All right, sure, why not. What's the worst that could happen?

Subject dialed the number. After seven rings, the call cut off to the sound of faint static. The call remained connected, but there was no other response or sound for the next two minutes and 32 seconds before subject terminated the call.

Subject Mauchly: Well, I guess that's that on that.

<End Log>

Addendum #XXXX-2: Email received on ██/██/████ by Site Director Jamal Bell from the person of interest designated POI-XXXX-A

Hello,

I'd like to personally thank you and your organization for your assistance in the beta trials of a new rewards program being developed at my company.

[…]

Regards,
[DATA EXPUNGED]