LettuceDeity's first SCP

Item # xxxx

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures:
SCPxx is to be given sleeping quarters fitted with a table, paper, writing materials and hidden microphones. Each of SCPxx’s shirts must also contain one hidden microphone, which is to be activated whenever SCPxx leaves its quarters. Anything that is said, written or drawn by SCPxx must be recorded and uploaded to the “SCPxx-record.file” database, along with a brief summary of the circumstances surrounding the quote. Any entries to this database which appear to contain important information (as judged by at least 2 senior researchers) must also be copied to Addendum-C of this page.

Description:
SCPxx is a Caucasian male of moderate build with a strong Irish accent. SCPxx’s general appearance suggests that it is about thirty years of age, although the Foundation has been unable to verify this. All head hair belonging to SCPxx is a uniform shade of dark grey. This colouration applies to all new hair growing from the subject’s scalp, but does not affect the subject’s facial hair or body hair.
On the left ankle of SCPxx is a skin discolouration of the exact same shade as the subject’s hair. This mark forms the shape of a large hand grabbing the subject’s leg from behind.
The anomalous properties of SCPxx are evident whenever the subject tries to communicate in any manner. SCPxx appears to be almost always incapable of correctly relaying information to observers. This phenomenon has been observed occurring throughout all the Foundation’s attempts to interview SCPxx, including instances in which SCPxx was asked to speak, write, mime, use code, or otherwise gesture with body movements. Occasionally SCPxx will provide a statement that makes contextual and logical sense, but these utterances do not typically reveal any information that is not already known or evident.¹
On several occasions, SCPxx has used words and phrases which suggest a passing knowledge of Foundation items and procedures. Examples include the terms "containment", "D-class", "retrograde amnestics" and "Keter", all of which were spoken by SCPxx with a typical lack of contextual meaning. Four other noteworthy phrases have been used by SCPxx: they are recorded as "preuclid", "mirknuvian", "anti-memetic" and "zenobringan sled". If these latter words possess any actual meaning, it is currently unknown to the Foundation.
SCPxx has been questioned several times since its capture. Each of these interview attempts has resulted in an inconsistent and unhelpful collection of illogical answers. The following log has been included to give an example of SCPxx's anomaly at work.

Interview log SCPxx-7 (15/05/2026)
Interviewed: SCPxx
Interviewer: Junior Researcher Jeremy Kinroy
Begin Log 14:06

Interviewer: Good afternoon, SCPxx. How are you today?
SCPxx: I’m hungry.
Interviewer: You had lunch an hour ago, so I'll assume you don't mean that. Now, I believe this is the eighth time you've sat this interview, so you —
SCPxx: Get up with it.
Interviewer: Get…? Oh, of course. Very well then: please state your full name.
SCPxx: Norace Horgratium. (SCPxx shakes its head.)
Interviewer: What is your date of birth?
SCPxx: February thirtieth, two A.D.
Interviewer: I see. Can you tell me where you were born?
SCPxx: No.
Interviewer: Please try for the recording.
SCPxx: I was born in a small puddle called Limbo, located in western China.
Interviewer: Your accent would suggest that you grew up in Ireland. Is that correct?
SCPxx: The ire of the land is as nothing next to the ties of those that bet on words.
Interviewer: Were you born In Ireland, yes or no?
SCPxx: Unproductive.
Interviewer: I’m sorry?
SCPxx: This tournament is a farce of uselessness.
Interviewer: You may feel that way, but the more data we collect the more chance we have of finding a way to help you. Were you born in Ireland?
SCPxx: I'm not a leprechaun.
Interviewer: That's… What caused the discolouration of your hair and your left ankle?
SCPxx: Pigments.
Interviewer: Can you be more specific?
SCPxx: Grey pigments.
Interviewer: …Alright. Let’s move on to your condition.
SCPxx: What condition? (SCPxx puts a hand over its mouth and motions for Researcher Kinroy to continue.)
Interviewer: Please describe to me, as best you can, what is causing you to say things you don’t mean.
SCPxx: They exist. They swim. They slither through dreams and stroke my flesh.
Interviewer: Who are “they”?
SCPxx: Nobody whatsoever.
Interviewer: On the date of your capture, a mobile phone in your possession was used to call a highly classified number. Were you the one that dialled that number?
SCPxx: Perhaps.
Interviewer: And can you tell me how it was that you knew this number?
SCPxx: Electrocution. Explosions in the marrow.
Interviewer: After letting the foundation know that you existed, you sat in the jungle for several hours and didn’t move until our agents arrived. By all accounts, it would appear that you actively wanted the foundation to find and capture you. Is that right?
SCPxx: You tell me.
Interviewer: Why did you want us to capture you?
SCPxx: Baths are boring. (SCPxx pauses a moment, takes a deep breath, and begins to speak very carefully and deliberately.) The puppies are unbound. The… trees, the stars, the (SCPxx shakes its head frustratedly) …the found… ing of the principles of virtue form a tapestry of decency that… evil… businessmen and the self-righteous holymen shall hide behind through the midst of their corruption, until the toils of the worthy shall yield the sweet fruits of grape, and… doom comes to all that is other. Not other.
Interviewer: The foundation is currently of the belief that you know something which you think is very important, and that you came to us in order to tell us about it. Is that true?
SCPxx: No. (SCPxx starts shaking its head firmly, then rapidly begins nodding. SCPxx alternates between shaking and nodding for several seconds, before grabbing its head with both hands and holding it still.)
Interviewer: Tell me all you can about it.
SCPxx: Did just.
Interviewer: I'll have to ask you to try again.
(SCPxx says nothing.)
Interviewer: If you do not co-operate, certain privileges will be withdrawn.
SCPxx: Oh sure, because this attempt will work when the last eighty failed. (Sighs.) Since you ask so nicely, I’ll tell you that the queen is in the bookshop, squirrels approach the expired tin mines, your mother grows ever fatter and we all get chocolate pasta for lunch. Happy?
Interviewer: Very well. And if something is not done about… these circumstances, what will the consequences be?
SCPxx: Glory. Pain. Unauthorisation. Fruit. Copulation. Flames. Theft. Defenestration.
Interviewer: Right. Naturally. So… last thing, I'm supposed to ask you to describe this object, and to state your opinion on it.
(Interviewer hands SCPxx a small rubber ball.)
SCPxx: Describe it? This is a small green bouncy ball. Um… you can do tricks with it. (SCPxx throws the ball against a wall and catches it when it bounces back.) This object is spherical, and there's a tiny bit missing here — I think a mouse nibbled it or something. By the way, the thing I'm trying to tell you is that I want to chisel a 5:19 scale model of — (SCPxx stops talking abruptly, and says nothing for several seconds.) Anyway, my opinion on this object is that it's fun and that I'm keeping it. (SCPxx pockets the ball.) Any more questions?
Interviewer: I think we’re done here.
End Log 14:11

Interviewer’s note: Having compared this interview to all the previous ones, I think we can safely say that this is getting us nowhere. We need to try to come up with more interrogation techniques. If we just keep repeating the same unanswerable questions to SCPxx, he’ll just get annoyed and become less co-operative.

Note from Dr Adam Pink: Have you seen the test list for this guy? SCPxx fails to answer questions no matter what “technique” we use. The only way we can make any kind of progress is to ask him the same questions over and over, sift through the answers and see what clues we can pick out.
And as far as co-operation goes, the subject’s pain receptors are all working fine.^{2 3}

Addendum-A: The following list shows, to date, all of the Foundation's different attempts at communication with SCPxx.

• • _
  + SCPxx test list- Hide test list

  Test A
  Method of communication attempted: Speech in the English language.
  Procedure: SCPxx was asked several questions in English.
  Result: SCPxx appeared to understand all the questions asked of it, but gave back nonsensical answers that invariably failed to provide any understanding to the questioner.

  Test B
  Method of communication attempted: Speech in the Irish language.
  Procedure: SCPxx was asked several questions in Irish.
  Result: SCPxx evidently understood the Irish language, and replied in kind. All answers given by SCPxx continued to be anomalous and unhelpful. At the end of the interview, SCPxx said in English “I also invoke Crustacean and Austrian, but they won’t help you either.”

  Note: All further tests shall be carried out in English.

  Test C
  Method of communication attempted: Writing.
  Procedure: SCPxx was given a typed questionnaire, a pen, and space under each question to write its answers.
  Result: SCPxx wrote two lines in rough handwriting before giving up and attempting to leave. Inspection of the questionnaire showed that SCPxx’s writing was as illogical as its speech. SCPxx was instructed to finish the task, and reluctantly complied. At the end of the test, the only contextually meaningful statement on the page was the sentence: “You guys are dumb.”

  Test D
  Method of communication attempted: Blinking.
  Procedure: SCPxx was asked several yes-or-no questions, and instructed to blink once or twice to convey the answer yes or no, respectively.
  Result: Upon being asked the first question, SCPxx seemingly lost the ability to blink. SCPxx appeared very distressed at this, and tried several times to force its eyelids down over its eyes, with no success. SCPxx eventually concealed its eyes behind its hands and blinked an unspecified number of times, finally emerging with red eyes. SCPxx seemed disinclined to continue with the test, but appeared to change its mind after only mild prompting from Dr McLotts. SCPxx was then asked the second question on the list, with the exact same results. SCPxx immediately covered its eyes to blink, and the test was terminated.

  Test E
  Method of communication attempted: Winking.
  Procedure: SCPxx was asked several yes-or-no questions, and instructed to wink with its right or left eye to convey the answer yes or no, respectively.
  Result: SCPxx appeared reluctant to begin the interview after the results of test D, but complied to a satisfactory degree. Upon being asked the first question, SCPxx’s eyes began to wildly blink out of sync with each other. Footage viewed after the test showed that each eyelid was moving at a rate of approximately 2.8 blinks per second. SCPxx concealed its eyes, but was unable to stop blinking. This condition persisted for 8 minutes, during which SCPxx became increasingly agitated. Eventually the test was declared to be over, at which SCPxx’s eyelids immediately reverted to normal.

  Test F
  Method of communication attempted: Morse code.
  Procedure: SCPxx was given a reference sheet depicting the Morse alphabet, and was instructed to “make dots and dashes” to answer simple questions.
  Result: After being asked the first question, SCPxx slowly tapped out a message on the wall of the test chamber. SCPxx had to refer to the reference sheet many times while doing this, displaying an evident unfamiliarity with Morse code. SCPxx’s answer was translated and copied down as SCPxx worked, resulting in the standard outcome of anomalous and illogical sentences. After tapping out six lines worth of text, SCPxx strode over to the testers and picked up one of the translated answers. Upon viewing the answer, SCPxx angrily crumpled it up and threw it on the floor. SCPxx refused to continue, and the test was terminated.

  Test G
  Method of communication attempted: Drawing.
  Procedure: SCPxx was given paper and a pen, and instructed to “draw something that explains how you knew the classified number you used to call us”.
  Result: SCPxx complied enthusiastically with Test G, and immediately began to draw on the paper. SCPxx drew very quickly, and often looked away from the page as it was working. On several occasions, SCPxx scribbled through something that it had already drawn. After working for about a minute, SCPxx brushed its page off the table and began to draw on a new one. SCPxx proceeded to scribble a few rough shapes on the page, without once lifting the pen from the paper. Gradually, and scribbling all the while, SCPxx began to move the pen closer to its left arm, which was resting on the table. The pen made contact with SCPxx's left hand, at which SCPxx started to draw a succession of crude and angry faces on its own arm. At no point did the pen break contact with SCPxx's skin. SCPxx did not appear to be aware of its actions, and continued to stare at the page in front of it with a focused expression. SCPxx drew eight angry faces on its arm, reaching up to its bicep, before it appeared to notice what it was doing. SCPxx at once snatched the pen away from its arm and slammed it angrily against the table. The test was declared over, and the first page was recovered.

  • • _
    SCPxx-record drawing-001.fileHide
    

    SCPxx's first attempt at communication through art

  Note: SCPxx’s cell is to be kept stocked with drawing materials from this point forward.

  Test H
  Method of communication attempted: Miming.
  Procedure: SCPxx was asked a set of questions, and instructed to “pretend you’re playing charades”.
  Result: Upon being asked the first question, SCPxx stood still and appeared to carefully consider what motions it was going to make. After about forty seconds SCPxx nodded at the interviewers, adopted a ready stance, and punched itself in the face. SCPxx’s nose began to bleed, and SCPxx proceeded to:
  -Dance the can-can for eight seconds.
  -Spin around as fast as it could for twenty-three seconds, showing no signs of dizziness when
  stopping.
  -Host a thumb war with itself (SCPxx’s right hand won after four seconds).
  -Silently pretend to sing opera for two minutes and thirty-eight seconds. SCPxx reportedly performed this role to such a degree that several observers temporarily believed they had gone deaf.
  -Slowly work through six different yoga positions (Mountain Pose, Triangle Pose, Tree Pose, Side
  Plank, Boat Pose and Downward-Facing Dog). SCPxx spent exactly four minutes and nineteen
  seconds on each pose.
  -Sit down on the floor and pretend to watch television while eating a snack from an imaginary
  bowl. SCPxx continued this for fourteen minutes and nine seconds, at which the test was
  terminated.
  As soon as SCPxx was told that the test was over, it curled up into a foetal position and began crying. Medical attention was given to SCPxx’s broken nose, which by this point had stopped bleeding.

Addendum-B: Circumstances of acquisition.
On 01/04/2021, a personal mobile belonging to 05-█ (a number believed to be known by only six people) began to ring. Upon seeing that the caller’s number was unrecognised, 05-█ handed their phone to Agent Millpont and vacated the area. Agent Millpont answered the phone and asked the caller to identify themselves. Faint breathing was heard from the other side of the line, and the caller hung up. The Foundation was able to track the location of the caller’s phone, and pinpointed its co-ordinates as 38.100710, 88.979815 (a location tracked to a Tibetan hill jungle). A taskforce was dispatched to investigate, and soon came across SCPxx, sitting and waiting in a clearing. Beside SCPxx was a phone which was quickly identified as the device used to call 05-█. SCPxx was asked a few questions, at which its anomalous properties became apparent. SCPxx was promptly transported to site-51.
A subsequent investigation revealed that the mobile found with SCPxx had received a call from 05-█'s phone at 04:27 on 29/03/2021, and that the call made to 05-█'s phone had been made using the "call back" feature. 05-█ denied having made such a call, and expressed concern over the apparent duplicity of their number. 05-█ ordered their phone destroyed shortly after SCPxx was captured, making it unavailable for investigation.

Addendum-C: SCPxx-record.files of presumed significance.

+ SCPxx-writing-33.file

Recovered from a pile of crumpled paper on the floor of SCPxx's cell.

There once was a sad little gang
Who came up with their master plan
They collected things
Of magic and bling
To dull up the fun world of man

SCPxx was later shown the page, and asked to explain it. SCPxx carefully read through the whole poem, then shrugged unhelpfully and said: "It's talking about you, I guess." SCPxx did not provide any further explanation.

+ SCPxx-quote-5126.file

At 21:12, microphones in SCPxx's cell started to pick up faint and muffled sounds. It was discovered that SCPxx was muttering to itself in a very quiet tone. Staff were advised to monitor SCPxx and report any significant developments. At 22:56 SCPxx went to bed, although sporadic mutterings continued to be heard for another two hours. When staff entered SCPxx's cell the following morning, SCPxx approached them and carefully said:

Were I to be speaking to an individual outside of myself in an occasion such that knowledge I possess could be meaningfully relayed to those with which such information could feasibly prove as worthless as a saltless ocean to a thirstful creature, the logical actions that should be undertaken regarding the father of the father of my son’s son would be to avoid mentioning that the opposite approach to never communicating with certain individuals would not involve making use of psychological shrimps — I mean psychopyromaniac crop rotation —"

At this point, SCPxx ceased talking and slowly sat down on the floor. SCPxx remained in this position for several hours while staring at the wall. SCPxx eventually stood up and resumed its usual activities, although it remained unusually unresponsive for several days following the incident.

+ SCPxx-drawing-14.file

SCPxx-drawing-14.file, transcribed from SCPxx's bedsheets.

At 3:46 AM, SCPxx was heard to give a loud whoop. Guards entered SCPxx’s cell, and were promptly handed a crumpled bed sheet. Upon the sheet was the following sketch, drawn using one of the pens provided to SCPxx. SCPxx, while grinning broadly, placed its arms on the guards' shoulders in a friendly manner and motioned for them to unfurl the sheet. SCPxx then caught sight of the drawing on the sheet, at which it stopped smiling. SCPxx stared at the sheet for several seconds before abruptly turning around and climbing into its bed. SCPxx-drawing-14 was recovered, and the guards quietly left SCPxx's cell.

+ SCPxx-writing-92.file

While staff members were bringing food into SCPxx's cell, SCPxx picked up a paper aeroplane that was on the floor and threw it at them. The aeroplane was removed from SCPxx's cell and unfolded, revealing the following hand-written words:

Look, I've (section scribbled out) can barely remember her face, so i'm sorry that (section scribbled out) no breach, but this is inhumane. I'm trying to help, its just (section scribbled out) it's not even that, I'm a litral danger to you and I didnt want this (section scribbled out) I CANT, THEY WONT (section scribbled out) please.

Note from Dr Adam Pink: Now before we all start weeping too hard over the lonely mumbo man, I want us to think carefully about this message. In every single previous document written by xx, the words have always been muddled but legible. Yet on this page, the illegible sections are completely scribbled over so that we don't even get to read the nonsense. Either xx just randomly decided to redact its own work as it went, or it concisely wrote out the entire letter before going back and scribbling over the important bits. The former would be inconsistent with xx's own anomaly, and the latter would require a level of careful thought that is completely out of sync with the general tone of the letter. Either way, the document is highly suspicious and I advice that further surveillance measures be enacted against SCPxx.

Note from Dr Callumn McLotts: Dr Pink, your observations are reasonable, but the conclusions you have drawn from them are frankly unscientific. As observed in SCPxx's test log, we can not and should not try to predict every manner in which SCPxx's anomaly may manifest, and thus cannot logically postulate that these thick scribbles are reason for suspicion. Current containment procedures already incorporate significant surveillance, and I do not see that there is sufficient cause for further measures. Additionally, I feel compelled to mention that this is not the first time I have heard you advocating for stronger methods to be used against SCPxx. Unless you are in possession of some knowledge that the rest of us lack, your conduct can only be viewed as unreasonable and unprofessional.

Note from Dr Adam Pink: [redacted for irrelevance and unprofessional language.]

Incident report xx-A
At 14:53, 08/08/2021, Dr [REDACTED] interviewed SCPxx for the first time. Upon meeting Dr [REDACTED], SCPxx said, with an air of deep regret: "I'm so sorry." (Recorded as SCPxx-quote-6519.file).
— It is to be noted that this was the sixth time SCPxx had made this exact remark. In each previous instance, SCPxx had spoken the phrase to an unmarried staff member in a sorrowful tone. On no previous occasion had there been any recorded consequences to this statement. —
Approximately eight hours later, Dr [REDACTED] contacted the Foundation to request assistance in locating her husband, who had not returned home from work. Two agents were sent to track the missing person, without success. To this date, both the Foundation and local law enforcement have been unable to find the man. It is currently unclear whether any anomalous factors were responsible for his disappearance.
At 23:32, 11/08/2021, Dr [REDACTED] was discovered inside SCPxx's cell without authorization. She had been attempting to torture SCPxx, but was interrupted before being able to inflict any damage. Upon capture, Dr [REDACTED] swore vehemently that "she would not rest until she had ripped the truth out of the slimetongue's brain."
Following a psychiatric evaluation on Dr [REDACTED], the use of class C amnestics was authorized. Dr [REDACTED] has since continued to capably work for the Foundation.

Interview log SCPxx-25 (08/08/2021)
Interviewed: SCPxx
Interviewer: Dr Callumn McLotts
Begin log 23:51
SCPxx: You wanna talk, huh.
Interviewer: Does that surprise you?
SCPxx: It's midnight.
Interviewer: If it makes you feel any better, I'd rather be in bed right now too.
SCPxx: Let me make this simple. The angry lemur… angry lady was nothing if not the talk of Hollywood - (long pause).
Interviewer: Are you aware that Mr [the doctor's missing husband] has gone missing?
SCPxx: Maybe.
Interviewer: Do you know what might have caused his disappearance?
SCPxx: Look man, what do you want me to say? I can't help you!
Interviewer: I would like you to answer my questions to the best of your ability. We are very concerned over this incident, and —
SCPxx: No you're not.
Interviewer: This entire organisation exists to help and protect people. Any —
SCPxx: You've got the 'P', but not an 'H'.
Interviewer: An anomalous disappearance is something that we do not take lightly. Did you have anything to do with the event?
SCPxx: (Rolls its eyes and shrugs.)
Interviewer: Is it possible that this incident could happen again? To someone else?
SCPxx: (Laughs.)
Interviewer: I wasn't aware that I had said anything humorous.
SCPxx: Can I go to bed now? I can't help you.
Interviewer: I don't think that you have tried yet.
SCPxx: The rabbit jumped into a blender. Now are we done?
Interviewer: Why is it that you have so much difficulty answering my questions, and yet you can keep making comments about wanting to leave this interview?
SCPxx: Because I want to leave this interview.
Interviewer: You know, I've read the logs for your other interrogations. As far as I can tell, this is the most open and helpful conversation you're ever had with us.
SCPxx: Fat lot of good it's doing you.
Interviewer: You said that very normally. Why did you find that sentence so easy?
SCPxx: It's midnight.
Interviewer: Can you elaborate on that?
SCPxx: They are t — stupid. You're foolish. They're downright idiotic. (SCPxx stands up and starts twisting its torso around, but its eyes remain locked with Dr McLotts. The expression on SCPxx's face suggests that it is now speaking against its will.) What is a mind but a bleeding sieve? What is a body but a vessel for pain? What is a nest but a haven for snakes? (SCPxx grabs its head with both hands and rams itself into the wall. SCPxx abruptly stops speaking. There is a long pause.)
Interviewer: Can you comment on what just happened?
SCPxx: NO!
Interviewer: Can we help in any way?
SCPxx: Imagine… imagine me. Being me. I… I can't say it. Imagine me saying it. Please!
(Long pause.)
Interviewer: …You know, there are some people who think that you are just a good actor.
(SCPxx throws itself at Dr McLotts and starts ferociously hitting him. Guards quickly separate the two, at which SCPxx abruptly goes limp.)
Interviewer: I, er… that's probably enough for today.
End log 23:54

Footnotes

1. Basic phrases, such as a request to use the toilet, have repeatedly been recorded as clear and unhindered.

2. 'For god's sake, can everyone please chill out? It was just a joke. We're allowed to make those, right?' - Dr Pink

3. 'Although for the record, I totally think that would work.' - Dr Pink