Per 
Item #: SCP-1958-J
Object Class: Safe, Keter, Safe, Euclid, Safe, Last fucking warning. - 05-█
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1958-J is to be kept in a 6 meter by 6 meter containment chamber with a roof of at least 18 meters of height at Area-██. At no time should any personnel cross the “boundary line” on the floor when in the chamber. At the time there is no record of how SCP-1958-J arrived into Foundation custody.
Description: SCP-1958-J is an impenetrable, unbreakable plastic jar of full something that looks like Jif brand peanut butter, but we don’t know a god-damned thing because we can’t open it, and if anyone has a way to destroy of the fucking thing then please let 05 know how to destory it. PLEASE ALL I FUCKING WANT IS A GOOD PB&J SANDWICH!
SCP-1958 is able to anomalously make any brand of creamy peanut butter in the entire site spontaneously combust after opening, erupting a 25,000°C plasma column, destroying everything in a 6x18x6 meter area. Although SCP-1958-J is also prone to these effects, the jar will remain completely intact after combusting. Containment teams have attempted to move SCP-1958-J to a remote location, but after getting 20 miles away from the site the damned peanut butter UNSCREWED ITSELF AND FUCKING OBLITERATED ██████ AND TELEPORTED BACK TO IT’S DAMNED, FUCKING, CONTAINMENT CELL. This release of energy was equal to about the equivlent of 2 hydrogen bombs detonating at the same time, by far the largest SCP-1958-J Event so-far.
Everyone at Area-██ has noted their love for PB&Js and their hatred for SCP-1958-J, so it may be memetic but no-one fucking cares enough to test it, JUST BLOW THE DAMN THING OUT OF THE SKY, OR FUCKING SEND IT TO SPACE, I DONT CARE WHAT IT TAKES 05, JUST FUCKING GET RID OF IT.
Document #1958-J-2:
SCP-1958-J is also allegedly responsible for the destruction of 15 tons of white bread within a 50 mile radius of it’s containment cell, so we are all just stuck here eating this bland-ass whole wheat bread.
[Addendum Log 1958-J-1]
Note: This tape was recovered from the Black Box installed on the Foundation Vehicle.Subjects: Mobile Task Force Epsilon-11 (“Nine-Tailed Fox”) members, hereby referred to as
MTF-1, and MTF-2.MTF-2: [REDACTED]
MTF-1: Let’s just get this damned thing away from anywhere that it can cause a problem.MTF-2: Hey ████(MTF-1)? What the hell is it doing?!
MTF-1: FUCK! GET THE FUCKING LID BACK ON FOR GOD’S-
[Static]
[End Log]
Document #1958-J-3
Reclassification to Object Class: Keter, Denied.
Reclassification to Object Class: Euclid, Denied.
Reclassification to Object Class: "DESTROY THE DAMED FUCKING THING FOR GODS SAKE" is pending until we can make the 05s do it.
