Laneous4

TO WRITE:

  • Mars Opportunity Memorial
  • Girl that photos/paintings of her disappear to a dimension the inhabitants of which then begin worshiping that girl.
  • -J about a guy who's probably Satan.

Destroyed store for video pirate thing: https://dod.defense.gov/Photos/Photo-Gallery/igphoto/2001298885/

The King of Joy Offers His Solution

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Safe Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: Entry into the basement level of St. Ren Medical Center is to be restricted. Individuals entering this area are to be apprehended and placed under the custody of local police. SCP-XXXX-1 instances are to be relocated to Foundation Sites and relegated into D-Class terminated, kidneys are to be removed and incinerated upon termination.

Description: SCP-XXXX is an intensive care room in the basement level of St. Ren Medical Center, located in ██████, Iowa. Several thaumaturgic summoning glyphs have been painted on the walls and floor of SCP-XXXX using blood and urine, along with the phrase "THE KING OF JOY OFFERS HIS SOLUTION" being scrawled across the right wall. As a believed effect of these symbols, approximately every 14 days, a nude Caucasian male will spontaneously manifest within SCP-XXXX, designated SCP-XXXX-1.

SCP-XXXX-1 instances all speak crude, basic English and identify by the name "Felix Rego". SCP-XXXX-1 instances cannot remember their past before manifestation. SCP-XXXX-1 are behaviorally docile and uncharacteristically optimistic upon manifestation. SCP-XXXX-1 instances all possess a surgical scar horizontally across the front of their torso.

Approximately 13 days after manifestation, one of the kidneys of SCP-XXXX-1 instances will be ejected from the surgical scar, still internally attached through the renal hilum. The renal cortex and renal capsule will then split open, and begin to rapidly grow around the SCP-XXXX-1 instance into a larger kidney shaped organic mass. Other internal components of the kidney stay functional.

The renal cortex will then begin to excrete high quantities of an aqueous substance composed of various nutrients, opiates and hallucinogenic drugs. This occurs until the entire mass has been filled with the substance. SCP-XXXX-1 instances remain alive during this process, but are immediately terminated upon removal from the mass.

Addendum XXXX-1: SCP-XXXX was discovered after the arrest of Herman Leann, a transplant surgeon, for possible involvement in illegal organ harvesting rings, after ██ organs used in kidney transplants were determined to not have a transcribed source. During a police sweep of the hospital complex, SCP-XXXX was located, along with several deceased instances of SCP-XXXX-1. Evidence found suggests Leann was responsible for the creation of SCP-XXXX. Deceased instances were found terminated via the surgical removal of one or both kidneys.






Probably Satan

Item #: SCP-6667-J

Object Class: Definitely Keter

Special Containment Procedures: No containment is currently necessary. Proper containment procedures will be drafted when Level 4 Researcher Stan Eams can provide concrete evidence of SCP-6667-J's anomalous properties.

Description: SCP-6667-J is Site-14 Janitor Nate Mass, who according to Level 4 Researcher Stan Eams, is the biblical depiction of "Satan". Further anomalous properties exhibited by SCP-6667-J according to Eams due to its nature include:

  • Having a "very pointy" pitchfork1.
  • The ability to control fire2.
  • Laughing too evilly3.
  • Transmutation into a human form.
  • "Overall Satan-ness".

Addendum 6667-J-1: The following are attempts made by Eams to discover concrete evidence of SCP-6667-J's anomalous properties.

[BEGIN LOG]

Eams: Ok, this is Level 4 Researcher Stan Eams, I'm in a uh, UPS Truck, and I'm heading to this, "Nate Mass" guy's home right now. I've gotta pretty great trap that's sure to catch any Satan.

(Eams stops at SCP-6667-J's off-site home. After which, he takes a package out of the truck and walks towards front door of the home. Eams knocks.)

SCP-6667-J: (Opens the door.) Oh uh, I don't think I ordered anything, you-

Eams: Are you sure? I've got one package here for a "Satan", are you sure you aren't him?

SCP-6667-J: Uh, yeah, I'm pretty sure.

Eams: C'mon Satan, it's a box of virgin blood. I know how much you like virgin blood!

SCP-6667-J: What the- wait, Stan is that you?

Eams: Uh, um, no, this is one, (Pause.) guy not with that name.

SCP-6667-J: I know it's you Stan, did you, did you actually fill that box with virgin blood?

Eams: Uh, (Eams shakes the box, the box sloshes.) That's a good question.

(Pause.)
SCP-6667-J: Well uh, have fun finding, "Santa" or whoever. (Closes the door.)

Eams: WAIT! When he said "yeah, I'm pretty sure" was he saying that he was pretty sure he was Satan!?

[END LOG]

[BEGIN LOG]

Eams: Ok, Level, Level 3 Researcher Stan Eams here, I have a new plan, and I'm positive this one will work.

(Eams walks to the Site Cafeteria, SCP-6667-J is attempting to mop up the constantly growing green chili stain on the floor4 as Eams walks in.)

Eams: ATTENTION! EVERYONE! IF YOU ARE SATAN RAISE YOUR HAND!

(Nobody raises their hand.)

Eams: Fuck.

[END LOG]

[BEGIN LOG]

Eams: Hey, uh, it's, (Sighs.) Level 2 Researcher, Stan Eams, and I think I've made another break in the case, you see, I was playing Scrabble with, well, with myself and I found out something extremely insane!!!!1[sic]!! Ok well, Satan's right outside in the hall right now, so I'm going to go confront him.

(Eams exits his room, walks towards SCP-6667-J.)

SCP-6667-J: Oh hey, Stan, were you at my house a while b-

Eams: Uh, no, I, I don't believe in houses, well, I know who you are Nate!

SCP-6667-J: Uh, Ok?

Eams: Ok so, (Eams produces a sack of lettered tiles from the board game Scrabble and dumps the tiles on the ground. He then rearranges several of the tiles to say "NATE MASS") Ok so, this is your "name" right?

SCP-6667-J: Man, I just cleaned these floors.

Eams: Well you have these letters, and you uh, you can, (Eams rearranges "NATE MASS" into "MES SATAN".) see?

SCP-6667-J: I, I don't think "mes" is correct grammar man.

Eams: I'm still working out the kinks, would you be willing to change you last name to "Mas"?

SCP-6667-J: No? (SCP-6667-J begins mopping up the Scrabble tiles.)

Eams: YOU CAN CLEAN MY EVIDENCE BUT YOU CAN NEVER CLEAN MY SPIRIT!

[END LO-

SCP-6667-J: Wait hold on just a second, Your name is Stan Eams right?

Eams: Uh, yes?

SCP-6667-J: Well, doesn't "Stan Eams" anagram to "Mes Satan" too?

(Pause.)

Eams: DRATS! I HAVE BEEN FOILED LIKE A LEFTOVER SLICE OF LASAGNA! I, SATANTM[sic] WILL DESTROY YOU ALL, STARTING WITH YOOOOOOUUUUU-

(SCP-6667-J hits Eams with his mop.)

Eams: FOOLISH FOOL YOU THINK A, A FOOLISH FOOL MOP SHALL STOP SATANTM[sic]? I WILL DESTROY YOUR BLOODLINE yadda yadda BABY SACRIFICE yadda yadda VISCERAL PANCAKE yadda yadda ARTIFICIAL CHEESE SUBSTITUTE FOR ALL ETERNITY!!!!

SCP-6667-J: Are you Ok?

Eams: I AM MORE THAN OK! I AM THE GOD OF-, uh, THE GUY WHO IS BAD! I WILL EAT THIS PLANET LIKE A CUPCAKE-

(SCP-6667-J hits Eams with his mop again, Eams is knocked unconscious.)

SCP-6667-J: Looks like I, mopped the floor with him.

[END LOG]

Footnotes