Special Containment Procedures: As there are currently no known means of containing SCP-5402 and given that it will not demanifest until all issues of SCP-5402-1 have been disseminated, attempts to contain SCP-5402 are not to be made. MTF-Lambda-8("Newsies") are to remain on standby in major population centers every Sunday prepared for immediate transport and response.
Containment procedures of SCP-5402 and SCP-5402-1 are to prioritize first and foremost the confiscation of any and all manifestations of SCP-5402-1. Any recipients of SCP-5402-1 are to be given a psychological evaluation for memetic influences before being applied Class-A amnestics. If the subject is determined to be under memetic influences, treatment is to be dictated at the discretion of a level 3 or higher researcher from the Memetics and Infohazards Division. Erasing the memory of the contents of SCP-5042-1 via amnestic treatment is often but not universally effective. Due to the elusive nature of SCP-5402, MTF are not to attempt to locate it while copies of SCP-5402-1 are left unrecovered.
Once SCP-5402 is encountered, Foundation personnel's first priority is to inquire about the nature of its employment and anomalous properties, as attempts at orchestrating formal interviews have proven impossible. If offered, they are to purchase an instance of SCP-5402-1. No Foundation personnel are to be permitted to read an issue of SCP-5402-1 until it is approved by a level 3 or higher researcher.
Site ██ is to allocate six cents a week to a private account for a subscription to SCP-5402-1. Attempts to capture or interfere with SCP-5402 during these manifestations are not to be made unless authorized by a level 3 or higher researcher.
Description: SCP-5402-1 is a black and white newspaper titled "The Cosmic Courant." It is predominantly written in a Benton Modern font, and the pages are generally 378 mm x 597 mm. The paper and ink used in production possess no anomalous properties. It typically possesses a crossword puzzle on the back page, often with non-existent vocabulary or phrases.
The entries of SCP-5402 pertain to stories and/or events from other dimensions, and regularly presents activity that would be considered anomalous or occult in this reality as normal aspects of life. SCP-5402 similarly uses vocabulary that is nonexistent in our reality, and will sporadically include entries with words, phrases or languages that have varied memetic influences on its readers, primarily invoking an urge to purchase an advertised product or service or on rare occasions evoking physical or mental trauma. The number of realities which SCP-5402 uses entries from is indeterminable, and does often include accurate stories from our own.
SCP-5402-1 is primarily distributed by SCP-5402. SCP-5402 is a seemingly 14 year-old Caucasian male. He dons a newsboy flatcap and dresses in an attire consistent with youth fashion in the early 20th century. SCP-5402 possesses the ability to instantaneously translocate through dimensions and across geographical locations with apparent ease.
In the event of a hostile or violent action towards SCP-5402, it will automatically and instantaneously translocate immediately before it receives physical harm. It will then remanifest in a random populated area and continue selling its remaining issues of SCP-5402-1. This property activates autonomously and does not require awareness on the part of SCP-5402. There are no known means to prevent this.
It is furthermore presumed that SCP-5402 is capable of surviving within all realities and regions detailed within issues of SCP-5402-1. It has demonstrated no regard for extreme altitudes, radical changes in temperature, nor aerosol amnestics and paralytics. Whether or not it is aware of these changes in environment is undetermined, as its behavior does not alter in response.
SCP-5402 will attempt to sell instances of SCP-5402-1 through means most commonly consisting of selling issues in public squares or delivering issues on a paper route traversed via a silver safety bicycle with a model identified as having been manufactured by Magnat-Debon in 1914. In either case, SCP-5402 will attempt to sell instances of SCP-5402-1 for costs ranging from 3 to 6 US cents. In instances where SCP-5402 delivers papers, it appears to collect a requisite subscription cost from any physical or digital accounts of its recipients. As SCP-5402 has never been spotted physically withdrawing the subscription cost, it is presumed that it possesses an additional anomalous ability allowing it to withdraw money remotely.
SCP-5402 appears childishly naive and unaware of its abnormal nature and the irregularity of its behavior, and it has been determined that interdimensional newspaper deliveries are regarded as a legitimate profession in its home reality. SCP-5402 often confuses customs between realities, and may on occasion offer prices in nonexistent currencies or languages. It is unfazed by the appearance or behavior of those around it, automatically assuming these attributes to be customary of the reality it is presently in, even appearing oblivious to hostilities and attempts at containment.
It is unknown how many realities SCP-5402 services, however it and SCP-5402-1 refer to other realities numerically. The highest number referenced in an issue of SCP-5402-1 is 173. It is unknown if these numbers exclusively classify realities SCP-5042 delivers to or if they classify all realities known to SCP-5042. The regularity with which SCP-5042 and SCP-5042-1 describe other realities in this nature indicates this may be a commonly known system in SCP-5042's home reality.
Addendum 5402.1: First contact
06/28/20: SCP-5402 was sighted attempting to sell instances of SCP-5402-1 at the center of Time Square, New York City, NY. Agent Ramirez, already present, succeeded in reporting SCP-5402 to the Foundation and approaching it before any instances of SCP-5402-1 were sold. This is the only successful interview of SCP-5402.
SCP-5402: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Eldritch gods go on strike at Amazon in the thirty-fifth! Extra! Ex—
Agent Ramirez: 'Scuse me kid, can I borrow you for a sec?
SCP-5402: Sorry sir, I'm already running really late, if I don't finish selling these batch of copies and head over to the fourty-second soon, Mr. Noteworthy's gonna tan my hide!
Agent Ramirez: Here, I'll buy a copy, fair trade kid?
SCP-5402: Yes sir, that'll be thirty gildars.
Agent Ramirez: Okay so that's…. wait what?
SCP-5402: Oh, whoops. [SCP-5402 smacks itself on the forehead] Sorry this is the thirteenth, right? That'll be a nickel today sir.
Agent Ramirez: [Agent Ramirez activates emergency beacon] So kiddo, where're you from exactly?
SCP-5402: [Looks at Agent Ramirez] My mama always told me never to tell that to strangers, mister.
Agent Ramirez: I mean… What world do you come from?
SCP-5402: [Shrugs] All the same, mister.
Agent Ramirez: [Sighs] Okay kid, how's this? I'll buy the rest off of you, yeah? Just answer a few questions for me?
SCP-5402: Golly sir, sure! That'll be three dollars and seven cents.
Agent Ramirez: [Hands five dollar bill to SCP-5402] Keep the change kid. Okay, now can I ask you a few questions?
SCP-5402: [Marvelling] Woah, you're the real McCoy mister!
Agent Ramirez: I, uh… thanks? Okay kid, so why exactly are you popping in and out of our world?
SCP-5402: I mean… It's easier than walking I s'pose?
Agent Ramirez: I… [sighs] [muttering] I don't get paid enough for this. Okay, different question, how do you pop in and out of here?
SCP-5402: I mean… I guess I don't really know mister? Like, how do you pick up your arm, ya know?
Agent Ramirez: And who do you do this for? Dropping off the papers?
SCP-5402: [Eyes light up] Ooh why? You wanna subscription, mister? I make my paper route every Sunday, I could put ya down for a—
Agent Ramirez: Yeah, sure, that. Look kid, who're you delivering these for?
SCP-5402: Oh well that's easy, well I—
[Church bell rings at local chapel]
SCP-5402: Applesauce! Three o'clock already? I gotta run, thanks mister!
[Agent Ramirez attempts to apprehend SCP-5402. SCP-5402 dematerializes before he can reach him]
Agent Reynolds: Where is it sir? [Agent Reynolds brandishes Class-A amnestic aerosol canister]
Agent Ramirez: Dammit Reynolds! What the hell took you so long?
[The following Sunday, Agent Ramirez discovered an instance of SCP-5402-1 on the welcome mat before his apartment in Bronx County, NY. Upon opening SCP-5402-1, he was temporarily blinded by the memetic influences of an advertisement for an establishment called "Infernal Pizzeria." It was determined by Foundation researchers that the language in which the advertisement was written poses a Caution-class risk to non-anomalous readers. Agent Ramirez reported having had his vision replaced with the image of a non-human entity during this period. When asked to describe the entity prior to treatment, he stated "You know God? Yeah, the opposite of that." Requests to update SCP-5402 to a Caution-class risk were denied on the basis of the exceptional nature of this particular issue of SCP-5402-1]
Addendum 5402.2:
Notable articles:
- 01/13/2019: An advertisement from a company known as "Antiquetical" advertised an auction for anomalous antiques. The article highlighted a mint condition Atari console of a model identical to SCP-5020.
- 02/17/2019: France erupts into civil war under splinter governments led by Kings Guillaume Emmanuel de Homem-Christo and Thomas Bangaltar, former members of Daft Punk. Dr. Stein: Homem-Christo? Bangaltar? After the things I've seen somehow Daft Punk being French is the most surprising thing I'm learning here.
- 03/10/2019: A humanoid anomaly bearing a notable resemblance to artistic renditions of SCP-096 announces his candidacy for mayor of Salem, New Hampshire. Due to its uncensored headshot, it is presumed that this entity does not possess the visual trigger of SCP-096. Excerpt: "Henry Clifford, chairman of the Ocult Rights Party, announced this Sunday that he is launching a mayoral campaign in his home state of New Hampshire…" "With a beaming smile decorating his elongated jaw, Clifford addressed the crowd. 'Firstly I'd like to thank each and every one of you for joining me today. I have a major announcement for you all: I am officially stepping down as the Chairman of the Ocult Rights Party so that I may run for mayor right here in my hometown!' With Clifford having led the ORP since its inception, pundits across the aisle have speculated what this means for the future of the rising third party.'" "'…the party shall be left in the capable hands of a distinguished veteran and longtime friend, Corporal Lawrence.'" Dr. Stein: It appears this is a pacified and remarkably intelligent instance otherwise identitical to SCP-096. It appears to be totally safe to look at. Well… Either that or somewhere out there we just screwed a universe.
- 06/21/2020: Green winged humanoids with heads resembling the full bodies of octopi are shown picketing outside of an Amazon packaging facility. Headline: "Eldritch Workers Protest Automation."
- 06/28/2020: An advertisement for a company named "Infernal's Pizzaria" temporarily blinds readers in the first recorded Caution-class issue of SCP-5402-1 via the memetic effects of its language.
- 07/05/2020: An advertisement by a company named "Pandation and Co." On top of a background of cartoon pandas, beverages identical to that carried by instances SCP-5840-1 are advertised for 1.99 USD and six packs of the same beverage for 5.59 USD.
- 11/08/2020: An entity called "Cornelius Cornwallis" is announced the winner of the United States Presidential election. The winner in question is a sapient corn on a cob. The runner-up in the election was Cucumbrus Pickleton, a sapient Cucumber. Dr. Stein: ….What in the actual hell? No really, what am I looking at?
Addendum 5402.3:
07/05/2020: Following the incident on 06/28/2020 with Agent Ramirez, Dr. Stein submitted a request for use of force as necessary to contain SCP-5402 and prevent the dissemination of SCP-5402-1.
[REQUEST GRANTED]
07/05/2020: SCP-5402 was surveilled in the Red Square in Moscow, Russia, attempting to sell instances of SCP-5402-1 to passers-by in the area. MTF-Lambda-8 attempted to subdue SCP-5402 via a carfentanil-based tranquilizer. As the round was fired, SCP-5402 instantaneously dematerialized. The tranquilizer cartridge was recovered approximately 13m behind SCP-5402's previous position. Also recovered were 13 undelivered issues of SCP-5402-1 in a pile next to SCP-5402's previous position. Microscopic analysis of the tranquilizer cartridge revealed trace amount of skin cells covering the front 1.4mm of the needle. It was determined that SCP-5402 translocated precisely as the needle made contact with its skin.
[CONTAINMENT FAILURE]
Agent Reynolds: I know for a fact I didn't miss. Hell, that kid could've put an apple on his head and I'd've turned it to mist from that distance with my sidearm. No way he saw me either. I was tucked away too far back. It's like…. he was there, and then he just wasn't.
Dr. Stein: I'm almost certain SCP-5402 was not aware of our attempts at containment, the timing for his translocation was far too perfect to be coincidental. It didn't know. More likely, this was some sort of an autonomous defense mechanism from whatever property enables it to translocate. For now we should assume this will protect him from all forms of physical trauma, it took less than a pinprick to set it off this time. We'll need something that takes effect only after it has already entered his system, something it can't evade just by changing location. Otherwise it will simply finish distributing SCP-5402-1 elsewhere. I would recommend something aerosol-based in the future.
07/12/2020: Reports were received in Hamburg, Germany of SCP-5402 on a paper route. MTF-Lambda-8 temporarily abandoned the recovery of copies of SCP-5402-1 to pursue SCP-5402. Agents deployed aerosol canisters of a translucent paralytic agent into SCP-5402's path. The paralytics failed to take effect. After approximately 43 seconds of exposure, SCP-5402 became aware of MTF-Lambda-8's presence and proceeded to give a passing greeting, demonstrating no signs of awareness of their attempts at containment or any irregularities in their behavior. As MTF agents converged on its position, SCP-5402 dematerialized.
[CONTAINMENT FAILURE]
Agent Ramirez: Damn, what's this kid made of? That paralytic was the same juice we used to take down SCP-████ and he didn't even react.
Dr. Stein: SCP-5402 only continues to get more and more interesting. Apparently the object doesn't rely on the atmosphere in the same manner we do. I suppose this would explain how it services so many realities with conditions presumably totally alien to our own. Does it even really need to breath? We'll have to find a new means to contain it without triggering its translocation.
Addendum 5402.4:
[AUTHENTIFICATION SUCCESSFUL
The following is a redacted editorial from the 07/19/20 issue of SCP-5402-1
Letter from the Editor-in-Chief
Dear readers and esteemed contributors,
Our last issue of The Cosmic Courant no more than a week ago marks the end of my seventh term as the editor-in-chief of this prestigious publication, a title with which I could have felt no greater pride in. Over the course of these many years, we faced trial and tribulation. Be it the emerging quantum radio industries from the forty-third, or even the ever-rising editorial regulations enforced by the Multiversal Communications Commission, we have gone through many a hurdle to reliably provide you, our cherished readers, with news you can trust.
However, few hurdles have posed such a unique threat to our services as the censors in the thirteenth, who so pretentiously call themselves "The Foundation." At every turn, they've confiscated thousands upon thousands of our issues from paying customers, setting us back for several quarters. Such a heartbreaking sight, seeing such a dystopian setting for discourse in one of our longest-reading regions. Unfortunately, many of their most prestigious members such as Dr. B███ have refused comment as to why exactly they are so abhorrent of the newspaper industry. Even our most ardent reporters can't get a straight answer, perhaps it's a result of their obsession with this new "television" fad of theirs.
"News for anywhere, anywhen." Our longstanding motto derived from our very first editor-in-chief, Donovan Disclosure. We at the Courant have gone through wind and rain and fire and brimstone to shine just the smallest light on your everyday lives, and we wouldn't have it any other way. The fight for truth doesn't end at a wall of bureaucracy, so we shall continue making our routine deliveries. It's the least we can do for our many patrons in the thirteenth.
Though your Sunday news may seem a trivial service, we hold it as our highest duty to provide our readers with the truth and shed a light on the world—in our case, worlds plural. And so, as we have for generations, we the Cosmic Courant, the oldest transdimensional weekly in the cosmos, will continue to execute our solemn duty and keep the many masses informed, so that we all may not just have a future, but a brighter one.
Norman Noteworthy
Editor-In-Chief, The Cosmic Courant
SCP-XXXX on the desk of junior researcher Smith
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX is to be kept in the break room of Site-19. It requires no special containment and may be stored along with nonanomalous mugs and kitchenware.
All Site personnel are free to interact with SCP-XXXX as a morale booster. Personnel are free to hold beverages in it as they would a nonanomalous mug. It is not permitted to be removed from Site grounds.
Description: SCP-XXXX is a white porcelain coffee mug. It is right-handed, and holds 11 oz of liquid. There are no evident anomalous properties in its composition or structure.
The face of SCP-XXXX reads "WORLD'S BEST BOSS" in a bold, black Helvetica font. Upon being held, the word "BOSS" is replaced with the most appropriate title of the holder. The title is primarily reflective of employment and rank, however in the absence of employment may use a title consistent with a hobby or talent of the holder.
Upon losing physical contact with SCP-XXXX, its text will revert back to its original state.
Addendum XXXX.1: Initial Testing
Experiment: SCP-XXXX is held by D-4862
Result: The text on SCP XXXX changes to read "WORLD'S BEST D-CLASS"
Experiment: SCP-XXXX is held by junior researcher Smith
Result: The text on SCP XXXX changes to read "WORLD'S BEST RESEARCHER"
Experiment: SCP-XXXX held by Security Cpt. Jones
Result: The text on SCP-XXXX changes to read "WORLD'S BEST CAPTAIN"
Experiment: Junior researcher Smith reclassified as D-Class and reinstated while holding SCP-XXXX
Result: As researcher Smith's file is officially reprocessed to list him as a D-Class, the text on SCP-XXXX changes from "WORLD'S BEST RESEARCHER" to "WORLD'S BEST D-CLASS." As Smith's files are processed again and he is officially reinstated as a junior researcher, the text returns to "WORLD'S BEST RESEARCHER."
Addendum XXXX.2: Cross-testing
Object: SCP-173
Result: SCP-XXXX was placed onto the arm of SCP-173 with assistance. The text on SCP-XXXX changes to read "WORLD'S BEST ANOMALY."
Object: ●●|●●●●●|●●|●
Result: SCP-XXXX was used as a paperweight over written notes pertaining to the object. Observers report that the word "BOSS" turned into a continuously shifting amorphous blob while in contact with object, and failed to produce a name or title.
Object: SCP-105
Result: The text on SCP-XXXX changes to read "WORLD'S BEST ANOMALY"
Object: SCP-1360
Result: The text on SCP-XXXX changes to read "WORLD'S BEST PEREGRINE SERIES HUMANOID UTILITY DRONE." The font of SCP-1360's title notable shrank to accommodate the length of the phrase.
Addendum XXXX.3: Incident Log
07/14/2004: Agent Johnson brews an Irish coffee in SCP-XXXX during the Valentine's Day festivities. The text on SCP-XXXX changes to read "WORLD'S BEST DIVORCEE."
01/01/2005: Dr. Stein, notably hungover, fills SCP-XXXX with black coffee and espresso the morning after the mandatory Site-19 New Years Eve party. The text on the mug changes to read "WORLD'S BEST FATHER." Dr. Stein is noted to be single and without children.
Dr. Stein: I… I have to make a few phone calls.
03/24/2006: Agent Maher among other guards of Site-19 were permitted a half hour lunch break. Upon Agent Maher holding SCP-XXXX, the text on its face changed from "WORLD'S BEST BOSS" to "WORLD'S BEST INSURGENT." All agents in the room saw the text first as Agent Maher had the mug facing away due to his left-handedness. Upon realizing the text, Agent Maher's face notably went pale, and he was immediately set upon by every guard in the break room.
Upon interrogation, it was determined that Agent Maher was an operative of the Chaos Insurgency. He was subsequently terminated.
In the altercation, SCP-XXXX suffered a minor hairline fracture. Foundation staff repaired it without complication.
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX is to be entrusted into the care of level 3 researcher Dr. Cobalt, PhD in American history, for his lead work on Foundation archeological expeditions Zeta-Lambda-7, Achilles-34 and Omega-Rifle-3. No other Foundation personnel may possess SCP-XXXX without the permission of Dr. Cobalt.
Description: SCP-XXXX is a pair of antique bifocals, dated to have been manufactured in the min 18th century, approximate to or before the date of their patent in 1784. Despite its frame being of a nickel and zinc alloy, it possesses an immaculately golden coloration. They possess a black signature reading "Dogood" engraved on the right temple of the frame in a font consistent with the writings of Benjamin Franklin. Exposure to high intensity ultraviolet light reveals shallow engravings on the interior of the lenses reading "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you -Matthew 7:7."
Upon wearing SCP-XXXX, apparitions of predominantly American polymaths and philosophers active during the late colonial period and American Revolution will be made visible to the wearer. The apparitions are sapient and possess intelligence approximate to if not greater than their original figures. They are only audible to the wearer of SCP-XXXX, and will often manipulate disembodied threads to produce visual references to assist communication. They are classified as SCP-XXXX-A, SCP-XXXX-B, SCP-XXXX-C, SCP-XXXX-D, SCP-XXXX-E and SCP-XXXX-F.
- SCP-A appears as Benjamin Franklin. It is the rarest of the apparitions, though behaves as the unofficial leader of the other apparitions, and will often appear when verbally requested by the wearer. It is an adept polymath with a particular aptitude for physics and mechanical engineering, and will often trace schematics for miscellaneous mechanical inventions.
- SCP-B appears as Thomas Paine, and demonstrates an aptitude for architecture, often tracing advanced schematics, as well as a broad knowledge of history and philosophy.
- SCP-C appears as David Rittenhouse, and has demonstrated a high proficiency in astronomy, mathematics and mechanical engineering.
- SCP-D appears as Pierre Beaumarchais. SCP-D carries a pocket watch which it habitually references, and rarely interacts with the wearer of SCP-XXXX.
- SCP-E appears as Benjamin Rush, and has demonstrates an advanced proficiency in medicine and biochemistry.
- SCP-XXXX-F appears as David Bushnell, and is proficient in engineering, physics and pyrotechnics. This apparition demonstrates notably more erratic behavior, demonstrating an obsession with submarines and tendencies consistent with pyromania.
Addendum XXXX.1: Discovery
On January 17, 1963, a sinkhole opened under the foundation of the Charleston Museum during a renovation attempt. The contractors discovered the source of the sinkhole to be a stone cellar located approximately 7 meters below the museum's base, whose ceiling collapsed. Foundation investigators led an archaeological expedition into the cellar, discovering a plethora of miscellaneous objects of North American and European origin dating between the mid 14th and early 19th centuries AD. A cast iron safe was discovered in the center of the cellar, which, when opened, revealed SCP-XXXX in a glass container. A Foundation agent, viewing it from behind, reported seeing a flash of golden light within the lenses. Upon nearing the glasses, the agent fell back startled, claiming to have seen a pair of eyes viewing him from the other side of the lenses.
Addendum XXXX.2: Initial Testing
On January 21, 1963, SCP-XXXX was fixed to a standing frame. D-0983 was commanded to approach it and view through the lenses. D-0983 initially reported seeing nothing, however after several seconds, kept back startled reporting to have seen a man in round glasses leap from just out of view of the lenses in an apparent attempt to surprise him. Upon viewing through the lenses again, D-0983 reported that the apparition was laughing in amusement, and bore a striking resemblance to Benjamin Franklin. This apparition would be marked at SCP-XXXX-A. D-0983 reported more apparitions, all in "old timey" apparel walking into view from out of from, appearing to be studying him. After D-0983 described these figures in detail, they would be marked down as SCP-XXXX-B, SCP-XXXX-C, SCP-XXXX-D, SCP-XXXX-E and SCP-XXXX-F.
On January 24, 1963, Dr. Roberts conducted an interview attempt, as recorded below:
Interviwer: Dr. John Roberts, Site-17
Interviewee(s): SCP-XXXX-A
Roberts: Can you tell me your name?
SCP-XXXX-A: Benjamin Franklin, inventor, author, and diplomat extraordinaire, at your service. To my chagrin it is quite a surprise you haven't heard of me; according to Pierre it has only been about 180 years, have I fallen from the history books so quickly?
Roberts: Do you believe yourself to be the actual Benjamin Franklin, the Founding Father?
SCP-XXXX-A: [Laughs] Ah, so you have heard of me. Well, no less so than the one you know. Though I suppose that question is more than forgivable, given that… [SCP-A phases its hand through its chest]
Roberts: What exactly is the nature of your relationship to these glasses?
SCP-XXXX-A: Ah, the bifocal? Yes, a design of my own machination! I'm quite proud of this one, would you perchance care to see how it works?
Roberts: I'm familiar. But perhaps you could explain how you came to be bonded to them as you are now?
SCP-XXXX-A: Ah… I see. Well, doctor, from one man of science to another? You're not the first to deal in the "anomalous" as you so aptly call it.
Interviwer: Dr. John Roberts, Site-17
Interviewee(s): SCP-XXXX-B
Roberts: Can you tell me your name?
SCP-XXXX-B: My name? [Laughs] I will have to admit I was never known for my humility, however I sincerely doubt you've forgotten my name after a mere two centuries.
Roberts: Do you believe yourself to be Thomas Paine? The Founding Father?
SCP-XXXX-B: If not something remarkably similar. Tell me, doctor, you are a doctor I presume? I'm sure a man of your status is familiar with the Ship of Theseus thought experiment?
Roberts: Please elaborate.
SCP-XXXX-B: Gladly, it would be of no fun otherwise. Imagine the Greek hero Theseus one day retires from his escapades at sea. His vessel is preserved, in a harbor, or perhaps a museum would be more fitting. Over time the wood of the ship begins to rot. It's foundation erodes, its sails tear, and its keepers need to refurbish it with new parts. As the generations pass, eventually its entire body has been replaced. Is this still the ship of Theseus? Or something else entirely?
Roberts: And how do you fit into this metaphor?
SCP-XXXX-B: Ah yes, right to the point aren't we? Now as I'm confident your organization has been able to deduce, I'm not physically here, am I? No body, no blood, no flesh, no brain. Not a single microcosm of his being is preserved in those spectacles, yet here I am. Am I still the ship of Theseus?
Interviwer: Dr. John Roberts, Site-17
Interviewee(s): SCP-XXXX-C
Roberts: Please state your name.
SCP-XXXX-C: David Rittenhouse.
Roberts: The scientist?
SCP-XXXX-C: The very same.
Roberts: Can you tell me how you came to bond with these glasses?
SCP-XXXX-C: [SCP-C waves a hand overhead. A thread of golden light weaves across the ceiling to produce an animate depicting of the Solar System] Can you see this planet? [SCP-C gestures to Venus]. The day I observed Venus with mine own eyes was the most elating experience of my life. There was nothing more I could ask for than to be able to witness it again for a thousand lifetimes. And to be able to assist my countrymen at the same time? That was a quite generous bonus.
Roberts: Help your countrymen how?
SCP-XXXX-C: As a man, I hardly had the physical makings of a soldier. But our corporate minds proved a quite an invaluable resource.
SCP-D refused attempts at interview. He is noted to have been watching a pocket watch intently, and repeatedly answered "non"(translation:no) to all attempts at verbal communication. Upon further request by Dr. Roberts, SCP-D walked through the door of the room and did not remanifest for the duration of the experiment.
Roberts: Please state your name.
SCP-XXXX-E: Benjamin Rush.
Roberts: The physician and former surgeon general?
SCP-XXXX-E: Yes.
Roberts: What can you tell us about the nature of these bifocals, and your connection to them?
SCP-XXXX-E: [Audibly sighs] Yes, we've observed your attempts to ascertain the properties of these spectacles. I'll put it as simply as possible for you doctor—you are a doctor, I presume?
Roberts: Yes.
SCP-XXXX-E: Your foundation should know better than anyone that science isn't always an exact… science. If you are looking for concrete laws and principles that can be contextualized into your understanding of the natural order, you will be sorely disappointed. However… [SCP-XXXX-E waves a hand overhead. Golden threads manifest to draw a three dimensional diagram of the human body and its cardiovascular and nervous system] …this project of ours still did require a scholarly touch. Preserved in these bifocals are the collective consciousnesses of the greatest minds of these colonies, I myself faced the daunting task of creating the blueprint of 'apparitions' such as myself, to be most faithful to our prior selves.
Roberts: For what purpose did you do this?
SCP-XXXX-E: Come now, I refuse to believe you've spoken to four of my colleagues and haven't figured this query out for yourself. If you are wondering if it is mere coincidence that we all hail from the times that we do, I can assure you it is not. And from the look of the flag I've seen swaying before this facility, it would appear that we've done our job well enough.
Roberts: Please state your name.
SCP-XXXX-F: David Bushnell, and might I say what an honor it is to be here.
Roberts: Your colleagues have implied an involvement in the Revolutionary War. Can you elaborate on this for us?
SCP-XXXX-F: Ah, of course. We, the greatest thinkers from across the colonies—and one or two from France—were enlisted to put our minds together to repel those lobster backs. And from this group sprung some of the greatest technological advances of our time. I myself made invaluable contributions to the colonial cause.
Roberts: Can you provide examples?
SCP-XXXX-F: Well, I trust you're already familiar with one. [SCP-XXXX-F grins and lifts one eyebrow]
Roberts: Do you mean to say you designed the bifo—
SCP-XXXX-F: The American turtle! [SCP-XXXX-F springs to its feet and thrusts its arm into the air. Roberts notes its facial features distort for a brief moment and its words turn slightly scratchy and discordant]
Roberts: I beg your pardon?
SCP-XXXX-F: The turtle! The ultimate innovation in stealth combat, submerging American soldiers under water in a state of the art metal vessel!
Roberts: Oh… Um, yes, yes I'm familiar.
SCP-XXXX-F: They called my machinations mad, fooey! But I'm certain my inventions have stood the test of time! The name David Bushnell must be synonymous with maritime combat! [SCP-XXXX-F enters a notably excited state as its appearance and voice further distorts]
Roberts: Yes, yes surely.
SCP-XXXX-F: Why, my discovery of underwater gunpowder alone must surely have turned the tide of the war! For just one man, to be able to stealth below the waters, and sabotage even the mightiest red coat Man o' War with a capsule of fine black powder! BOOM! [SCP-XXXX-F is noted to have distorted further, with its lower body becoming almost fully amorphous and voice substantially rising in volume. Described by Dr. Roberts as "deafening"]
[At this point, Dr. Roberts removes SCP-XXXX and ends testing]
Addendum XXXX.3:
July 3, 1991: Following incident [REDACTED] in Valley Forge, Pennsylvania, SCP-XXXX-A claimed to have manufactured an object with similar anomalous behavior. Upon further interviews, all apparitions claimed to have manufactured anomalous objects.
July 10, 1991: MTF Psi-4("The Curators") are officially organized to excavate and obtain anomalous objects based on the descriptions provided by SCP-XXXX-A, SCP-XXXX-B, SCP-XXXX-C, SCP-XXXX-D, SCP-XXXX-E, and SCP-XXXX-F. Senior researcher Dr. Maximillian Cobalt is selected to head archaeological and historical research on SCP-XXXX and all affiliated anomalies.
Footnotes
1. One half of the pseudonym "Silence Dogood" used by Benjamin Franklin in the New-England Courant.
2. American polymath and Founding Father.
3. English-born American political activist, philosopher, political theorist, and revolutionary.
4. Astronomer, inventor and first director of the United States Mint.
5. French polymath, spy, arms dealer and French and American revolutionary.
6. Physician, educator and signatory to the Declaration of Independence.
7. Inventor, combat engineer and medical doctor in the American Revolution.
8. The first submersible with documented use in combat.
Description: SCP-XXXX is a compass residing in a hexagon-shaped wooden shell. The shell is composed of non-anomalous polished mahogany, and the inner gears and needle are composed of beryllium bronze. The initials 'JPJ' are carved into the bottom of the compass.
SCP-XXXX possesses the ability to generate wind channels based on the imagination of its holder. Foundation testing has shown no apparent limitations in length, duration or shape. Testing has revealed maximum wind speeds of approximately 86 kph.
Addendum XXXX.1: Discovery SCP-XXXX was revealed by SCP-bifocals-A to have been in the possession of Captain John Paul Jones during his raids of the British Aisles in 1778 and 1779. SCP-bifocals-A credits itself as being the inventor of SCP-XXXX.
Foundation agents excavate the grave of John Paul Jones at Naval Academy Chapel in Annapolis, Maryland. SCP-XXXX is discovered inside of Jones' coffin, and is transported to Site-64 for containment and study.
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-6000 is to be closed off to the public via the cover story of a toxic waste accident. All waters within 6 km are to be routinely monitored for unauthorized activity via radar, with Foundation response boats 0261 and 02630268 on active standby stationed in Caemarfon, Wales. All civilians and Foundation personnel to go missing within 3 km of SCP-6000 are to be considered lost.
Every June 21 and December 21, the Foundation is to conduct Procedure Ategenos-1 and Ategenos-2 respectively. In the event of a failure of either Procedure Ategenos-1 or Ategonos-2, all islands within a 40 km radius are to be evacuated effective immediately until the appropriate procedure is completed.
Instances of SCP-6000-1 are to be avoided at all times.
Description: SCP-6000 is a clonal colony of vegetation similar in appearance to hawthorn trees(Crataegus) covering an island with coordinates 51.██████°N, 4.██████°W. No other organisms live on the island, with Foundation soil testing indicating a total absence of all natural minerals necessary to facilitate plant growth. The colony covers the island's entire 19.3 km 2 surface, with average heights of 10.36 m.
Ground Penetrating Radar suggests that SCP-6000's central biomass is approximately 55 m underground and is roughly 7400 m3. A system of tunnels accessible from an unknown number of locations on the island surface are believed to feed to the biomass.
The island is further populated by an indeterminate number of hostile anomalous entities classified SCP-6000-1. Instances of SCP-6000-1 are fully autonomous humanoid constructs of interwoven roots, vines and twigs. Though humanoid in shape, they possess no evidence of higher intelligence. They are hollow in composition, and vary in scale, ranging from 7-13 m tall and often having exaggerated or inconsistent limbs. They possess no facial features besides rudimentarily constructed jaws. Tissue samples reveal an identical genetic makeup to SCP-6000.
Instances of SCP-6000-1 are hypothesized to originate from the tunnels of SCP-6000, as all attempts at eliminating their population have proven ineffective. Upon detecting animal life, SCP-6000-1 will attempt to kill it via dismemberment or consumption. Upon successfully terminating a target, SCP-6000-1 will transport its body into the tunnels of SCP-6000.
Subjects within the forest experience strong sensations of paranoia, claustrophobia and panic. Whether this is a predatory ability to incapacitate targets for ease of capture by SCP-6000-1 or a defensive mechanism to ward off animal inhabitants is unknown.
Failure to perform Procedure(s) Ategenos-1 and/or Ategenos-2 will result in Event Lánurú. This is preluded by all instances of SCP-6000-1 producing an incapacitating vocalization and demonstrating increasingly agitated behavior. The mental alterations of SCP-6000 will exponentially grow in intensity, and protrusions from SCP-6000 will expand at a highly accelerated rate, outwards through the water in all directions. The extent to which SCP-6000 will expand is unknown, however petrified tissue samples of identical genetic makeup have been discovered in ██████, Wales, indicating a minimum radius of 781 km.
Procedure Ategenos-1 is a ritual to be performed every June 21 in a naturally occurring clearing on the western side of SCP-6000. Procedure Ategenos-2 is to be performed as follows:
1. 2 liters of chicken/fowl blood are to be used to draw the Celtic Symbol of the Horned God(Depicted below)
2. One live D-Class is to be tied down at the center of the drawing.
3. Three agents, positioned on the outside of the symbol and equidistant from one-another, are to repeat "Duisigh"(Irish-Gaelic for "awaken") three times with 3-5 second intervals in between.
[At this point, an enlarged arm appearing to belong to a uniquely large instance of SCP-6000-1 will protrude from directly below the D-Class, grasping it in its hand and lifting it approximately 8 m into the air.]
4. The three agents are to walk clockwise until they reach the former position of another participant.
5. Upon reaching their new positions, the three agents are to repeat "soirbghigh"(Irish-Gaelic for "prosper")
[At this point, the arm with descend into the ground with the D-Class personnel.]
Procedure Ategenos-2 is a ritual to be performed every December 21 in a naturally occurring clearing on the western side of SCP-6000. Procedure Ategenos-2 is to be performed as follows:
1. 2 liters of chicken/fowl blood are to be used to draw a Celtic Triskele(as depicted below)
2. Three agents, positioned on the outside of the symbol and equidistant from one-another, are to repeat "Duisigh"(Irish-Gaelic for "awaken") three times with 3-5 second intervals in between.
[Upon completion of Step 1, a passive instance of SCP-6000-1 will emerge from the ground, cutting off at the midsection. There will be an opening ranging from where its solar plexus would be to its collar.]
3. One live D-Class personnel is to be inserted into the chest cavity of the SCP-6000-1 instance.
4. The three agents are to walk counter-clockwise until they reach the position of another participant.
4.5. As step 4.5 is being completed, separate personnel are to set fire to the roots of the SCP-6000-1 instance
5. When the fire catches, the three agents are to repeat "geimhrigh"(Irish-Gaelic for "hibernate") three times with 3-5 second intervals in between.
[At this point, the fire will accelerate and engulf the SCP-6000-1 instance.]
Discovery: SCP-6000 was discovered in June 21, 1915 when a Welsh fighter pilot failed to return after an aerial sweep over coordinates 51.██████°N, 4.██████°W. Welsh search-and-rescue ships with a composite crew total of 12 sent to the area also failed to return. Fearing this to be a precursor of an impending invasion by the Central Powers, Welsh leadership entered a highly agitated state.
Foundation naval researchers sweeped the given coordinates and discovered the unnamed island of SCP-6000, encountering Event Lánurú. The growths of SCP-6000 were temporarily contained with firebombing and a containment perimeter of burning oil. Responding Mobile Task Forces entering the island discovered Procedure Ategnos-1 in process. A critically wounded individual in traditionally druidic attire instructed the agents on the completion of the procedure before promptly expiring from his injuries.
Despite evidence of a struggle and abandoned foodstuffs at the scene of the procedure, it is unknown how many individuals were present on the island or how they survived for as long as they did. Blood trails revealed the existence of SCP-6000's tunnels and SCP-6000-1. The ensuing encounter resulted in 11 injuries and 16 fatalities.
Addendum 6000.1: Initial Exploration
Note: The following logs are obtained from the journal of senior researcher Stewart Mills while escorted by MTF ████-5 during an exploration attempt
August 7, 1915
0600 hours: Touchdown made on the eastern face of the island. At our initial contact, there is no sign of the beasts that slaughtered MTF ████-4 nearly two months ago. The air is frigid, but what more can be expected in this part of the world. Perhaps we could have had the liberty of warmer amenities if time wasn't sop essential for our operation. Our 'informant,' slain before the very eyes of our predecessors warned of the same catastrophe occurring this coming December 21st. Not the sort of Christmas present the Foundation would like to leave for the good people of Wales.
0645 hours: Initial soil testing reveals a most curious discovery. Nitrogen, potassium and calcium levels are almost nonexistent, the soil here shouldn't be able to support life at all. Furthermore, there don't appear to be any traces of fauna here whatsoever. So how do these trees sustain themselves? Further testing required.
0750 hours: We are approximately a half mile into the forest. Flamethrowers have proven effective in subduing the hostiles, but not repelling them. It appears our activity has attracted more, but their numbers in this area are dwindling enough for us to conduct some more substantial research.
0815 hours: Some of the men are feeling uneasy the deeper we go, maybe the hostiles have put them on edge. Private Jorgensen nearly got sick on my shoes. This sort of morale is not tenable for the mission.
1130 hours: We've finally reached the forest clearing. The charred remains of the pyre still remain, however there is no sign of the body. However, it appears a notebook was spared from the fires. It's contents appear to be in latin. Pvt. Blaskowitz, in some limited capacity, managed to translate. It appears to be a set of instructions for a different ritual altogether. This will have to be taken back to headquarters for further analysis. How these people reached this far into the island is still a mystery to me, and how long must they have been doing this for?
1150 hours: We've found a cavity in the earth. Or, more specifically, Blaskowitz found it when he fell through a layer of brush. He seems alright shy a sprained ankle. It appears to tunnel down into the island; we have no idea how far, but there appears to be a draft coming from the other side. It could be feeding from one of the island faces, but that wouldn't explain how… warm? it is. Not to mention the wind feels almost rhythmic, like the breathing patterns of someone in a deep sleep. Further study re—
[At this point, the writing sharply trails off. A tear appears to have appeared on the page from excessive pressure from the pencil]
One of those things grabbed me. It sprang out of the cavern like a mole, and dragged me down. Jorgensen saved me, but he We need to keep moving and return to ship.
1340 hours: As we approached the shore, the ground trembled beneath our feet. Cracks spiderwebbed through the dirt, and the trees began to dance. And the voices, they want us to leave. But when we finally reached the beach, our boat was nowhere in sight.
1600 hours: Our cartographer, Jackson, made an astounding discovery. The landscape of the island seems to have almost totally changed. But it doesn't appear random, it's as though the land were being pulled in a spiral, like as though the very center of the island were rotating in place. That would explain what happened to the boat; we must have arrived at a different place entirely. Jackson estimates we're no more than four kilometers from our way off. I pray he's right, their numbers only appear to grow with time, and our fuel is dwindling.
1700 hours: This is nightmarish. Those things are growing in their numbers, size and ferocity. It is as though every monster on this godforsaken island has been alerted of our presence. We've come across more tunnels, many of them new, and these wicker beast forth from them like wasps from a hive. We had to leave Blaskowitz behind, may God forgive us.
They left me, the bastards fled and now I'm here, stuck here to rot I was separated from the group. A horde of those things found us. Luckily, it appears the larger group drew them off. And now I'm alone. I don't know the time of day, my pocket watch is shatter beyond repair. Nor can I see the sun, with the sun dimming and seemingly suffocating by the skeletal branches. Had they been growing this entire time, and were we too daft to notice?
We shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be here. You shouldn't be here.
One of those beasts fell upon me. Either my men reached the ship and fled the island, or they were torn apart before they even reached the shores. Either way, it appears the wicker men's interest in them has waned. I only escaped by chance, falling into one of those tunnels. When the beast passed, roots sprung from the earthen walls and blocked my only return to the above. I must descend into the hellish tunnels now if I am ever to find my way home. Home. Yes, home sounds nice.
[Note: Mills' handwriting deteriorates considerably] I don't know how I know where I'm going. What little grey light illuminated my way disappeared long ago. It's as though the tunnels open as soon as I think to look. I need to leave. Leave.
[Note: Mills' handwriting deteriorates further. Pages become damp and covered in dirt and dust] Whoever you are, leave this place. Don't ever look back, don't let him take you too.
[Note: Translated from Old Celtic. Handwriting is near unintelligible, and the pages are stained in spattered blood and mucus residue] By earth and ash I find my release. By my flesh he takes back what is his.
July 3, 1991: MTF Zeta-9("Mole Rats") discover Mills' notebook within a tunnel on the southwest of the island. It is lying in front of a human skeleton entwined in roots and partially submerged into the tunnel wall, believed to be Mills' remains. The cover of the book is noted to be dirtied in an unidentified black substance with similar properties to oil.
Addendum 6000.2: Termination Attempt
July 23, 1991: Objecting to Procedure(s) Ategenos-1 and Ategenos-2, the Ethics Committee formally requests to the O5 Council that SCP-6000 be marked for termination effective immediately in lieu of the recovery of Stewart Mills' notebook.
[REQUEST GRANTED]
August 2, 1991: MTF Epsilon-9("Fire Eaters") is dispatched to terminate SCP-6000 via slash-and-burn tactics. Approximately 25 minutes into the mission, incendiary charges are deployed into seven access points to the underground tunnel system that most directly lead to the central biomass of SCP-6000.
Following the detonation, all instances of SCP-6000-1 produce an incapacitating scream consistent with Event Lánurú, as well as an additional and unidentified auditory blast from within the tunnels of SCP-6000.
The fire within the tunnel system exponentially accelerates and encompasses the surface of the island instantaneously, causing 11 fatalities(Cpt. Donovan, Lt. Rogers, 2Lt. Cohen, Agent Vece, Agent Williams, Agent Hart, Agent Ravaschiere, Agent Miller, Agent Little, Agent Hathaway and Agent Jackson) via incineration.
Burning instances of SCP-6000-1 emerge from the tunnels and proceed to attack all surviving Foundation personnel, killing 7 and wounding 4, until disintegrating. All deceased biological material on the island submerge into the ground; the forest fully recovers within approximately three days.
Ground Penetrating Radar reveals no structural damage to the central biomass of SCP-6000.
[TERMINATION: FAILURE]
[Following the failed termination attempt of SCP-6000, the authorization to terminate SCP-6000 is revoked by the O5 Council.]
Addendum 6000.3
July 26, 1991: Dr. ████ formally requests to O5 Council for permission to terminate SCP-6000-1 via nuclear detonation.
[REQUEST DENIED]
We have no idea of the limitations of SCP-6000's regenerative capabilities or, more importantly, the extent to which SCP-6000 is capable of turning our own firepower against us, as it did not three days ago. Further testing is required before we feed it something as devastating as a nuclear blast. Then, of course, there is the issue of explaining a nuclear explosion more than two-hundred and sixty miles outside of the jurisdiction of the nearest nuclear-capable state. If you're so concerned with saving lives, perhaps try not to spark an international incident.
O5-██
Containment Class:
thaumiel
Special Containment Procedures:
Per 
