Joke SCPs
rating: 0+x

Give me your name.

Item #: SCP-6X662-J

Object Class: Appolyon. nuetralized

Special Containment Procedures:
SCP-6662-J, are leaves. Species vary due to the phenomenon of SCP-6662-J. When active SCP-6662-J will begin to fall, should this occur, the foundation is to enforce SCP-0000-J, ending SCP-6662-J and killing it. SCP-0000-J is a procedure. All Foundation sites are to initiate lockdown and allow the until SCP-6662-J are finished falling.

Description: SCP-6662-J, is a lesser god. Appearance varies due to the phenomenon of SCP-6662-J. Each individual case is flat. Extensive Foundation research has discovered what happens to instances of SCP-6662-J before falling, energy used by SCP-6662-Js' combines water from the soil and carbon dioxide gas from the air to make sugar. Oxygen is released during this process a process called Respiration. The leaf acts almost like a solar panel for attracting energy from the sun.

Addendum:

SCP-6662-J are leaves. Discovery was due to the phenomenon of SCP-6662-J. An instance of SCP-6662-J landed on Dr. Qwerty windshield. After, Dr.Qwerty immediately notified foundation personnel, Mobile task forces Alpha-1(The red right hand) were unable to save Dr. Qwerty from his stupidity.

Interviewed: Instance of SCP-XXXX-J.

Interviewer: Dr. Qwerty

Foreword: Instance of SCP-XXXX-J taken into custody for harsh and naughty interrogation.

<Begin Log >

Dr.Qwerty: Boy, do I love chicken strips. Sometimes, when I’m home alone, I’ll take some chicken strips fresh out of the oven and rub them in my scalp. It doesn’t do much for my hair health, but I like the way they feel running through my strands of hair. The flakey coating, smooth white meat, and warmth. Yum.

SCP-6662-J: [Silence.]

Dr. Qwerty: AAaAAAAA nOM noM MMmMmm DeLICoUS

nOM nOm nAOAYMO MAOMMMM MMMMMM I LOUVE ASs gREEn gLOVES YuM

SCP-6662-J: [Silence]

Dr. Qwerty: [ Screeches audibly.] Ghost sex how do it work?

SCP-6662-J: [Silence]

Dr.Qwerty: Who ended the world!? Was it you you little bitch!!?

SCP-6662-J: [Silence]

Dr.Qwerty: [Begins to roll up sleeves and rubs arms in tanning oil pats ass cheeks.] Come catch these hands, boy. Come on speak! You did it before![Dr. Qwerty drinks tanning oil. Dr. Qwerty reches and passes out 20 minutes after.]

[Dr.Qwerty wakes back up and carries on interrogation, the reason for the removal of clothes 15 minutes after is unknown.]

SCP-6662-J: [puddle from Dr.Qwerty spraying SCP-6662-J opens on the table.]

Dr.Qwerty: I see you sweating Yeah! that's what I want! [Dr. Qwerty spits on SCP-6662-J] Yeah. Let's see what you do now.

<End Log>

Closing Statement: Dr.Qwerty was escorted out as he had stayed after-hours and was nude screaming at leaves, and had consumed 3 ounces of tanning lotion.

Memo SCP-SCP-6X662-J
Doctor Qwerty has been suspended from all research projects. Anyone spotting Dr.Qwerty within proximity of Site-67 is to report trespassing to site director and security personnel.

Memo -6X662-J/Qwerty.


Memo#234

arrives on site with a bag of crows wings.

Broken mirrors. Broken mirrors. Flood damage. Free Twinkies. I am here you are there can you see me? I give to you a peel. A peel that is yellow. I fly away. Away from this. Banana

The subject is taken into custody.

Thank you.

"—So, our defenses are capable, mostly of defending against, threats of all kinds instead of memetic, and metanarrative. But that is what the pata physics department is for most."

"Yes," said Sam the assertion making her scoff,"And they can't even do it right. That's total hogwash."

"Excuse me," said Maria Cortez."But there really is no way to handle meta-entities."

"You mean text-based lifeforms. They're alive."

"No. there not."

"Of course they, are because they certainly don't exist. If they claim to be written as fiction. They should be no better than us. But I digress. You're not on that level of principle yet. So the way you all would go about it is different."

Draven speaks up." Dr. Rose,"

"I'm fine. I can do this. Now who should I choose. How about SCP-3999?"

Dr. Moose fluttered her eyes, out of everything she chooses something so abstract?

"The philosopher Descartes, surmised that this reality was comprised of some evil genius, as good as god was, this demon was it’s equal. I don’t believe this to be the case. A demon perhaps. But not a genius.”

“What then do you think—” says Maria Cortez.

“Simple. It’s core luring concept. Hubris. The perceived fact that the universe would hinge onto one so insignificant, feeds its existence. Keyword existence. Now we must actually determine what it actually is. Release.”

“So we attack that then!”

“No. Nothing that reckless. We attack the real principle of its Idea. Can we be certain of anything? But to make sure that logical conclusion isn’t created by the being, make sure to ask it why. ”

“Why what?”

Sam a bit weary and downtrodden, explained.“Why they exist. How they do what they do. If they can’t explain. Their nothing to worry about. If they can explain slightly. Caution. If they can explain to the fullest extent. Highest priority. Let them live the most. However, If they do all of this at once… don’t execute all these standards at all.”

“Why wouldn't we show caution!?”

Sam couldn’t restrain herself from the need to help this poor lost soul: “It prolongs the grace period!”Sam blurts out." Tell me if your thoughts are" I am no longer on the journey beside the man who clutched my hand, his eyes imploring me to chase death. If you keep chasing him, who knows where you'll end up in the future? Was that your mindset? That’s all well and good, but use more caution!"

There was a brief collapse in the noise around them.

“We go in with hardly anything on us?” says Moose blinking away the utter shock, and the bafflement.

“ A bit of advice my brother gave me, “the discretion of preparation is paramount in a case where the defendant has the option of scoping out any extra steps you make.” In other words, you want to be as spontaneous and improvising as possible. Humanities' best weapon, in this case, is its massive unpredictability factor, an ironic and subtle hint, that most higher beings tend not to pick up on. Unless they were human inwhich case, they will almost always forget.”

"Now, I want SCP-314 placed within a Hyper-Energy Hive. I Will also have the SCP-1591, "Fallen Star" I'll harvest and study for it's light absorbing properties. SCP-1968, I'll repair with the Hourglass of Infinitum—"

"Wait, bitch! We can't remove two of those from containment." said Light, the woman was loud enough to hear through the entire door," And what is a Hourglass of Infinitum?

"Where I store my Grains of Infinity. Seem to be a major crafting component. The elementary particle aspect seems to retain Omnipresence by definition, giving it a major upper hand to anything it's fighting. Granular composition maintains infinitesimal properties, only within dimensionality.Pata-particles I also time travel, hop universes, if you can say that."Sam explained.

"Excuse me? Pardon me."Intervened Dr. Trebuchet,"But you had filled in for me, had you not?"

"Yeah, about that. Mind explaining yourself? If you can't deliver, appoint someone else. Don't depend on some else who can't."

"I run my department!"Dr. Trebuchet justified.

“I’m sorry, but did I ask for your excuse? So do I, infact, I couph up blood every morning from screaming at idiots like you. Mind telling me whats your reason for not showing up?”

“I was… slept in…, on purpose, I’m a researcher, not a—”

Sam sighs,”I understand. But what do you think we're here for!? Are you that negligent!?”

“Why? Can’t they do this them—”

“Still gotta do it. Dr. Light, say a bumble bee fucking a butterfly triggers you? Would you still not swat them?”

"Huh. excuse me?"

"Either way the thing is dead or still around to spread it's effect."

“You… I agree,"said Dr. Trebucet." but there is a limit. Why do you do this?”

“Because, while people run and hide, no one else left, who's gonna chase the monsters who do the same to us? If we're gonna stay in a perpetual loop, we might as well let our selves down in style while we're at it!”

“Even I see the dangers in that,”said Moose."You seem, Highly illogical, for one of the most scientific-"

“And I haven’t? If your not ready to do it alone yet, acknowledge your flaws. Or, burden others with them. Simple as that. And you expect to fight the unreasonable with logic, and simple explanations?"

It then dawned on Sam, that she was surrounded by to many high-ranking doctors. Potential allies. Probable distractions. Extra effort to maintain herself. Draven read the atmosphere and checked on her, Sam expression was so blank that it made her gaze eerie.

Sophia was alurred at first, but up close, the girl was a familiar sight. She would assume her skin to be golden, but it was pale as chalk and clammy. Her lips were bitten. The girl definitely needed help with some self-care. Dravens' presence was definitely needed. Yes. She'd consider her a girl. Given how young her mind seemed to work overlooking danger.

"Dr.Rose. My name is Agatha Rights, I am—"

Sam immediately stood,"Sam, and my occupation is your mom." her meltdown, detached attachment was beginning to start, Reality was beginning to disconnect, but Draven wasn't about to let it the conversation end. She needed this.

"How old are you"

"28. Why?" he answered.

"I have someone who wants to meet you."

"And I said I had things I needed to do."Sam said coldly. Wishing she'd just stop talking to her. She just wants to leave. But then their words rang clear in her head. "Endure." Sams gaze met back at Dravens, at his long look, she backed away from the door that she some how found her self by.

Sam stood."I don't even need people like you… I'm enough.”

"An entire lake outside the site has no water."

"No fucking shit. Get back to work."She said back to authoritative perfection." Draven I'll be fine for now, let's get something to eat."Sam walked out and slammed the door.

"Are we handing the functions over to a 15-year-old?" said Trebucket.

"She has slight reactive detachment and aspergers. Excuse me a moment."

For as long as she lives she swore to keep them in these walls for their own protection. In any way possible. If it meant shoving her self in one of these cells, (as if the one she built of her own apathy wasn't enough.) she would do it. Because she knew, not everyone was happy being free. It cannot exist without tolerating the compromise. Love was, and is, has always been an inside job. Wasn't it? Then why was it so hard for her and easy for everyone else? She hated them hated herself.

Knowing of her existence doesn't make the knowledge she gives any more grandiose.

Draven pulled her away from the random researcher she had chosen to antagonize,"Quit that!"

She slapped him straight across the face,"Why'd you bring all those people there. Special ones too!"

"You need to be socialized with people who fit your degree of experience, I figured this was what you needed, it was."