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HOW TWO GUYS SAVED CHRISTMAS (BY KILLING SANTA)

By DeltaMagnatude


ZOMBOSS MILITARY FRONT

ZMF ANOMALOUS INVESTIGATION DIVISION

[ARCHIVED] ANOMALOUS CASE #523: KRAMPUS'S LAIR

On the morning of January 2nd 2019, two men identified as drug dealers Kent ████ and Sasith ██████ arrived at the Driftwood Shores ZMF Investigation Bureau carrying a humanoid corpse. Both individuals claimed to have killed an "alien pedophile" hiding in the basement of Kent's household.


- CASE 523 INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT

Date: January 3rd 2019

Time: 1:36 PM - 2:05 PM

Interviewer: Lieutenant Rudolph Brook

Interviewee: Kent ████

<BEGIN LOG>

Lt. Rudolph: Afternoon, Mr. Kent.

Kent ████: Afternoon to you too, man.

Lt. Rudolph: We'll begin this interview right away. Before I ask about your encounter with the creature you killed, did your house have a basement prior to you discovering it?

Kent ████: No. I've went through the house plan several times, making sure everything was okie-dokie for me to live in. I also got paid for many renovations for the house since it was one of those run-down old as hell houses that was advertised as the "house of tomorrow". House of Tomorrow, my ass!

Lt. Rudolph: …Well, was the basement listed in the house plan?

Kent ████: Không. I've read it enough times to exactly memorize the layout of the entire house, and I am absolutely sure it wasn't there.


It is January 1st, 2018. Within the cozy confines of a warm house, a sleepy Kent snoozing away on the couch is suddenly awakened at the sound of a fire. Not this shit again, Kent thought. There's sounds under his house again. It always starts with the music of an engine starting, a fire crackling a few days later, then screaming a week after it begins.

For a while, Kent believed the sounds comes from his lack of sleep from all the drug dealing he's doing, but it could be worse, like how he might've sniffed some hallucinatory drug.

But it's always December when the sounds start. Far too coincidental to be true, but Kent has hired construction workers to tear the floorboards up, priests, half-robot magicians and even an exorcist to deal with the problem, but nothing has worked. He plans to move out of the home just to have a good night's sleep for the last month of each year, but that has yet to come to fruition due to procrastination.

He reckons the house was probably an old satanic cult location before the real estate got their hands on it. If so, then they really fucked up their research.


Autopsy of the corpse provided by Kent ████ and Sasith ██████ revealed that the creature, whilst resembling a human at a distance, had several non-human characteristics such as unusually sharp teeth, long and unclean fingernails/toenails, twenty fingers on each hand, fifty toes on each foot, and a large assortment of human-like organs within the body, such as five hearts, fifty livers, three stomachs, and an intestine system measuring 30 meters (98.4252 feet) long.


Lt. Rudolph: What made you find out about the hatch under your couch?

Kent ████: Well, my old friend from my high school, Sasith, was living in my house to sort of lay low for a while after nearly getting arrested by your undercover friends. I forgot to tell him about the sounds in my house, so when he first asked me about it, I screwed up an-

Lt. Rudolph: Mr. Kent, I apologize for interrupting, but that's not exactly related to the question I asked.

Kent ████: Nó có liên quan, dumbass.


"Kent," a voice speaks up. “Have you seen the news?”
Kent suddenly remembers Sasith was taking refuge in his home, after his dash with the law. "What news?" Kent's voice dragged as he struggled to get up. He never really was a person who kept up-to-date with the national news. "Did the zombies take over another place?"

"Uh, yeah they did," Sasith responds while his eyes remained focused on the television. "They took Fort Turnip from the plants, and they've also taken control of the old golf course in the
Gymnocactus Desert."

Unsurprising. A year ago, the plants were on the verge of victory via exploit after exploit, but now the zombies had the complete upper hand, plucking out the weeds one by one. But hey, at least they have better health care and capitalist values than what the original government offered.

Sasith turns to Kent. "Can we talk about the sounds in your basement?"

Kent widens his eyes, as he had not told Sasith about his… 'annually occuring situation' before. "What about it?"

"If you're fucking around at night in the basement, please stop it. I'm tired of hearing you play with your train toy sets downstairs. I know I'm really just a refugee hiding in plain sight from the law, but I hope you do realize I'm also a human being, and you know how annoying hearing the same shit over and over again."

Wanting to explain his problem to Sasith, Kent begins speaking. "…Well, there's one slight problem: I don't have a basement."

Sasith stares at Kent for a few seconds, skeptical at his claims. "What? Oh, fuck off. You're joking, right?"

Kent, not knowing what to say, unintentionally blurts out what will probably make him into a national laughing stock: "Nope, it's ghosts."

"Shut up," hisses Sasith. "Get your fat ass of the couch and let me see what the hell's going on in your basement then if there's ghosts."

"What're you going to do," Kent jokingly snaps back. "Move my couch?"

"Yes."

"Ha, good luck trying to mov-" Before Kent could finish his sentence, the two arguing men are startled by a scream.

Sasith looks at his friend, and his friend stares back. "Are you keeping children in your basement?"

"L-look, it's not what it seems-"

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I've never seen that before."


According to Kent and Sasith during interviews regarding the entity, it originated from a previously non-existent hatch under Kent's couch. The plans for Kent's household further corroborated this claim, as none of the documents ever display nor mention a basement. The construction company responsible for building the house was "Suburbia Architect & Construction Solutions Co.", which went bankrupt after the US government cut funding from the state of Suburbia due to the Incident of 1989.

Suburbia Architect & Construction Solutions Co. merged with the Jewel Junction Architectures in after their bankruptcy, and what would lead into the large ZMF Architecture Division.


Lt. Rudolph: So let me get this straight: You and Sasith got into a rather ridiculous argument about the sounds in your living room floorboards, and that led to Sasith flipping your entire couch over to find a previously non-existent hatch there?

Kent ████: Vâng! Chính xác đó! Apologies, I may be fluent in English but I am still very much used to speaking Vietnamese, but you're correct.

Lt. Rudolph: No need to apologise. Anyways, what did you find in that basement?

[silence.]