4998





HYPERREAL INTER-LINEAR DATABASE AUDITOR (HILDA)
Displaying result for SCP-4998 on 23/03/2016 at 0300 hrs

All access to HILDA is jointly tracked by the Overseer Council and the Pataphysics Department.
Unauthorised access is grounds for immediate termination.
































This
Stage 3 Hobbies Badge Activity Journal
belongs to:
Silas Teo

SENTINEL COHORT: 3/2014
SENTINEL SQUAD: Corinth 3

Section A - Journalling, Progress, and Reflection

[41 pages of extraneous content elided.]

Section B - Peer Appraisal

Instructions to Peer Referees: You may provide a testimonial of any length or style in order to creatively showcase your friend's special talent. The content of your writing should focus on their technical proficiency, devotion to their chosen craft, and willingness to share their gifts with others. As Wayfarers are called to be stewards of the Benefactor's varied grace and not conceal their talents under lampshades, this section carries considerable weightage in view of the overall assessment.

Bear in mind that the entire portfolio must be submitted by September 30, 2014, or the application will be voided.












A NOTICE FROM THE PEER REFEREE

You are viewing the third revision of this document, dated June 3, 2015. Consequently, amendments made to existing sections (i.e. all except Addendum 4998.5) since the second revision, dated October 17, 2014, have been highlighted in blue.

Name of Referee: Paul Theophilus Lee (4/2015)

uke.JPG

SCP-4998 in containment

Item #: SCP-4998

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-4998 was to be stored in an air-conditioned room, restrung tri-annually with Worth Brown fluorocarbon strings, and given a thorough wiping daily with a damp microfiber cloth. SCP-4998 was to be securely stowed in a hard-shell instrument case whenever in transit, and was to accompany PoI-4998 to a secluded pavilion within the local Botanical Gardens once every week for fellowship.

UPDATE 03/06/2015: Owing to the unexpected shift in SCP-4998’s modality wrought by Incident [REDACTED], the aforementioned maintenance measures are no longer applicable. The current emphasis of SCP-4998’s containment is the preservation of SCP-4998-1 within the psyche of PoI-4998, as well as ongoing research into SCP-4998-1’s definitional boundaries.

It is of note that SCP-4998’s now-obsolete containment procedures were almost wholly obviated by PoI-4998 who, out of affection, performed the stipulated actions at such redundant frequencies that I would teasingly spur him to “get a guitar instead”, secretly hoping a containment breach would arise from benign neglect. Of course, he refused. Fun times.

Description: SCP-4998 is an honourably retired Kala KA-ASAC-C Solid Acacia concert ukulele. Precisely speaking, it is that august bearer of such increasingly flattering monikers as - in rough order of debut - Lyra, Shitty Miss Untuneable, Best Friend, and most recently, my heroine. Despite its present, disassembled condition, SCP-4998 is not a victim of dereliction, nor an effigy of more callow years. Rather, it is a memorial; an enchanted wooden box, indivisible, indispensable; catharsis, conviction and homeliness grafted into solid wood, temporally organised pitches weaponised against outer and inner darkness. SCP-4998 is sacrifice.

In its original condition, SCP-4998 provided its valorous young wielder (hereafter PoI-4998) with various benefits, anomalous for their perpetuity and the unwavering reliability with which SCP-4998 endowed them. These benefits included, but were by no means limited to:

  • A spiritually exultant mental posture not tantamount to escapism;
  • A bulwark against disclarity, despair, and various other disinclinations of the soul;
  • Communion with the Great Benefactor;
  • Celestium, and the uplifting of lowly things, gloriously foreshadowed;
  • Some frankly jubilant geekery about why Bbm6 wants to resolve to Fmaj7, among other things;
  • Reflexive disgust and/or apathy towards the bass clef and associated compositions;
  • An unorthodox functional substitute for a teddy bear (see Addendum 4998.1);
  • Friendship.

SCP-4998 is also theorised to have elicited from PoI-4998 a vein of outwardly skittish, protective behaviour towards it, with the conspicuity of said behaviour correlated with 1) proximity to SCP-4998, 2) the number of PoI-4998's close friends in the vicinity (though this latter parameter has seldom exceeded one). Notable manifestations include:

  • Implications of kinship between SCP-4998 and PoI-4998, cited as a basis of affection;
  • Superlative anxiety over the prospect of unintended physical contact between SCP-4998 and other objects, à la: "Not even a Nerf bullet!";
  • Highly imaginative and suggestible verbal listing of all plausible ways SCP-4998 might meet with harm in any given situation;
  • Wittering ad nauseum about the difficulties involved in taking SCP-4998 onto public transport or international flights, and correspondingly, the utility of a hard-shell case.


Addendum 4998.1: Transcript of Text-Based Interview between Referee Paul and PoI-4998

Referee Paul
Look, I know you love 4998 like a sister, but I cannot say I approve of your habit of sleeping with it. I mean, what if you roll over it? Or nudge it off the bed? Look, not that I'm jealous or anything (what on earth). But given how much you usually baby 4998, I'd hate if you inadvertently smashed it during one of those fitful dreams you are… demonstrably quite prone to.

PoI-4998
*her

Referee Paul

save me


Addendum 4998.2: Log of Notable Incidents
Date Description of Event
29/08/2011 (Mon) SCP-4998's date of purchase, which Referee Paul inferred from the receipt framed in PoI-4998's bedroom.
11/05/2012 (Fri) PoI-4998 reported having a vehement and inconclusive argument with their parents about whether playing SCP-4998 in their local Tabernaculum would be well-received. A proposed setlist was sent to Referee Paul via Facebook Messenger.
13/05/2012 (Sun) PoI-4998 played SCP-4998 in their local Tabernaculum for the first time.
30/11/2012 (Fri) During a routine informal fellowship session with Referee Paul, PoI-4998 accidentally struck SCP-4998 against their apartment's parquet flooring. To Referee Paul's bemusement, PoI-4998 then spent roughly three minutes apologising to SCP-4998 and tenderly rubbing the impacted area. No physical damage to SCP-4998 was observed.
18/06/2013 (Tue) PoI-4998 was found in their residence, listless and languid, with their personal computer running open-source music notation software MuseScore. Upon questioning, Referee Paul determined that PoI-4998 had been obsessively trying to harmonise the Sentinel's Creed using SCP-4998. PoI-4998 expressed frustration towards their abortive attempt and their perceived lack of requisite theoretical knowledge. PoI-4998 was gently reproved.
19/06/2013 (Wed) PoI-4998 was observed to have tied a hexagonal paper tag around SCP-4998's headstock, with the words "Col. 3:16 - Audience of One" written neatly in permanent marker. Note: Since then, the tag has only been removed for performances with the Sentinels due to institutional concerns about aesthetic propriety.
25/12/2013 (Wed) As a concession to PoI-4998's incessant beckoning, Referee Paul gifted PoI-4998 with an instructional book about employing jazz theory and techniques on SCP-4998. While PoI-4998 was visibly delighted, Referee Paul needled PoI-4998 during the unboxing by feigning concern that the book in question constituted some kind of oxymoron.
15/01/2014 (Wed) Upon studying the entry requirements to be a praise musician in their Sentinels cohort (see Addendum 4998.3), PoI-4998 became convinced that the gift described in the preceding entry was a godsend, and offered profuse gratitude to Referee Paul. In response, Referee Paul drew attention to the tag fastened around SCP-4998's headstock.
23/02/2014 (Sat) During regular Saturday parade, PoI-4998 described to Referee Paul their rigorous practice regimen, incited by the aforementioned divulgation of entry requirements. Referee Paul witnessed as PoI-4998 registered for the diagnostic test and technical audition scheduled for the following week.
02/03/2014 (Sat) [DATA EXPUNGED]
03/03/2014 (Tue) Once again, PoI-4998 played SCP-4998 in their local Tabernaculum, a service he had been faithfully performing for as long as Referee Paul could remember. And it was riveting.
17/10/2014 (Fri) See Addendum 4998.4.
03/06/2015 (Wed) See Addendum 4998.5.


Addendum 4998.3: Terms of Reference for Prospective Praise Musicians, Spirebourne Sentinels 3/2014 Cohort

SPIREBORNE SENTINELS - THIRD YEAR 2014: AUTONOMOUS COHORT
ADMINISTRATIVE STRUCTURE AND TERMS OF REFERENCE

[Extraneous content elided]

Praise Musician

  • Be available thrice weekly for band practice, excluding post-parade Saturday sessions
  • Pass a sight-reading audition testing melodic and chordal playing in all 24 major and minor keys - including ability to realise dynamics and articulations - in any simple, odd, or irrational time signature
  • Demonstrate, through a written diagnostic test,1 confident theoretical grasp of the following musical concepts (in ascending order of complexity):
  • The spelling and modes of the major, melodic minor and harmonic minor scales;
  • Basic functional harmony and common cadences as applied in jazz, pop and rock;
  • Secondary dominant and leading-tone chords;
  • Borrowed chords and the principles of modulation;
  • Tritone substitutions, chord extensions and shell voicings;
  • The altered scale;
  • Chromatic mediants.
  • Be able to execute and concisely explain all of the above concepts using their instrument of choice, where technically applicable

Bandleader

  • Immediately meet the prerequisites defined by the preceding tier
  • Represent the praise band at official Sentinels / Institutional functions and praise sessions
  • Oversee the logistics and invigilation of Praise Band entry examinations
  • Imbue the Praise Band with a spirit of excellence in their musical training and performances
  • Discourage and proscribe the playing of instruments that are unsuited to a doxological setting or of a prohibitively poor construction

[Extraneous content elided]

1 The most recent Instructors' Council has unanimously agreed that Grade 8 passes in ABRSM Musical Theory or Rockschool Popular Music Theory will NOT be accepted as alternative qualifications. Let it be stated that being a Sentinel, let alone a Wayfarer, is to transcend worldliness and defy mediocrity. Whatever knowledge you think suffices in your mother's basement or your barroom gig, it almost certainly does not amount to an aesthetic foretaste of Celestium. Set your bar higher. I have received enough frivolous enquiries on this matter, especially from your feckless seniors.

On an unrelated note, you percussionists might think you have it easy, but I will not tolerate anyone who uses classroom desks as makeshift cajóns.

Don't test my patience.


Addendum 4998.4 - Update 17/10/2014: Hobbies Badge Practical Assessment Results

With his conviction renewed but arguably never sullied in the first place, PoI-4998 tried again.

Section C - Practical Assessment

CANDIDATE NAME/YEAR: Silas Teo (3/2014)
ASSESSMENT FOR: Hobbies badge, Stage 3
ASSESSMENT DATE: 17 October 2014
REPERTOIRE PERFORMED:

  • "Poor Wayfaring Stranger," American folk
  • "I'll Fly Away," Albert Brumley (1929)
  • "What Child Is This?" William C. Dix (1871) [instrumental]

INSTRUCTORS' APPRAISAL: Silas' performance might be described as "technically proficient" in the sense that metronomic foot-tapping in the absence of viable percussive implements (or something better to do), and keeping a steady tempo, is proficient. Despite repeated admonitions from both mentors and friends to upgrade his choice of instrument to one better suited to the exigencies of liturgy, Silas steadfastly pursues this specious Hawaiian tchotchke as his principal instrument. It is amusing that it derives its name from a parasitic insect; this etymology is perhaps a divinely ordained commentary on its effect on his musicality.

What is even more repugnant is his gormless attempt to elevate the unmusical simplicity of folk-melody "Greensleeves" (Greenhorns? Topical…) by titling his instrumental arrangement after a Wayfaring ditty (which is set to said melody), steeped in the mystery of the Incarnation, and yet neglecting to vocalise its profound lyrics. Such an impiety is an abomination to the Sentinels and a gross, impotent pastiche of the reverence offered to the Great Benefactor by the Celestial Multitude, which Silas - like it or not - will one day be a part of (insofar as he continues having the audacity to call himself a Wayfarer).

And that was fine, because the tag, which PoI-4998 promptly refastened to SCP-4998 the moment the trial was over, made one thing abundantly clear:

Col. 3:16 - Audience of One

He owed the world nothing.

Addendum 4998.5 - Update 17/10/2014: Postmortem

Referee Paul has previously neglected to mention the most singular feature of SCP-4998, namely, its being suffused with an ethereal fragrance not contingent on its structural integrity (hereafter SCP-4998-1). While SCP-4998-1 is provably incapable of being circumscribed by earthly descriptors, PoI-4998 has, together with a confidant, hazarded several conceptual approximations as "best guesses". These are, in ascending order of fidelity:

  • The initials S. D. G. that Johann Sebastian Bach often appended to his compositions;
  • The lyre of David mightier than any javelin of Saul;
  • Those sleepless and irresolute nights where wakefulness tarries until 3 a.m. and you clasp your best friend tight and close, and you start to feel like neither of you are any earthly good and are being constantly overshadowed, but you realise that it is immaterial, and the golden shore on the horizon begins to crystallise on the periphery of your bleary vision, and the last thing you remember before the flesh fails and the nightly roost beckons, is smiling, and telling her that you are so proud of her, and then the plangent straining of open chords in the key of C and singing softly -
worth1

the first line











Our verdict on this audition, therefore, is quite unequivocal.
RATIFIED BY: Chief Instructor Jarvis
RESULT: FAIL


worth2

and the second line.






















Sorry Paul. It just isn't enough.




Thanks for trying.




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