Uh, Need format, be back
http://www.scp-wiki.net/forum/t-12829309/semi-comedic-scp
(2 greenlights)
Title - "Ice Skating… TO THE DEATH!"
Item #: SCP-XXXX
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX is to be plugged into an outlet in a surge-proof containment cell. Any staff with a clearance level of 2 or higher may enter the cell without express permission as long as they are not assigned to any tasks within the next two hours.
See addendum 1.
SCP-XXXX is to be placed in a surge-proof isolated workshop. All entry of personnel below level 4 clearance is at the discretion of Technician Ang.
In the event of a containment breach, an 800 CCA generic-brand car battery is located in the closet as a low-voltage power source. Technician Ang is to remind refugees that SCP-XXXX is not a power source and is hazardous if used as such.
Description: SCP-XXXX is a Toshiba L9300 Ultra HD 4K Television. When powered, it will only display the channel for "Ice Skating… TO THE DEATH!", a warped version of ice skating which takes the form of a combat sport. No other channels are available and the TV itself is missing the ports required to give it access to other channels.
When the show begins, it displays over 45 seconds of perpetual advertisements and introduction flair. The advertisements have a memetic effect of inducing hunger, thirst, and the desire to leave the vicinity of the television out of "striking boredom".
Following the introduction, the rules are announced. They are as follows:
- The arena must be fenced off from the spectators to prevent either the players or spectators harming each other.
- Each team must bring an assistant with a medical background. Injuries, casualties and fatalities are not to be reported or the reporter will be denied access to future events.
- Skaters are expected to use the blades on their feet as weapons - and as such, cannot modify them with the exception of the weight of the blade for the purposes of comfort or anatomical limits.
See addendum 1
As of ██/██/2016, 4 amendments have been made.
- Firearms are prohibited to the players, coach, spectators, insiders, Zamboni driver, medical-malpractioner, deus-ex machinas, protagonists, and plot-enhancers.
- Causing excruciating pain against teammates is prohibited.
- Arsenic based lifeforms are banned.
- Rotisserie chicken shall not be a concession in any games.
The base game used as an example was recorded on ██/██/████. The basic events are listed in the script below.
"The Bladedancers vs. Omnice!"
0:21 The teams each enter the rink, lined up in different formations. The Bladedancers appear to have a charge lined up. The "Bladedancers" appear to have a surgeon as their medical staff, while the "Omnices" has a druid claiming to be from the "Western Bone Tribes of Yan-Gzer'ath".
0:45 The announcer gives a countdown and then allows the teams to clash. The Bladedancer skaters start a charge into the Omnice captain. The Omnice skaters form into a common skating technique used to combat skating-charges. However, the formation is interrupted as a masque is held by Omnice to the 15th century song "Danse Macabre" by Saint Saens.
1:20 The Bladedancers have gathered enough momentum to charge, and charge through the center of the Omnice masque. The Bladedancers have their feet facing outwards in an offensive manuever. The announcer berates the Bladedancers for using such a "common tactic instead of switching it up" [sic].
1:40 The Bladedancers shed first blood, and the injured Omnice player is escorted back to the medic by the Omnice Captain and two skaters. Several Bladedancer skirmishers strike at the Omnice skater-cade, but the strikes are parried away with the sides of the ice-skates.
1:50 The skater-cade delivers the injured player successfully to the team's surgeon. The surgeon begins to stitch the wound. The skater-cade breaks up, and they return to counter the charge.
2:07 The charge is successfully split with the "Diffusion" strategy, and Omnice encircles the Bladedancer formation.
2:35 The Bladedancer captain yells a codeword in an unknown language, and a trap becomes apparent. The Bladedancer skaters break formation into a flank, decimating the Omnice.
2:50 All Omnice are injured or deceased. A victory is declared for the Bladedancers.
Addendum 1:
On ██/██/2010, a containment breach occurred near SCP-XXXX's containment cell. In an effort to incapacitate the pursuing SCP, a guard assigned to SCP-XXXX with Doctor ████████ removed the back panel of the television against protocol. The panel's loose wiring was exposed, which the guard used to power an improvised wiring trap, resulting in the deaths of the guard and the successful re-containment of the pursuing SCP. Despite the resulting power surge, SCP-XXXX was only temporarily disabled. Technician Ang volunteered to repair SCP-XXXX before it was declared neutralized.
Since this incident, SCP-XXXX has displayed odd or malfunctioning properties. Technician Ang has been ordered to record these anomalies.
Subject: Technician Ang
Procedure: The device was powered after 48 hours of standby power.
Results: The normal content continued as usual until the presentation. At the presentation of the players, a humanoid entity in standard soccer equipment appeared on both sides of play, designated the "Soccerer", was given a standard white soccer-ball. The game proceeds as usual, although in variation from previous games the "Soccerer" had the role of kicking the soccer ball towards enemy skaters.
Analysis: This behavior is unusual and appears to be a variation of "Protect the President", with the Soccerer being a high-value target. However, the word "Soccerer" itself seems to be a play on "Sorcerer", despite no thaumaturgical properties manifesting within the Soccerers.
Subject: Technician Ang
Procedure: The device was powered as stated by the instructional manual.
Results: The rink flooded with an unknown liquid, forcing the contestants to switch to the tactics of Greco-Roman naval warfare tactics.
Analysis: A Roman trireme manifested for both teams, although neither of which were accurate to historical triremes, instead appearing as stereotypical in nature and appearance with exaggerated Greco-Roman features.
Subject: Janitor Pidersen
Procedure: The device was accidentally powered during Janitor Pidersen's lunch break with Technician Ang.
Results: Each skater started with abnormally small blades on their ice-skates. Each injury or fatality a skater inflicted increased the size of the blade by 0.5 centimeters in length. The game ended upon a skater reaching a 13-inch blade.
Analysis: The channel appeared to have reacted to Janitor Pidersen's self-proclaimed "Grandmaster Rank" in the popular First-Person-Shooter "Counter Strike: Global Offensive" as a parody on the "Gun Game" gamemode, in which you achieve victory by obtaining weaponry for each elimination made in game. However, Janitor Pidersen has not been shown to be in "Grandmaster Rank", nor has the rank existed in game. Although this is the first time SCP-XXXX has shown capacity to react to audio stimuli, it does not appear to be able to discern lies.
Subject: Agent Davitsky
Procedure: The device was powered as stated by the instructional manual.
Results: Rather than the cameras focusing on the main rink and players, the cameras instead focused on a table in a partition in the audience stands. The game did not track points for the regular combat, and instead displayed the remaining money of the audience members who were gambling. Gamblers spontaneously combusted upon having no remaining money to spend.
Analysis: The game completely deviated from its original combative focus. It is not clear whether this change was a reaction or coincidence in relation to Agent Davitsky losing two USD in a bet made previously that day.
Subject: Technician Ang
Procedure: The device was powered as stated in the instruction manual.
Results: The skating rink usually present in the film was replaced by an urban landscape consisting of only "Starbangs Cafangs", a coffee chain which has found to have never existed. It appears to be a parody of the popular coffee chain "Starbucks". The purpose of these buildings are unknown, as the skaters were not mobile enough to reach neither the buildings nor the enemy team. The match concluded in a tie as the game reached overtime, due to the lack of ice or other materials suitable for ice-skating.
Analysis: The alteration to the gameplay was completely irrelevant and prevented the game from functioning. The device does not seem to possess a desire to hold audience retention, although upon further inspection the changes were potentially linked to a sponsorship deal.
Subject: Technician Ang
Procedure: The device was powered underwater via D-9081 in standard diving gear in a sealed chamber.
Results: The skaters proceeded as normal through their game until 2:24, where it is revealed that all skaters were chosen because of their fear of water. At this point, all skaters now must balance a cup of water on their head while skating, eliminating the skater should the cup be displaced.
Analysis: The device appears capable of irony, and may potentially be of higher intelligence. D-9081 claims to not have hydrophobia.
Subject: Technician Ang
Procedure: The device was powered by Technician Ang while ice-skating in place with standard 8-inch bladed ice-skates and a miniature patch of artificial ice.
Results: Each skater acted as expected, although appeared to act in mockery of Technician Ang, often skating in place and using exaggerated accents. This mockery is present throughout the entire recording, although it is never explicitly mentioned by any entity in the recording.
Analysis: The device appears to exhibit signs of intelligent preference, especially with ice-skating form.
Subject: Technician Ang
Procedure: The device was powered by Technician Ang while ice-skating in a proper ice rink, in addition to having taken ice-skating classes the week prior.
Results: Although the game proceeded as normal, the commentator had a mock British accent and was extremely critical of the skaters' form. The commentator swore excessively.
Analysis: The device appears to be creating a satirical parody of celebrity chef "Gordan Ramsey", and often implied that the criticism was of Technician Ang's form.
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