Per 
In my short time on the wiki, just shy of 1 year1, I have learned a lot and have grown as a person for the better. BUT, a lot of my SCP friends didn't. But fear not, I am here to help! Here is a guide on how to look like an author and go out with the cool kids.
Context and Disclaimers!
THIS IS A JOKE DONT TAKE SERIOUSLY PLSPLS YOURE A GREAT AUTHOR TRUST ME
IF YOU USE SHIT LIKE THIS YOURE PROBABLY GONNA LOOK LIKE A RANDOM WANNABE
ALL THE JOKES HERE ARE NOT MEANT TO OFFEND ANYONE AND SHOULD BE TAKEN WITH A GRAIN OF SALT
IF YOUR NAME IS IN ONE OF THE JOKES AND YOU DONT WANT IT TO BE THERE THEN TELL ME TO DELETE THEM
Section #1: Situational Lines!
#1: I know [author] is 110% gonna be famous soon, they have the potential to make the next 2521/096/173/1000 (cycle as necessary)!
SITUATION
Has someone asked you "Whats your favorite author?" or "What author do you think is gonna win the X contest?"? Well, first you should take a look at the Author's Pages page and select the name that looks the fanciest. Next, be sure they are still active and writing and memorize the quote they put in the author post of their most popular work (why are there so many quotes??). Then, the scenario should play out like this:
SCENARIO
Cool guy: Whats your fav author?
You (🤮 author): Its xX_=-Jakistonpossikaktus-=_Xx, they are such a good author! Have you seen their newest work? They're gonna make the next 2521 soon, I bet my ass on it!
Cool guy: xX_=-Jakistonpossikaktus-=_Xx?! He sucks! Have you actually seen his newest article?! Its like 10 words long!!11!
#2: IMO [article] had a lot of potential but the author was lazy so they didnt care! >:(
SITUATION
Have you had that awkward relatable situation where the boys are talking about how much an article sucks and how it should be rewrited ASAP? Don't you just hate it when one of them asks for your opinion? Then just use this simple line! You don't even have to know what the article is about!
SCENARIO
Cool guy: Man, have you seen SCP-42069 by jdcactus? It sucks ass!
Cool guy 2: Yeah! Hey, You (🤮 author), what is your opinion?
You (🤮 author): Well, imo SCP-42069 had a lot of potential, but it feels like the author just decided to ignore it and post an unfinished SCP.
Cool guy: Seriously?? It was literally a toilet that makes you piss uncontrollably! How can you think there is any potential for this as a non -j article?! Are you fucking braindead?!
#3: Well, I kind of like your draft, but it just misses a little… something. IDK what it is, it just needs more stuff.
SITUATION
Have you ever been hangin' out with your discord buddies, and then suddenly one of them sends you their new draft? Are you a terrible critter? Fear not! Just click the link they sent you and look at the number of addenda. If it's bellow 3, just use this simple line! You don't even need to know what the SCP is about!
SCENARIO
Cool guy: Hey, wanna check out my new draft? https://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/funni
You (🤮 author): Well, it's a bit short. You should add more addenda.
Cool guy: Did you even read the context?! It's for the [idk some contest about short articles] contest!
ALTERNATIVE: Needs some tests/Needs a story.
#4: My favorite SCP is [insert unknown scp].
SITUATION
Has it happened to you that someone asks you for your favorite SCP? Well, you could be normal and tell them your favorite SCP, but if its a series 1, people are gonna think you haven't read a lot. If you want to seem like a cool kid, you need to choose an SCP with a number higher than 1000 and with less than 1000 upvotes. You can also choose an 001 proposal if you're feeling it (WARNING: DO NOT CHOOSE OUROBOROS, THE GATE GUARDIAN OR WHEN DAY BREAKS).
SCENARIO
Cool guy: What's your favorite SCP? Mine's 5987, really good bait.
You (🤮 author): Well, for me its SCP-3929.
Cool guy: The pills that make you old and horny?! It's absolute dogshit! I've never been more disappointed in kaktus!
#5: The wiki sucks, im moving to [scp ripoff]!
SITUATION
Have you something along the lines of "Staff do something controversial" on the news? Well, you would probably just say to yourself "Eh, staff are also humans. I can forgive them." like a normal person (unless staff really messed up badly). But we all know you are nothing like that, so you have to dramatically announce that you're leaving the community, only to come back a week later.
SCENARIO
Cool guy: Hey, have you heard of the recent drama involving site staff?
You (🤮 author): Yeah! Im leaving for RPC when they aren't fucking toxic like here!
Cool guy: You really sound like you haven't been there, in the discord they spam the damn n-word!
Section #2: Conversation Starters!
#1: What is the best tale/GOI format? (Be sure you don't say "SCP" by accident!)
SCENARIO
You (🤮 author): What is the best GOI format?
Cool guy: Its "The Furmen" by Ralliston, really makes you nervous. Whats your favorite GOI format?
You (🤮 author): *sweating* Uhh… SPC-169- Yeah! Its SPC-169, really funny!
Cool guy: WTF?! SPC-169 is the most unoriginal SPC you can think of! Raise your standards dumbass!
#2: I just read SCP-XXXX, what is your opinion on it?
SCENARIO
You (🤮 author): Woah! I just read SCP-831, its really good.
Cool guy: What even was it? Can you tell me?
*you actually read it cause you didn't in the first place*
Cool guy: Hello?
You (🤮 author): Oh yeah! It was the Tinkerbugs, dont you remember?
Cool guy: Ah, yeah. Pretty interesting. What took you so long to respond?
Section #3: Big-Boy Words to Expand your Vocabulary With!
"Skip" (/skɪp/) - Slang for "SCP".
Usage: "Wanna see my new skip?"
"Addendums" (/əˈdɛndəms/) - Plural form of "Addendum", not correct though. Used by people who don't know that THE RIGHT WORD IS ADDENDA, and im not grammar police for saying that.
Usage: "Your SCP needs more addendums."
"Greenlight" (/ɡriːnlʌɪt/) - The process of getting your first idea approved.
Usage: "Seeking Greenlight: Yes"
"IRC" A chatroom. Synonymous with "a confusing mess for new authors".
Usage: "How the [REDACTED] does IRC work?!"
Afterword
Thats it for the epic list! That should truly help you become the best wiki-imposter2 you can ever be! More to come because im so sadomasochistic!
