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Electronic copy below as per Federal Records Act
UIU File 2019 - 081: Case File "Payless Treesource"
Type:1
- ︎☐︎ Cart
- ︎☐︎ Can
- ︎🗷︎ Can Man
Assignee: Special Agent Volokh
District: Connecticut
Classification: ORCON (Originator Controlled)
Date opened: 16 August 2019
Date filed: 17 September 2019
Name: Jason Larson
Irregularity Cross-reference: Human, Arboreal, Counterfeit, Criminal, Footwear
Physical Description:
| Sex | Height | Weight/Build | Race | Hair | Eyes | Identifying Attributes |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| F | 5'8" | Average | Black | Dark | Brown | Presents as Male |
Capabilities: Suspect Larson is capable of scaling any tree ("Input Tree") in an unusually fast manner while evading law enforcement personnel. Through anomalous means, the Suspect is brought instead to a tree outside an abandoned Payless Shoesource in ████, Fairfield County, Connecticut ("Output Tree").
Larson is an otherwise unremarkable individual.
Purpose/Motive: Suspect noted a difficulty paying his rent and had a need to earn income. Counterfeiting brand-name footwear products seemingly presented an easy opportunity to remedy that despite its illegality.
He was unable to convey to investigators any reasonable explanation for his anomalous capabilities. However, Larson did note that the Output Tree is located within the town where he grew up and claims to have a childhood history of climbing trees.
Modus Operandi: It should generally be noted that subject has only ever been seen using his anomalous capabilities while evading law enforcement. It can be extrapolated from there that Larson generally places himself with close proximity to trees when there is a reasonable need to flee from perceived threats (such as when committing criminal activities).
Behavior: Suspect Larson has an extremely fatalistic outlook. His mood can shift rapidly of the course of a conversation- especially when made to talk about himself.
A. Video footage: Body camera footage recorded by Bridgeport Police Officer Madeleine Hilal during the August 2019 Incident.
Attachment A.1: UIU ExtenFacial Database Report
Result: Match found
Photo: Still frame from Evidence A video footage
Match type: School records (strictly confidential)
Percent match: 90% confidence
Name on record: Jason Larson
Agent comments: Yeah, this looks like our guy. Academic records don't give us a lot to go by, but it does say he was put in some sort of suicide prevention program his senior year. - Volokh
B. Incident report: Written record of the August 2019 incident as sworn by Officer Hilal. Such report is discussed in detail by Special Agent Volokh.
Attachment B.1. (excerpt)
From the incident report dated 15 August 2019:Narrative:
…
Upon visible approach, Suspect immediately fled towards the edge of the tennis courts approximately 15 meters from his starting location. My partner began to call for backup as I initiated a foot pursuit with around fifty meters between myself and the Suspect. After three seconds of chase, Suspect turned to hide behind a tree while I closed the remaining length.
…
Suspect was nowhere to be found.Signed and sworn:
Ofc. Madeleine Hilal
Attachment B.2: Officer Hilal - Questioning (transcript)
Parties: Officer Madeleine Hilal ("HILAL") and Special Agent Sam Volokh ("VOLOKH")
Date: 3 September 2019
Forward: Officer Hilal's report came to the attention of a Skipper embedded within Bridgeport PD and who promptly forwarded it to UIU for review. This is Special Agent Volokh's interview with the responding officer.
<Begin Transcript>
VOLOKH: State your name for the record please.
HILAL: Madeleine Hilal. Madeleine is spelled M-A-D-E-L-E-I-N-E.
VOLOKH: It's good to meet you Officer Hilal. As I said earlier, I'm Special Agent Volokh with the FBI.
HILAL: Are you going to finally explain what exactly the Feds want to do with me now that we're on record?
VOLOKH: Of course, ma'am. We wanted to bring you in to discuss a recent case of yours.
HILAL: Is this about giving me an award, or do I need to call my union steward?
VOLOKH softly chuckles
VOLOKH: Ah, sorry. You're not in any trouble. We just wanted to learn more about what happened to John2 Larson on 15th of last August.
HILAL: Who?
VOLOKH: The suspect in ████████ Park.
HILAL: The kid who counterfeits shoes? I tried arresting him, and he ran away. What of it?
VOLOKH: We reviewed your incident report, officer. You weren't in a very large and open park. With the direction he was heading, his options of escape involved jumping in a river or crossing four-to-five lanes of traffic.
HILAL remains silent for a moment.
VOLOKH: You are going to tell me he hid in a tree, and you just didn't notice?
HILAL: No, I saw him.
VOLOKH: Then where did he go?
HILAL: He was gone!
HILAL lifts her head up as her eyes grow wider for half a second.
HILAL: You ID'd him?
VOLOKH pauses for a moment.
VOLOKH: Look, your record is stunning, bu—
HILAL: Wait, why does the FBI care about this anyways?
VOLOKH: We have evidence that Larson is a part of an interstate criminal conspiracy.
HILAL: Uh-huh…
VOLOKH: It's highly confidential, so I'm afraid I can't discuss it.
HILAL: Naturally.
A brief pause.
HILAL: I'm from Bridgeport; I know when I've seen something shady.
HILAL: There's a lot of that right now.
VOLOKH: It has been a pleasure. Give the mayor my regards.
<End Transcript>
C. Pair of shoes: Two counterfeit ████-brand shoes in possession by the subject at time of arrest.
D. Suspect interview: Suspect was interviewed by Special Agent Volokh after initially declining counsel.
Attachment D.1: Larson initial interview (transcript)
Parties: Special Agent Sam Volokh ("VOLOKH") and Suspect Jason Larson ("LARSON")
Date: 10 September 2019
<Begin Transcript>
VOLOKH: Let's start with your name, for the record, please.
LARSON: Jason Larson.
VOLOKH: Okay, Mr. Larson. Tell me about yourself.
LARSON: I sell shoes.
VOLOKH: Kinda like Al Bundy then, right?
LARSON cracks a bit of a smile.
LARSON: Yeah, a bit like Al Bundy.
VOLOKH begins to respond but is stopped when LARSON resumes speaking.
LARSON: Except I have no family, and the shoe store went bankrupt.
There is a brief silence. Larson looks visibly distressed.
VOLOKH: …And you climb trees.
LARSON: …And I climb mother-[expletive] trees.
Nothing is said for an awkward period which lasts for almost a minute. VOLOKH gets up to leave the room for a moment before returning with a file. VOLOKH places the file on the table and moves it towards LARSON. LARSON responds by opening up the file and taking hold of a business card that was paper-clipped to the manila folder.
VOLOKH: Okay, let's try something else. That's Officer Hilal's initiative report about her encounter with you last August.
LARSON does not reply except by silently examining the business card now in his hand.
VOLOKH: So… we were wondering how you got away that day. If you look at the repor—
LARSON: I didn't recognize her.
VOLOKH: Who?
LARSON: Don't I get a phone call or something?
VOLOKH: You mean Officer Hilal?
LARSON: You wouldn't get it. I'm done talking to you. I know I don't have to. The guy yesterday said I could get a lawyer if I needed one.
VOLOKH: Okay, give me a second.
VOLOKH exits the room once again only to return 30 seconds later.
VOLOKH: Officer Hilal is on her way. Do you still wish to talk to legal counsel?
<End Transcript>
Attachment D.2: Larson secondary interview (transcript)
Parties: Officer Madeleine Hilal ("HILAL"), Special Agent Sam Volokh ("VOLOKH"), and Suspect Jason Larson ("LARSON")
Date: 10 September 2019
<Begin Transcript>
HILAL: How's it going, kid?
LARSON: You recognize me, Officer Maddy?
HILAL: I didn't at first, no. Then again, they first told me your name was John, and I don't know anyone named John Larson… Little Jason, though? How could I forget.
HILAL pauses a moment to examine LARSON more thoroughly.
HILAL: You've grown a lot since I was an SRO3 at your school.
LARSON: Let's just call it exercise.
HILAL: Yeah that works…
HILAL: How are your parents doing?
LARSON: Disowned me. Kicked me out and everything, too.
HILAL: Oh, I'm sorry, Jason. You shouldn't have had to deal with that.
LARSON: It was fine for awhile, but when I lost my job I couldn't afford rent.
HILAL noticeably frowns.
HILAL: Why did you want to see me?
LARSON: Thank you for saving me… back then.
HILAL: Like I said when you graduated, you don't need to thank m—
LARSON: —And I'm sorry for using… whatever it is… to run away.
HILAL: Jason, what are you talking about?
LARSON: Back in ████, I climbed trees a lot.
HILAL: I know. Why are you saying this?
LARSON: That day. When I climbed that tree behind my work.
HILAL: You called me, and I talked you down. Why ar—
LARSON: You don't get it. I haven't been the same since that day!
HILAL: Jason, what are you talking about?
VOLOKH enters the room frantically motioning towards LARSON to stop talking. HILAL appears confused and cocks her head to the right slightly at VOLOKH's sudden entrance.
VOLOKH: Larson, I'm shutting this down. Officer Hilal, outside. Now.
HILAL hesitates before getting up and exchanges glances with both LARSON and VOLOKH.
LARSON: Please, don't go!
LARSON begins to tear up. HILAL, who initially was making her way towards the door on the far side of the room, stops to hug LARSON.
LARSON: There's so much more I wanted to tell you… I don't want to be alone anymore.
HILAL: I'm sorry Jason, but this isn't my call to make. Ask to speak to a public defender, and you'll be okay.
LARSON looks at HILAL and nods. HILAL exits the room with VOLOKH failing to fully close the door. Inaudible voices can be heard for around 8 minutes before VOLOKH reenters.
VOLOKH: We have enough to press charges now. You're attorney will meet you in a few days after you get transferred to Enfield Prison.
LARSON: …
VOLOKH: You will not be permitted any more visitors besides your assigned legal council. Protocol dictates we erase the memory of anyone who has come into contact with an anomaly except those with certain legal privileges— lawyers, siblings, and the like.
LARSON: E-even…?
VOLOKH: She doesn't need to know about you— what you've… become. It's for the best this way.
VOLOKH slowly leaves the room and begins to close the door.
VOLOKH: Goodbye, Mr. Larson.
<End Transcript>
Current Status: Incarcerated at Federal Prison Camp, Enfield. Awaiting trial.
Crimes: (A) 5 counts of Trafficking in counterfeit goods or services. (18 U.S.C. 2320)
(B) Various Chapter 138 violations of the United States Criminal Code. (18 U.S.C. ████, ████, & ████)
(C) Petty theft.
Recommended Sentencing: 10 years with no possibility of parole.
History of UIU Action:
15 August 2019: Date of occurrence for the "August 2019 Incident." Suspect Larson is found selling counterfeit ████-brand shoes at ███████ Park in Bridgeport by Officer Hilal and her partner. Suspect flees and quickly relocates himself to the Output Tree in ████, Connecticut using his anomalous powers.
Suspect is described as a transgender African-American male in his mid-twenties. Body camera footage recorded at the event is later used to successfully make an ID to Jason Larson using a match found within the UIU ExtenFacial Database (See Attached Evidence A.1).
16 August 2019: SCP Foundation embedded agent within the Bridgeport PD ("Skipper") forwards Officer Hilal's Initial Incident report to the Special Agent in Charge of the Connecticut Field Office. Special Agent Sam Volokh is assigned to the case file.
3 September 2019: Officer Hilal is brought in by Special Agent Volokh for an interview (See Attached Evidence B.2).
4 September 2019: Skipper sends in a tip of a Can Man spotted in the Northwest corner of Bridgeport on 17 August after getting off Route 8 that morning. Can Man's profile matches Larson's.
Skipper adds that Officer Hilal was asking a lot of questions to her superiors after her interview yesterday. Skipper notes that "It'd probably be for the best if her time in Bridgeport PD came to an end sooner than later."
6 September 2019: A warrant is written out and issued for Jason Larson's arrest. Police in Bridgeport and surrounding areas are informed.
Special Agent Volokh forms two teams for deployment on the following Monday.
9 September 2019: Team A travels to Larson's familial residence in ████ to find probable leads on suspect's current location.
Team B deploys in Bridgeport at known criminal hot-spots. Suspect is found sooner than expected at ███████ Park, and a foot-chase once again occurs. Once suspect reaches and climbs a nearby tree, he disappeared as he did in the August 2019 incident.
Team A, still en route to their location, spot Larson fleeing from a Payless Shoesource. Suspect is quickly cornered and apprehended by Team A.
10 September 2019: Suspect Larson declines counsel and agrees to interview Special Agent Volokh. However, Suspect instead requests to see Officer Hilal after a brief period of questioning. (See Attached Evidence D.1).
Jason Larson's request is granted, and subject admits to using anomalous capabilities in furtherance of a crime (18 U.S.C. ████), resisting arrest via anomalous capabilities (18 U.S.C. ████), and conspiracy to share unauthorized information about anomalies to the general public (18 U.S.C. ████). The latter was attempted by knowingly informing Officer Hilal of his own anomalous powers, but she was removed from the interview before this information could be made explicit.
11 September 2019: Skipper is informed of the events which occurred the previous day. With the approval of Special Agent Volokh, Skipper agrees to take Officer Hilal to their local containment site in order to oversee the administration of Class G amnestics.
16 September 2019: Jason Larson is transferred to Federal Prison Camp, Enfield where he will remain until his first trial appearance.
17 September 2019: Complete report is filed.
Agent comments: The Skippers weren't happy about this one. I got an earful from that Bridgeport agent who was pretty miffed about the whole situation. They wanted to use Class C amnestics to make Hilal completely forget about Jason Larson, but I felt too uneasy about that. They grumbled a lot, but I finally talked them down to just using Class G.
This case file will be forwarded to Sandra at Human Resources to begin an initial vetting process for Officer Hilal. The Skippers these days seem intent on only giving us intel on people who are basically children, so it would be good to get someone with that kind of background experience.
I'm classifying this report as ORCON on the off-chance Hilal actually makes it through the vetting process. It's better safe than sorry here. - Volokh
Electronic copy below as per Federal Records Act
UIU File 2020 - 013: Case File "Spicy Verde"
Summary: Artifact generated by an unidentified anomalous internet group. Cart came to attention through a standard "Hey, Skipper" call which was followed up by Special Agent Hilal.
The Cart is a single grey 17oz bag of Doritos corn-based chips which professes to be a "new mystery flavor" and is currently being held by the Skippers. The object's creator, its intended recipient, and their associates remain unknown and at this time.
Irregularity Cross-reference: Food, Memetic
Physical Description: The Cart is a grey colored 17oz ("family size") bag of Doritos-brand corn-based chips (family sized), a food product normally sold by Frito-Lay, Inc. However, the chip bag shows obvious signs of the product being an imitation, displaying text in Impact and comic sans fonts. The bag is also covered with a series of dark grey question marks, and the product is titled "New Mystery Flavor."
Capabilities: According to the Skippers, the Cart has a taste which invokes in subjects various imagery of popular "gaming memes". One individual who had consumed the product stated, "It tastes exactly like how it felt to teabag my friends in CoD."4
A secondary effect of the Cart is apparently improved performance in "First Person Shooters" such as Halo, PlayerUnknown's Battlegrounds (during a first person perspective), Call of Duty, and other popular titles.
Health experts on retainer by the UIU noted that consuming more than the recommended serving size likely would have adverse effects on an individual's dopamine receptors.
Purpose/Motive: Artifact was seemingly created to provide its creator notoriety within their group of internet friends. It is speculated by investigators that its development was due to various "in-jokes" shared within said group.
Modus Operandi: Object triggers its anomalous effect only upon its consumption.
Behavior: No noticeable behavior by the artifact was detected.
Excerpt: February 7th, 2020
MintyDay Shore buddy
wheelonwheels has joined.
wheelonwheels yo
FBI_Official Sup5
kkrule wheelonwheels hey
wheelonwheels i have just created a snackfood that shall see me worshipped fro at least a 1000 years
FBI_Official Oh?
wheelonwheels lol kkrule u will appreciate this
wheelonwheels ye
kkrule what is it
wheelonwheels meme-flavoured
wheelonwheels doritos
kkrule :0
FBI_Official Um, wutlucy has left. [Quit: Ping timeout: 256 seconds].
wheelonwheels FBI_Official its not to hard to understan
FBI_Official How do you taste a meme?
wheelonwheels it tastes exactly like the feelin u get after a 360 no-scope
kkrule :0
FBI_Official Not sure I follow
wheelonwheels see kk gets it
wheelonwheels kkrule ill share wit u first
kkrule :0
bones kkrule Are you okay?
wheelonwheels hes fine
wheelonwheels juts blown a way
MintyDay I'm out.
MintyDay Not doing this again.MintyDay has left. [Quit: Nopenopenopenopenope].
wheelonwheels bones wats md's problem
bones MintyDay does not like food-based jokes.
FBI_Official Still hasn't gotten over smoka-cola after all this time?
bones It isn't appropriate for me speculate on that.
kkrule wheelonwheels can i seriously have some
FBI_Official That's fair
wheelonwheels kkrule ye
wheelonwheels ill overnite them to u
kkrule :0
B. Bag of Doritos: Item as described in report.
C. 265.14(d)(5) Request:To: Postmaster
██████████, CT 06███Agency Control Number: N/A
Date: 7 February 2020ADDRESS INFORMATION REQUEST
Please furnish this agency with the new address, if available, for the following individual or verify whether or not the address given below is one at which mail for this individual is currently being delivered. If the following address is a post office box, please furnish the street address as recorded on the boxholder’s application form.
Name: kkrule
Last Known Address: P.O. Box ███, ██████████, CT 06███-███I certify that the address information for this individual is required for the performance of this agency’s official duties.
/s/ Madeleine Hilal
(Signature of Agency Official)
Special Agent
(Title)
FOR POST OFFICE USE ONLY
☐ MAIL IS DELIVERED TO ADDRESS GIVEN
☐ NOT KNOWN AT ADDRESS GIVEN
☐ MOVED, LEFT NO FORWARDING ADDRESS
☐ NO SUCH ADDRESS
🗷 OTHER (SPECIFY):
For the last time, we are not going to tell you kids
where "kkrule" lives just because he beat you in
some video game or whatever, so stop asking!
Impersonating a federal officer is a crime, you know.
Current Status: Stored in secure SCP Foundation Site ███; evidence locker #██████.
Crimes: One Chapter 138 violation of the United States Criminal Code. (18 U.S.C. ████).
Sentencing: N/A
History of UIU Action: 7 February 2020: 11:00AM: Special Agent Hilal receives a "Hey, Skipper" call from undisclosed number about a low-priority Cart en route to P.O. Box ███, ██████████, CT 06███-███. Evidence A is quickly forwarded to Special Agent Hilal from a confirmed Skipper email address.
7 February 2020: 11:30AM: Per Postal Service regulations,6 a written request on behalf of the UIU to Postmaster ███████ for the owner of P.O. Box ███ (the "265.14(d)(5) Request") is made and promptly delivered.
7 February 2020: 1:00PM: Special Agent Hilal and Prosecutor Afia successfully obtain a search warrant for the contents of P.O. Box ███. This warrant is signed by Judge █████ of the United States Domestic Security Court for New England.
7 February 2020: 3:00PM: Evidence B (the Cart) is obtained from P.O. Box ███.
12 February 2020: The 265.14(d)(5) Request is denied per the reasons cited in Evidence C.
17 February 2020: The Cart is handed over to the Skippers for standard containment. It will remain available to UIU agents upon request.
- teabag
- A popular taunt done in various multiplayer first person shooter videogames which imitates a perverse sexual act.
- CoD
- Acronym for the franchise Call of Duty.
