Item #: SCP-????-J?
Object class: Keter/Euclid (How is this thing a Keter?)
Threat level: Blue (Seriously, it's just a small rock.)
Special containment procedures: SCP-???? appears to be uncontainable. Really, don't even bother. The moment that SCP-????-J is sealed off, it instantly reappears underfoot. Also, nobody would assume an ordinary rock is anomalous, anyway, so it hardly poses a risk there. It's a rock. Why am I even writing about a rock? This is ridiculous… I don't get why O5 even needs this contained, or why they need an entry written about it? It's a paperweight that goes missing sometimes. I've had that happen with non-anomalous rocks before. Several times. Especially frustrating when I can't find anything decent to weigh my papers down with. Anyway, containment, containment… right. In the event that SCP-????-J goes missing, a small team is to be sent to its location and retrieve it. Hands should be held open when carrying SCP-????-J. Do not put it in a sealed box. Any vehicle used to retrieve it should also have a window open 3 inches at any time. Any personnel that attempted to contain SCP-????-J are to receive… basically a slap on the wrist.
It's. A. Rock.
Description: Forgive me if I've failed to mention this, but SCP-????-J is a rock. Specifically, a schist rock, with two moderately sized garnets embedded into its surface. Kind of look like eyes, actually… huh. It measures about 2.8 by 2.3 by 1.4 centimeters.
Its anomalous properties boil down to this: If you put it in a box, it's no longer in the box. If anyone tells you they did manage to put it in a box, they're lying. The box is just there for morale. So people think we have more control than we really do. Upgrade to Apollyon/Euclid pending, since at least most Keters can be put in a box in the first place, even if they're likely to get out, though it's doubtful due to the higher-ups not being fond of passing out Apollyon designations. Honestly, the whole object class system tends to make some things sound scarier than they really are, just by association with the dangerous ones that like to get out. But I digress.
Anyway… if you put it on a shelf, without a box, with easy access to the outside world? It will just sit there, content with the knowledge that it's free if it wants to be. It has been known to wander on occasion, however. Hence Keter-slash-Euclid.
Based on research collected by myself, Researcher Leopard, as well as that of Researchers Phish and Dial, we've come to the conclusion that the rock may be sentient to some degree, as it can tell who or what tried to trap it, tending to appear right under their feet. Communication with the rock has proven to be extremely difficult. Its only true sense, to our knowledge, seems to be touch. I guess the eyes are just for show. We were able to tap it, then tap another nearby location, and after a while it picked up that we wanted it to move to that spot, which it will do by essentially teleporting. The trickiest part with communication, however, is its inability to effectively communicate back. Again. Rock. Though, then again, in this line of work, I guess that's not really a factor anymore, is it… regardless, it can't talk, it can't move outside of limited teleportation, and the garnets don't magically light up or anything. I'll try to look into any SCPs that may assist with communication.
Due to its indeterminate level of sentience, it's been hypothesized that the rock may suffer from some level of claustrophobia. This may also stem from the fact that its only sense is touch. While it's currently difficult to prove, I theorize that due to having only one sense, that sense has honed to the point where it can sense differences in air currents and pressure, as well as vibrations in any touching material… or lack thereof.
Speaking of the other Researchers in our little collective circle, SCP-????-J seems to have taken a liking to Dial. His office seems to be one of the places it's most likely to stick around. He even frequently holds it, and I swear he even talks to it… he may be one of the better researchers on this backwoods site, but he's also pretty soft. He's about the only guy I know that can fall in love with a rock. Phish, on the other hand… for whatever reason, it does not like her. Which is particularly strange. She's actually one of the nicer people around here, easily including myself. Dial and I have been friends for a while now, even before we joined the Foundation. Why, I don't know. But when we were interested in finding another professor to collaborate with, she was quick to jump on the idea, and she was too sweet to deny. Honestly, I don't see her write many actual reports, but she's great for morale, and seems capable enough. Why, of all things, a rock wouldn't like her, I don't understand.
Speaking of things I don't understand, the rock has also taken a bit of a liking to me, as well, as of late. Clearly, its taste in companionship is lacking. It will sit on my desk, my shelves, sometimes hide in a corner somewhere and wait for me to find it… it will also stay on my papers if I set it on top of them. I guess I got my paperweight after all.
Admittedly, it is kind of pretty… and endearing…
God, I'm turning into Dial.
For the sanity of the newer researchers, I'm locking part of this behind a Level 4 access code requirement.
– LEVEL 4 ACCESS RESTRICTION –
Also, in case you're wondering, I don't normally write this informally, and I definitely don't write jokes. O5 told me to write this as an SCP-J so we didn't have to have one more “real” Keter on official record. Why they wanted me to write it, I don't understand. Then again, they're likely too caught up in their own business to care about me in the slightest. I was tempted to pass this entry off to Dial, but…
I have a message for you all. I'm hoping O5 is too stuck in their own heads to even notice, but… as you all know, at SCP Foundation's sites, we house several dangerous, terrifying, unspeakable abominations, in some cases literally so. I wanted it stated clearly that several of the SCP-Js are very real, and are no laughing matter. O5 thinks that, with all of the abominations we have to keep at bay on a daily basis, that something as simple, as mundane as a rock that we have absolutely no way to lock away would crack or even shatter morale. All of these ridiculous SCPs that may or may not even exist, the ones that just seem too bizarre… the ones we want to be too bizarre to be real, that we need to not be real, because if something that sheerly absurd could exist, what hope do we really have? Well… for a lot of us, O5 is right. But the fact is, some of these entities are real and are as dangerous as they're listed as, if not moreso. I've seen them with my own eyes. I probably wasn't supposed to. I believe any personnel assigned to these skips are given amnestics and told that everything they wrote came from their imagination. They couldn't keep the little rock away from me, which is probably the only reason why I know this SCP-J is real.
So, to reiterate, for any high level personnel out there… the J's are real, and you need to be mentally prepared for the absurdity that could follow. Because to some of them, the real joke is the Foundation.
…I'll write a real report on this little guy soon enough. O5 be damned.
– END ACCESS RESTRICTION –