Per 
[…]for use in order to help them win the cold war,[…]
The Cold War wasn't actually a war. There was no active warring between first and second world countries (capitalist and communist countries respectively). I feel what you intend is that the Soviet Union survives and the USA collapses. (Versus what has happened in our timeline, the USSR collapsed in the early 90s). Which in this case, "Gru-P" division is aiding the USSR to destabalise the US economy. (The USSR collapsed due to economical reasons… as well as a few other things, but economical is a major factor.)
How do you plan on telling this narrative from the Foundation's perspective? As your idea thread currently reads, this would be fine as a tale of a "Gru-P" Group of Interest Format.
[…]artificial temporal attractor field for use by division P[…]
How does the Foundation find out about this? Is this via emails that they found on a hard-drive at an abandoned -P office? Or dossiers at a warehouse? Why did -P create such a machine in the first place? How did the Foundation piece together the reason why they made this machine?
[…]sabotage the carrier of a rival[…]
Who is the rival? Whose rival is it? Where is this rival from? What do you mean by carrier? How are they sabotaged? What is the rival's relationship/past history with the protagonist? (I'm assuming that the rival mentioned here is the rival of Dr. Sokolov.)
[…]rivel falling into depression and alcohol abuse.[…]
What happened in the experiment that led the rival to do this? Why was the rival being experimented on in the first place?
He burns his research and the schematics and destroys the anchor[…]
What information survives that the Foundation discovers? How will the recovered pieces tell the Foundation what the narrative is/what happened to Dr. Sokolov and the rival?
[…]getting part of him stuck in thread space.
How does the Foundation find this out? What is Dr. Sokolov able to do to interact with the Foundation's timeline?
It ends with the interviewer attempting to recruit Sokolov to help the foundation develop such an anchor, Sokolov refuses.
Your thread up to now reads as Dr. Sokolov is already trapped in a type of temporal loop when the anchor et all are discovered by the Foundation. How is the Dr. able to communicate with the Foundation and how is the Foundation able to offer to recruit him at all?
Overall, I really like this piece and the premise is intriguing.
Thread: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-14118083/temporal-scp-seeking-greenlight#post-5006254
Additional/Response: Hey again!
How does Sokolov effect the timeline? Why do the higher ups not like Oblonsky? What specifically does Oblonsky say that gets him fired for disloyalty?
Tell me in two sentences the narrative of your story.
[…]they turn it into an explosive,
They turn what into an explosive? The detergent tablets? The washing machine?
[…]unexplainable incineration of the laundry[…]
How badly incinerated is the launder?
Central Narrative:
At the moment there doesn't seem to be a lot to the narrative. The Foundation are conveniently tipped that dado is selling detergent at a local launder.
- Why is the room empty when the MTF investigate?
- What happened to the people?
- How did the launder obtain the pods?
- What turns into an explosive?
- How dangerous is the explosive?
- Is the Foundation able to interview the owner, or an effected customer of the launder?
- Why is an MTF sent to investigate?
I find exploding tide pods1 to be hilarious, and dado has a track record of doing silly things like this, however, this feels too formulaic. As a reader I crave something more. I expect something more supstantial than just 'exploding tide pods by dado'.
What narrative do you want to tell with this piece? What narrative do you feel you need to tell with this piece?
Overall I like that you are riffing off of the 'tide pod' meme, but I don't think you're taking this far enough narratively speaking.
Thread: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-14120853/normal-tide-pods-by-dado-seeking-greenlights#post-5006899
Additional Response: Hey again! Thanks for answering my questions! I have a short response:
I know it feels pretty formulaic, but sometimes you really run out of ideas.
Nothing under the sun is new. What's important is that you as the writer, are writing from your own experiences and point of view. I'm working on an SCP where the theatre is alive and consumes people. I'm certain something like that already exists on the wiki. The important bit, and what makes it stand out, is I'm writing about my experiences with identity and memory loss; especially my fear of identity and memory loss.
Also: Tell me in two sentences the narrative of your story.
A forest that once cars are inside the road under them shifts to a different part of the forest, resulting in a crash.
What kind of road? Is this a dirt road, back path? Is it a defunct part of a Route? How many crashes? How long has this been going on? How did the Foundation find out about this?
The forest is littered with its past victims.
How far into the forest is this? Again, how many people/crashes? When does this first start to occur? When does the Foundation find out/when does this take place?
inscribed into a tree is a story of a cult that despised technology and used black magic to give the forest its anomalous property’s
Tell me about a cult! When were they established? What god/gods/deities do they worship/work with? When you say technology, specifically what technology? I assume you mean like computers and modern day technology, but technology can also apply to as far back as the oldowan multitool. "Black magic" ok, but which types/sub-sects of magic? What do they use in their ceremonies? What are anomalies do the trees express other than, "road changes"?
Overall, there isn't anything here for me to consider if I like it or not, and also to be able to help you flesh out your idea. Take your time to think about my questions.
Thread: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-14121177/seeking-greenlight-mechanical-graveyard#post-5007273
Containment is extremely tedious and difficult, but the object is eventually contained through backwards thinking and methods, as well as the object strangely and momentarily ceasing anomalous activity after a couple hours.
What are the containment procedures for the donut? What is the bare minimum that the Foundation is able to do to contain it? What anomlous activity does the Foundation first experience with the donut? How long after them containing it does it stop showing activity? What are the backwards thinking (reverse engineering) and methods that the Foundation does to the donut?
Multiple test logs will be featured in the article, results slowly transitioning from strange and comedic into creepy and, for the lack of a better word, sadistic,[…]
What are the test logs? What tests are you planning on the Foundation performing? What strange and comedic effects does the donut cause? What sadistic effects does the donut cause?
[…]to eat the SCP, in which something unexpected happens.
What happens though? What happens when the D-Class eats the donut?
One of my concerns is that there'll be another SCP that is very similar to this one, and that I accidentally stole from another author.
Your scip vaguely reminds me of the pizza box one in series 1, and vaguely of a coffee joke scip. But this very much doesn't mean that you can't do something similar. Nothing under the sun is new, and what's important is how you bring your own experiences, feelings, and life into the piece. Because no one has the life that you've lived. You are a unique person.
Overall, I see a lot of potential in this. But it needs to be tidied up and the narrative strengthened.
Note:
(EX: Cutting onions and somehow accidentally cutting the knife)
I don't know why I find this to be as funny as I do, but I can't stop giggling.
Thread: https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-14127301/aloysius-donut-seeking-greenlights#post-5008632
The SCP is a man who generates "character" entities based on his dreams.
This is an interesting premise.
The SCP is an author who lived alone. He used his anomaly to help his writing by recording interviews with his characters.
I identify with this quite a bit. This is vaguely in the pocket of the concept of a thoughtform (both on-site 'canon' and the literal definition of a thoughtform).
The friend had died a long time ago, but the author's dream temporarily brought him back to life as another "character". Seeing his friend again, the author was desperate to keep him for as long as possible. Knowing that he would disappear when he went to sleep again, the author started to drink a lot of coffee to stay awake.
I almost started crying reading this. This is a very good premise. How would you show this narrative? It would have to be through the Foundation's eyes. So I reckon, either through interview logs with the writer or the writer's journals/interview logs with the friend.
Gradually, he recovered, writing with more enthusiasm than before. A few months later, the Foundation found him and brought him into containment.
What if he doesn't recover? What if this is part of how the Foundation finds out about his abilities? Could it be that the local small town is aware of his abilities but in like a local urban legend way?
I personally haven't seen many SCPs relating to dreams, but the main focus is going to be on the man's relationship and history with his friend, which I think would be interesting to explore.
There are quite a few dream scips, but what's important for your piece is very, very, very much the writer's relationship and history with his friend.
The overall narrative can be dialed in more, especially because it's meant to be from the Foundation's perspective, but other than that I really, really dig this idea.
Thread: https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-14126947/a-lonely-author#post-5008635
22:50:35 fairydoctor: anyone here need a crit?
22:50:44 fairydoctor: or greenlight?
22:50:47 fairydoctor: or both?
22:52:07 DrTrishaVice: just trying to figure out how to describe my SCP's Anomoly
22:53:20 fairydoctor: whats the scoop so far DrTrishaVice
22:54:05 DrTrishaVice: "The anomoly that it possesses is a drug like feeling when it smiles, causes a a sudden of seratonin when anyone is in a 3.048 meter radius of the entity; the seratonin " it's a Humanoid Researcher I had in my head for a while
22:54:19 DrTrishaVice: so trying to work on how her Anomoly works is tricky
22:55:01 fairydoctor: so she smiles and her smile is contagious?
22:55:21 DrTrishaVice: basically, anyone in 10 foot radius of her when she smiles and they can see it feels a high of seratonin
22:56:03 DrTrishaVice: but if she is away from them or they had to leave her, the ones that were affected have major withdrawls depending on how long they were around her when she smiles
22:57:37 DrTrishaVice: also noticed the error in the sentence
22:58:07 DrTrishaVice: "The anomoly that it possesses is a drug like feeling when it smiles, causes a sudden surge of seratonin when anyone is in a 3.048 meter radius of the entity; the seratonin " much better, added "sudden surge"
22:58:32 DrTrishaVice: …it should be causing not causes
23:00:41 fairydoctor: DrTrishaVice: 'drug like' isnt clinical tone, and why is 3.048 meters so specific?
23:01:11 DrTrishaVice: I would of done 10 foot
23:01:31 fairydoctor: 3 meters is probably fine. theres no need to be that exact
23:01:32 DrTrishaVice: and i have no clue what to replace "drug like with"
23:02:37 fairydoctor: The effects of the anomaly causes a surge of serotonin in subjects within a 3 meter radius of Researcher [Name] <- DrTrishaVice how does this sound?
23:03:07 DrTrishaVice: that sounds better than what I could do to be honest.
23:04:40 fairydoctor: DrTrishaVice: so at the core the anomaly is that your Researcher has an infectious smile. and when people leave the radius of 3 meters, they essentially suffer from a mild case of depression fro a few hours
23:04:58 DrTrishaVice: yep
23:05:59 fairydoctor: DrTrishaVice: what is the narrative that youre planning around this anomaly? how does the Researcher discover her anomaly? how does she feel about it? is it only when she smiles? does she ever get depressed? <- DrTrishaVice
23:06:07 fairydoctor: please disregard second ping
23:06:16 fairydoctor: i am tired and have been going cross country
23:07:32 DrTrishaVice: She is just a story I thought of originally while having fun doing an scp rp with friends and wanted to flesh her out as a real SCP, The Narrative is to follow her through her everyday as an SCP and learn about her more
23:08:29 DrTrishaVice: She discovered her anomoly when she worked at a research lab from her previous job, she didn't understand why she had it nor how long she had it.
23:08:42 DrTrishaVice: She thinks she had it from a young age but those memories are foggy to her
23:09:21 fairydoctor: could her ability cause mild memory loss for her?
23:09:26 DrTrishaVice: How she feels about one is well: confused, excited, shocked
23:10:14 DrTrishaVice: maybe? she only remembered she smiled a lot as a little girl and everyone always wanted to be around her, her not understanding why
23:11:27 fairydoctor: damn, i had a thought about the whole sexist society thing of forcing women to smile more. could her ability stem somewhat from that? idk
23:12:28 DrTrishaVice: not really
23:12:42 DrTrishaVice: she's just a very smiley girl and loves the unknown
23:14:06 DrTrishaVice: I have no idea if this sounds good. "Depending on how long the subject was around the anomoly, the higher the dose of seratonin they experience. When away from the anomoly, subjects have suffered from mild to sometimes major depression depending on how long they've been around it."
23:14:56 DrTrishaVice: I know Major should be replaced with severe
23:16:29 fairydoctor: "Depending on how much time has elapsed within the radius of effect is directly proportional to how severe symptoms of depression are experienced by subjects." <- DrTrishaVice maybe?
23:19:24 fairydoctor: "Symptoms of depression experienced by subjects is directly proportional to the time spent within the radius of the anomaly's effect." <- DrTrishaVice how does this sound?
23:19:48 fairydoctor: you could then show a time table or a bullted list to illustrate this?
23:21:29 DrTrishaVice: hmmm trying to see actual science of smiling and serotonin
23:23:00 DrTrishaVice: there is this: "Mirror Neurons: Helping others is often a highly social activity, which creates a beautiful cycle of smiling. When you smile the whole world smiles with you because you are triggering their mirror neurons. Both the giver and the receiver can directly impact the other's brain in a positive way."
23:24:18 DrTrishaVice: and then there is ties to this: "The Happiness Trifecta: Helping others triggers a release of oxytocin, which has the effect of boosting your mood and counteracts the effects of cortisol (the dreaded stress hormone). Interestingly, the higher your levels of oxytocin, the more you want to help others. When oxytocin is boosted, so are serotonin and
23:24:18 DrTrishaVice: dopamine!"
23:25:38 fairydoctor: DrTrishaVice: possibly have a double blind test? have the Foundation ask her to sit in a closed room by herself and to sit and smile. and a D-Class is in a room adj (within 3 meters). and the researcher's asked to observe the two are outside of the 3m radius, but arent told that her effect causes a drastic spike in serotonin levels and all that
23:26:50 fairydoctor: so basically none of them know whats going on, and the data is collected and analysed by other researchers who do know what the effects are?
23:27:28 DrTrishaVice: so how would I go about writing the report?
23:30:50 fairydoctor: actually, DrTrishaVice what do you mean by going about writing the report? they could have them interview the researcher, the d class, and even the foundation researchers. they could have them connected to… MRIs? EKGs? some sort of machine that they can hook the researcher and d class's brains too
23:31:12 fairydoctor: …EKG is heart i think
23:31:26 fairydoctor is not an actual doctor. but is actual magician and fairy
23:34:21 DrTrishaVice: Would her singing a happy song while smiling probably boost that serotonin even more so?
23:34:54 DrTrishaVice: like Smile from MLP
23:35:51 fairydoctor: its whatever you want, but it sounds like a solid thought
23:36:49 DrTrishaVice: Do I add the Test to the uh Addendum part?
23:38:17 fairydoctor: thats a good question! it could go into the main article tbh, but depending on that flow of the narrative it could also be an addendum
23:39:17 DrTrishaVice: what about in the Addendum we learn that when they first learned about her is when she's working?
23:39:59 DrTrishaVice: She's always working and sometimes her coworkers argued over who got to work with her
23:40:13 DrTrishaVice: which honestly she saw it as normal?
23:41:41 fairydoctor: that might be too normal. try to think of something a little more out of the box. like something to do with her psych or therapist, maybe shes on anti depression medication and it messes with her anomlous nature (or helps it?) idk, something a little weirder and more solid that would draw the Foundation's attention?
23:42:04 fairydoctor: posts on social media perhaps?
23:42:15 fairydoctor: private emails and texts between collegues?
23:43:26 DrTrishaVice: hmm maybe when she was out with family or friends in public? Her just smiling causes strangers to want to interact with her?
23:43:44 DrTrishaVice: which to her is normal but to everyone else is weird?creepy?odd?
23:43:53 DrTrishaVice: normally doesn't happen?
23:46:17 fairydoctor: ooooh, like a massive crowd draws around her, and people take out their phones and record her for no reason?
23:46:34 fairydoctor: like "look at this lady's smile! isnt it charming!"
23:46:39 fairydoctor: and they all wanna take selfies
23:47:04 DrTrishaVice: yea!
23:48:42 DrTrishaVice: Now to write it out on how they found out about her in a way that sounds enticing to the reader but also in a professional way
23:49:04 fairydoctor: DrTrishaVice: im gonna wind down with crits for the night, but if you want to talk more send me a PM via the wiki or a .tell on the IRC (my wiki name is the same as it is on IRC)
[…]specifically the tape inside of a VHS[…]
Specifically the tape? So could some of the tape be spliced from the VHS/cassette and spliced into another 'shell'?
[…]DVDs being smashed with no know cause in a Blockbuster Video Store.
How did the Foundation find out about this though? You allude to it, but what are the specifics? Re: Blockbuster, what era are you placing this in? I don't recall Blockbuster being any sort of a thing past 2011.
[…]VHS tape that winds and rewinds itself with no known cause[…]
How did the Foundation discover this? Currently, it's implied that the tape was found doing this.
(complaining that it is just the same movie every time and mentioning the outdated format of VHS)
It would be the same movie every time, unless part of its anomalous ability is the be different each time. Also, as for outdated format, other than in jest why would the researchers really bring this up?
[…]VHS to make a new outer shell to protect itself.
This is very gruesome! The tape itself acts like its a snail/slug, and as a snail, requires a shell.
[…]viewing parties with D-class personnel[…]
What are the contents of the movie?
Overall, I really like this cursed media, and I like the personality you've described so far for it. Although, I would like to see more of a narrative. At the moment there is a suggestion of one but you can push it further.
Thread: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-14129779/an-obsolete-format#post-5010924
This is giving me grey goo vibes. Also, the anomaly is notable but what narrative are you considering with this? At the moment the Foundation nuking it feels both: overkill, and Destroy, Destroy, Destroy which is antithetical to the Foundation motto.
What happened to the family? Where did the baked beans come from? How did the Foundation find out about the family/beans? What happens when someone eats to beans? Or tries to eat the beans? What about unbaked beans that are in the same house? Do the beans bake themselves? You say they are semi-intelligent, what do you mean by this? What do they do? What are they capable of doing? Are they able to communicate?
I really like that you're planning on doing a GoI format! The last I read about Corbenic was in early 2017, so I might need a quick synopsis. Regardless, where can I find example templates of the format?
Moving on,
Not all the faeries escaped to the forest outside of normative space during the battle of the Factory in 1911.
Is this a reference to SCP-4000?
[…]appearance of Earth L1 in the sky[…]
What is Earth L1?
Overall, I like concept but I would like to know more about Three Moons from your perspective before I can help more.
Thread: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-14128843/wielka-altana#post-5012785
The simple plot follows a Level 3 researcher as he is called from his current testing grounds to another,[…]
What is this researcher testing? Who is this researcher?
[…]and finds that a fellow researcher is currently testing out the fully repaired Absolute Exclusion Harness, SCP-5000,
How are they testing? Who are they testing it on? What are the two researchers talking about? How is the test structured? What is his relationship with his fellow researcher?
[…]who starts to share his dismay at the state of the area.
Why is he dismayed? What happens during the tests? What happens when they present it to the Site Director? What does the area look like? What area are you talking about in specifics?
Overall, you have the start of something!
Thread: https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-14120211/seeking-greenlight-unbelievable#post-5013561
Central Narrative:
This seems to be standard thing that makes those around it go crazy. What more is there to it? Where is the owner from? Where did he find the calculator? How did the operator die?
What output does the calculator show for a division by 0? How does that show up on the feed? Does it cause any psychological or physical harm to the viewer?
The experiments and interview logs will give detail into the creature and the "prophet" would be exposed heavily to the entity due to communicate and understand its intentions.
What are those details? What experiments are there? Who is being interviewed? What does 'prophet' mean in this context?
Overall, I like the concept of an anomalous eldritch calculator being able to divide by zero, but there isn't a lot of narrative and sustenance to your piece as it is.
Thread: https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-14131488/an-accommodating-calculator#post-5013632
Additional:
[…]communicate with any worthless sentient being capable[…]
What do you mean by worthless?
[…]through its psychic capabilities that[…]
I might have missed something, the anomaly also has psychic capabilities? It has the power to read the minds of sapient creatures around it?
[…]this answer is beyond describability[…]
My suggestion is to try your best as an author to describe it. Consider how the anomaly would feel to an observer and what synonyms exist that could fit the description better. Consider how the anomaly would smell, taste, feel, etc… I know you're just describing what dividing something by zero would be (which is visual), but that's kind of the point. Dividing by zero breaks physics, so break away from standard descriptions.
In a way your proposed SCP reminds me of another SCP about a mentally simulated universe. This is only in passing though, and I suggest this SCP as a good read regardless.
Mind you, me bringing up another SCP that did something similar does not by all means mean you can't write your SCP. Nothing under the sun is new, and you are a different person with different experiences writing your piece.
A subject's head exploded during exposure and the other survived with little to none effects.
I think I missed something, because I didn't see this before. This is incredibly powerful imagery and I love it!
[…]of numbers 1 to 10 (more numbers can be shown with authorisation) divided by 0.
Oh I really like this! I can see this being done in a table!
Tell me in two sentences the narrative of your story.
Additional 1:
[…]used to communicate with the entity and the two incidents which occurred during tests.
What questions are asked? What are the two incidents that happen?
The "prophet" plays the bulk of this narrative with his interview logs (until eventually he slips up).
What role does the prophet play? What happens in his interview log? What do you mean by he slips up?
[…]you look at a picture of the galaxy and just realize you are all but a dust particle compared to it all (you get it?).
I sure do! "[…]we float like a mote of dust in the morning sky." The sense of dread, the feeling of being very very small, the Overview Effect, the awe, the wonder, the exotic tones of the alienness of the universe, and on a personal note, when I look up at the nightsky I get vertigo and the sensation that I'm "falling up". I get the sensation that gravity reversed itself.
Describing these types of things is hard to chew on, but I feel its important to describe some of it, even if you're describing the absence of something, or describing the space around it, etc.
Gonna pull from some of Mooagain's crit:
10:08 <Mooagain> I just think the focus of the story should be more on the character behind the calculator, not the calculator itself
I feel that this comment also falls under me encouraging you to try to describe the indescribable. The cognitive effects of the x/0 output can be related in the characterisation of your anomaly itself and vice versa.
A small suggestion for the ending, maybe end with another of its species showing up and putting it in its place? That could be a nice punchline if you go that route.
I really like Mooagain's suggestion.
This amnestic alters the victims perception, making them believe that they are a Victorian child that must embrace the SCP.
Amnestic isn't quite the right word for this, possibly mnestic, but definitely a hallucinatory drug. Is the drug/agent airborne as well?
If the SCP is left uncleaned for too long, a secondary stronger amnestic is created.
If the goo is what causes the effect, then how does someone hold the object? What kind of gloves do they have to wear? Do they have to use a drone or tongs to pick up the object? Does having someone attached to the object effect the production of goo? Does it reverse it?
[…]abnormal disappearances[…]
Is this related to the object? How does the goo/effect make all of those children disappear?
[…]the horrors of this SCP if left unchecked.
What are the horrors of the object if left unchecked? What does it do to the Foundation? What does it do to the investigators?
[…]or a gas mask filter is faulty, then disaster could occur. The invisible nature of the amnestic gas is like a silent killer,[…]
Oh so it does emit a gas, it is airborne. Ok so how does the Foundation know this? How did they contain an object that is also an airborne abnormality?
[…]which could slowly be affecting everyone it is around.
What is the radius on the airborne spread? Is the gas able to replicate itself outside of the object? What are the symptoms of someone suffering from the airborne effects?
Overall a decent concept but the narrative feels like a skeleton right now.
Thread: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-14131170/seeking-greenlights-copy-cat#post-5014310
Additional:
[…]the children were just exploring the ruins and ended up in the enclosed space in which the SCP had been for an undeterminable amount of time,[…]
The ruins of what? Were the parents interviewed after the incidents? Were there any observers to the children sneaking out?
[…]perhaps unable to remember how they got there[…]
If the children are stuck because they no longer know where to go; does that mean that when the Foundation finds the object they would also find the children? Also the gas could be amnestic based then?
[…]goo is slightly corrosive, not enough to melt through steel in a matter of minutes, but enough to overtime destroy its containment box. And of course the longer its left unchecked, the more goo it produces, and the more goo produced, well the more corrosion to its containment.
This feels like you're juggling a number of anomalous elements. The corrosive aside reads like a plot device.
Its unknown what happens to the gas, its just observed that it appears to be recycled[…]
If it's observed to be recycled then it's known that it's recycled.
AHG-B has long term damage including loss of hearing, anterograde amnesia, and in some cases, permanent hallucinations.
OK yea this sounds like an amnestic. Please disregard my previous crit stating it seemed more mnestic. Does the gas act more like a drug or infection for those exposed to it?
The actual narrative should focus on the engravings, and what the Foundation thinks it might mean.
What's on the engravings? Is it going to be the myth of Prometheus? What does the Foundation think the engravings mean? Is anything else found at the site? How does the Foundation experiment on the object? What experiments do they do? Who are the head researchers tasked with this object? What do they as individuals think and feel about it? Is there an actual Prometheus attached to the object?
"This is our first gift."
What are the other gifts given? Are the other gifts mentioned in the engravings?
Overall, I really dig this concept and I would love to know more about it!
Thread: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-14133556/our-first-gift-seeking-critique-greenlight#post-5015814
<TimeElapsed> An ED-K Lethe Event is characterized by the following parameters:
<TimeElapsed> Knowledge of a concept, object, or entity will be expunged through anomalous means from the memory of the affected humans.
<TimeElapsed> Any memories of interactions with things forgotten will still exist, but will have no context in the affected person's frame of reference.
<TimeElapsed> Loss of memory of a concept is long-lasting7 and self-sustaining; if an affected person is reminded of a concept forgotten, they will forget again as soon as the topic changes, and will undergo the same reintroduction every time they are exposed to the concept.
<TimeElapsed> I think these are enough for understanding
<fairydoctor> yea i get it now thanks :D
<fairydoctor> ¨Within minutes, their brain would become a whiteboard.¨ <- im getting super heavy ´snow crash´ and ´neuromancer´ vibes
<fairydoctor> ¨[…]Maxwellism had its scheme as the number of believers[…]¨ what do you mean?
<TimeElapsed> fairydoctor given the fact that so many people dive in the basic layer, the Foundation became alerted
<fairydoctor> so they thought that the maxwellists were doing something suspicious
<TimeElapsed> yep
<TimeElapsed> so Foundation researchers want to find it out, and they go inside, too
<fairydoctor> what are the researchers motivations for hacking in? couldnt they have used D Class or underling researchers?
<TimeElapsed> I thought of the possibility that D-class became the explorer but, I still think the hacking process is pretty technical
<fairydoctor> im not sure how amped up the Foundation would be about having an important asset to the Foundation do something like this, unless thereś a really good reason or if underling/junior researchers
- Feuerseele (PI.902.951.jo6.soc-PCS|eleesreueF#PI.902.951.jo6.soc-PCS|eleesreueF) has joined
<TimeElapsed> also D-class didn't do ARTMET, so their memories are too impaired to form complete thoughts
<TimeElapsed> junior researchers are applicable, I reckon
<fairydoctor> ¨paralyze themselves¨ i might have missed context to this. but how are they paralysing themselves?
<TimeElapsed> it's like the feeling of taking drugs
<TimeElapsed> some drugs can paralyze certain functions of your brain
<TimeElapsed> the "feeling" does the same
<fairydoctor> what aspects are paralysed?
<TimeElapsed> maybe vision, hearing, etc.
- Mars has quit (Connection closed for inactivity)
<TimeElapsed> My point is, the brain computer can alter the perception (for users to immerse in virtual world), so the special "headache" will change to something else
Thread: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-14133436/ed-k-combined-with-maxwellism
The conprocs read as a little bland. They are straightforward yes, but I feel you can push the concept a little further.
[…]they will experience the transformation of the skin of their back into dollar bills,[…]
This doesn't read as clinical tone. I suggest;
When a viewer purchases an advertised item, the subject will experience standard 1 USD paper bills growing from the back of their neck. The total amount of money grown will be equal to the amount of money spent on the item purchased by the subject.
Examples include: a pile of feces, a blade of grass, a damaged disk of the film Super Mario Bros., a grain of sand, and three shards of glass.
I feel this piece is LolFoundation material. What other typical commercially available items are there that could be used as examples instead? Could you elaborate on the specifics of how each item is subpar? (For example: You put, "a damaged disk of the film Super Mario Bros." this is the tone and example I suggest to list/lean into.)
Transcript of Interview XXXX-A-1
The formatting of this is awkward. This may be my personal opinion though.
[…]first and only individual on record to have been affected by SCP-XXXX.
Very interesting. I suggest you reflect this in your conprocs.
Anthony Schwartz: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Are you… are you telling me… (laughter) are you telling me you called that number on TV just so you could talk to that woman?
This is very unprofessional for a Foundation employee. Also the interview log on the whole didn't go anywhere narratively. What is the narrative that you are aiming for in the interview log?
In regards to conprocs, how would the Foundation have that example list if the only example is Read calling to talk to the lady? Is the lady one of the "call now to talk to hot singles in your area" type of advertisements?
Overall, I'm not feeling this piece. Currently, it is "weird thing what do weird thing". What story are you trying to tell with this?
Thread: https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-14116252/scp-love-it-or-you-re-money-back#post-5006880
[…]two-meter tall[…]
Is this needed? Is this important for the narrative?
[…]patrolled by security elements,[…]
'Security elements' do you mean 'security personnel'?
[…]two miles outside the outskirts of SCP-XXXX.
I suggest just 'three kilometers outside of SCP-XXXX'.
[…]two security personnel at all time.
'times'
SCP-XXXX is a midwestern American town known as Portsden located in the state of Ohio.
I suggest: 'SCP-XXXX is Portsden, Ohio.' Note: I feel you can also 'SCP-XXXX is Portsden, Ohio in the American Midwest.' But I might be biased. The first iteration is really all you need to be honest.
[…]closely resemble baseline homo sapiens.
'Homo sapiens' (be sure to italicise it too)
SCP-XXXX is subjected to what will henceforth be referred to as a 'cycle'.
I suggest 'SCP-XXXX is subjected to cyclical anomalous events.'
[…]usually revolving around SCP-XXXX-1 through 5.
You haven't told the reader yet what SCP-XXXX-1 to -5 are.
[…]SCP-XXXX-2 being late for a PTA meeting.
That bitch Helen has once again sabotaged Karen.
SCP-XXXX-A instances or SCP-XXXX-1 through 5 will be repaired instantly. Any and all supplies, including food, fuel and luxuries, will instantly reappear at the beginning of each cycle.
Why don't you designate SCP-XXX-1 to -5 AS SCP-XXXX-As so you only have to put SCP-XXXX-A?
You also haven't told the reader what SCP-XXXX-A is yet!!
The inhabitants of SCP-XXXX2 can be divided into two categories; secondary and primary entities.
You need to tell the reader this information sooner, and also not as a footnote.
[…]their close resemblance towards Homo Sapiens,[…]
'Homo sapiens'
Most of the personalities of SCP-XXXX-A instances are described as 'cardboard' and 'two-dimensional' by Foundation psychologists.
The clinical tone is lacking. I suggest you describe the specifics of the -A's personalities using psychological jargon. For example: 'Most of the personalities of SCP-XXXX-A instances lack empathy, sympathy, and social skills.'
[…]there are several 'higher functioning' instances that are shown to be more advanced[…]
Higher functioning how? This sentence is lacking in clinical tone. What specifically do the -1-5's DO and ACT that is notable by Foundation researchers?
The primary entities consist of the towns remaining population, specifically the five members of the 'Hayes' family. The Hayes family members are Alfred and Ruby Hayes,4 the mother and father, along with their three children Ellie,5 Ray6 and Sara.7 These instances will henceforth be referred to as SCP-XXXX-1 through 5. Unlike SCP-XXXX-A instances, SCP-XXXX-1 through 5 are shown to require the same nutritional standards as baseline humans. As for 2021, no SCP-XXXX-A instances have been observed to age, neither has SCP-XXXX-1 through 5.
This entire paragraph is structured oddly and is confusing. I suggest paring down the information as much as possible. The footnotes are also distracting. (On a funny note: Is this Schitt's Creek?)
And my daughter has been one for…I don't know how long. She's hot-wired cars, driven cars, fired guns and even stabbed a guy. I…I don't know what's happened but she's…it's like she's growing up and learning skills but…she's still a baby.
This is really cool actually.
**SCP-XXXX-1: I remember finding[…]
Formatting! You missed the second **
Then I woke up in bed like nothing ever happened.
This is rather emotional, and I get that. But I feel like you haven't pushed this enough. It reads like -1 is living in a really fucked up "Groundhog's Day" and as the reader I really need to feel that.
Agent Joseph Clarke: You said it yourself. This place repaired your entire family being killed…I mean…what could we even do?
SCP-XXXX-1: Make them change channel.
This is a very odd and off final interaction. I don't feel the Foundation would be willing to neutralise the anomaly. I get the vibe you are going for with -1's final statement. But I feel that this can be elaborated on and pushed further. I like where it's going.
Overall, I really dig this piece! But the tone and narrative need to be tightened.
Thread: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-14120376/scp-the-status-quo-is-god#post-5008910
Additional:
The conprocs are still clunky. The first sentence can be broken up into two and should be condensed for clarity.
[…]though the checkpoint must be manned by at least two security personnel at all time.
Is the number of security personnel important?
If an SCP-XXXX-A instance attempts to leave, security personnel are to prevent them from doing so.
I suggest: "Security personnel are to prevent SCP-XXXX-A instances from leaving."
Homo Sapiens
"sapiens" isn't capitalised. Like thus -> Homo sapiens
[…]SCP-XXXX-A instances are noticeably lacking in lack the ability to express[…]
I suggest: "[…]SCP-XXXX-A instances noticeably lack the ability to express[…]"
[…]by Foundation psychologists.2
This part and the footnote aren't needed.
Amongst these secondary entities, there are several 'higher functioning' instances that are shown to be more advanced in terms of behaviour.
I suggest: "Amongst the secondary entities, they exhibit higher cognitive functioning. These instances possess advanced social skills, empathy and sympathy."
[…]when required for their role within SCP-XXXX.
Not needed.
I'm wondering if the higher cognitive instances should have their own collective designation to make writing about them streamlined. Such as "SCP-XXXX-B" with the five instances being "SCP-XXXX-B-1, SCP-XXXX-B-2, etc"
Access Interview Log XXXX-1?
Is the "?" needed?
[…]a tornado came through the town/
"/" needs to be a "."
This ending still feels a little off. "Make them change the channel"? I don't know, overall it could be stronger.
Additional 1:
SCP-XXXX is to be surrounded by an electric fence, which must be patrolled by security personnel, two miles outside SCP-XXXX.
This sentence still feels stilted.
The main road leading to SCP-XXXX is not to be blocked, though the checkpoint must be manned by security personnel at all time.
This is worded weird.
[…]found in Document XXXX-C,[…]
My suggestion is to actually write out Document XXXX-C.
Entrance into SCP-XXXX is to only occur with the approval of level 2 research staff or higher.
"Only staff with Level-2 Clearance are permitted entry into SCP-XXXX". Note on capitalisation, you can capitalise "Level-2 Clearance" however you want, I edited based on my preferences.
The conprocs could be a lot stronger and the tone more clinical. I'm trying to formulate ways for you to reconstruct the sentences but honestly it depends on your narrative and you as a writer. I can't help much more other than say to read more SCPs.
Here is a list of a few SCPs that I recommend reading for location based conprocs (but you don't have to!):
4814 - about a pregnant tree forest.
2099 - about a brain in a jar found in a warehouse.
1730 - about a parallel universe SCP site disrupting baseline reality.
6k entry - about parasitic rabbits in a rural house.
[…]social skills. by Foundation psychologists.
Not needed.
Overall, the clinical tone needs to be tightened. I've given a few examples throughout my crit, and I do recommend reading other SCPs and taking notes while reading them. I don't have much more crit to give to your piece, I suggest soliciting for crit in #thecritters of the SCP IRC.
[Extraneous Logs Removed :P ]
01:46:54 Ecronak: Have you started reading it?
01:49:53 fairydoctor: yes
01:50:30 Ecronak: Awesome. What do you think so far?
01:57:39 fairydoctor: this is really engaging so far, and i really like your clinical tone
01:58:28 Ecronak: Cool!
01:58:32 Ecronak: Hope you enjoy it :)
01:59:28 fairydoctor: "All around you, ants both from Antonia’s family and not run from the ensuing chaos[…]" this sentence reads a little clunky, i think it would flow better without 'both', but also 'and not' is also confusing. i assume you mean 'and not from other colonies' or 'habs'?
02:00:10 fairydoctor: "All around you, ants from Antonia’s family and bugs from other habs run from the ensuing chaos[…]" ?
02:00:12 fairydoctor: maybe?
02:01:07 Ecronak: Yep, definitely.
02:01:10 Ecronak: Noted!
02:04:09 fairydoctor: SCP-XXXX-A-3: What do humans want to do with us?
02:04:09 fairydoctor: SCP-XXXX-B: You guys don’t know it yet, but these people wish to put you away- forever and ever. Roll initiative6.
02:04:10 fairydoctor: OH SICK THE FOUNDATION IS THEIR BATTLE SCENE
02:04:57 Ecronak: You should see the ending XD
02:06:16 fairydoctor: "[…]multiple instances of the phrase “Natural 20”." i fucking LOVE when this happens in a game.
02:08:42 Ecronak: They really did get lucky XD
02:08:57 Ecronak: How was the initial introduction?
02:15:16 fairydoctor: ‘Due to its position south of New Jersey and the fact that it is the current working place of Director Bright, Site-19 has been concluded to be “the Grey Lair”.’
02:15:16 fairydoctor: my suggested edit:
02:15:16 fairydoctor: 'Due to its [who?] position south of New Jersey and the current Director of Site-19 being Dr. Jack Bright, Site-19 has been concluded to be “the Grey Lair”.'
02:15:16 fairydoctor: but
02:15:16 fairydoctor: ‘’Due to its,” who is “its”?
02:15:21 fairydoctor: i really like this btw
02:15:39 fairydoctor: i had a suspicion with the second mention of the demon monkey king it would be bright
02:15:54 fairydoctor: and this finished my suspicions
02:15:58 fairydoctor: *ended
02:16:15 Ecronak: Its is Site-19.
02:19:26 fairydoctor: ok my suggestion is this.
02:19:26 fairydoctor: 'Due to Site-19's location south of New Jersey, and Dr. Jack Bright as the current Site Director, Site-19 has been concluded to be “the Grey Lair”.'
02:19:26 fairydoctor: i still feel like its a little clunky though
02:19:38 fairydoctor: i hope this makes sense… aaa its 2am lmao
02:21:44 fairydoctor: I suggest:
02:21:44 fairydoctor: "Containment procedures have been adequately updated, with on-site operations resuming."
02:23:29 Ecronak: Noted on that!
02:25:04 fairydoctor: I really love where this is going, and i cant stop imagining Foundation operatives are cartoonish MIB agents from the anomaly's perspective
02:25:05 fairydoctor: 'Then, as you settled down for the night, you encountered several of the black-clad humans, ready to take you all.'
02:25:35 fairydoctor: the characterisation and flow is good, the GM's tone is perfect for his role
02:26:13 Ecronak: It was based on Critical Role and Matt Mercer, actually.
02:26:56 fairydoctor: i dont know either of these people, but its def very GM haha
02:27:39 Ecronak: Watch Critical Role, it's awesome XD
02:27:42 Ecronak: But yeah, noted!
02:42:50 fairydoctor: '<begin log>' "b" should be capitalised
02:43:47 fairydoctor: and the log itself (not the afterword) was off. was there an actual bee that he reached out to? why is he bleeding from his nose?
02:45:04 fairydoctor: the ending struck a cord with me.
02:45:07 Ecronak: Yeah, was worried about that. Intention was that he was heading back to join the three, but I'm thinking of just cutting that all together and putting the information at the start.
02:45:14 Ecronak: Ooh, how so?
02:48:49 fairydoctor: 1) id put the info of him going back to the 3, in the conprocs, or early description, make a foreshadow. 2) struck a cord, i thought if my -As died in this manner (a DnD session against Bright), i would be really sad too
02:48:59 fairydoctor: *back to the -A
02:49:09 fairydoctor: join the three
02:50:39 Ecronak: Noted!
02:51:03 Ecronak: Did the characters feel alive and interesting?
02:51:09 fairydoctor: i do like the ending, and overall i feel the characterisation was very well done
02:51:12 fairydoctor: yes quite so!!
02:51:33 Ecronak: Awesome! Did the containment breach feel in anyway contrived?
02:53:21 fairydoctor: part of me thinks that the Foundation would think to check the vents for the adventureing bugs, but its also humourous to consider that they keep dodging the Foundation because the -B's narration is to ultimetly get them to Bright. (this is how im reading it though)
02:53:44 fairydoctor: i dont find it contrieved, it fits with the theme for the bugs
02:53:52 fairydoctor: its very sad
02:54:15 fairydoctor: the story was very engaging. i would have someone look over your tone, only because i feel that that is my weak spot for critting.
02:55:33 Ecronak: Awesome to hear that! Where there any points where the characters' traits seem to be interchangeable with one another?
02:58:50 fairydoctor: none that i could see, they were very much the tropes for support/cleric, tank/barbarian, mage/wizard
02:59:51 Ecronak: Awesome. Thank you very much for critting
02:59:52 Ecronak: *!
02:59:54 fairydoctor: :D
02:59:56 Ecronak: Really appreciate it :)
03:00:09 fairydoctor: :)
Thread Sandbox: http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/ekronak
The Foundation Department of Propaganda[…]
Oh very interesting! I like this department.
[…]the individual who came in contact with SCP-6050-1 instances has full knowledge of a soldier's or civilian's name, birthplace, and inclinations,[…]
Is the individual a person who contacts an SCP-6050-1 instance? Or is an individual an SCP-6050-1 instance?
Registry checks indicate that these soldiers are registered as either MIA or KIA.
Is this SCP-6050-1 instances? How was this information gathered?
[…]after briefly grappling with them."
I think the " at the end is a mistake.
[…]wrapping themselves around him[…]
Ahh, I love this!
Many onlookers gaze at the stage show, which then perform several dances such as the can-can and the jitterbug.
Among the horror this is a very sombre lighthearted image.
It is already afternoon, and the once-rising sun has set on Manila.
I like the message conveyed, I'm not sure on the tone though.
I like the footage bit but, is Nachton really recording the whole time? Is he following this one kid around the whole time?
Overall, this is very heartfelt and sad. I like how you managed to make 'Kilroy was here' into an anomaly, make it for the memecon, and to make it sad and heartfelt.
Thread: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-14129085/kilroy-was-here#post-5013648
Proposals for the deliberate destruction of SCP-3931 have been reviewed; The item is not currently under consideration for decommissioning, as the potential long-term consequences of such an action are not fully understood at this time.
My suggestion^
Movement away from the Earth has the same effect; were SCP-3931 to break its orbit and enter interplanetary space, it would grow large enough for its gravity to affect the Solar System within two years,[…]
At the distance determined for lunar orbit, it would become impossible to contain it or conceal its existence, and would constitute a Class-3 Broken Veil scenario, however, its threat to humanity would be effectively neutralized.
If the object exerts gravity around it as it gets larger, wouldn't moving it out to lunar orbit be really bad? As suggested if it's moved out to a lunar orbit it would grow large enough to drastically effect gravity on Earth, especially the tides. Wouldn't the object also get large enough to effect the gravitational pull of the entire solar system?
Addendum 3931.1 - Attempted Recovery
What happens? How big did the object get?
Overall, I like where this is going but I also don't know where this is going.
Thread: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-14126928/short-and-sweet-hopefully
[…]full containment has been deem currently unfeasible[…]
I suggest, "[…]full containment is deemed currently unfeasible[…]"
Containment efforts are currently to be focused on the capture of SCP-XXXX[…]
Currently is pretty much implied unless there is a previous iteration of the conprocs or if these are the next iteration.
Additionally, sue to the involvement of SCP-XXXX carriers with several Groups of Interest and their propensity of hindering (passively or actively) the Foundation's efforts at maintaining the status-quo and in other seditious activity, such individuals are to be considered enemy combatants until proven otherwise and treated as such in accordance to Policy-1254-A.
I suggest:
Additionally, due to the involvement of SCP-XXXX carriers with several Groups of Interest hostile to the Foundation's efforts, such individuals are to be treated as hostile entities in accordance to Policy-1254-A.
SCP-XXXX currently under the employment or protection of Foundation-affiliated organizations or those protected under other clauses are considered under the jurisdiction of the Foundation Diplomatic Service (FDS) unless otherwise specified by O5-Command.
I suggest:
SCP-XXXX currently under the employment or protection of Foundation-affiliated organizations are under the jurisdiction of the Foundation Diplomatic Service (FDS) unless otherwise specified by O5-Command.
SCP-XXXX, colloquially known as Gandalf Syndrome or Reincarnation Sickness,
Reincarnation Sickness. 😂
[…]through currently unknown means, for[…]
This isn't needed.
[…]personality and sense of self to, following the death of said person's body, re-manifest themselves in a different body elsewhere in the world.[…]
I suggest:
[…]personality, and sense of self to manifest elsewhere in the world following the death of said person's body re-manifest themselves in a different body elsewhere in the world.
The exact mechanics of SCP-XXXX induced "reincarnation"- the transfer of a carrier's personality from a dying body into a new one- remain largely unexplored,[…]
I suggest:
The exact mechanics of SCP-XXXX's anomaly remain largely unexplored,[…]
[…]unknown if SCP-XXXX carries have any control[…]
"carriers"
SCP-XXXX carries often exhibit anomalous[…]
"carriers" also if you're using the designation of "SCP-XXXX carriers" I feel you should give them a specific designation such as "SCP-XXXX-1" or "SCP-XXXX-A". "carries" seems to be a common error in your piece.
[…]for example,an ego-driven[…]
"example, an" space needed.
[…]related to SCP-XXXX, see document XXXX-C2.
Capitalise "Document"
Much like the other phenomena associated with SCP-XXXX, the physical nature of said capability is not fully understood.
I'm unsure if reiterations of this sentence are needed. The information is, by now, implied to the reader that the Foundation doesn't have a clue how this sickness works.
The meeting took place at the ████████ tea house in, ███████████, Istanbul.
I'm lukewarm about the redaction, if it's warranted narratively or not.
[…]late 80s man[…]
Wouldn't this get a hyphen too?
[ Sorry folks, not this time. ].
What is this?
Red Doe: [sighs audibly] Fine. I need you to be clear-headed for this, "Saturn".
👀
Overall, this was very engaging and I enjoyed the worldbuilding. I would like to know more about the direction this is going in, however, shenanigans are implied because of the Great Deer Lord.
Draft Link: http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/redirect <- second tab
