Per 
General Outline:
Color Key
- Tinnose Tasks
- WhiteGuard Tasks
- General Tasks
Keep it simple as we have been, but also to try to ramp up some of the emotion between the original discovery and the final transcript. To do so, I believe one thing we can do is add some info on actions the instances took to prove themselves between the discovery.
As time passes, each event should also show either more desperation with each attempt or more hopelessness with each attempt. We can additionally add a little more info on the main pilot in the part where we have them list his name.
1. Develop the pilot's character.
2. Add to the desperation of the specters.
3. Consider adding GRU-P to the story.
Think of some things the pilots attempt to prove themselves and add them between the discovery and the neutralization (making a new addendum).
Idea if the addendum stuff doesn't work:
Hm, would a list of incident suffice as well? Something we do have to be careful of is making sure our article does not turn into a novel.
<WhiteGuard> Of course, we can always trim afterwards, so go ham haha
<Tinnose> Well, so far, each incident is no more than a paragraph.
<Tinnose> We should get some critique after I implement the addendums, and if they dont like it, we can simply put it in a table and do something like "XXX lines omitted" between notable incidents.
I can look into giving a bit more backstory. I will also read over the whole thing once we have the new addendum in place to see if I can make it appeal to people's emotions. Once I think more of the backstory part, I think I will figure out whether I can bring GRU-P in or not.
Dialogue:
Acceptable times are 11-12 AM on weekdays, and 12-2 PM on weekends. ~T
Feedback
<SharpEmbrace Feedback> We don't really get to see the soldier develop. We just see him when he's super pissy about modern aircraft and when he's found some sanity. We don't get to see the road in between, which is really what should be the interesting part. Additionally, the character doesn't really have much definition beyond his core argument about planes. Like, we don't see him exist outside of the context of planes in any way, so he doesn't really feel like a real person.
~W
<fairydoctor Feedback> The piece relies on the audio recording, and transcript for narrative; as a reader I was told what the narrative was, instead of pulled into these pilots having a sort of ghost shell shock/culture shock. It didn't hook me. I can see elements of what you're doing. What are the ghost's motivations? Them not wanting to be forgotten? I like that. Sometimes a thing or person lives on in memory, they want to be alive ye? What is the captain's personality? I'd like to see more characterization of the captain and the agent … not much.
~T
<nokko Feedback>
I wonder why Coleman was so confrontational in that interview. Like, this is kind of a strong contention for someone interviewing ghosts that can fly ghostly planes, and have flown them into other real planes. I might appreciate some description of the observed 'impossible maneuvers,' which could help characterize the pilots a bit more. Maybe a table with dates/descriptions. then you could even have them change over time as they figured their efforts were futile. You could probably make it work if the ghosts engaged the MTF beforehand, like flying a spitfire an inch over their Humvees or something I feel like you could even make that event log build-up to the crash incident, then build-up to the confrontation with the MTF, then peter out and end with an apology. The plot kind of moves quickly as-is. Minor things-wise, you mention that the effect activates "in the vicinity," I feel like the Foundation should have a distance pinned down so their personnel is safe. I also wonder if GRU-P would have been interested in a Soviet ghost appearing out of nowhere… but that's just a thought. Maybe the Soviets are pointedly absent from the lineup? again, idk if you wanna tie GRU-p into it.
~W
<Sirslash47 Feedback>
Firstly I think your draft is enjoyable to read, you and your co-author know which way ou want to take it. You use some terms (like which airplane etc.) that are a bit technical but they are not overwhelming which is a good thing for people that generally don't know much about planes/WO2. I don't think you should compromise on that btw About the audio and the feedback you already got
It seems like they got a closure which is great you started and ended clearly but (now my critique)
To have that amount of growth in a character with only 2 logs (begin and end) is certainly possible. You gave a discription/explanation how he felt etc. But I feel like you can "push it a bit more" or let him shine just that bit extra
For example
In the end he talks about how things have advanced like the airplanes/humans etc. past WO2
You can enhance this even more
like he says "God exacts justice if they deserve it" (In WO2 they believed more in god than nowadays), you can also maybe add "an accent or older way to speak" since it is an audio log to
But overall I think it is great
Very pleasant read
I don't think I had much to say but I hope you and your partner can publish this in the future
Good luck!
SCP-XXXX: Don't Forget About Us …
Author: Tinnose
Co-Author: WhiteGuard
Special Thanks to
SharpEmbrace,
fairydoctor,
nokko,
Sirslash47
Archived Special Containment Procedures: The area surrounding SCP-XXXX has been closed off from the public, with two armed guards patrolling the premises. Should an instance of SCP-XXXX-1 manifest, guards are to maintain a distance of 10 meters from the instance.
When an incident with SCP-XXXX-1 occurs, all witnesses are to be detained, interrogated, and administered Class A amnestics prior to release. All media reports concerning the existence of SCP-XXXX-1 are to be intercepted and edited.
SCP-XXXX's radial engine
Description: SCP-XXXX is a damaged Supermarine Spitfire1 located in a secluded forest north of Hamburg, Germany. When a human enters SCP-XXXX's vicinity, several SCP-XXXX-1 instances manifest.
SCP-XXXX-1 is the collective designation assigned to a group of slightly transparent, spectral humanoids who wear clothing consistent with uniforms of WWII era British, American, German, and Soviet fighter pilots. SCP-XXXX-1 instances routinely appear flying WWII era aircraft, which appear slightly transparent, alongside modern pilots at the German ████████ airfield. These pilots report events that differ slightly; however, all reports specify that SCP-XXXX-1 instances conducted several aerial maneuvers that are difficult for modern aircraft to replicate.
Add more of the pilot's bio.
One specific instance of SCP-XXXX-1, which is designated as SCP-XXXX-2, acts as the leader for the other instances. SCP-XXXX-2 matches the physical description of █████ T██████, who is listed as KIA in the Royal Air Force's records. After matching SCP-XXXX's serial number with the Royal Air Force's records, it was found that T██████ was the pilot who flew SCP-XXXX.
SCP-XXXX-1 instances are not openly hostile to humans. However, these entities harbor contempt for modern aircraft. After the incident, which triggered Foundation intervention, pilots were instructed to avoid SCP-XXXX-1 instances when conducting their routine practice drills.
Photograph of █████ T██████, believed to be SCP-XXXX-2, standing in front of SCP-XXXX
Addendum XXXX-1: Discovery
SCP-XXXX-1 instances became known to the Foundation on July 27, 1958, after embedded Foundation agents received reports of German pilots seeing apparitions of WWII era aircraft flying alongside them. Sightings included British pilots flying Supermarine Spitfires, American pilots flying P-51 Mustangs, and German pilots flying Messerschmitt BF-109s. The pilots who witnessed these instances of SCP-XXXX-1 reported them to be "ghostly." From witness accounts, the aircraft these instances were flying appeared to be slightly transparent.
The activities of these instances appear to be restricted to the ████████ airfield north of ███████, Germany. On April 30, 1958, a mid-air collision occurred with one of the instances near the airfield. The pilot survived, having bailed out of his aircraft before it crashed. Foundation agents were dispatched to examine the collision site. Although wreckage from the plane of the instance was expected at the collision site, no traces of SCP-XXXX-1's plane or SCP-XXXX-1 itself were found.
A thorough search of the area surrounding the airfield was conducted. During this search, SCP-XXXX was discovered. MTF Mu-13 ("Ghostbusters") was dispatched to SCP-XXXX to sweep the vicinity and search for any instances of SCP-XXXX-1. During this mission, several SCP-XXXX-1 instances manifested. SCP-XXXX-2 approached MTF Mu-13 and began to vocalize. Below is a transcript of the recorded conversation between SCP-XXXX-2 and the captain of MTF Mu-13.
Better emotionally appeal in the interview.
SCP-XXXX-1 instances have resumed their previous actions. Despite repeated attempts, contact with the instances has never been achieved since their interaction with MTF Mu-13. FIX THIS LATER
Possibly a new Addendum containing events which took place between the interview and the final neutralization event?
Addendum XXXX-2: Notable Incidents
Due to the large amount of incidents involving SCP-XXXX-1, all but the most notable incidents have been omitted for brevity.
| Incident Number | Date | Incident Summary |
|---|---|---|
| Incident XXXX-1 | May 3rd, 1958 | First incident involving SCP XXXX-1 instances. Entities conducted an event in which they flew close to pilots flying training flights from the nearby airfield. Entities performed a series of acrobatic maneuvers, and always flew above the pilots, as if expressing dominance. |
| Incident XXXX-58 | September 17, 1961 | SCP-XXXX-1 instances began to fly directly at pilots conducting maintenance flights. Several flights were delayed due to this. This continued until a warning burst was fired by a pilot from the airfield. Soon after, the entities were seen flying back towards the nearby forest. |
| Incident XXXX-92 | August 29, 1972 | A mock dogfight between SCP-XXXX-1 instances was witnessed over the nearby forest. Several aircraft were "shot down" quickly, and afterwards several aircraft dropped smoke in patterns. Eyewitnesses report that this smoke fell in such a way that it spelled out "Revert to the old ways." |
| Incident XXXX-142 | January 9, 1995 | A group of SCP-XXXX-1 instances flew especially close to the airfield, in tight formation. They circled the airfield until a surface-to-air missile burst near the lead aircraft. The entities immediately broke formation and flew to the nearby forest. |
| Incident XXXX-194 | October 15, 2005 | Several entities were seen witnessed trespassing onto the airfield. They began to move towards parked aircraft, as if to sabotage them. They were driven off by gunfire from guards. |
Addendum XXXX-5: Neutralization
Since November 26, 2018, no encounters have been reported with SCP-XXXX-1 instances. After testing to ensure that SCP-XXXX was no longer anomalous, and confirmation that no further encounters by SCP-XXXX-1 had been witnessed, SCP-XXXX was reclassified to Neutralized. A note was found in the cockpit of SCP-XXXX, scrawled on a piece of paper. The transcript of the note is below.
Modify letter to appeal more to people's emotions.
