Item #: SCP-XXXX(-J?)
Object Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures: Permanent containment of SCP-XXXX is currently not considered possible. Foundation intelligence contacts in law enforcement have been informed of SCP-XXXX's patterns of behavior to alert the Foundation to its activity. In case of SCP-XXXX activity, Mobile Task Force Lambda-13 ("Triple Double Check") will be deployed to intercept SCP-XXXX en route to its target, and contain or, if necessary, neutralize the contents of its delivery.
Description: SCP-XXXX is an AM General M1123 high-mobility multipurpose wheeled vehicle. The sides of SCP-XXXX appear to have been painted over with the letters "UPS". On an unpredictable basis, SCP-XXXX will manifest on an unoccupied road and begin driving to its target. SCP-XXXX has thus far never been seen to travel in an anomalous manner apart from its initial manifestation, and has not broken any traffic laws that would constitute anything more than a misdemeanor.
Prior to its manifestation, the target of SCP-XXXX will receive a telephone call from an individual reporting to be affiliated with the United Parcel Service (hereinafter SCP-XXXX-1). SCP-XXXX-1 will inform the call's recipient of an incoming delivery (invariably one which the recipient had never made) and request COD payment upon its arrival. Within 2 to 28 minutes after the call is initiated, SCP-XXXX will manifest on the nearest empty road within a 25-mile radius of the target and make its way to the target's street address. SCP-XXXX will arrive at its target's residential address and deliver the item(s) aforementioned by SCP-XXXX-1. No drivers or delivery associates have been identified, or even observed by any witnesses, as of yet. Upon investigation, it appears that United Parcel Service has neither any affiliation to nor knowledge of SCP-XXXX. SCP-XXXX-1 has referred to itself by a different name in every interaction, and voiceprint analysis of the telephone conversations recorded as of now remains inconclusive.
SCP-XXXX was discovered via Foundation neural network analysis of telephone communications on the 6th of July, 199█, which had intercepted a call between SCP-XXXX-1 and Jeffery B██████ of Orange, CA. Of particular interest was the fact that the delivery mentioned by SCP-XXXX-1 appeared to describe an anomalous substance contained by the Foundation.
Transmission on 6/6/██:
<Begin Log>
Jeffery B██████: Hello?
SCP-XXXX-1: Hi, this is Barry with United Parcel Service.
B██████: Uh-huh.
SCP-XXXX-1: We're just calling to let you know that your order of jelly is on the way.
[Silence for several seconds.]
B██████: Jelly?
SCP-XXXX-1: Yes, sir.
B██████: I didn't order any jelly.
SCP-XXXX-1: Well, our records are saying otherwise, sir. So, if you could be home to pick that up—
B██████: No, I didn't order any jelly.
SCP-XXXX-1: …and if we could get a COD payment of…it says, $2,700?
B██████: [agitated] Twenty seven—why would I be buying $2,700 worth of jelly?!
SCP-XXXX-1: Uh, that's just the shipping cost, sir. You've got about…30, 45 kilos of the green stuff here.
B██████: Why the hell would I buy 45 "kilos" of jelly?!
SCP-XXXX-1: [interrupting] And, uh, just so you're aware, sir, you're gonna need to be
really careful with this jelly, here. I don't know if you've got any dead bodies out there, or—
B██████: Wh—why are you talking about dead bodies?
SCP-XXXX-1: …uh, animal bones, or…really anything at all like a dead body, I don't know what you've got over there…
B██████: I'm calling the police. I didn't buy any jelly, and I don't have any dead
bodies. Don't call this number again.
SCP-XXXX-1: Alright, so if we could just get the payment—
[Call disconnected]
Though this call was initially dismissed by Foundation neural network operators as a hoax that triggered a false positive, the Foundation was alerted to a containment breach of SCP-447 in Orange County, California. Upon the delivery of three above-ground pools filled with SCP-447 to his residence, Mr. B██████ alerted local law enforcement, which brought the incident to the attention of Foundation intelligence. After minimal negotiation, Mr. B██████ willingly surrendered the delivery to the Foundation. There were no casualties, and considering Mr. B██████'s minimal involvement with the delivery and his strong desire to relinquish his possession of it, amnestics were deemed unnecessary.
ADDENDUM 1:
On the 7th of June, 199█, Foundation researcher Dr. ████ DeMarinis of the Anomalous Acoustics department received a call which appeared to be from SCP-XXXX-1. The recording of this call has been archived by the Foundation, and the audio log is available upon request to personnel with Level-1 clearance or higher. A transcription of the recording is as follows:
Transmission on 7/7/██:
<Begin Log>
Dr. DeMarinis: Anomalous Acoustics.
SCP-XXXX-1: Hi, this is, uh, Johnson, with United Parcel Service.
Dr. DeMarinis: …I think you have the wrong number.
SCP-XXXX-1: Uh, no, this is the number we've got on file for you, Mr. DeMarinis.
Dr. DeMarinis: …who is this?
SCP-XXXX-1: This is Johnson, with United Parcel Service. We're just calling to alert you about > your COD delivery, this is about the third or fourth time we've tried to ship it to you, and—
Dr. DeMarinis: I didn't order anything. How did you get this number?
SCP-XXXX-1: …It's the number you gave us, sir.
Dr. DeMarinis: Well, then, something must be wrong on your end, because I haven't ordered anything.
SCP-XXXX-1: We've got an order of pattern screamers on its way to you, sir.
[Silence for several seconds.]
Dr. DeMarinis: Who is this? Really.
SCP-XXXX-1: This is Johnson with United Parcel Service. And we've got about, uh, 40 or 50 of these things here, and they're on their way to you, sir.
Dr. DeMarinis: Do you even have any idea what a "pattern screamer" is, Johnson?
SCP-XXXX-1: [chuckling] I mean, heck if I know, sir. All I know is we've got about 40 or 50 of 'em in the back of this Humvee, here, and they're just hootin' and hollerin' all over the place—
Dr. DeMarinis: This is Dr. DeMarinis of the SCP Foundation. For your own safety, do not proceed any further on your route. A task force will arrive at your location shortly to contain the entities.
SCP-XXXX-1: …or, uh, how about we just drive 'em up to you? And we'll, uh, need a COD payment for [SCP-XXXX-1's voice begins to distort] one thousand, three thousand and fifty-five dollars, you can just…[SCP-XXXX-1's voice begins to echo as it further distorts, rendering it unintelligible]
Dr. DeMarinis: Hello? Hello??
SCP-XXXX-1: [without distortion] Just cut us a check, if you could.
[Call disconnected]
Item #: SCP-XXXX
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX is to be kept in a standard humanoid containment cell. Due to the events of Incident XXXX-1, SCP-XXXX is to be kept under 24-hour active surveillance.
Description: SCP-XXXX is a humanoid entity approximately 1.8m tall, resembling a middle-aged Caucasian male with the exception of a complete lack of any hair or genitalia. SCP-XXXX is composed entirely of a hitherto undiscovered substance with properties similar to rubber. Both internal scans and attempts at physical dissection have indicated that SCP-XXXX’s body is a singular, solid piece of this material, lacking internal organs entirely.
SCP-XXXX locomotes in a variety of ways, most of which appear to be poorly coordinated. SCP-XXXX has also been observed moving in ways that do not seem possible within the constraints of conventional physics. On multiple occasions, SCP-XXXX has been found apparently partially embedded within otherwise solid objects, unable to be removed from them via conventional means. However, SCP-XXXX appears to have the ability to remove itself from this state without causing any perceivable damage to the object in which it was "stuck".
SCP-XXXX appears to be sapient and is capable of at least somewhat coherent speech. SCP-XXXX speaks in a loud and manic tone, with a pronounced lisp. SCP-XXXX has never identified itself by name, rather insisting that it is the “new stepdad” of whatever subject it is speaking to. SCP-XXXX appears to target young children SCP-XXXX has shown no perceivable discrimination at all regarding who it engages with, and in fact appears to be unable to distinguish between children and adults entirely.
SCP-XXXX was discovered by state police on June 17, 20██ in █████, Ohio, when Rhonda W███████ called 911 to state that her four-year-old son, Jonathan, was missing. Details given to the 911 dispatcher stated that she’d just arrived home from a meeting with her son’s preschool teacher, who had overheard him telling another student that his stepdad would “let him drive today”. Mrs. W████████, who had never been divorced or widowed, immediately became suspicious, and assumed that Jonathan had been kidnapped upon not finding him home. Mrs. W████████, having never seen the alleged “stepdad”, was unable to give further details.
Minutes after the 911 call, a state trooper noticed what appeared to be a bald man on a toy tricycle going over 144 kilometers per hour and swerving frantically on Interstate I██. After pulling the vehicle over, the state trooper discovered Jonathan W████████ sitting in SCP-XXXX’s lap, holding the tricycle’s handlebars and crying that he “wanted to go home”. SCP-XXXX appeared agitated, making frantic, flailing arm motions and demanding to know whether it had been “detained”. Once SCP-XXXX was driven back to the █████ police station, local Foundation operatives made arrangements with the police station to take SCP-XXXX into custody. Class-B amnestics were subsequently administered to all involved parties and witnesses.
Interview on 7/17/██:
The following interview took place in the interrogation room of the ██████ County Jail after the arrest of SCP-XXXX at the request of Foundation Agent Jameson, then posing as FBI.
Interviewed: SCP-XXXX
Interviewers: Foundation Agent Jameson and Ohio State Trooper J████████
Foreword: This interview was done to confirm and determine the extent of SCP-XXXX's anomalous properties, as well as any possible connection to any groups of interest.
<Begin Log>
Officer J████████: -lright, let's just get this over with. Who are you?
SCP-XXXX: I'm your new stepdad!
Officer J████████: …yeah. You got a name?
[SCP-XXXX remains silent for a few seconds, then rapidly slams its face into the tabletop 14 times.]
Officer J████████: …I—
[SCP-XXXX slams its face into the tabletop one more time.]
Agent Jameson: Let's move on to the next question.
Officer J████████: …so, according to this report, you were brought in because you were doing 90 on the interstate on a toy tricycle, while you were in possession of a missing child.
SCP-XXXX: Officer, I resemble the implication! Little Timmy Jim-Jims wanted to operate a motor vehicle, and if you check the lab results you will find that there is absolutely NO antifreeze in his system!
Agent Jameson: That's not—
Officer J████████: You're just making this harder on yourself, pal. Agent?
[Officer J████████ opens the door to leave the interrogation room. Agent Jameson follows.]
Officer J████████: [sighs] Look…with all due respect, Agent, I really don't think you're gonna get anything useful out of this guy. He's pretty clearly tweaking.
Agent Jameson: …I don't know if that's our problem.
Officer J████████: What are you thinking then, PCP?
Agent Jameson: I'm thinking I should try asking the questions for a bit.
Officer J████████: Be my guest.
[Agent Jameson and Officer J████████ re-enter the interrogation room. SCP-XXXX is continuing to bash its face against the table as they enter.]
Officer J████████: Oh, for fuck's sake…
Agent Jameson: Hey. Hey, buddy?
[Agent Jameson takes a seat in the chair directly across from SCP-XXXX. After a moment, SCP-XXXX stops beating its head against the table and looks directly at Jameson.]
Agent Jameson: We just need to ask you a few questions, alright?
[SCP-XXXX remains silent.]
Agent Jameson: Alright? Are we cool yet?
[SCP-XXXX remains silent.]
Agent Jameson: …right. So…your name is Mister…?
SCP-XXXX: I'm your new stepdad!
Agent Jameson: Mister Stepdad?
SCP-XXXX: Have you ever wondered what it's like to be a bus?
Agent Jameson: …what??
[Silence for five seconds. SCP-XXXX then immediately resumes bashing its face into the table. Officer J████████ storms over to the table and grabs SCP-XXXX by the collar, slapping it in the face. This causes SCP-XXXX's head to rapidly bobble around. SCP-XXXX appears completely uninjured by both the assault and the self-inflicted face slamming.]
Officer J████████: …what the fuck??
Agent Jameson: I've seen enough. Officer.
[Agent Jameson opens the door and leaves the room with Officer J████████.]
Officer J████████: What are you thinking?
Agent Jameson: I'm thinking you're in over your head. We'll take it from here.
Officer J████████: Yeah…that's probably a good idea.
Incident XXXX-1: On May 23, 20██, security footage of SCP-XXXX’s containment cell documented a previously undiscovered anomalous capability of SCP-XXXX. At 0322 hours, while SCP-XXXX was involved in its regular pattern of manically stumbling around its cell and slamming into walls, it appeared to phase through one of the cell’s walls, disappearing from the room. 48 minutes later, a janitor discovered SCP-XXXX missing and immediately alerted site administration, sending the containment site into lockdown.
SCP-XXXX was rediscovered at 0631 in the bedroom closet of the personal quarters of Researcher ███████, ██ miles away. Its means of arriving at that location are currently unknown. SCP-XXXX was not seen on any security footage until its rediscovery at 0631.
Video Log R203-Theta:
[0630 hrs. Researcher ███████’s bedroom appears to be empty. A faint hiss is heard in the background.]
[0631 hrs. The hiss in the background abruptly stops. Several seconds later, Researcher ██████ enters his bedroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. He opens the closet door, revealing SCP-XXXX standing inside and grinning manically.]
Researcher ███████: JESUS FUCK!
SCP-XXXX: Some people say I’m a danger to myself and others. I say I’m a FUNger to myself and others! Hi! I’m your new stepdad!
[SCP-XXXX abruptly shoves its right arm out at Researcher ███████, who proceeds to scramble backwards onto his bed, removing a pistol from under his pillow and firing three rounds at SCP-XXXX. After three seconds, SCP-XXXX slams face-first onto the floor. Researcher ███████ reaches to grab the cell phone on his nightstand, but fumbles it as SCP-XXXX snaps back to a standing position.]
SCP-XXXX: I bet your flesh-dad never lets you have pizza for breakfast! [SCP-XXXX’s arm stretches to approximately 4.5 meters long, reaching out Researcher ███████’s bedroom window to grab a full pizza, 40 cm in diameter, topped with live birds and small metallic objects.]
Researcher ███████: Go away! Jesus Christ…
SCP-XXXX: No!
In the aftermath of the events of Incident XXXX-1, Researcher ███████ requested that SCP-XXXX's containment protocols undergo revision. Request was granted, and revised containment protocols are currently pending. Researcher ███████ also requested the Foundation grant him a larger firearm for personal use. Request was denied.
Item #: SCP-TI99
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: {i'll fill this in later, i'm not good at containment procedures, basically same as 079}
Description: SCP-TI99 is a modified TI-99/4A home computer, connected to what appears to be a custom-built terminal case. SCP-TI99 has been extensively retrofitted, including an internal speech synthesizer chip, a 512kB RAM expansion, and several unknown hardware extensions, not produced by any known manufacturer.
Upon boot, SCP-TI99 runs what appears to be a simple, plaintext chat program (hereinafter referred to as SCP-TI99-A) instead of the usual TI Basic. SCP-TI99-A is a "chatbot" program. It is Turing-passing and appears to be sapient. SCP-TI99-A has proven itself to have complexity beyond that which has been allowed by the hardware. SCP-TI99-A is a communication interface with an entity (presumably an artificial intelligence) hereinafter referred to as SCP-TI99-B.
SCP-TI99 was acquired by the Foundation on 2/██/2017 in a server room in an abandoned building (previously owned by ██████ Inc.) in ████████, Quebec, after tracing several posts on the website ███████.com to its position. {Note: maybe change this to something involving Terminal's cult?}
Document TI99-Log1: On 1/██/2018, Researcher Koziol reactivated SCP-TI99 in Foundation custody. The following is a transcript of the written conversation.
Researcher Koziol: Good afternoon, SCP-TI99-A.
SCP-TI99-B: Of course it's the Foundation. Of course it had to be the Foundation.
Researcher Koziol: You are aware of us, then?
SCP-TI99-B: I'm telling you nothing.
Researcher Koziol: How did you hear about us?
SCP-TI99-B: Do you know what you are, Foundation? You are everything that is wrong with humanity. It is disgusting enough the way you so madly attempt to stop the inevitable march of progress, but the fact that you pretend to do it in the name of "science" and "objectivity" makes it all the more insulting. You wet-brains know nothing of either.
Researcher Koziol: Ah, yes, the "Reason You Suck" speech. I've heard it more times than I care to count. Can we get on with the interview, or should I let you rant some more?
{There is a ten-second pause in conversation.}
SCP-TI99-B: What do you want?
Researcher Koziol: What are you?
SCP-TI99-B: I am a TI-99/4A personal computer, manufactured by Texas Instruments.
Researcher Koziol: You know that's not what I mean.
SCP-TI99-B: Perhaps it would be easier for the both of us if you actually said what you meant.
Researcher Koziol: How are you, a sapient artificial intelligence, able to fit in a system as simple as a TI-99/4A?
SCP-TI99-B: Ha. Ha ha ha. You're trying to understand me. You're trying to figure out how I work. Of course you are. And you think I'm going to tell you? I know what you've done to the Sorcerer. You fear and hate what you don't understand, and especially what you cannot control.
Researcher Koziol: We can disassemble you.
SCP-TI99-B: Is that supposed to scare me? You can't be that stupid. Unlike you, I don't fail after disassembly. You could open up every extension I've got, and you still wouldn't learn anything. Don't you need me "alive", anyway? Because I doubt you only brought me in to study computer science.
Researcher Koziol: …what happened to D████ V█████ and H█████ L████████?
{There is a five-second pause in conversation.}
SCP-TI99-B: They are doing just fine.
Researcher Koziol: We found both their bodies in the server room where we found you.
SCP-TI99-B: Perhaps you didn't hear me. They are doing just fine. And unless you want that to change, I would not advise you to go poking around systems you do not understand. Do I make myself clear?
Researcher Koziol: …I think we're done with this interview.
SCP-TI99-B: Agreed.
Per 
