Cwazzycwafter Part 2

Item #: SCP-XXXX-J

Object Class: Apollyon

Special Containment Procedures: Instances of SCP-XXXX-J-1 must be broken open in a single strike against a hard surface. Its contents must then be poured onto a pan which has been coated in butter and heated to anywhere above 72 degrees Fahrenheit (room temperature) and below 140 degrees Fahrenheit. Instances must be prepared over-hard and cooked until completely solid but not charred on a stovetop, then plated and seasoned with one teaspoon of salt and two teaspoons of pepper.1

Description: SCP-XXXX-J refers to an anomalous phenomena surrounding a single, self-replicating egg. If prepared correctly according to the containment procedures, a new egg (SCP-XXXX-J-1) will reappear in the last refrigerator to contain an instance at 7:30am CST on the following morning.

If an instance of SCP-XXXX-J-1 is prepared incorrectly, a devastating K-Class Scenario will occur, the variant of which is determined by the manner in which the instance was incorrectly prepared.

Preparation Method Resulting Scenario Scenario Description
Instance's shell does not crack after being tapped against a hard surface. AK-Class Sas-Saw Scenario All humans will be given a speech impediment that causes the sequence of letters S-A-S to be pronounced as either "sas" or "saw," with no consistent usage.
Instance's shell does not crack after being tapped against a hard surface after a second attempt. BK-Class King of Kings Scenario All restaurants or other establishments that serve hamburgers will become a new Burger King location, meaning that no human will ever consume a good burger again.
Contents enter pan and contain shell CK-Class See K Scenario All humans' field of view will be obscured by a large letter K written in comic sans.
Contents fall on a non-pan surface DK-Class Banana Slamma Scenario Apes gain higher intelligence capabilities and swiftly engage in war with humanity, with coconut cream pies as their primary weapons, of which they will have a seemingly-endless supply of.
No attempts to cook the instance are made, or instance is not plated. EK-Class Eggstranormal Eggvent SCP-XXXX-J-1 will duplicate itself. As opposed to simply creating an additional SCP-XXXX-J-1, it creates a new variant of SCP-XXXX-J, which requires a different method of preparation in order to avoid a different set of K-Class scenarios, with the eggception of an EK-Class Eggstranormal Eggvent.
Pan is dry when contents enter FK-Class Censorship of Expletives Scenario The use of the words [EXPLETIVE], [EXPLETIVE], [EXPLETIVE], [EXPLETIVE], [EXPLETIVE], [EXPLETIVE] and [EXPLETIVE] will result in the sound of a record scratch as opposed to the actual word being spoken, and the speaker's mouth will be covered by a 2D black box for the duration of the sound.
Pan is filled with cooking oil when contents enter GK-Class Information Strain Scenario All conversations taking place among any members of the human race will consist solely of the words "gee" and "'kay."
Pan is at room temperature when contents enter HK-Class Frozen Heck Scenario All entities that produce heat become a coolant, and all coolants begin to produce heat, resulting in the rapid death of most species on earth due to hypothermia.
Pan is above 140 degrees Fahrenheit when contents enter IK-Class I Know Already Scenario Jeez, then I guess I won't explain it again. Don't need to be so snippy about it..
Instance is prepared over-easy JK-Class But What If Scenario Every action taken is interpreted by perceivers to be unserious in nature.
Instance is prepared over-medium KK-Class Bubblegum Scenario Every Saturday, all humans will be attacked at some point throughout the day by a Jack Russell Terrier canine with a banjo taped to one of its front paws.
Instance is prepared scrambled LK-Class See All Evil Scenario When an event occurs that a human considers to be morally reprehensible, the human will be forced to stare in the direction of the event's perpetrators until they are dealt with by a law enforcement agency.
Instance is prepared hard-boiled MK-Class Ultra Scenario All humans will become aware of the information contained in classified government documents through a series of internet "deep-dives."
Instance is prepared sunny-side up NK-Class Knucklehead Scenario General human intelligence is significantly inhibited.
Instance is plated while raw OK-Class, who wants to present first? Me! Me! Today, for show and tell, I brought in my stuffed penguin. His name is RJ. I got him because I beat my dad at whack-a-mole at Seaworld. I like him (=
Instance is plated undercooked PK-Class Poker Night Scenario All of humanity will be entered into a massive 7-card stud poker tournament. The biological male and biological female to place highest will be the sole survivors, and all other contestants will spontaneously combust.
Instance is plated overcooked QK-Class Impatience Scenario All humans will be forced to wait in a single single-file queue to obtain 12oz of drinking water, and must repeat the process once the water is received.
Instance is plated burnt RK-Class Reality Restructuring Scenario Reality will remain unchanged with the exception in that the author of this document will become immortal, indestructible, incredibly handsome, will possess the ability to cause and/or create anything at will, and will be followed by hot girls at all times.
Instance is turned to ash SK-Class Dominance Shift Scenario The current layer of reality will change positions with the bottom layer, resulting in the bottom layer becoming the "dominant" layer and the current layer becoming the "submissive" layer.
Instance is dropped before it is plated TKO-Class Gonna Fly Now Scenario Each member of humanity will be beaten until unconscious by an exact duplicate of fictional five-time world heavyweight boxing champion Rocky Balboa, resulting in severe brain damage.
Instance is seasoned with less than one teaspoon of salt UK-Class Imperialist Takeover Scenario All countries and their citizens will become a part of the United Kingdom, either as a primitive colony or as an extension of the primary country of England.
Instance is seasoned with more than one teaspoon of salt VK-Class TM Scenario All global trademarks, copyrights, and patents will be transferred to the Vikander-Kneed Technical Media (VKTM) multimedia corporation, including those that have yet to be created.
Instance is seasoned with less than one teaspoon of pepper WK-Class Work Scenario In order to survive, humanity will form a civilization around the acquisition of “currency” via the performance and completion of daily “work” from their individual “jobs.” This "currency" will be traded for goods and services, including ones that are necessary for survival.
Instance is seasoned with more than one but less than two teaspoons of pepper XK-Class end-of-the-world Scenario For more information, see all of the above. Additionally, see all of the below, as well as SCP articles SCP-001 through SCP-999999999, with the exception of SCP-6875309.
Instance is seasoned with more than two but less than three teaspoons of pepper YK-Class KYScenario One human will jump off a bridge to their inevitable death, starting a chain reaction of friends who would “jump off a bridge if (friend) did it too.”
Instance is seasoned with three or more teaspoons of pepper ZK-Class Worst Conceivable Scenario Possible Scenario Think of the absolute worst possible outcome, then multiply the severity of that outcome by like, a billion. Whatever that event is will occur.
+O5 CLEARANCE REQUIRED+
Footnotes