Per 
FRIDAY FOX V. SCP FOUNDATION
In attendance:
Friday Fox
Plaintiff
Mr Deeds
Attorney for the plaintiff
Sheldon Katz, Esq.
Attorney for the defendant
Jennifer Harpel
Defendant, representant of SCP Foundation
David Gilbert
Defendant, representant of SCP Foundation
Friday Fox
Presiding Judge
SCP-718 ("Eyeball")
Expert Eyewitness
SCP-1845-1 ("His Royal Highness, Eugenio the Second… Defender of the Faith")
Witness
SCP-343 ("God")
Witness
Friday Fox
Witness
Friday Fox
Juror #1
Friday Fox
Juror #2
Friday Fox
Juror #3
Friday Fox
Juror #4
Friday Fox
Juror #5
Orange you glad I didn't say Friday Fox?
Juror #6
Guy Fieri
Juror #7
Current acting President of the United States Barack Obama
Juror #8
Researcher Talloran
Juror #9
SCP-527 ("Mr Fish")
Juror #10
Friday Fox dressed as Mr Fish
Juror #11
Stan Lee
Juror #12
D-2875
Court transcriber
TRANSCRIPT OF COURT PROCEEDINGS
MTF-Beta64-B: All rise for the honourable Judge Friday!
JUDGE FRIDAY: You may be seated.
KATZ: This is completely absurd.
HARPEL: (sighs) Welcome to Site-66, Mr Katz.
KATZ: Yeah, well, the MTFs briefed me on the way here, but I didn't think it was THIS big.
GILBERT: I should warn you that SCP-4400, and by extension, this courtroom, don't really abide by normal court procedures.
KATZ: Gee, you don't say.
HARPEL: Well, you'll need to think outside of the box for this case.
KATZ: Don't worry, I think I'll get the hang of it quick enough.
JUDGE FRIDAY: Order! In the case of Friday Fox V. SCP Foundation. May the plaintiff please address the court.
FRIDAY: Yes, your honour?
JUDGE FRIDAY: Your Honour was my father's name. Please, call me Friday.
FRIDAY: Yes, Friday?
JUDGE FRIDAY: Knock knock
FRIDAY: Who's there?
JUDGE FRIDAY: Little old lady
FRIDAY: (Yodeling) Liloldladyoooooooooooo!
JUDGE FRIDAY: Excellent. You may sit down. May the defendants please address the court?
HARPEL: Yes, Friday?
JUDGE FRIDAY: Ms Harpel. Am I correct in assuming that you are here representing the SCP Foundation?
HARPEL: Correct
JUDGE FRIDAY: The charges pressed against your foundation are as follow: Terrible hygiene, having a dumb logo, discrimination against Foxes, Refusing to come on and slam and welcome to the jam, false advertising, refusing to change the acronym SCP to "Santa's Christmas Pow-wow", operating without a sense of humour. Over 4000 counts of securing. Over 4000 counts of containing. Over 4000 counts of protecting. Battery against a deceased horse, and, finally, unlawful containment of a woodland animal. In response to these charges, how do you plead?
KATZ: Not Guilty, your honour.
FRIDAY: OBJECTION! Friday, I wish to ask the opposition a question.
KATZ: Objection, the proceedings have yet to even start. You can't object to a plea-
JUDGE FRIDAY: Overruled, Mr Dogz. I'll allow it.
KATZ: Oh come on.
FRIDAY: Miss Harpel, answer me this, how many foxes has the foundation contained?
KATZ: Objection, Miss Harpel has not been summoned as a witness. The opposition has no right to cross exam-
JUDGE FRIDAY: Overruled, Mr Birdz. Miss Harpel, please answer the plaintiff's question.
HARPEL: To my knowledge, around 5, including yourself.
FRIDAY: Hold it right there! You're dead wrong, Harpel. It will please the court to know that, including myself, the Foundation is currently holding SIX foxes!
The gallery erupts into shocked murmuring and restlessness
JUDGE FRIDAY: ORDER! I WILL HAVE ORDER! Defendant, is this true?
HARPEL: W-Well, I did say 'to my knowl-
FRIDAY: 1294, 1845-1, 2935, 334, 953, and 4400; myself!
JUDGE FRIDAY: Defendant, did you willingly conceal information from this court?
KATZ: Your Honour, if I may answer for the defendant.
JUDGE FRIDAY: Go on, Mr Duckz.
KATZ: Johnny Depp IS Captain Jack Sparrow. Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Men Tell no Tales was released to theatres worldwide in May 2017, while Pirates of the Caribbean: The Black Pearl was released in 2003. Now tell me, members of the jury, what is 20 + 17 + 03?
MR FISH: It's 40.
KATZ: EXACTLY! This is 40! Starring Paul Rudd, Leslie Mann, and Megan FOX! Coincidence? I think not.
People within the gallery audibly gasp. Many begin to talk amongst themselves.
JUDGE FRIDAY: Order in the court, I say! Intriguing, defense. The court accepts your explanation.
FRIDAY: Objection! The SCP Foundation is still holding 6 foxes!
KATZ: Objection, it will please the court to know that in my time as senior counsel with The Foundation I've had to give legal advice for many possible cases of animal mistreatment, what with the constant presence of the Ethics Committee and the WWS. And with this knowledge, I've noticed a keen contradiction in the plaintiff's claim!
JUDGE FRIDAY: Hm? A contradiction you say? Intriguing. Proceed, Mr Molez
KATZ: I would like to first confirm with the Court Transcriber that the plaintiff said, and I quote, "1294, 1845-1, 2935, 334, 953, and 4400; myself!"
I nod my head I mean, uh, D-2875 nods his head.
KATZ: Interesting. I have a copy of SCP-1294's article with me here, as a matter of fact.
A physical copy of SCP-1294's article manifests on the defendant's desk.
KATZ: And within this article, the following is clearly stated: "SCP-1294 is composed entirely of a fungal material, which replicates its skin, skeleton, and fur"! As such, while SCP-1294 may appear to be a fennec fox, it is in fact nothing more than a plant! And what are plants used for? Salads! And it is the defense's belief that salads are for nerds!
Several airhorns begin sounding from an unknown source. The gallery enters a loud uproar, with several members exclaiming profanities, shock and disbelief.
JUDGE FRIDAY: Order! Order! Order in the court!
JUDGE FRIDAY discards it's gavel and manifests a gong in one hand, and a large mallet in the other. JUDGE FRIDAY sounds the gong, which reverberates through the gallery. All members of the gallery begin to vibrate comedically.
KATZ: Friday, I would like to submit this copy of SCP-1294's article to the court as evidence.
KATZ passes his copy of the article to MTF-BETA64-B.
JUDGE FRIDAY: Very well, the court accepts the article as evidence.
JUDGE FRIDAY takes the article from MTF-BETA64-B. JUDGE FRIDAY discards the article into the trash bin behind it.
HARPEL: Holy… How the hell did you did you do that?
KATZ: Miss Harpel, when you've been working with the Foundation as long as I have, you learn that it doesn't have to make sense for it to work. You think you've embraced the absurd? I once spent 12 hours debating with a mahogany desk. At this point I'm just hoping to retire with what's left of my sanity.
HARPEL: You definitely caught on quick, I'll give you that.
KATZ: We had a game back in Law School called "Kangaroo Court". I haven't gotten to play a round in years.
GILBERT: But SCP-4400 is a fox, not a kanga-
KATZ: Yes, I can see that it's a fox, Gilbert.
DEEDS: Master Honorable Judge Friday, the plaintiffs would like to summon a witness.
JUDGE FRIDAY: Very well.
DEEDS: The plaintiffs ask that SCP-1845-1 take the stand.
SCP-1845-1 is escorted by MTFs acting as bailiffs to the witness stand. SCP-1845-1 provided a keyboard with which to communicate, and Researcher CROMPTON was stationed by the witness stand to narrate the contents aloud in real-time.
JUDGE FRIDAY: Witness, please state your name, occupation and relationship status for the record.
SCP-1845-1/CROMPTON: We are appalled you need ask. We are none other than His Royal Highness, Eugenio the Second, by the Grace of God, King of the Forest, Lord of the Plains, Duke of the Grand Fir and the Undergrowth, Defender of the Faith. As for our "relationship status" we kindly request you explain what this status entails. There is no social status we have yet to attain, including one of relationships.
FRIDAY: Hey, tall, red and handsome. I think what Friday is asking is if there's a Ms Her Royal Highness, Wife of Eugenio The Second, by the Grace of God, Queen of the Forest, Lady of the Plains, Duchess of the Grand Fir and Undergrowth, Defender of the Faith.
SCP-1845-1/CROMPTON: Ah! I say! You inquire of our marital affairs. We are currently engaged to our people, but we do acknowledge the beauty of the fair vulpine lady seated around us.
All versions of FRIDAY pull out a fan and begin to swoon dramatically for SCP-1845-1.
JUDGE FRIDAY: Well, we're all free at 8 on Saturday if you ever want to catch a mouse together.
SCP-1845-1/CROMPTON: We shall keep thine offer in mind, Lady Friday.
DEEDS: If the witness would please give their testimony to the court.
SCP-1845-1/CROMPTON: Ah, yes. We, leader of the Roman Catholic prisoners of war, detained by this faction you have dubbed "SCP Foundation", have made several kind requests to our captors to facilitate our installation in this foreign camp. While we do concede that some of our wishes have been granted, many of them have been denied, and unjustly so in our opinion.
DEEDS: Your Highness, could you detail some of these denied requests, if you please?
SCP-1845-1/CROMPTON: Indeed, of the wishes we have expressed to this faction, we kindly requested the establishment of a Roman Catholic Church within our enclosure, with which to practice our ever-present faith to God. This request was promptly denied by our captors. We then kindly requested to send one of our own outside of the enclosure to be ordained as a Roman Catholic Priest, so we could at least hold a proper mass with which to give faith and good will to our people. This request was promptly denied as well. We requested to, at the very least, be provided with holy water, communion wafers, and wine. And if they would not permit we send one of our own to become a proper Catholic priest, that they dare furnish us with priestly vestments so that we may make as if we were in possession of a priest. This request, as with the others, has been denied.
Many worried murmurs become audible from the gallery by this point. One D-Class seated within the gallery loudly exclaims in protest.
D-37065: THAT'S NOT FAIR!
DEEDS: A most sorrowful tale of pain and neglect, Your Highness. Are there any more requests you have been denied?
SCP-1845-1/CROMPTON: It is currently our belief that to properly maintain morale and hope at times as dire as these, one must take the steps necessary to enforce the status quo. Normalcy, if you will. We are certain that within no less than a Fortnite our allies shall arrive post-haste to deliver us from this foreign land. In the meantime, whilst we await our saviours, we have requested such implements as coffee beans for agriculture, a tractor or a plow to cultivate the lands, a jeweled crown to re-enforce our position, a boulder to chisel into a throne to remind the commoners of our glorious palace, and finally for live fish to be introduced into our ecosystem. All denied.
DEEDS: And there you have it, your honour.
KATZ: Objection, your honour, this testimony, while damning for the Foundation, has no relation to the charges pressed against them.
DEEDS: Ah, yes, in the matter of that. Your Highness, you are currently situated within a certain proximity of the gentleman acting as your interpreter. Can you please tell the court your opinion of this man?
SCP-1845-1/CROMPTON: We cannot conceal what is plain, the sir before me has a most foul odor emanating from his pers-Hey! Someone stole my deodorant, alright? You don't think I realize it, too? They don't have showers here and I only get to go home long enough to fall asleep. Shut up, man!
Researcher CROMPTON left the witness stand, noticeably insecure upset by the witness's remarks.
DEEDS: The plaintiffs rest, your honour.
JUDGE FRIDAY: Honestly, I smelled the guy myself, but I just thought I'd let one of the Fridays in the jury quip about it. I've gotten enough good jokes as is, yaknow?
KATZ: Your Honour, permission to cross-examine His Highness?
JUDGE FRIDAY: You will have to wait until we find another interpreter for him. I call for a five-minute recess wherein we can flirt with His High- I mean, search for a willing party, of course. Court is adjourned!
JUDGE FRIDAY hits the gong once more, causing all attendants to the court to vibrate comedically.
