Lord English

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX is to be kept in an air-tight wooden box appropriate for its size at Site-77. Experiments may be done freely with SCP-XXXX, with Clearance Level of 3 or above. Any and all liquids used with SCP-XXXX are to be labeled and observed for potential future use. During experiments, SCP-XXXX is to be used in a laboratory fume hood in the case of potentially dangerous chemicals being produced during testing. Should a significantly dangerous chemical be produced, all on-site staff are to enforce bio-hazard safety protocol Epsilon-909-A.

Description: SCP-XXXX is a white, medium-sized kitchen funnel with no discernible marks or branding. Samples of SCP-XXXX have been taken to reveal traces of plastic, iron, uranium, and [REDACTED]. The main chemical makeup of SCP-XXXX is unknown. No anomalous properties are immediately present, until a liquid is poured into SCP-XXXX. When a liquid touches the interior of SCP-XXXX, the liquid rapidly changes its chemical makeup, and reforms into a different liquid of seemingly opposite pH levels. Liquids of a neutral pH of 6-7, such as milk or spring water, seem to be unaffected. Although SCP-XXXX has produced many liquids that would normally dissolve or damage something of its nature, no structural damage has been observed through rigorous testing. The only constant that SCP-XXXX seems to exhibit is that the mass of all liquid deposited will stay the same, but the volume will change to fit that of the liquid's density.

SCP-XXXX was found in the home of Mr. Sebastian █████████, located in Houston, Texas. Foundation staff was alerted to the site when claims of an "Alchemist's Funnel" revolved around the city of Houston, and reconnaissance team Betelgeuse-006 "Can Kickers" was assigned to further investigate the matter. After rigorous questioning, Mr. █████████ handed SCP-XXXX over to foundation staff, stating that "It never did me any good anyways. It was only really useful for party tricks."