Per 
SCP-XXXX-J
Item #: SCP-XXXX-J
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: The geological formation known as ████████ Hill is to be walled off and labeled as private property. Local Route ██ is to be rerouted around the hill through █████ Farm and a thick grove of decorative trees will be planted to prevent view of ████████ Hill from the new road.
A team of 3 Researchers with at least Level 2 clearance will be moved into the farmhouse located at the top of ████████ Hill to monitor SCP-XXXX-J and dissuade the local population from exploring the containment area by maintaining the cover story of █████ Farm having been purchased by new owners. A group of 100 D-Class personnel will be sent to █████ Farm twice annually (during spring and autumn) to perform planting and harvesting for the farm under the guise of a work release program.
Description: SCP-XXXX-J is a subcompact 3-door hatchback (Plate number ██████, VIN █████████████████). SCP-XXXX-J is equipped with a 0.9 liter overhead valve straight-four engine and a 4-speed manual transmission. It has a wheelbase of 2,150 mm (84.6 in), measures 3,485 mm (137.2 in) in length, 1,548 mm (60.9 in) in width, and 1,390 mm (54.7 in) in height. SCP-XXXX-J has a curb weight of 825 kg (1,819 lb).
SCP-XXXX-J’s bodywork is in near-mint condition, with only light surface rust on the frame, a small dent in the rear bumper, and three small chips of paint missing from the passenger door. SCP-XXXX-J’s body is painted “Flame Red” (paint code 120), with black trim pieces featuring a red pinstripe running along the full length of the bodywork on either side. SCP-XXXX-J has a set of black bumpers, and black wheels, both of which appear to be original OEM parts. SCP-XXXX-J’s interior is brown and tan with artificial “wood grain” trim on the doors and dash, and has no particular odor.
The only distinguishable difference between SCP-XXXX-J and other vehicles of its model and year are a series of aftermarket chrome letters reading "Sasha" applied to the rear hatch in place of the manufacturer's badge. The letters are slightly crooked but evenly spaced, indicating they were placed by hand.
SCP-XXXX-J is in perfect working order, able to start when the key is turned, drive, turn, brake, and perform all basic functions expected of an automobile including operable headlights, reverse lights, turn signals, brake lights, horn, and climate controls. SCP-XXXX-J is able to drive up a 6% Grade incline with only minimal loss of power from the engine. SCP-XXXX-J’s engine has a compression ratio of 9.2, and is able to produce up to 55 horsepower and 77 Nm (56 lb.ft) of torque.
SCP-XXXX-J was initially discovered on ██/██/18 in ███████, OK by ███ ██████ upon purchasing █████ Farm at auction. Mr. ██████ called the ███████ police department after being unable to locate a key for SCP-XXXX-J on the property. The police were asked who Mr. ██████ should call to unlock SCP-XXXX-J (referred to as “some old car” by Mr. ██████) so it could be moved from the parking spot in front of the farm house.
The ███████ police department informed Mr. ██████ he should look for a local locksmith and as the property owner he was within his legal rights to have the vehicle opened. Later that night, Officer ███████ decided to travel to █████ Farm to assist Mr. ██████ of his own volition.
Officer ███████ is on Foundation records as having been an auto mechanic prior to becoming a Police Officer.
Officer ███████ arrived at █████ Farm at approximately 1900 hours, and discovered SCP-XXXX-J parked in front of the farm house in a location he described as "Where anyone would park their daily driver if they lived there.". Officer ███████ took note of the deep depressions left in the soil by SCP-XXXX-J's wheels and noted it had been in its present location for an extremely long time. Officer ███████ noted this as odd given SCP-XXXX-J's near-mint exterior condition stating that, "Normally, cars left outside get rusty, or at least their paint fades and gets a patina. This thing's paint is still glossy and mirror-like. You know, like it was brand new.".
Officer ███████ was able to pick SCP-XXXX-J’s lock without undue difficulty. Uppon opening the door, Officer ███████ realized SCP-XXXX-J’s interior was as well preserved as its exterior and began an examination of the vehicle due to disbelief. SCP-XXXX-J’s keys were discovered behind the driver side sun visor, prompting Officer ███████ to attempt to start SCP-XXXX-J. Before the start attempt was preformed, Officer ███████ warned Mr. ██████ as to the extremely poor reputation of SCP-XXXX's model and provided him with a business card for a towing service.
SCP-XXXX-J was then started, notably turning over on the first crank. Officer ███████ took SCP-XXXX-J on a brief drive during which SCP-XXXX-J was successfully driven up several steep hills, across slightly bumpy terrain, and over 35 miles per hour without overheating, breaking down, or incurring significant damage to SCP-XXXX-J. Officer ███████ returned to █████ Farm within ten minutes and reported SCP-XXXX-J to the Foundation via his cruiser’s computer.
Of note is Officer ███████'s commentary regarding vehicles parked for extended periods. "Cars that sit around this long just don't move without hours or days of work to get them up and running. They just don't. But this is the Little ████ That Could, apparently. My Captain told me to report anything strange to you guys, and let me tell you this isn't strange. This is impossible!"
Foundation agents took possession of SCP-XXXX-J and █████ Farm on ██/██/18 following Foundation agents confirmation of SCP-XXXX-J’s as having anomalous properties.
An analysis of the wheel imprints left behind by SCP-XXXX-J detrmined it to have been parked in the location SCP-XXXX-J was discovered in for at least 25 years. SCP-XXXX-J’s registration history shows it was last registered 1988. Both findings present evidence to indicate SCP-XXXX-J had remained stationary for several decades. However, the vehicle itself shows no signs of age, and the fuel within SCP-XXXX-J combusted as expected of 87 octane fuel. Testing of SCP-XXXX-J’s fuel shows it to be non-anomalous, and decays at the expected rate once removed from SCP-XXXX-J.
Following initial testing, SCP-XXXX-J was returned to its previous location in front of █████ Farm’s farm house, and the property was seized by the foundation for further investigation. Cause of SCP-XXXX-J’s anomaly is presently unknown.
Incident Report SCP-XXXX-J-1: ████████ Hill Anomaly
By order of the O5 Council SCP-XXXX-J is to be contained on location at █████ Farm. SCP-XXXX-J may be removed from █████ Farm for up to 48 hours under the direct supervision of Dr. Simard for testing purposes only.
In accordance with O5-Order SCP-XXXX-J-1, this report is sealed to all personnel without Level 2 clearance.
Addendum XXXX-J-1: Note from Project Research Head Dr. Simard
Younger Foundation members have been asking me what exactly is anomalous about SCP-XXXX-J. I am adding this note to the official record for the sole purpose of explaining SCP-XXXX-J to anyone not aware of the Yugo’s reputation. SCP-XXXX-J works. That is the anomaly.
SCP-XXXX-J works, and it shouldn’t. Why shouldn’t it? It’s a normal car. No, it’s not a normal car. It is a 33 year old car that didn’t even work when it was new. These things were Soviet garbage so unreliable you were better off buying a bus pass. The country that made them no longer exists, you can’t get spare parts to keep them running. Not since 1992.
These things needed a new timing belt every 20,000 miles, would overheat going up a 3 degree incline, and liked to blow their suspension if you cornered too hard. It is widely regarded as the worst car ever built. There is an entire family of jokes specifically about this car because of just how terrible of a car it is.
SCP-XXXX-J works. Every part in it is original. No replacements. Not a single one. SCP-XXXX-J starts, runs, drives smoothly, and does everything you’d expect a car to do. After sitting outside for thirty years it shouldn’t, because no car stored like that would just run without hours of work put into fixing them. SCP-XXXX-J shrugged off thirty years of wind, rain, snow, heat, and cold like it was nothing.
Not everything we contain is world ending, dangerous, or scary. Sometimes it’s just an anomaly. This time, it’s a Yugo that works.
- Dr. Simard, 16 / 08 / 18
Addendum XXXX-J-2: // SCP-XXXX-J Phase 1 Test Log//
In accordance with O5-Order SCP-XXXX-J-2, SCP-XXXX-J's test logs are sealed. Personnel without Level 2 clearance may not view any detailed information relating to SCP-XXXX-J's capabilities.
Driver error during testing on 03/09/18 resulted in several impacts at significant speeds against trees and rocks. SCP-XXXX-J was undamaged by any impact. Due to the strain placed on any engine when operating at the redline for extended periods SCP-XXXX-J was subjected to a full inspection of its engine and transmission. SCP-XXXX-J was undamaged by previous testing. Durability testing has been scheduled for as soon as the Foundation can supply a standard Foundation Durability Testing kit. In the meantime, Junior Researchers Clemens and Robertson have several recommendations for "field durability tests" which will be taken under review.
- Dr. Simard, 06 / 08 / 18
Addendum XXXX-J-3: Note from Project Research Head Dr. Simard
Investigation into SCP-XXXX-J has proved somewhat slow. The Foundation has a few more pressing matters at hand which have messed with logistics in all kinds of unpredictable ways. We've been waiting for a standard Durability Testing Kit for 13 days. I am tempted to greenlight a few of the tests my Jr staff has proposed as we can carry them out with locally obtained supplies. The Foundation tends to frown on any data obtained without the use of standardized testing materials, but I do have the equipment to measure the properties of non-anomalous materials with equipment on site. If I make sure to include the exact properties of each substance we use, everything should be fine. Just a little more work for the clerks at Site 22.
While waiting around for materials, I've had Clemens and Robertson do what they can to learn more about SCP-XXXX-J, its model of vehicle, and the former owner of this farm. There have been a few notable breakthroughs. First Clemens has discovered SCP-XXXX-J's properties are in line with the advertising for SCP-XXXX-J's model as set by the Yugo's 1985 More Freedom for Less Money commercial (I've attached a copy of the commercial to this entry for reference.). SCP-XXXX-J's elevated Hume levels could be an indication that the vehicle is linked to the way the SCP-XXXX-J's model was presented in the marketing for it. The question remains as to why others of its kind were junk. I've requested the Foundation dispatch a pair of Field Agents to investigate Zastava ███████████ headquarters for any information pertaining to SCP-XXXX-J. Unfortunately investigating anything that happened in a Soviet Satellite State that no longer exists is very difficult.
Robertson was able to discover that the farm's former owner, and presumably the owner of SCP-XXXX-J was a shut in. Locals describe him as a "Middle aged Russian man with an off-the-boat accent". He was by all accounts, very polite, spoke English well in spite of his accent, and only came to town to purchase basic supplies once a month. He was also known to have spent the occasional afternoon in the park entertaining passers by with "exceptional magic tricks."
I was able to get infomration on him from the local liquor store. The proprietor remembered him by name due to believing his ID was fake. "Mr. Alaxander Washinginton" was the alias our man was using. Makes me wonder if maybe he was a GRU-P1 defector.
I ran "Mr. Alaxander Washinginton" and date his ID would hae been good for through the Foundation Database to confirm my suspicions. Nothing. This man did not exist.
Given the recent incident at █████ Farm most of the locals believe Mr. Washington was a Soviet defector we were protecting. I wonder if that might be true. I remember a few stories of GRU-P Agents defecting to the Foundation back in the day.
- Dr. Simard, 19 / 09 / 18
Addendum XXXX-J-4: SCP-XXXX-J Phase 2 Test Log
In accordance with O5-Order SCP-XXXX-J-2, SCP-XXXX-J's test logs are sealed. Personnel without Level 2 clearance may not view any detailed information relating to SCP-XXXX-J's capabilities.
Addendum XXXX-J-5: Note from Project Research Head Dr. Simard
Forensics finally finished going over the farm house. The full sweep took over a month. The whole farm is practically glowing in terms of the Hume field, whoever lived here had to be one of the more productive occultists I've ever heard of. There was a lot of debate as to weather this place should be classified as a single location based anomaly or not. They decided not. Everything gets its own little file.
Things were looking pretty standard for a rogue mage's house until the Occult Department's boys picked up some funky Hume readings in the master bedroom and the garage. Long story short, there was a wizard's duel in the garage, and someone was killed in the master bedroom, then the evidence was erased via anomalous means.One of the 'wizards' reconstructed the crime scene for us to take pictures of so we could do proper CSI work without needing Gandalf and Friends for longer than the afternoon. Again, we're low priority. As best as we can tell the murder victim had been subdued via a blow to the head, drug to the bedroom, then tied to the bed where some occult ritual was preformed. No idea what the ritual was for, the traces are too old for our Hogwarts guys.
What's interesting to me is that after the ritual was preformed, the assailant fired three rounds from a low caliber pistol into the victim's head, and another two into their heart. The victim was then injected with something, presumably a poison or acid, dismembered, and lastly disintegrated via the aforementioned anomalous means. Most of that seems pretty redundant when you're going to turn the guy into free floating atoms at the end.
Makes a man wonder if the victim was human.
We're currently looking into any known anomalies which could remove the evidence of the murder, as well as any known to disintegrate matter which were uncontained in 1988. On the up side, the Durability Testing Kit should be here in three days.
- Dr. Simard 30/09/18
Addendum XXXX-J-6: SCP-XXXX-J Phase 3 Test Log
In accordance with O5-Order SCP-XXXX-J-2, SCP-XXXX-J's test logs are sealed. Personnel without Level 2 clearance may not view any detailed information relating to SCP-XXXX-J's capabilities.
I think I've figured out the exact nature of SCP-XXXX-J's anomaly. Clemens was right. SCP-XXXX-J does exactly as it was advertised to do. "Dependability and safety now have a whole new meaning". You said it. You can run this thing without any fluids and it will go. You can fill it with whatever, and it will go. Whatever you put in it won't go bad either.
That's to say nothing of the fact that it keeps you safe from seemingly anything, even poison gas. I'm willing to bet that since the car has a cabin air filter the anomaly interpretes this as "the cabin is to remain filled with breathable air at all times" and so it is done. I don't have permission to drive SCP-XXXX-J into a lake yet, as there is some risk of the vehicle becoming stuck underwater and thus uncontained, but I honestly believe it could be driven underwater, so long as the lake bed was reasonably passable for a wheeled vehicle.
SCP-XXXX-J really seems like it can take you everywhere. At least, everywhere a car can go. We've driven her off a few jumps, but SCP-XXXX-J is not capable of flight. Whatever occult magics power SCP-XXXX-J, their literal interpretation of the marketing has to be filtered through the lens of what a car is.
The good news is SCP-XXXX-J appears to be entirely harmless. Maybe we can use SCP-XXXX-J as a test bed for various vehicle modifications in the future.
- Dr. Simard 10/10/18
Doc's busy so I am adding this to the report myself. I regularly take SCP-XXXX-J into town for groceries. It helps maintain our cover to be seen driving an older vehicle, and Yugos are common enough "Barn Finds". It also lets me keep an eye on her performance and make sure the baseline is consistent over time.
So I'm in town today and I have the groceries, I toss them in the back like usual and I go to start SCP-XXXX-J up to head back, but she refused to turn over. No click, no crackle, nothing. I figure the battery cables must have come loose and pop the hood to check but everything was fine.
After some backtracking about anything different I'd done in case I somehow broke the unbreakable car. I couldn't think of anything so I took out the groceries. SCP-XXXX-J started right up no problem. Okay, so magic's messing with her somehow, right? Being a scientist I put everything in one item at a time.
It was the mayo. SCP-XXXX-J hates Heinz Mayo. Actually, she hates EVERY American brand of Mayo. Refuses to start if anything other than imported eastern European brand mayo is in the car.
Can anyone from the Occult Department explain this one please?
- Jr. R Robertson
Addendum XXXX-J-7: Zastava ███████████ Exploration Video Log Transcript
Addendum XXXX-J-8: SCP-XXXX-J Phase 4 Test Log
In accordance with O5-Order SCP-XXXX-J-2, SCP-XXXX-J's test logs are sealed. Personnel without Level 2 clearance may not view any detailed information relating to SCP-XXXX-J's capabilities.
Testing Conclusions
SCP-XXXX-J is, without a doubt, the best car I have ever seen. Regardless of what happens to SCP-XXXX-J, it will work exactly as the marketing says SCP-XXXX-J will. It will run on anything at all, gas, diesel, kerosene, cooking oil, blood, urine, water, vodka… No one can tamper with it if they have hostile intent towards someone who might use it. It's the prefect getaway car. What's more this property extends to any aftermarket parts applied to the vehicle. It's a shame the property doesn't remain on parts removed from SCP-XXXX-J. We could have made a fleet of cars that not only won't break down, but can always take you where you want to go in total safety.
Further testing of SCP-XXXX-J in its current form is unnecessary. However, testing SCP-XXXX-J's performance with various upgrades and aftermarket components installed is highly recommended due to the potential beneficial uses of SCP-XXXX-J.
- Dr. Simard 31/10/18
Addendum XXXX-J-9: Note from Project Research Head Dr. Simard
The Field Agents we sent to ████████ █, ██████████, Serbia came back today. We got lucky and they did their report writing on the plane. Normally you need to wait a week and sacrifice your firstborn child to see the report within 30 days of the mission's end. Even better, we have a breakthrough.
Turns out Zastava ███████████ was one of the fronts for funding the GRU Division Psychotronics. Always fun to get involved with the old Soviet occult agency. Our Agents are not sure about what exactly Zastava ███████████ did to help GRU-P, probably just funneled money to them but they did find out that GRU-P put a hit out on one ████████ Mikhaylov3.
Mr. Mikhaylov worked in the marketing department. We don't know much else about the guy other than he was a mid level manager of some kind. A lot was redacted in his publicly accessible files. Most of it, actually. Reminded me of reading some of our own files. The only thing I can say for sure about Mr. Mikhaylov's past is he was officially listed as dead in 1985. Suicide. Drove one of his factory's cars into the sea after a police chase.
Our agents dug into the old Soviet classified records as best they could with the resources given. We didn't find everything, but we found enough to start putting the pieces together. Mr. Mikhaylov was a GRU-P agent embedded in Zastava ███████████ to keep an eye on it. Looks like he decided to go rouge at some point and stole a prototype Yugo GV. That would be our SCP-XXXX-J.
Nothing official can back this up, but I think that the GRU-P was directly involved in SCP-XXXX-J's creation. SCP-XXXX-J is a non-flashy car that would have blended right into traffic in the mid 80s. In any country. These things were everywhere. The the GRU-P would have had a practically invisible field vehicle that would always work. No matter what.
True or not, Mr. Mikhaylov decided that the Soviets were not going to have this car, and stole it. If the non-classified reports are correct, given what we know about SCP-XXXX-J, I'm wondering if he simply drove it to America across the ocean floor. However he got SCP-XXXX-J here, he bought this farm and did his best to lay low. Really low. Locals say he was a shut in.
However low, it must not have been low enough. Mr. Mikhaylov set up his little system to warn the town if someone came after him, and he set up a few magical booby traps, and we found more than a few occultly enhanced weapons stashed around the house. Maybe that's how they found him. Scanned the US for high Hume fields and moved in once they found this hot-spot.
To think that even with all that preparation, Mr. Mikhaylov died because of something as negligent and silly as locking his keys in SCP-XXXX-J. He had the prefect getaway car, and still managed to screw up his escape. Ironic.
There's some more investigation to be done here. For whatever reason, the assassin(s) left SCP-XXXX-J behind. They must not have known that SCP-XXXX-J was the anomaly Mr. Mikhaylov stole. Or maybe they did know, but had no way to extract it from the US. It's not like they could have destroyed it and exporting a Yugo from the US to a soviet country would have raised a few red flags. Might have even gotten Foundation attention.
Whatever the reason, SCP-XXXX-J is ours now and we have plenty of uses for a functionally indestructible car. I'm going to petition the O-5 Council to allow field agents in need of an unarmed ground vehicle be issued SCP-XXXX-J for short missions.
Addendum XXXX-J-10: Note from O-5 2
SCP-XXXX-J has been approved for use by any Foundation member for official Foundation business only. SCP-XXXX-J may not be retained by any individual, group, or task force for more than 300 hours from the time SCP-XXXX-J crosses █████ Farm's property line. Should the alarm at █████ Farm be permanently disabled SCP-XXXX-J is to be transferred to Site 22's motor pool.
