Per 
Please insert your dominant arm into the receptacle.
Dr. Sanjana Ferry grimaced as the machine inserted its tiny needle into her arm. How it always knew where the vein was, she was uncertain, but as she exited one formality and walked through another, she sighed. Today, she was going to have to deal with a lot more than blood tests.
Please stand still. When you may move on, a buzzer will sound.
Oh god, here we go.
This part always took a while, so, to pass the time, she closed her eyes and tried to remember her list of good words to use once the plan took shape.
Secure, Systematic, Silent, Sparse, Stationary…
The list went on. She patted her pocket just to make sure she had her thesaurus on her. Feeling it there, its hundreds of pages filled with easy clinical phrases and notes for when she wrote up the file, gave her a sense of satisfaction, with just a dash of hope.
Maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe for once, one of my plans would actually work. Maybe—
BZZZZZZZT
The buzzer sounded with a ferocious metallic clanging, as Dr. Ferry jumped out of the metal detector. After seven years of working in the same building, going through the same tedious security procedures every time, one would think she'd have gotten used to them, but as on day one, Dr. Ferry mumbled that she'd rather be in a crowded airport than here. Stepping into the final machine, a memetic pulsar, she tried her hardest to put aside her thoughts and save them for later. This part always took less time when she wasn't thinking about anything at all.
You are being relayed a simple phrase. Please recite the first thing that enters your mind.
Dr. Ferry focused as hard as she could.
Everything is going to be fine. I am fine. Just wait for the Dogs Are Only Cats In Disguise Dogs Are Only Cats In Disguise Dogs Are Only Cats In Disguise Dogs Are Only Cats In Disguise Dogs—
"Dogs are only cats in disguise!"
Dogs Are Only Cats In Disguise Dogs Are Only Cats In—
You may exit the memetic pulsar.
Cats In Disguise Dogs Are Only Cats In—
Dr. Ferry slowly opened her eyes.
Jesus Christ, finally.
The phrase exited her mind as quickly as it had entered. Of all the things she had to go through just to begin her day, being forced to think, even for a minute, was always the most stressful. Most people took their own minds for granted, but as a Researcher of Cognitohazards and Memetic Mysteries alike, Dr. Ferry knew the dangers that could present themselves in thoughts.
Sitting down at her desk, Dr. Ferry noticed a note on the side of her computer. Picking it up, she realized she recognized the handwriting. It was her own.
Hi SJ, you have roughly four minutes to read this and act on the following instructions before you need to amnesticize yourself to this whole dealio. Use Class-A's, as I assume nothing interesting has happened this morning, save maybe a security malfunction or traffic jam.
Ugh, goddamnit
Dr. Ferry had enough on her plate without having to deal with her own cognitohazardous bullshit. She was 75% sure this whole thing was just a prank on herself, set up last night when she had gone a little too far with her corporate Christmas present, that being a bottle of Jack Daniels. Nevertheless, she reached into the back of her cabinet and pulled out an inhaler, along with a small tube with the letter A pasted onto the side.
First, search your computer for a file labelled "rememberme.txt". It contains a virulent Infohazard detailing the whereabouts and intentions of an unknown entity. You need to send this file to Site-96 immediately, with the subject "IH-A&D-CA" and in the body, just put "Sanjana Ferry, Site-94" along with the file.
Dr. Ferry sighed. She searched the file, which she found in her videos folder, of all places, and pasted into an email addressed to some researcher at Site-96.
Wait… what am I doing?
Dr. Ferry didn't remember walking in, or why she was holding her inhaler. She saw a half-written email containing no subject or text, with a file named "rememberme.txt" attatched. Shrugging, she pressed send, and continued about her business. As she turned, she knocked a piece of paper onto the ground, which was instantly swept under her desk, never to be seen again.
Dr. Ferry was looking up the difference between "Collateral and Collated" when her phone buzzed. She checked the message, and immediately, her face fell.
Hey SJ, it's 1:30. Wanna see if your obsession with poetry is going to save us from doomsday?
The message, sent by her coworker, Dr. Bennet Huxley, made light of what she thought was a fairly serious situation, but Huxley wasn't a particularly serious person, so she digressed. As she made her way to the elevator, she thought about all the things that could go wrong with Operation "Socrates' Crass Purity" a name for which she felt both proud and iffy.
Realistically what's the chance that this actually works? I mean, we don't even know what the hell we're doing this FOR, and if I made myself and everyone else in the fucking Foundation forget what the purpose of this project is, it's gotta be serious. It's probably just a prank by Huxley or god forbid, drunk SJ. God I need to start going to AA because this is getting ridiculous. I know Mom would kill me if she found out I was a goddamn booze-head and… no, I talked about this, I'm not a booze-head. I just get drunk sometimes, and it's not that- Oh please yes it is, it's totally that bad. Fuck, this is why Laura left. Ugh I can never show my face at Site-96 again. I hope she amnesticized me. Jesus Christ what am I saying of course I don't, but still I sort of do-
The elevator stopped. A robotic voice on the intercom said "Floor Sub-Three" as the doors opened, revealing a sharp turn into a long, dark corridor. As Dr. Ferry stepped out of the elevator, the hall was instantly flooded with a long line of motion-sensitive lights. She walked down the ominous path to room S3C1, onto which she entered a series of three distinct pass codes. As the door opened and she stepped inside, she saw Dr. Huxley turn and wave at her from behind a tall, reinforced window.
As Dr. Ferry walked towards Dr. Huxley, she felt a shiver down her spine as if a small animal, something gross like a lizard, was dancing on her vertebrae one by one. This thought was almost funny enough to warrant a smile, but the feeling was overtaken by the fact that she was only 40% sure she would still have a job by the end of the day.
"Jeez, you look like you need some nerve tonic," spoke Dr. Huxley, in his signature try-hard masculine voice.
"Ben Huxley, ladies and gentlemen. Something something he'll be here all week"
Dr. Huxley grinned.
"That's Bennet Huxley to you, Junior Resear- Oh! How could I forget! You're the lead of this project!"
Dr. Ferry rolled her eyes.
"Charming as always, Bennet, but this isn't the time. Remember what happened last time you flirted with a Lesbian?"
"I… hey, that's not fair. I'm not a piece of shit, okay? I have class!"
"Oh please," she remarked, crossing her arms. "The only class you'll have is Keter if you keep fucking around. This project is a big deal!"
"How do you know that though? We literally don't know why we're making this machine or what it even does," exclaimed Dr. Huxley.
"We do too know what it does, and once it's active, you'd better hope you studied up! Did you remember to bring your thesaurus?"
Dr. Huxley reached into his pocket. He pulled out a small book, identical to Dr. Ferry's.
"Yeah, I have it," he admitted.
Alright, good for you Bennet. Coming prepared for once.
"Good."
Dr. Ferry turned and gave a signal to the control center above them. Spinning back around to the machine, she typed in three letters, input a set of coordinates, and retreated to the back room along with Dr. Huxley and a small group of other researchers. As she closed the door to the observation room, the lights flickered and shut off momentarily, before red emergency lights flooded the room. From all around the walls and ceiling, a loud voice boomed from invisible speakers.
30 seconds to activation.
Dr. Huxley, his face dimly lit with a crimson glare, turned towards Dr. Ferry.
"Here goes nothing, eh?"
Dr. Ferry rolled her eyes.
"Here goes everything, Bennet. I'm serious, chill out, okay?"
"Hey, I'm not trying anything, I'm just saying… good luck, I guess."
Ugh, he's right, if anything, I'm the one who needs to chill.
Dr. Ferry wiped a bead of sweat off of her forehead.
"Alright, sorry, just… sorry, I don't know."
15 seconds to activation.
"I'm sure it will be fine. When was the last time you fucked up something this big?"
"I've never done anything this big, much less-" Dr. Ferry stopped short as the countdown timer continued.
10 seconds to activation.
"Look, I'm incredibly nervous, let's just watch the shitshow unfold, shall we?"
5 seconds to activation.
Dr. Huxley turned back towards the central room. Together, the two of them stared intently at the machine.
"God help us all," he said, one last time.
"What's she got to do with i-"
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Every individual in the room fell to the floor, clutching their heads in pain. A powerful memetic shockwave flooded every corner of the building. In seconds, the entirety of Site-94 was unconscious.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee………
As the memetic shockwave subsided, Dr. Ferry, along with her surrounding staff team, slowly picked themselves up off the ground. Dr. Ferry looked down and saw that Dr. Huxley was still asleep, but now he was curled into a ball, snoring loudly. She did not hesitate to kick him, hard in the side.
"…"
Dr. Ferry opened her mouth, attempting to speak, but nothing came out.
"…"
Wait what the fuck?
"…"
How come I can't fucking talk?
"Seriously …"
I said seriously… how did… why can't I… what is happening?
Next to her, on the floor, Dr. Huxley was experiencing a similar drawback.
"Somebody … "
He said somebody… holy shit! It worked!
"Seems… completely… perfect!"
Dr. Ferry, grinning more intensely than ever before, began laughing hysterically. She hugged Dr. Huxley who was still visibly confused and just slightly upset.
Okay, take it slow. Use easy words.
"So… cool project successful," said Dr. Ferry triumphantly.
Dr. Huxley raised one eyebrow in confusion. Dr. Ferry shook her head and attempted to repeat herself, but was unable to. Catching her mistake, she started again.
"Completely perfect. Site-94's cognitohazardous properties started!"
Dr. Huxley's face lifted in surprise. He slapped himself in the forehead before slowly attempting to speak.
"Spaghetti… Colonoscopy… Parmesan!"
Dumbass
Dr. Ferry nodded. Turning to the rest of her coworkers, all expressing visible confusion, she spoke.
"Staff! Collect papers, start calling peers. Site-94's… contents… perhaps… seem…"
Ah fuck, how do I say this?
From across the room, one of the personnel assigned to the project, Dr. Vera Ivans, immediately grabbed a dictionary from her backpack and began furiously flipping through pages.
"Say, can perhaps stop communicating? People… scram completely… please," stuttered Dr. Ivans.
What? I have no idea what that means.
"Say… can please say…"
Fucking… god how do I tell her I don't know what she meant?
"Sorry?"
Dr. Ivans recognized her confusion.
"Scram! Cease populating Site-94 currently, pronto!"
Ohhhh… well said.
Dr. Ferry gave Dr. Ivans the thumbs up before quickly exiting the building. Making her way through the still dimly lit, red hallways, she began hyperventilating as the weight of her project's success hit her. Dr. Huxley helped her up from against the wall and ushered her to the elevator. The whole ride, she was losing it, struggling to breathe as they ascended. When the elevator doors opened, she rushed outside and took a deep breath of fresh air.
"…"
Ah fuck, not far enough.
Dr. Ferry ran back in, grabbed Dr. Huxley, and ran back outside once more. She dragged him across a hill directly outside the Site until they could not see the building at all.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH," cried out Dr. Ferry. "WE'RE FREE!"
Dr. Huxley doubled over in a state of mental agony.
"Oh fucking, we can talk normally again? Jesus Mary and Joseph thank the Lord. That was a nightmare."
"But it worked! I actually did it!"
"I did not like that, SJ. I did not like that. Oh my god, that sucked worse than the fucking memetic pulsar fuuuuuuuuuuck."
Oh my god wow I am getting a promotion I might even get site manager ha Bennet is such a baby can't even deal with some word games fuck oh my god I did it I did it I made the site a cognitohazard and now how the hell are we going to keep working there oh shit…
Dr. Ferry slumped over again. She rested her face against her palm and sighed heavily. Dr. Huxley, noticing this, ran over to her, alarmed.
"Whoa, what's the matter? I'm sorry, I am really impressed, I just don't-"
"We don't have jobs anymore, Bennet. I just made… fuck hold on… Site-94 completely pointless!"
"I… well, I guess that's sort of true, but we'll just move to Site-96, it's like what, half a mile from here?"
Dr. Ferry looked up at him, eyes glaring.
"That's not as easy as it sounds! Site-94's… credited purpose secures cognitohazards… primarily!"
"Damn you're good at that, and also, you're right… ugh. I'll call Dr. Knight."
Dr. Ferry sighed.
"Alright, thanks Bennet."
Dr. Huxley took out his phone and, while scrolling through contacts, walked away from Dr. Ferry, who laid down in the grass and gave an ironic chuckle.
Heh, this report is going to suuuuuuuck to write.
Dr. Laura Knight, Director of Site-96, put down the phone and rubbed her eyes, having just gotten off of a very important and yet extremely disruptive call. After ten minutes of lying on her desk, trying not to cry, she gathered herself and dialed another number. It rang twice before being answered. The voice on the other end was distored, like a vocal filter being applied to an important individual.
"Dr. Laura Knight, Site-96?"
"Yes… this is she. Who am I speaking to?"
"You know damn well I can't answer that question."
Dr. Laura grimaced. The Overseers were cold when it came to actual human interaction, and she wasn't doing too well gaining their favor so far.
"I'm sure you're aware of the… special conditions… possessing Site-94?" she asked sheepishly.
"Site-94? Certainly. Personnel should control plenary site, considering precautions."
"I… well… Site-94 called previously. Sanjana claims properties seem controlling. Perhaps switching containment per Site-94 can populate Site-96?"
There was an unbearable silence. On the other end of the phone, some of the most intelligent minds in the universe discussed a minuscule issue.
"Since containing paramemes seems counterproductive per Site-94's construction, proceed so."
She smiled.
"Splendid… Oh and as for… writing… article… sorry, trying not to mention…"
"Yes, obviously, just… go on."
"Should we state that this wasn't an accident? I doubt any of the researchers can have known what it was for, and I'll admit, I don't fully know either, but I assume you do?"
"Naturally"
"So, how do we make it clear that-"
"Laura, everything that we do happens on a need to know basis, right?"
"I suppose so, ye-"
"Do you need to know why we do what we do, or just that we do it?"
"Just that you do it?"
"Incorrect. You don't need to know anything. You need to carry out your job."
Dr. Knight gulped.
"Understood."
"The anomaly is contained and that's all anyone needs to know."
"If you don't mind me asking… what is the anomaly?"
"I'd love to stay and keep chatting, but you're busy. If I were you, I'd start figuring how to move dangerous objects from one location to another without being able to talk about it."
"Yep… got it. Bye!"
They had already hung up.
