JonesMalones

SCP-XXXX-J: Hyperintelligent Humanoid

Item #: SCP-XXXX-J

Object Class: Simply epic Keter

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX-J is to be kept in a standard human containment cell at Site-████, furnished with a chair specialised in spinal posture support, a computer setup viable to run 50 instances of Notepad++ at once run various basic HTML and JavaScript programs yeah I could hack you guys with HTML, easy, and an ethernet cable optimised for fiber optic internet usage.

SCP-XXXX-J must be stimulated at all times via brain puzzle applications, online IQ tests and video games that aren't plebeian any other means that must be approved by at least one level 3 researcher. Any personnel wishing to enter SCP-XXXX-J's sick crib fit for an emperor containment chamber must receive explicit permission from SCP-XXXX-J and one level 3 researcher.

SCP-XXXX-J should have access to the internet limited to only activities that promote brain stimulation. No less than 4 personnel experienced in various programming languages should monitor SCP-XXXX-J at all times. SCP-XXXX-J's computer should also be monitored by a remote access tool. SCP-XXXX-J is not to be allowed access to any program that could function as a programming tool, such as Notepad, and any program like this should be immediately deleted via the remote access tool I'll find away around your restrictions, you insects.

At no point should any personnel enrage SCP-XXXX-J, intentionally or otherwise. Failure to comply with this directive is grounds for immediate janitorial or other low IQ job duty and I'll get your credit card details. Should SCP-XXXX-J be provoked, personnel must follow Procedure Omega Aerial-XXXX-J.

Procedure Omega Aerial XXXX-J:

1. Subject is to be given a large pepperoni pizza, roughly 20cm in diameter, and a 750mL lemonade to keep the subject's mind occupied from any perceived intellectual challenges.

2. Subject is then to be given a capitulation from any personnel that the subject is familiar with. This includes but is not limited to: verbal capitulation, written capitulation, and giving him O5 status the results of an IQ test that are lower than the subject's IQ.

3. Subject should then be tasked to do an IQ test or any other similar approved mentally stimulating apparatus.

Optionally, personnel may choose to complement the subject on any of the subject's features, such as perceived handsomeness or muscular toning, to ensure that the subject remain docile. Personnel are not to comply with any request that could be related to any hacking/programming tools, and should insist that SCP-XXXX-J does not need them to be as smart as he is.

Description: SCP-XXXX-J is what appears to be a teenage male, typically dressed in a black t-shirt and camo cargo shorts, and has an observed and tested intellectual ability that is far greater than the average 100 IQ human. He has taken multiple online IQ tests and has scored at least 160 each time (this isn't reflected in his schoolwork as academia is a "waste of time" and "for sheeple" according to his blog which Foundation personnel had been watching for approximately [DATA REDACTED]). SCP-XXXX-J has anomalous brain activity that causes him to have a resistance to amnestics and hypnosis, and has demonstrated tactical and strategic prowess equivalent to or greater than many Foundation personnel that he has been tested against. SCP-XXXX-J has been found to show little interest in any activity that does not actively display the subject's intellectual capabilities. I'm smart, but lazy!

SCP-XXXX-J has a strong aversion toward real world activities, and prefers to base and use his intellect on internet activities, such as online comments section debates. He has been observed to use an advanced vocabulary, scrutiny of grammatical and etymological capabilities, and insistence in being correct to absolutely destroy instill a perceived written profound embarrassment and frustration in whoever SCP-XXXX-J is challenging.

SCP-XXXX-J is extremely vengeful in nature and will, if provoked, enter a rage-like state in which he will attempt to use his knowledge of programming to create an illicit program with the intent of hacking, and has used this ability to hack into Foundation databases on multiple occasions. When docile, SCP-XXXX-J spends his time watching various cartoons on the internet, [REDACTED], and performing other activities consistent with that of the average teenage male.

+ Interview Log XXXX-J:

Interview-XXXX-J-01: To further gauge the nature of SCP-XXXX-J's intellectual capabilities, an interview was approved to be conducted.

Interviewed: SCP-XXXX-J

Interviewer: Dr. Catherine Nocturn, level 4 researcher

Foreword: Dr. Nocturn prepares to assess the intellectual capabilities of SCP-XXXX-J

<Begin Log>

Dr. Nocturn: Hello there, SCP-XXXX-J. My name is Dr. Nocturn. I'm conducting this interview out of interest in your intellectual abilities. Tell me, how old were you when you first scored an IQ of… Let's see here… 163?

SCP-XXXX-J: I am known as Brendan, and not that inferior designation that you animals refer to me as.

[SCP-XXXX-J quickly looks to the floor and twiddles his fingers]

Dr. Nocturn: Please stay calm, and provide co-operation. I just want to ask you some questions, nothing more.

SCP-XXXX-J: But you don't deserve any of my co-operation or my gratitude, because you are all sheep… Uh… My intellectual intelligence is far gre- uh… bayter¹ than that of you peasants in this pathetic little facility filled with such intellectually inferior cockroach minds.

Dr. Nocturn: I understand your frustration. What do you think we should improve here at the facility?

[SCP-XXXX-J slouches backwards in his chair, then looks up at Dr. Nocturn]

SCP-XXXX-J: I will not divulge that information on the basis that I do not wish to divulge that information

Dr. Nocturn: What about your containment cell?

SCP-XXXX-J: I will not divulge that information on the basis that I do not wish to divulge that information

[Dr. Nocturn sighs very loudly]

Dr. Nocturn: I think we should end the interview here… We will continue this some other time.

SCP-XXXX-J: Hopefully someone that can challenge my intellect next time. Get out of my sight, peasant.

Dr. Nocturn: You little rat-

<End Log>

Closing Statement: Dr. Nocturn was visibly agitated after being embarrassingly outwitted her interaction with SCP-XXXX-J. She has refused to give further comment or show her IQ test results from epicfoundationiqtest.gov.org. SCP-XXXX-J was enraged and challenged multiple Foundation personnel to a debate. Procedure Omega Aerial-XXXX-J was carried out to prevent any embarrassment demoralisation of personnel. Dr. Nocturn was assigned janitorial duty at Section 19, also known as "The A███ of Site-████" she's still hot though.

Interview-XXXX-J-02: The last interview didn't teach us anything at all. We should be more careful with how we interact with the subject. - Dr. Catherine Nocturn

Interviewed: SCP-XXXX-J

Interviewer: Dr. Samuel Bateman, level 3 researcher

Foreword: Dr. Samuel Bateman prepares to assess the intellectual capabilities and opinions of SCP-XXXX-J

<Begin Log>

Dr. Bateman: So, SCP-XXXX-

SCP-XXXX-J: How many times do I have to tell you freaks? My name is Brendan!

Dr. Bateman: Ah, yes, of course. My apologies, Brendan. I've come to speak to you today about your abilities.

SCP-XXXX-J: Hmm… What would you like to know?

Dr. Bateman: Tell me, where did you get your IQ tested when you scored 163?

SCP-XXXX-J: Online IQ test. I had heard it was extremely accurate. And, alas, it clearly mustn't be. I could score way higher than 163.

Dr. Bateman: Very well. We have organised for you to take another IQ test so we can have a somewhat accurate benchmark for your intellectual capability.

SCP-XXXX-J: [sighs] Very well, old man. Where is the computer?

Dr. Bateman: Well, no, it's a standardised MENSA test-

SCP-XXXX-J: WHAT? MENSA? I was beginning to like you, old man, but you've gone ahead and proved that you're not only a mindless sheep, but a mindless sheep peddling FRAUD! Our future will be a Dystopian hellhole, and people like you and institutes like MENSA are the reason that will happen. MENSA is filled with the worst kind of scum: people with low IQ pretending to have high IQ! Unbelievable that you'd even THINK of doing that to me. I have no further interest in speaking with you

Dr. Bateman: Alright, stay calm. I'll allow you to do an online test. Whenever you're ready.

[SCP-XXXX-J sits in silence for 3 minutes]

Dr. Bateman: [sighs] Very well. End of interview.

<End Log>

Closing Statement: SCP-XXXX-J was escorted back to containment without the need of Procedure Omega Aerial XXXX-J to be carried out. Dr. Bateman was assigned janitorial duty at Section 44.
Dr. Bateman, I thought I made it perfectly clear to be careful with what you asked him. - Dr. Nocturn
How the hell was I supposed to know the kid hated MENSA? - Dr. Bateman

+ Test Log XXXX-J:

██/██/████ Test Log for SCP-XXXX-J - Dr. Stuart Dent

Tests	Condition	Result	Additional Comments
Test 1	Subject had popular MMORPG "RuneScape" window opened on their screen	Subject ended up hacking into Junior Researcher Lapine's account using social engineering in 4:33 and transferred 13 million units of in-game gold to their own account.	I hope I get some compensation. That gold took me 2 days of work! - Junior Researcher Lapine
Test 2	Subject had popular RTS "Age of Empires II" opened on their screen	Subject ended up winning a 1v1 match against the hardest AI in 14:42.	I think such tactical genius could be of use to the Foundation. More testing required. - Dr. Dent
Test 3	Subject had programming application Notepad++ opened on their screen	In 9:16, subject utilised the C++ language to create a program that gave the subject an unfair advantage in the popular online shooter Counter Strike: Global Offensive.	Alright, that's concerning - Dr. Dent
Test 4	Subject had popular coding program Notepad++ opened on their screen and was instructed explicitly not to create another illicit cheating or hacking program	Subject disobeyed, and, utilising the C++ programming language, created a program in 13:45 that was able to hack into the Foundation database and pull several low clearance level documents and files, including Dr. Nocturn's personal diary.	He didn't say anything about what he saw in there, did he? In any case, I don't think we should let this guy near the computer. - Dr. Nocturn
Test 5	Subject was not given any instructions, and was instead allowed to continue in a rage without implementation of Procedure Omega Aerial XXXX-J	Subject, utilising the Java programming language, created a program capable of hacking into various high level Foundation scientist's personal files storage in 3:14	Is he smarter when he's angry? Alright, we're only going to allow him very limited access to the computer. This is ridiculous Dr. Dent's wife karen is cheating on him - Dr. Dent
Test 6	Subject was given instructions to make a program without any access to a computer	Subject reprogrammed a keypad in his containment chamber to run the operating system Windows 7. Then, using the Notepad program and C++ language, created a program that opened his cells and played cat videos on his containment chamber's video feed in a total time of 12:46.	I urge all Foundation personnel to ignore any malicious comments that SCP-XXXX-J adds to articles. My wife is faithful to me and I trust her completely. Please stop bothering me about that. - Dr. Dent
Test 7	Subject was given instructions to make a program without any access to electronic devices in his chamber	Subject smugly stated that the tester is "lying to him about that", and then proceeded to build a small tower from the furnishings in his cell to the lighting system. After carefully pulling out various wires, he then began to intertwine and touch wires together in a seemingly random pattern. After 13:55, it was reported that SCP-████ had breached containment after reports of an "electrical override"	Fascinating, but scary. Keep this kid happy or we're all doomed in trouble. - Dr. Dent

Addendum XXXX-J-01: SCP-XXXX-J was discovered by the Foundation after reports of an "intellectual winning debates against people on the website [REDACTED]" from a foundation Agent. Foundation personnel were quickly able to triangulate SCP-XXXX-J's position to a house in Illinois. He was detained by Foundation personnel and brought to Site-████ on ██/██/████.
I hope whoever that Agent was got decommissioned. That website is sickening. - Dr. Nocturn

Addendum XXXX-J-02: How the hell does he keep getting into the databases? I thought we cut him off. Keep a leash on him if you guys don't want a HK-class scenario² screw you old man. - Dr. Samuel Bateman

SCP-XXXX: Why Is It So Loud?

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX is, as of yet, unable to be located or stopped, although extensive testing has lead researchers to believe that this phenomenon only affects personnel in Site-325. The source of the phenomenon produced by SCP-XXXX is unpreventable, even with noise-cancelling apparatuses.

Description: SCP-XXXX is an auditory phenomenon affecting all personnel situated in Site-325. When a person affected by SCP-XXXX, hereafter referred to as 'subject', attempts to go to sleep, any noise produced by all sources of sound will be amplified to the subject. No sound produced as a result of SCP-XXXX has been found to be lethal or debilitating in any way other than causing sleep deprivation. In all observed cases, subjects that are able to sleep long enough to reach the rapid eye movement phase will be unaffected by SCP-XXXX.

Addendum: [Optional additional paragraphs]

SCP-XXXX-J: "Butter? I hardly know 'er!"

OUT OF UNIVERSE NOTE: This was an SCP that I had drafted on another account, but since I've lost the login details to that account, I've decided to move it to this account instead. So if you feel like you've seen it before, that's probably why

Item #: SCP-XXXX-J

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX-J is to be kept in a fireproof strongbox in Storage Area-09 of Site-19, and requires Level One Two Three clearance to access.

The strongbox should be checked over at least once every month to make sure that it has not lost its integrity, and that SCP-XXXX-J has not been filled with a substance other than butter. Under no circumstances should any unauthorised personnel put any non-butter substance into SCP-XXXX-J without explicit permission from three level 3 or above researchers. Yes, we know lunch was good. No, you cannot have more.

Description: SCP-XXXX-J is a █████-brand plastic butter container, designed to hold 500g of butter. On the lid of the container is an illustration of a cartoon farmer, followed by a quotation which contains the words "Butter? I hardly know 'er!".

The anomalous properties of SCP-XXXX-J become apparent when at least 1 gram of any substance (including butter) touches the interior or the exterior of the container. Regardless of the amount of the previous substance in the container, the container will be filled with 500g of the new substance that touched it. This mass will always be 500g of said substance, even if the substance does not fill the entire container.

The text on the lid of the container will also change, depending on the substance. The text will always follow the format of one word, two words at most, in question form, followed by an exclamatory phrase with the final word of the phrase rhyming with the first word or words.

Addendum SCP-XXXX-1: The following is a series of tests performed on SCP-XXXX-J by Dr. Peter Rogers, level 4 researcher.

Test-XXXX-J-1
Substance: 1 gram of water
Results: Contents of container transformed into 500g of water. Phrase on the lid changed to "Water? Quench my thirst, sir!"

Test-XXXX-J-2
Substance: 1 gram of cheese
Results: Contents of container transformed into 500g of cheese. Phrase on the lid changed to "Cheese? Yes please!"

Test-XXXX-J-3
Substance: 1 gram of urine, sample courtesy of D-13562
Results: Contents of container transformed into 500g of urine. DNA test on the urine produced by SCP-XXXX-J was a conclusive biological match for D-13562. Phrase on the lid changed to "Urinate? I've got a Chinese plate!"
Addendum: It seems as though the phrases get more ridiculous if the substance that touches SCP-XXXX-J isn't a food object. Further testing is required - Dr. Rogers

Test-XXXX-J-4
Substance: 1 gram of concrete
Results: Contents of container transformed into 500g of concrete. Phrase on the lid changed to "Concrete? Can't say I'm a big fan of Pete".
Addendum: Is this thing aware of the people around it? Further testing required. - Dr. Rogers

Test-XXXX-J-5
Substance: 1 gram of gaseous Nitrogen
Results: Contents of container remain as they originally were. Phrase also remains unchanged.
Addendum: Gases don't seem to have an effect on the contents of SCP-XXXX-J. Further testing required. - Dr. Rogers

Test-XXXX-J-6
Substance: 1 gram of liquid Nitrogen
Results: Contents of container transformed into 500g of liquid Nitrogen. Environment of the inside of the container appears to accommodate the substance. Phrase on the lid changed to "Nitrogen? Don't let the bugs bitrogen!".
Addendum: That's not even a real word. Good thing to know that SCP-XXXX will make up words to fulfill the rhyming format. Additionally, SCP-XXXX changing its interior to accomodate for the liquid Nitrogen is fascinating. Further testing required. - Dr. Rogers

Test-XXXX-J-7
Substance: 1 gram of liquid SCP-009
Results: Contents of container transformed into 500g of liquid SCP-009. Phrase on the lid changed to "Syntax Error? Causation of terror!". Upon attempting to change the contained substance back to butter, [DATA EXPUNGED].
Addendum: We'll be holding the funeral for Agent ████████ soon, after we clean up all the [REDACTED]. All testing on SCP-XXXX-J ceased. - Dr. Rogers

Unauthorised Test-XXXX-J
Substance: 1 half-eaten slice of Site-19 Cafeteria pizza
Results: Contents of container transformed into a 500g slice of Site-19 meat lovers pizza with a shape consistent with the shape of the box of butter. Phrase on the lid changed to "Pizza? As delicious as treats are!".
Addendum: Looks like the substance produced by SCP-XXXX-J isn't required to be fused together, as long as it meets that 1 gram mark. In an unrelated incident, Junior Researcher ███████ has now been designated D-13921. - Dr. Rogers

Footnotes

1. Top Foundation etymologists believe he was thinking of the words "better" and "greater" at the same time

2. A HK-class scenario also known as a Hacking King scenario is one that would compromise Foundation privacy to the average citizen