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SCP-914-J (The Humorworks)
SCP-914-J
Item #: SCP-914-J
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: Only personnel who politely ask Class-A Personnel for use of SCP-914-J may operate SCP-914-J. SCP-914-J is to be kept in Site-19's basement with a sad and lonely facility guard person on duty at all times (lunch break is the only exception). Any researchers entering the basement are to be accompanied by at least one guard for the entirety of testing. A list of tests to be carried out must be given to all guard personnel on duty (for uh… evaluation purposes); any deviation will result in forcible removal of personnel from the basement, and the deviant being sent to the time-out corner for an hour. Now enough of the containment procedures, those are boring.
Description: WARNING: At this time, no testing of human persons is allowed. Refer to document 9… actually nevermind, a guard ate that document. See document 914-J-S instead.
Description: SCP-914-J is a large mechanical device weighing a single pound… somehow, and covering an area of ██ square meters (for some reason typing it goes black, I think it's trying to tell us something), consisting of screw drives, belts, pulleys, gears, springs and other mechanical things. It is rather simple, consisting of over 20 moving parts comprised mostly of boring metal nobody cares about, with some even more boring items observed. Two large booths 3mx2.1mx2.1m (10ftx7ftx7ft) are connected via copper tubes to the main body of SCP-914, labeled “Intake” and “Output”. The words Boring, Meh, 1:1, Funny, and Very Funny are positioned at points around the knob. Below the knob is a big button that gets the machine working.
When an object is placed in the Intake Booth, a door slides shut, and a small bell sounds. If the knob is turned to any position and the button is pressed, SCP-914 will “humorize (wait, that's not even a word)” the object in the booth. The process takes between 42 and 420 seconds, depending on the size of the object being refined.
Addendum: 914-J-A
Name: Doctor Craft
Date: ███/██/20██
Total Items: 1x copy of the album “Bad 25th Anniversary” by Michael Jackson
Input: 1x copy of the album “Bad 25th Anniversary” by Michael Jackson
Setting: Funny
Output: 1x copy of the album “Even Worse” by "Weird Al" Yankovic
Addendum: 914-J-B
Name: Dr. ██████
Date: ███/██/20██
Total Items 2x Class-D Personnel
Input: 1x Class-D Personnel
Setting: Very Funny
Output: The same Class-D Personnel. As soon as the doors opened and he stepped out, he said a joke about SCP-682 so funny a Facility Guard choked to death. The Class-D Personnel was later terminated.
Note: It was the D's last day anyway. Can someone drag this dead guard out of here so I can test the next Class-D? - Dr. ██████
Input: 1x Class-D Personnel
Setting: Boring
Output: The same Class-D Personnel. He had no emotion on his face, had a clown nose, and talked like he was drunk.
Note: Let's… not test people anymore. - Dr. ██████
Addendum: 914-J-C
Name: Dr. Arch
Date: ███/██/20██
Total Items 1x 16oz water bottle
Input: 1x 16oz water bottle
Setting: Very Funny
Output: 1x Unknown liquid in a bottle. When D-42069 drank 3oz of it, they laughed uncontrollably. Dr. Arch injected [DATA EXPUNGED] into D-42069 and after 5 mins D-42069 fell asleep. When D-42069 woke up, they stopped laughing.
NOTE: Guys, I think I found the cure - Dr. Arch
Addendum: 914-J-D/Mask
Name: Doctor Craft
Date: ███/██/20██
Total Items 5x comedy masks
Input: 1x comedy mask
Setting: Boring
Output: A paper saying “It was already boring”. Oddly enough, the mask disappeared.
Input: 1x comedy mask
Setting: Meh
Output: The same comedy mask but it looked more worn out.
Input: 1x comedy mask
Setting: 1:1
Output: SCP-035-J-1
Note: Oh god no!… Kill it! Kill it with fire! - Doctor Craft
Input: 1x comedy mask
Setting: Funny
Output: The same comedy mask but every time someone looks at it they cannot stop laughing. When a person looks away from it they will stop laughing.
Input: 1x comedy mask
Setting: Very Funny
Output: [DATA EXPUNGED]
Note: I am sorry about the incident, and all that [REDACTED]. I hope you can forgive me for what has happened today. I didn't know that would happen. We shouldn't test objects on Very Funny unless we have to. - Doctor Craft
SCP-019-J (An ordinary parrot) (Remade)
SCP-019-J
Item #: SCP-019-J
Object Class: Keter Neutralized
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-019-J is to be contained in a 15 x 15 x 10 inch cage, being guarded by an entire Mobile Task Force squad designated "Boys in Blue" in a warehouse near site-██. During a containment breach, SCP-019-J is to be terminated on sight. If the entity escapes, the squad "Boys in Blue" will be sent to SCP-682 duty for a month.
Fine, we'll watch the stupid bird - MTF Lieutenant Morrison from the squad "Boys in Blue" (before being moved to the "Silver Fang")
Description: SCP-019-J is a scary talking bird! It swore at me! It threatened me! AHHH!!
NOTE: Dr. ████, it's a parrot… they're supposed to talk. Dr. ████'s ability to add anomalous beings to the network has been revoked until further notice - O5-█
Addendum: SCP-019-J-B:
Date: █/█/████
Subject: SCP-019-J
[BEGIN LOG]
MTF Lieutenant Rogers: Hey, anyone up for poker? I brought everything we need. I even got one of the researchers to delete the footage once we're done.
MTF Cadet Jones: I'm up for a game.
MTF Commander █████: I'll pass, we have a job to do. Watch the bird or we're gonna take care of the [DATA EXPUNGED]ing lizard.
MTF Cadet Jones: Suit yourself, we're gonna play.
MTF Cadet Jones helps MTF Lieutenant Rogers set the game up.
They play poker for a few hours. MTF Commander █████ looks away for a minute to watch the boys play poker. SCP-019-J opens a hatch. MTF Commander █████ quickly turns around. Before he can close it, SCP-019-J flies out.
SCP-019-J: Squawk! I'm out mother [DATA EXPUNGED]ers
MTF Commander █████: GUYS! THE BIRD BREACHED CONTAINMENT!
Before you know it, SCP-019-J flies outside and sits on a giant pole, mocking the "Boys in Blue". The "Boys in Blue" stack on top of each other trying to grab SCP-019-J. As they are struggling to catch SCP-019-J, MTF Cadet Myers admits this was all because of him.
MTF Cadet Myers: I… take full blame for this. I forgot to close the back door.
The MTF get get back on the ground and beat up MTF Cadet Myers.
SCP-019-J: Come catch me [DATA REDACTED]holes
MTF Commander █████: [DATA EXPUNGED] it! Shoot it down!
Their shots miss. SCP-019-J bites one of the incoming bullets with its teeth and spits it at MTF Cadet ████. SCP-019-J hums the instrumental to "█ Gon' Give It to Ya"
SCP-019-J:
5 Minutes later, the bird is dead; MTF Cadet Myers has a black eye, bruises all over his body, and was kicked in the [REDACTED] ██ times, everything's back to normal… or is it?
Doctor Craft: Hello "Boys in Blue", there was a misunderstanding. SCP-019-J was a normal parrot and will be free- YOU KILLED IT!
[END LOG]
SCP-035-J (The Mask)
SCP-035-J
Item #: SCP-035-J
Object Class: Keter Neutralized
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-035-J, before termination, was to be kept in a 10 x 10 x 10 steel-reinforced chamber with a solid-titanium door requiring Level-3 access. The chamber would be guarded by the Mobile Task Force Unit "Silver Fang" designated Bravo-11. Each Mobile Task Force Unit would be equipped with a Project-90 Sub-Machine Gun and would kill-on-sight if SCP-035-J were to breach containment.
Description: SCP-035-J consisted of two entities, SCP-035-J-1 and SCP-035-J-2. SCP-035-J-1 appears to be green painted comedy mask. When worn, it will turn the wearer into SCP-035-J-2. SCP-035-J-2 appears to look like whoever wore the mask with the mask on (duh) but will [DATA EXPUNGED]. SCP-035-J-1 was found at ██████ in the ████ of ██████
Addendum: 035-J-2-Interview
[AWAITING APPROVAL OF O5 COUNCIL]
Addendum: 035-J-2-Breach
[AWAITING APPROVAL OF O5 COUNCIL]
Addendum: 035-J-2-Termination
Exploration Video Log Transcript
Date: █/█/19██
Exploration Team: Mobile Task Force Unit "Silver Fang"
Subject: SCP-035-J-2
Team Lead: MTF Commander "Danny" Jones
Team Members: MTF Lieutenant "Greg" Parker, MTF Lieutenant "█████" Morrison, MTF Cadet "█████" Jones, MTF Cadet "█████" █████, MTF Cadet "█████" █████, MTF Cadet "████" █████, and MTF Cadet "Richard" Ross
The following document takes place 30 minutes after Addendum: 035-J-2-Breach. An estimated 5 minutes of footage remained from the disaster, but only 2 minutes of total footage was not corrupted or lost.
[BEGIN LOG]
MTF Lieutenant "Greg" Parker: Spotted SCP-035-J. Firing at subject.
MTF Commander "Danny" Jones: Don't waste your ammo, it'll keep dodging.
MTF Lieutenant "Greg" Parker: What was that Commander?
MTF Commander "Danny" Jones: Nothing, just patching up "████". Find another way to kill it.
MTF Lieutenant "Greg" Parker shoots SCP-035-J-2, but it twists its body, dodging the bullet. When it stopped twisting, its clothes changed and so did its accent
MTF Lieutenant "Greg" Parker: It just twisted itself like rubber, I can't get a decent hit!
MTF Commander "Danny" Jones: There you go, alright! Is anyone else hurt. No? Ok then, surround him! Fire at the guy!
Gunfire from all sides. The MTF run out of ammo and SCP-035-J-2 turns into a bandit from the wild west, firing with an unknown type of revolver at several of the MTF. 2 died, all other shots missed. MTF Lieutenant "█████" Morrison fires a shot in SCP-035-J-2's chest. SCP-035-J-2 later falls on MTF Lieutenant "█████" Morrison's arm.
SCP-035-J-2: Hold me closer, Mikey. It's gettin' dark…
[CORRUPTED FOOTAGE]
MTF Lieutenant "█████" Morrison drops the anomaly on the ground, pulling out a Glock 19 and firing at the subject's [DATA EXPUNGED]
MTF Lieutenant "█████" Morrison: [DATA CENSORED]
SCP-035-J-1 then faded away
Dr. ████████: Well [DATA CENSORED]
[END LOG]
SCP-053-J (She's 13)
SCP-053-J
Item #: SCP-053-J
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-053-J is contained in a 10 x 15 x 10 ████-reinforced chamber and is visited by Doctor Craft every day. All foundation researchers who wish to test SCP-053-J must ask Doctor Craft for permission.
Description: SCP-053-J appears to be an average female at the age of thirteen (13), but when a subject (depending on the age, gender, and size) stares at it for more than 10 seconds, they will attempt to [DATA EXPUNGED] SCP-053-J. Upon attempt of [DATA EXPUNGED]ing SCP-053-J, the subject will instantly die. For some reason the affects don't occur on Doctor Craft.
NOTE: Stop asking why I don't… you know. It's because [REDACTED] - Doctor Craft
NOTE: Why are you redacting my stuff O5-█? I'm trying to give a reason - Doctor Craft
It's fun blanking and redacting things - O5-█
Jerk - Doctor Craft
Don't make me terminate you - O5-█
Stop fighting you two, throw it in the DMs - O5-█
The following is archived information, and is scheduled to be removed on █/█/████:
Archived Description: SCP-053-J appears to be a 3 year old child [DATA EXPUNGED]. When a subject stares at it for 10 seconds, subject will attempt to [DATA EXPUNGED] [DATA EXPUNGED] [EVEN MORE DATA EXPUNGED] Due to most foundation personnel being [DATA EXPUNGED], testing on SCP-053-J has been canceled. See Addendum[DATA EXPUNGED] for more information
Stop trying to [DATA EXPUNGED] my kid! Testing is canceled forever. You got all the information you need, scram! - Doctor Craft
All Addendums have been removed for obvious reasons
