Per 
SCP-xxxx-J
Object Class: LDTS (Let’s Do This Shit)
Special Containment Procedures: Mobile Task Force Alpha-12 (“The Official Podcasters”) are to maintain constant surveillance of SCP-xxxx-J. One member (Agent Wagenheim) must always reside within the area of the subject, with the addition that he makes similar but less successful content for the subject’s preferred video platform. The other two members (Agents Orsan and Clarke) are to maintain video chat calls with the subject. These calls, to be attended by Agent Wagenheim as well, are typically to be in the form of an audio/video podcast and are to be produced frequency, preferably between 7-10 days apart. Agent Tracy is to maintain the appearance as the subject’s fiancée, with her maintaining the subject’s well-being, personal needs, and to maintain watch if the other agents cannot observe subject’s activity. Finally, subject is to be provided by food, funds, and other necessities or services via covert transfer to personal properties and providers or though agents themselves. Other than these procedures, subject is to be always undisturbed.
Description: SCP-xxx-J is a 167.64cm tall humanoid entity named Charlies White, better known by his online name Cr1TiKaL. Subject is indistinguishable to other humans, except for a few anomalous bodily features. Subject possesses six penises with testicles on the base of each shaft, vagally in the shape of the flowering body of asparagus. Subject can use each penis independently of each other and extend them to impossible lengths with the longest recorded reached up to 2.41402 kilometers. The center of the "flower" is used a form of self-rebirth. If subject is killed, the center is able to open into a fleshy chamber that acts similarly to a womb, with a copy of the subject being generated within. While regenerating a new form, music can be heard around the area where the process occurs. Notable songs that have been recorded include:
| Song | Artist | First Recorded |
| Moon Jocks N Prog Rocks | Mungolian Jetset | 2011 |
| Source | Fever The Ghost | 2014 |
| 4AM | Ocular | 2015 |
| Off-Peak OST | Archie Pelago | 2015 (Note: This is the first full album recorded during the process) |
| Atariwave | Quok | 2016 |
| Hala | Rezzett | 2018 |
| Paradise (Stay Forever) | Barry "Epoch" Topping | 2020 |
| Be Sweet | Japanese Breakfast | 2021 |
Subject’s hair is shown to be prehensile, however due to the feature being relatively new after subject’s hair reached chest level, the mechanisms behind this is as of now unknown. Subject’s skin is slightly tougher and produces sweat more frequently than normal humans, though these features is negligible when observing casually. Internally, subject appears to possess few anomalous features such as larger blood vessels traveling to the penises, possessing a second yet smaller heart, a slightly larger liver, and having muscles fibers and bone structure comparable to SCP-1788-1 instances.
SCP-xxxx-J is shown to have psycho-memetic properties. First, subject can persuade most viewers to his opinion when channeled through a video streaming platform. These are mostly on his opinions on personal interests, trends, or people. For example, when talking/analyzing topics such as Wendy Williams and Slapping, subject can convey his opinion on these topics and most people will sync with his perspective on them, thus either liking or disliking these topics regardless of having or lacking knowledge on them. Secondly, when confronted physically, SCP-xxxx-J can seduce any person regardless of gender. Subject seems to be unable to control or understand his anomalous ability and seems to go into a religious fervor to avoid sex. Subject and victim speak in various languages for some reason and eventual, subject gives in. During sex, SCP-xxxx-J can kill subjects within mere seconds of insertion, though this varies from person to person. Subjects who survived sex become friendly with him afterwards, becoming unwilling slaves to him. Anti-memetic agents have yet been ineffective on treating or preventing SCP-xxxx-J’s effects. Subject’s effects seem to be bolstered by his monotone voice and straight-forward delivery, although this is not 100% confirmed.
Subject has been found to produce an unknown liquid from the openings of each penis, through manual execration. This substance has a color and consistence similar to that of butter milk, with a smell similar to that of almonds. Upon consumption, test subjects begin what can be described as a "life changing" transformation, upon which they gain some of the abilities of SCP-xxxx-J. This, however, is shown to be temporary and usually dissipates upon 1-3 days after consumption. Large quantities of this substance have shown to cause ███████ (As of July 8th, 2021, all tests on the substance have been postponed due to incident-xxxx-1)
Another ability, and one that is cause for concern, is SCP-xxxx-J's ability to slap anyone and anything out of existence. With one slap, anyone who opposes him are rendered either dead or cease to exist. Below are notable examples of those who dare oppose/cross SCP-Cr1TiKaL-J:
| Subject | Number of Slaps | Results |
| SCP-682 | 5 | Subject is able to regenerate full after a few hours. However, it seemed to be paralyzed in a state of fear for several weeks afterwards |
| SCP-173 | 3 | Subject nearly shattered with the force of his slaps. As of writing, subject is inactive |
| D-12354 | 1 | D-12354 ceased to exist, disappearing in a cloud of ash and blood. |
Addendum-1: Below is a transcript between Agent ██████ and SCP-xxxx-J during incident-xxxx-j-1.
Agent ██████: Hello, Mr. White
SCP-xxxx-J: Please, call me Charlie.
Agent ██████: Oh yes, take me daddy. Impale me with your massive cream snakes.
Subject begins to speak in Basque for some reason
SCP-xxxx-J: Zer? Kristaua den guztiaren maitasunaz, zure aurrerapen maltzur guztiak uzteko agintzen dizut.
Agent ██████: Please, my panda express hole is waiting for you mighty girth. Fill me like a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day balloon.
SCP-xxxx-J: Isilik, ene jainkoak erruki zaitez zure arimarekin. Leku sakratuenetara, eliza santura, joan beharko zenuke
Agent ██████ begins speaking in Irish (who knows):
Agent ██████: Mura ndéanann tú, fillfidh Sátan le míle bliain dorchadais. Cuirfidh sé sceimhle orainn go léir lena n-áirítear filleadh na douches
SCP-xxxx-J: Ongi, behar bada
Sex happens between the subjects. Agent [redacted] dies almost immediately and SCP-Cr1TiKaL stop 10 hours later and realizes the reality of the matter
SCP-xxxx-J: Aupa izorra! Berriro gertatu zen. Zergatik nire hiru saltxitxek nahasten dute beti nire burua zeruko aitaren nahiaren aurka
Addendum-2: Below is a conversation between members of MTF Alpha-12 regarding their deployment to SCP-xxxx-J during video conference with subject. Subject was absent because of a bathroom emergency while conversation occurred:
SCP-xxxx-J: That's great Jackson! Anyway, I feel the need to make Korean-style diarrhea after the BTS Meal I had.
SCP-xxxx-J leaves room
Agent Wagenheim: So… what do you guys think?
Agent Orsan: About what?
Agent Wagenheim: You know.
Agent Clarke: About our containment of this… thing.
Agent Wagenheim: Exactly, and it's a he, not a thing.
Agent Orsan: OMG, Wagenheim. Don't fucking talk to the subject as if he were a person.
Agent Wahenheim: Well, technically. He is still a human being
Agent Clarke: Ya, if humans were equipped with three dicks, able to self-rebirth, and has super-slapping abilities.
Agent Wahenheim: Well, still…
Agent Tracy enters the room in clear distress
Agent Tracy: WTF, Wahemheim. Are you mentally slow? If he could hear you, the mission would be compromised. We all be dead either by subduction and/or being slapped to death.
Agent Clarke: She's right, Wahemheim. Do you know the tourcher it is to keep him happy. I was practically forced to remain in this task force because he took a liking to me.
Agent Orsan: Same here. I had to watch both a crappy religious show about a donkey and a Russian propaganda film that rips of Harry Potter just to keep him happy.
Agent Tracy: And don't get me started on the things I had to do. My rectum is still sore and my palms are chaffed. I used to be a medical doctor at Harvard. I had the cure for cancer in my hand.
Agent Wahenheim: Sure you did you stupid ████████████. Anyway, would you rather be on jellyfish island, Jurassic Park, or how about Antarctica?
Agent Orsan: Those would be wonderful compared to the situation we are in now.
Agent Wahenheim: Look, I'm saying that he seems nice as long as we keep him in the dark.
Agent Clarke: Ok, I see your point.
Toilet flush heard in the background
Agent Tracy: Oh shit, he's coming back.
Agent Wahemheim: Ok, back to positions.
SCP-xxxx-J returns to the room
SCP-xxxx-J: Ok, what I missed?
Addendum-2 On June 18, 2021, SCP-xxxx-J had received verification status on the popular social site ███████. Subject, upon receiving the new, announces his commendation through the Foundation-managed channel without incident. Afterwards, however, subject begins to exhibited odd behavior. SCP-xxxx-J begins to remove articles of clothing and starts ████████████ while running. As he traverses, he beings to scream:
"Wooo, ya babbbby. I can't believe it, I got verified by the cyber-fascists conglomerates. Time to visit Peggy Hill and plow her sweet dump truck ass".
After successfully fertilizing the middle-aged women borehole, causing her to become ass-pregnant and later give birth to █████████, SCP-xxxx-J conducted a ceremony more commonly referred to as the Goatzee. Instead of showing visible anal area, SCP-xxxx-J produces a gateway to a unknown location (presumably extra-dimensional in origin). Several instances of Aptenodytes forsteri emerge and begin to celebrate with the subject for several days. Afterwards, instances seemingly vanish instantaneously and subject resumes normal routine. Investigation behind this phenomena is ongoing.
Incident-xxxx-J-1 On June 30, 2021, Dr. ████████ conducted an experiment involving a D-Class where he is instructed on consuming large amounts of the substance produced by SCP-xxxx-J. Upon consumption, D-1234 broke containment through as of yet unknown circumstances. Several objects, including SCP-████, SCP-████, and SCP-███ managed to escape containment. Within hours, subject expired within a forested area of ██████, Florida. Class-A amnestics were distributed soon after and all tests with the substance have been postponed until further notice
