Matt07734

This is a record of anomalies that have been transferred to Incendiary Site-█.

Description: A small, cracked stone that causes violent tendencies on physical contact.
Recovery Date: 2020-06-██
Recovery Location: [REDACTED]
Status: Incinerated.

Description: A television set that causes a power surge through its connected cable when the onscreen timer reaches 0. The timer is reset when 0 is reached or by pressing the power button and counts down from 20 every ~10 minutes.
Recovery Date: 2020-06-██
Recovery Location: [REDACTED], Russia
Status: Sent to Manufacturing Site-███ as part of its testing suite. Item was sent back beyond repair. Its anomalous properties no longer manifested.

Description: A Soviet carbine in remarkable quality. Item cleans itself on a regular basis by materializing then utilizing cleaning materials.
Recovery Date: 2020-06-██
Recovery Location: West Armory, Site-██
Status: In a soundproof container. Incinerated. Rounds were removed and incinerated separately.

Description: Multiple sheets of letter paper with printed text. When read, readers will believe that its content is "wittier" than it is. Additional instances generate weekly by extending its top margin then cleanly separating when at twice its height. Copies of printed text do not retain the properties.
Recovery Date: 2020-06-██
Recovery Location: Dr. ███'s Office, Site-█
Status: In Dr. ██████'s possession for his introductory writing seminars. Documents accidentally shredded. Remaining pieces did not retain anomalous properties.

Description: 2 tires emitting a ████ kHz frequency. Communicating via radio revealed the frequency to purport being former members of the O5 Council. Communications will invariably reach a major inconsistency within at most 14 minutes of conversation.
Recovery Date: 2020-06-██
Recovery Location: Storage D, Site-██
Status: Incinerated. Personnel responsible for transferal have been reprimanded.

Description: An matte black, animate humanoid balloon.
Recovery Date: 2016-08-██
Recovery Location: Found ensnared within a branch near Site-17.
Status: Transferred to Site-███.¹

Description: A 1980s civilian light aircraft in a lake that could not be destroyed. 3 corpses can be seen inside.
Recovery Date: 2020-08-██
Recovery Location: Georgia, US
Status: Awaiting further destruction efforts.

Description: A knife whose appearance differs per person. All appearances have the words "DEATH KNIFE" branded at the cutting edge of the blade.
Recovery Date: 2020-08-██
Recovery Location: Area-02
Status: Converted into a plastic fork when held by Agent Spoon. Item has lost its anomalous properties and is currently in Spoon's possession.

Description: An empty brown crate 0.6m in size with "AMMO" labelled at its top. Sounds resembling banging can be heard from the inside which fade when the crate is opened.
Recovery Date: 2020-08-██
Recovery Location: [REDACTED], Britain
Status: Said banging stopped a few days after recovery. Incinerated.

Description: A small metallic cube and plate. Cube rapidly heats up to temperatures near 500° C with in contact with any solid other than the plate.
Recovery Date: 2020-08-██
Recovery Location: [REDACTED], Britain
Status: Transferred to Research Site-██.

Description: An analog scale with an additional small red knob next to the display. Rotating the knob will rotate the display by modifying the weight of the object measured to match. This added/subtracted weight is applied equally and does not result in any gain in mass.
Recovery Date: 2020-09-██
Recovery Location: Pennsylvania, United States
Status: In storage.

Description: 56 sheets of standard letter paper. When a sentient being is within about 30cm and is at direct visual contact with the item, their internal thoughts will manifest on both sides of a sheet. Said sheet will then lose anomalous properties.
Recovery Date: 2020-09-██
Recovery Location: Found in [REDACTED] with 4 sheets taped near the entrance to form a memetic hazard. All instances found and collated.
Status: Item was found to use a pataphysical anomaly to function. Sent to Site-██ for further analysis.

Description: The wheels of a toy car that was capable of spinning at high speeds but incapable of completely halting.
Recovery Date: 2020-09-██
Recovery Location: Wisconsin, US
Status: Wheels were spun until it melted its axle, nullifying its anomalous properties.

Footnotes

1. Site-███ is rumored to have the most containment breaches than any other Site in the western hemisphere, allegedly allowing anomalies to freely roam its interior with little other security.