Moonbank

Item #: SCP-XXX-J

Shed Class: Keter

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Containment Procedures: SCP-XXX-J is to be kept far away from all human activity to avoid excessive cringe. However, object can easily be contained and is currently held in Dr. Jakob's backyard as Dr. Jakob has become used to SCP-XXX-J's effect and no longer wants to die.

Dr. Jakob's house is suitably far from any other human development and/or activity, so, for now, humanity is safe from the cringe.

Description: SCP-XXX-J is a Keter Shed (wtf is this joke?). It is also THE WORST PUN EVER MADE capable of invading others minds within a 40 meter radius and letting them know that it is THE WORST PUN EVER MADE a pun, and a shit one at that.

SCP-XXX-J's effect increases in severity over time, much to the dismay of sane humans. Even more, it's a basic safety hazard as personnel who enter SCP-XXX-J's range of effect for extended periods of time will often resort to violence at the utter stupidity of SCP-XXX-J.

SCP-XXX-J is not anomalous in any way except its THE WORST PUN EVER MADE memetic effect. It's quite a useful Keter shed and is also constructed of Keter Plastic to add to its idiocy. Whoever thought that was a good material to use was taking the fucking piss.

The manufacturer of SCP-XXX-J is still unknown, though it is presumed that the cringe was too bad and they all died.

Addendum:

SCP-XXX-J was discovered in a garden centre in Arkansas, where shoppers complained of an excessive cringe that would haunt them for weeks after. Surprisingly it turned out to be a Keter Shed causing the Keter Shed pun that customers complained of, the only Keter Shed for sale in the garden center. And it only took the Foundation A FUCKING WEEK TO IDENTIFY.

Permission to expose SCP-682 to SCP-XXX-J as a termination attempt is currently pending, as it is theorized that not even 682 could survive a full day of shitty puns.

SCP-XXX-J is currently pending approval from the government to be used as a method of torture. To be used on foreign spies in order to get a confession, it is theorized if they are locked inside the shed, they'll be scared as balls within 5 minutes.

Incident XXX/29/04:

Researcher Quinn unintentionally strayed across SCP-XXX-J whilst visiting Dr. Jakob.

Begin Log:

Dr. Jakob: Ahh, hello Quinn. I need to remind you that SCP-XXX-J is located-

Quinn: Oh no. No no no no no. THAT IS SHIT.

Dr. Jakob: I believe you may be exposed. Would you like to step inside?

Quinn: YES. IM CRINGING TO DEATH.

[Both step inside Jakob's house.]

Dr. Jakob: Now. Do you feel better?

Quinn: If your motherfucking shed puns are "better", then yea.

Dr. Jakob: It appears we are still within SCP-XXX-J's effect range. I advise we move into my front room-

Quinn: What? You could have told me you have that bastard in your backyard, Jakob! No wonder you have such SHIT PUNS.

Dr. Jakob: Are you OK, Quinn? I feel you should head back to the site now.

Quinn: I'm never gonna forget this stupid goddamn joke! Seriously Jakob, I'm gonna hurt you for this!

[At this point in the log, Quinn starts slapping Jakob with a book found on the floor. Security personnel intervene, though they too start slapping each other. When questioned, personnel said, "the cringe made me do it."]

[End log]

Seriously, I've had it to here with that stupid shed.