Per 
Notes:
Some sort of anomalous chain reaction. -> Some sort of bullshit/etc anomalous chain reaction. (Clef characterization)
"Sending him in now," the secretary replied. [Clef smirked.] Okay, maybe she was a little bit like Adams.
Could have more characterization before dialogue.
"So what the hell do you want," Clef asked, without turning around. » said? Troy didn't suggest.
"Like hell I'm gonna do this," he said. « Add reaction shot right before this line.
Scene 1: Vary up sentence structure. (Clef said, "Fuck.") More dynamic. Maybe.
"There was a note. Clef made the note good. It was the least he could do." » Good, but the rest of the scene isn't. Pare down.
"Clef read her name and felt like a dick. " — Want more of this in earlier scenes
Roth: Maybe steal last 3 sentences from Jones and cut Jones.
RAISA Director Maria Jones, drank herself to death on […]
Moose could say Dimitri told her stories
They were friends
Expand the moose stuff… too much being badass at each other. Could do a lot more.
Then Clef noticed a shadow twitch. He sighed and stepped into the shack. Instantly, Kondraki grabbed the shotgun from his hands. » play this out a little more, 1-2 sentences
"I always…" Kondraki half-grinned. "I cared too, Clef. I always cared. Funny we could never say that, huh? The Foundation's finest… I'm sorry I never told you." » Cut alot.
And he was gone. > Take a sentence or two
Staring up at the sky
At a crack in reality
And he was gone.
Clef is really passive in the Lament section. Works well with Gears, but not with Lament.
Clef: What's your favorite monster movie?
Light: Friday the 13th.
The last girl always kills him in the end.
*
Clef, to Moose: When the hell did you build up this much magical juice?
Since Alpha-9 failed, I knew the world would end. I just didn't know how. [?]
Actual Scrap:
He'd been ordered back to 67 after months of sitting at a desk in Site-19.
[can't seem to make this scene work. everyone highlights it as a weak point of the story. cut for now.]
Next on the list was Records And Information Security Director Maria Jones. Clef grimly chuckled reading her name: he'd clashed with the RAISA Director more than once. More than a few times. Pity, though — he liked her.
Then again, he didn't like her as much as some of the other names on the list.
He needed to be more subtle. A pattern was going to form fairly quickly, all these deaths of high-clearance Foundation personnel. No reason to give the game away this early.
The solution turned out to be straightforward: it was the week after the anniversary of the death of a close friend of Director Jones, one Researcher David Eskobar.
Though, "close friend" might be overstating things. They'd been friends, and there had been rumors… entirely baseless rumors, as far as Clef could tell from the files. It was just that the two of them were both loners, and had been each others' only connections of note. And she'd cried at his funeral. First and only time anyone had ever seen the director of RAISA tear up.
Of course there had been rumors.
Apparently there had been something there, even if it hadn't been an actual romantic relationship, because she drank herself nearly to death on the yearly anniversary of his passing.
This time she actually drank herself to death. There was a note. Clef made the note good. It was the least he could do.
**
[this is clumsy]
At least he didn't have to kill the old Director, Dimitri Strelnikov. Clef had been secretly hoping the old bastard was still kicking around after all, somehow, but alas. Life had already gotten to him. Guess it wasn't going to matter.
Of course, just saying that out loud sounded like a lie, even though it was the truth. The shitty, disappointing truth. If Moose blamed him for this, Clef reflected, then other people did too. The thought didn't make him happy.
"Okay," Clef said. "Obviously you're waiting to tell me something, so out with it."
*
"If you can get Gears, you can get me," Moose said. "I could fight, and I could hurt you, but I'd lose. So I'd rather get an answer to one question."
"No," Clef said.
[this shit is overwritten]
"No. I'm serious. Fuck you. You were one of us. You know what it's like to be on the ground, facing the threat head-on. You know what it's like to be the little guy, and you still did this. Marched in lockstep with the other O5s and put "the greater good" in front of human lives. You were supposed to be better than this. And now I find out, in the end, you're just another puppet master tugging on the fucking strings. So yeah, fuck you."
try that or something like that instead?
"Last name on the list. Troy Lament. Ganymede. O5-12. …Jeremiah Colton…. Whatever else they've ever called me. You know what to do." Lament proffered the gun, butt-first. "Prefer not the face, if you don't mind."
Follow that up with:
Clef took the gun from Lament. He checked the chamber to make sure a shell was loaded, then rested the muzzle of the gun on the other man's chest. "If I were one kind of bastard I'd shoot you in the balls. If I were another kind of bastard I'd shoot you in the face. Right now, I'm just tired. Go to hell."
He pulled the trigger.
Actually, replace Clef's rant with:
"I mean it. Just… fuck you. I just murdered everyone I know and love while the world ends around me. For all I know, this is the ten thousandth time I've done this. I should be mad, I should be disappointed, but right now I'm just done…"
and go from there.
because I'm too drunk to figure out what to say next, lol
(Clef feedback)
**
But for better or worse, that 'some part' had mostly been beaten into submission.
by…
…years at a desk? Administrative burden? etc
"Uh-huh," Clef said. "Wish I could say it was good to see you." It wasn't. » Feels like there could be something else there
Clef stared at him. He was surprised, to his surprise. "What? Seriously?" « Troy misgivings
*
"I'm serious. Fuck you. I just murdered everyone I know and love while the world ends around me. For all I know, this is the ten thousandth time I've done this. I should be mad, I should be disappointed, but I'm just… done." He shook his head. "You were one of us, Troy! You know what it's like, being in the room with a monster, knowing there's no way out. I thought you were better than this. That maybe you knew something I didn't. And now I find out, in the end, you're just marching in lockstep with the other O5s for "the greater good". Another puppet master tugging on the fucking strings. And for what?"
Lament just stood there and took it.
"You were supposed to fix all this, Troy." Clef's anger was cooling back down into that old, familiar bitterness. "You were supposed to fix it."
"I'm sorry, man," Lament said. "For what it's worth…"
**
"I'm serious. Fuck you. I just murdered everyone I know and love while the world ends around me. For all I know, for the ten thousandth time. I should be mad, I should be disappointed, but I'm just… done. I thought you were better than this. You were one of us, Troy! You know what it's like, being in the room with the monster, knowing maybe there's no way out. And now, in the end, I find out you're marching in lockstep with the other O5s for — I assume — "the greater good". Just another puppet master tugging on the fucking strings. And for what?"
"You were one of us, Troy! I thought you were better than this. That maybe you knew something I didn't. And now I find out, in the end, you're just marching in lockstep with the other O5s for "the greater good". Another puppet master tugging on the fucking strings. And for what?"
**
You mean you don't know.
We can only look about… we think twelve timelines back.
So you think you've done this twelve times.
Ha. No. God no.
Lament breathed deeply. "We don't know. Not even our archivist knows. We've only deciphered traces from… at least four timelines back. Perhaps as many as twelve."
"So you're telling me twelve timelines."
**
Supposedly, SCP-1000 had it before us. Who knows if that's true.
"No. God no. We weren't even the first to use this Bloom."
