Per 
Hiya, I'm NN. I suck at writing I think.
Put on hold until I figure out how to make it not-shit.
Item #: SCP-XXXX
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX-2 is to be kept in a standard concrete humanoid containment cell in Site-XX. Any personnel entering the containment cell must wear standard issue HAZMAT suits at all times. Delivering meals and maintaining sanitary conditions are to be carried out by D-Class personnel. No attempts must be made to retrieve or otherwise physically come into contact with SCP-XXXX-A by personnel. Tests involving direct contact with any living being with SCP-XXXX-A are only permitted with approval from staff of Level 4 clearance or higher.
As the effects of SCP-XXXX-A are long-term and not yet fully understood, any personnel that have come into close proximity to SCP-XXXX-A will receive examinations monthly in order to ascertain any possible radius-based anomalous effects and ensure employee safety. Should any personnel come into direct contact with SCP-XXXX-A, afflicted personnel must immediately report such to any superior officer and receive emergency medical attention.
Description: SCP-XXXX is the designation of a symbiotic relationship between instances of SCP-XXXX-A and SCP-XXXX-B.
SCP-XXXX-A is a cluster of succinite, more commonly known as Baltic amber, ranging from 6-11cm in length. Encased within the amber of each known instance of SCP-XXXX-A is a sphechomyrma, one of the oldest known ancestors of modern-day ants. Despite its anomalous properties, no tests have shown SCP-XXXX-A to be any different from regular Baltic amber. Currently, only four instances of SCP-XXXX-A have been discovered by the Foundation, though it has been speculated that there are more in existance.
SCP-XXXX-A displays various anomalous effects after it first makes contact with a human, which then becomes an instance of SCP-XXXX-B. SCP-XXXX-B, after first coming into contact with SCP-XXXX-A, will have the human aging process halted. Instances of SCP-XXXX-B have been shown to live up to █ times the average human lifespan, so long as they remain within close proximity of SCP-XXXX-A. SCP-XXXX-B remains capable of death by disease and injury.
If SCP-XXXX-A were to be destroyed or exit a radius of roughly 10 square metres of SCP-XXXX-B, the subject will immediately expire, typically from spontaneous arrythmia. If the subject expired from SCP-XXXX-A leaving its vicinity, the object will disintegrate, being left as nothing more than non-anomalous Baltic amber dust. The entrapped insect has been seen to reeanimate for up to 12 hours after a neutralization event, yet shows no other anomalous properties. SCP-XXXX-A will also lose any anomalous properties if significant damage has been received to the object.
If another human subject were to come into direct contact with SCP-XXXX-A after it has established a connection with an instance of SCP-XXXX-B, they fall victim to SCP-XXXX-A's tertiary effect. The subject's aging process begins to accelerrate, the extent of the accelerration dependant on what part of the subject's body first made contact and for how long contact was held. Reports from D-Class personnel used in testing describe the process as excruciating. The rate is theorized to grow exponentially, though this has yet to be proven.
Addendum [XXXX-1]: SCP-XXXX-1 first came to the Foundation's attention after rumours of a jeweler living to be over ███ years of age were spread around in █████████, Ukraine. It was shown to have no higher brain functions and attacked the assigned field agents animalistically. It was successfully contained on 04/03/82. The subject in possession of SCP-XXXX-A was uncooperative with Foundation staff. Upon confiscation of SCP-XXXX-A, SCP-XXXX-1 sufferred a fatal heart attack. SCP-XXXX-A was neutralized in the process.
Addendum [XXXX-2]: The Foundation received reports of an instance of SCP-XXXX-B had used SCP-XXXX-A's tertiary effect on a civillian to commit murder in ███████, the United Kingdom. The subject was detained and designated SCP-XXXX-2 on 11/10/2011.
SCP-XXXX-J manifesting in the breakroom of Site-28 after one of the staff reportedly mentioned that they found the TV series Family Guy to be lacking in humorous content.
Item #: SCP-XXXX-J
Object Class: Peter
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX-J is to be kept in a storage locker at Site-28. Under no circumstances is anyone within 20 square metres of SCP-XXXX-J to give a negative opinion or critique on the TV series Family Guy.
In the event of a containment breach, Class-C amnestics are to be administered to any afflicted subjects. Guards wearing blindfolds are to be posted on-site at all times in order to retrieve SCP-XXXX-J and place it into storage.
Description: SCP-XXXX-J is a cardboard cutout of the character Peter Griffin from the animated TV series Family Guy. SCP-XXXX-J is partially coloured and crudely drawn. The artist behind SCP-XXXX-J is currently unknown. SCP-XXXX-J is believed to be sapient despite showing no life signs.
The anomalous properties of SCP-XXXX-J manifest themselves whenever a subject within 20 square metres of SCP-XXXX-J vocalizes what could be interpreted as a negative opinion or critique of the TV series from which SCP-XXXX-J originates. SCP-XXXX-J teleports within the field of view of the subject, often being propped up against a wall. Any subjects viewing SCP-XXXX-J will begin to laugh uncontrollably and be unable to break eye contact with SCP-XXXX-J. This will often continue until either the subject has been restrained and removed from the location of SCP-XXXX-J, or until the subject suffers from asphyxiation.
Subjects afflicted from SCP-XXXX-J's anomalous properties have often failed to communicate with researchers. However, subjects have been seen attempting to communicate with SCP-XXXX-J. During such attempts, subjects ask SCP-XXXX-J if they remember specific humorous events that both the subject and SCP-XXXX-J witnessed. All such events have proven to be fabricated, presumably by SCP-XXXX-J.
Addendum [XXXX-J-A]: SCP-XXXX-J first came to the Foundation's attention after reports from an apartment building in ██████, New York City came in about a civilian causing a noise complaint. After police had arrived, they too were afflicted by SCP-XXXX-J's anomalous properties. Foundation agents at the site who contained SCP-XXXX-J found a note attached to the base of SCP-XXXX-J. A transcript of this note has been attached and the physical copy is being researched for potential anomalous properties.
Dear Dave,
FUCK YOU DAVE WHAT THE FUCK WILL YOU STOP TALKING SHIT ABOUT FAMILY GUY HOLY SHIT IT IS THE FUNNIEST SHOW EVER STOP FUCKING SAYING THAT FUTURAMA IS WAY BETTER YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND TRUE HUMOUR
Lots of love,
Peter
Addendum [XXXX-J-B]: Attempts to communicate with subjects regarding the TV series Family Guy have been successful. See Interview XXXX-J-1 for further details. The meaning of "funny moments" has not yet been deciphered and is currently under investigation. Doctor Morrissey, who had been assigned to view the entirety of Family Guy, claims to have not been able to find any segments of the series that he deems "funny".
<Begin Interview XXXX-J-1>
Dr. Morrissey: Can you tell us why exactly you find Family Guy to be so humorous?
D-90210: [Subject is unable to answer due to laughter.]
Dr. Morrissey: What are you laughing at?
D-90210: [Subject manages to stifle laughter in order to speak.] FAMILY GUY FUNNY MOMENTS!
Dr. Morrissey: Funny moments? What funny moments?
D-90210: [Subject continues laughter. Fails to give answer to any further questions posed by Dr. Morrissey.]
<End Interview>
Closing Statement: D-90210 later died of asphyxiation in his cell. According to the on-call medical team, his final words were "Remember that time Brian had herpes?"
