Annoying Containment Procedures

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX is to be contained in a solid gold sphere exactly 69 decimeters in diameter. The sphere is to be kept in a state of perpetual motion through whatever means is deemed least efficient1. The containment chamber is to be kept in the center of a site located just north of Qaanaaq, Greenland. The site must meet the following requirements at all times:

  • The site must have at least 21 standard class Keter containment chambers
  • The site must have at least 42 standard class Euclid containment chambers
  • The site must have at least 69 standard class Safe containment chambers
  • All containment chambers with the exception to the one housing SCP-XXXX are to be kept empty at all times.
  • The site must be fully staffed with guards typical of the amount required for a site its size
  • All guards positioned outside the Keter class containment chambers are to behave as though they are terrified of what is contained inside
  • All guards positioned outside Euclid class containment chambers are to behave as though they are confused as to the exact nature of what is contained inside
  • All guards positioned outside Safe class containment chambers are to behave as though they are uninterested in what is contained inside
  • The site must be staffed with a number of researchers typical of a site its size
  • Researchers are to continue conducting whatever research they can without actually having any anomalies present
  • Researchers are to conduct no experiments into the exact nature of SCP-XXXX
  • Researchers are to be administered class D amnestics and have any research notes destroyed at the end of the month
  • Researchers are to be informed that they are starting their research from the beginning when research resumes
  • No individuals working at the site are allowed to consume coffee or any caffeine of any kind

Description: SCP-XXXX is a pink, transparent LEGOⓇ stud that cannot be damaged through any known means. SCP-XXXX is believed to be capable of transmitting data instantly with seemingly unlimited range. SCP-XXXX was found on the desk of Site Director Werthimer alongside a written note containing a draft of the above containment procedures and a message stating that SCP-XXXX will transmit all Foundation files and internal messages to several major news stations located throughout North America and Western Europe. No Foundation DNA or handwriting experts have been able to ascertain the identity of the person or persons who wrote the note at this time.

Email to Site Director Werthimer:

This is fucking stupid. I have a PhD in anomalous studies, memetology, and theoretical physics. How dare you waste my time fulfilling these asinine containment procedures to prevent a glorified anomalous object from doing something we have no concrete evidence it can actually do. I left the GOC thinking The Foundation was smarter that those guys, but now I see that this organization is just a bunch of pathetic pushovers who bend to the will of anyone who can cook up an unbreakable LEGO. I am formally requesting SCP-XXXX be demoted to an anomalous object and be moved to low value storage. I am also requesting that I discontinue my work on this project if this one is kept in place.

-Researcher ██████

Reply to Researcher ██████:

We do a great many things working for The Foundation, nearly all of them are tremendously unpleasant. You should be overjoyed that the least you have to do is endure some frustration, something that I assure you even our most "pathetic" researchers can easily handle. Your request for the demotion of SCP-XXXX has been denied. We have determined that the resources used to maintain SCP-XXXX's containment procedures would not be worth the risk posed by discontinuing those containment procedures. However your request to be removed from work on SCP-XXXX has been approved. Your work on SCP-XXXX has been discontinued due to the fact that I am terminating your employment at The Foundation. A Foundation agent will be with you shortly to deliver amnestics and release you into the civilian population.

- Site Director Werthimer

Footnotes