A place to bash stuff out without clutter

Item #: SCP-3441

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-3441 is to be removed from circulation and Foundation web analysis bots are to perform takedowns of any instances that appear online. The Foundation is currently working with CBS Corporation to ensure that SCP-3441 is never made public.

Josef Delgado is currently designated PoI-701, and is to be monitored with involvement with SCP-3441. Agents assigned to him are to keep watch for the two individuals named by Delgado, designated Persons of Interest 7011 and 7012, as well.

Description: SCP-3441 is "The Pair of Ducks Paradox", originally aired as season 3 episode 7 of The Big Bang Theory, a sitcom produced by Warner Brothers Television. While the majority of the episode stays the same between airings, the laugh track will differ, with an audience member (self-identified as Josef Delgado) consistently heckling and insulting the actors throughout. Production records for this episode identify no on-set problems originating from the live audience during filming, but no records of Delgado purchasing a ticket have been recovered.

While Delgado's tone and language are often crude and incendiary, at its core he generally gives constructive criticism, speaking to legitimate concerns voiced by other critics of the show and appealing for changes to its treatment of race, sexuality, neurodivergence and gender as well as its engagement in/reliance on toxic masculine values and cheap laughs at the expense of those who deviate from them.

In 2011, the real-life Josef Delgado was identified as a construction worker living in Burbank, California. Agents Walter Ferrera and Jennifer Quaide, previously assigned to the anomaly, were dispatched to observe. Contact was made 26/3/2011.

Interview Log 3441-3

Delgado: I don't appreciate this. My manager's gonna be pissed I'm not out there. He notices shit like this.

Ferrera: Hey, man, chill. I talked to your manager, it's all sorted, we should be done in a few minutes.

Delgado runs his teeth along his lips.

Delgado: Ok, so, I really need this job. Can you tell Mark this was like, uh, like you was asking me whether I'd heard anything suspicious from my neighbours? I live in an apartment, I hear stuff all the time, man. If you do, I can give you names, uhhh, places, I'll give you back my gear, we can-

Quaide: This isn't about drugs.

Delgado: … Oh.

Ferrera: Though, dude, maybe stop smoking around your kid? That shit is bad for little lungs.

(Delgado scratches behind his ear, looking at the ground.)

Delgado: She's my sister, man. Only just got out of that house. I'm sorry, I'm still tryna get used to her being around…

(Delgado frowns and looks back up at the agents.)

Delgado: Wait, does this mean you been watching me?

Quaide: We're getting off track.

Delgado: It's not cool if you been watching me, that's fucked up.

Quaide: Did you attend the live filming of an episode of The Big Bang Theory in 2009?

Delgado: It - what?!

(Delgado begins itching a point his neck)

Ferraro: Simple question, no tricks.

(Delgado hesistates and appears visibly nervous.)

Delgado: I don't watch comedies, mi amigo.

Quaide: So you weren't there, then.

Delgado: No, no it's not that. I just don't-

Ferraro: Come on, buddy, just tell us. This isn't hard.

Delgado: Did Roger send you? Yeah, you work for Roger. I'm telling him I don't tango with DJ Slimy anymore.

Ferraro: Wait, who?

Delgado: DJ Slimy, he works with Roger! I don't know who he is, I never saw his face. I was there nine hours and he never had a face. He just stood there in the studio sound booth while Roger twerked on the grandmothers. Do you know how much your boss makes twerking on grandmothers? $50,000 an episode, that's how much.

Ferraro: Wait, this Roger was at the studio? During an episode?

Quaide: Mr. Delgado, was this episode called "The Pair of Ducks Paradox?"

Delgado: What? No, shut up! Shut up, you can't talk about it. My ears still hurt from the music he played, man. I don't want to think about it!

Ferraro: We just need you to tell us if you were there.

Delgado: I was never there!

Ferraro: Then how-

Delgado: I am never there! Emma Lazarus was, like, wrong, okay? She was just fucking wrong. DJ Slimy is living proof! I'm not in cooperation with Roger anymore, he's a racist shit! Don't talk about it, don't think about it. It hurts right here when I think about it, okay?

(Delgado taps a point on his throat.)

Delgado: I'm just going back to work, alright? I'm sorry I got mixed up with the wrong people, your people. Shit, I regret it every day. When you see him, tell Roger this: I. Am Never. There. Good day.

(Delgado walks quickly back to the construction site. Agent Ferrera begins itching her neck.)

Test Log, 9/12/2019

(PENNY (Kaley Cuoco) and SHELDON (Jim Parsons) sit on opposite sides of a lone door which has been built in the centre of the SHELDON/LEONARD apartment. SHELDON is wearing a costume of comic book character The Flash. The audience laughs.)

Delgado: Why the fuck is everyone, like… Like, what, it's funny he's wearing the costume now?

(SHELDON frowns, but continues as scripted. He turns to speak to PENNY then, seeing the door, begins to knock for her attention. Following a running joke, he repeats a pattern of knocking three times and saying her name. Audience laughs.)

Delgado: This is bullshit, it's not even a joke! It's just a stupid jab at the mentally fucking retarded or whatever.

PENNY: You know this isn't a real door, right Sheldon?

Delgado: Like I've read about this, he's got like a child mind and they repeat stuff all the time. Aspergers. But they won't say that in the show cos they're coward cunts.

(Jim Parsons breaks character, turning to face the corner of the set.)

Parsons: Can't you just - isn't it enough we are here? Do you have to do this every time?

Delgado: It's a bad show, dickhead. Learn to take constructive criticism.

Parsons: This isn't reasonable! We can't get out!

Delgado: That sounds like a you problem.

(Parsons stands and begins walking toward the corner of the room. Camera moves through the same angles as always despite Parsons being missing from frame, and Cuoco continues to act as PENNY is scripted, though somewhat strained.)

PENNY: Don't think you can just give me some sob story and I'll forgive you. Back home, Jimmy Rogers stole my training bras and let me tell you when I was done with him he sounded like a girl too.

(Audience laughs. Parsons is now fully off-camera and, from triangulation of sound from multiple camera angles, appears to have walked beyond the corner, leaving the space of the set and entering the space where the crew operates. No audible reactions from crew members are recorded.)

Parsons: Maybe I can't figure out how to leave this place but I can sure as hell beat your ass.

(Audience laughs.)

Delgado: And what's that going to achieve? God, are you so fucking dim-witted that you still believe Roger's even vaguely human? That I am?

Parsons: You-

Delgado: Shut up. You don't have a clue what I'm capable of. I'm taking this so easy on you. This is the /humane/ version.

PENNY: Awww, Sheldon. You never told me that before! Almost makes up for what you did. Almost.

Parsons: How is this humane? You all have got us trapped in a never-ending god-awful loop, doing this stupid show again and again. Why us?

Delgado: Fuck, dude, I have no control over that. I'm trapped here just the same as you, CBS pages don't even let me breathe anymore. Figured I could have a bit of fun while I'm not alive.

(Audience laughs despite SHELDON not having said his line. On screen, PENNY opens the door, looking down to where SHELDON should be sitting.)

PENNY: Excuse me? To think I was this close to forgiving you, you creep!

Delgado: We're all dead here, Bazinga Boy. Dead and trapped.

PENNY: God, Sheldon! You don't understand privacy at all!

Parsons: If you're trapped too then work with us. /Help/ us. Maybe we can escape together. DJ Slimy isn't God.

Delgado: You know what? OK. Fuck it.

Parsons: Oh, thank God.

Delgado: No need to thank me. Thank DJ Slimy.

(PENNY walks out of the apartment, angry, and stops at the door out.)

PENNY: And for the record, those were for a special occasion!

(Audience laughs as PENNY slams the door behind her.)

Delgado: Jesus, fuck. I hate that line so much. Just because Penny's a slut we get to like, make fun of her? So what if she likes three cocks in her mouth, man, that's her decision. I love when I have slutty friends, man, they have all the best stories. Screw this, they can punish you however they want. I am never there.

Parsons: No, wait-

(Parsons is cut off with a recording of "Redbone" by Childish Gambino played at roughly 120 decibels. Cuoco can be seen bleeding from the ears on camera. Parsons can be heard screaming under the music for the first twelve seconds, then silence. The song plays in its entirety.)

Delgado: Stupid fucking mass entertainment. Bazinga on, fuckers!

(Show continues as normal, despite the absence of SHELDON. All characters appear strained, and PENNY is visibly crying as she continues her role. Simon Helberg, who plays Leonard, appears to be missing an eye.)

Parsons was not present in the following three test logs, replaced by child actor Iain Armitage1. After this, Parsons returned to the role, with no characters verbally acknowledging his absence. Parsons now randomly will itch his neck a number of times throughout the episode. As well as heckling, Delgado will now occasionally yell "Rabbit!", at which point Parsons will repeatedly scratch at a point on his throat until he is able to tear a small hole in the skin. From this hole, Parson will pull out a bleached rabbit skull, tearing the hole wider. This inevitably causes serious trauma to Parsons, but he appears unable or unwilling to resist doing it. He will then carry the rabbit skull throughout the remainder of the episode, and attempt to continue his part despite injuries

Injuries sustained in this act are persistent within the episode but disappear when replayed. The rabbit skull also vanishes between playbacks. While the audience and characters are quiet during this act, Delgado can be clearly heard gleefully laughing.