Per 
Item #: SCP-8000-J
Object Class: nose picker
No no wait that's not right… eh it's Euclid.
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-8000-J is currently contained in a disused SUBWAY fast food restaurant off of Interstate ███. Civilians are denied entry to the site and supplied with Standard Cover Story 8000 - "Because we have guns and you don't" if they ask why "we won't let them get their darn Subway."
Description: SCP-8000-J is a 20 year old Caucasian male approximately 2 meters tall, weighing 58 kilograms. SCP-8000-J calls itself [DATA REDACTED], Site Personnel have refrained from calling him his desired nickname and has resorted to calling him by his first name, Neil.
Neil was employed by the fast food franchise "SUBWAY" and frequently complains how he should be promoted to "Assistant Manager".
Neil has managed to get every GOD █████ ████████ SANDWICH ORDER WRONG, THAT LITTLE ██████. When Neil is asked for a "$5 Foot Long" (SCP-8000-1-J) he proceeds to give the consumer the wrong sandwich, even though I CLEARLY asked for chicken, NOT baloney, the ██████…
Neil, despite his horrible sandwich-making skills, has the abnormal ability to deliver a sandwich to anywhere to anyone within 20 minutes. It appears that, during delivery, obstacles do not impede Neil, but the distance between the receiver of the sandwich and Neil himself. See Test One.
SCP-8000-1-J makes the consumer green, cures cancer, or gives the consumer Stage 2 Cancer. See Test Two.
Experiment Log:
Test One
Neil was given the task of delivering a sandwich 500m away from him to D-2500. Stone walls and a security team stood in Neil's path.
Neil is seen leaving the room he was placed in. When he meets the security team blocking the quickest (and only known) path to D-2500, he frowns slightly and doubles back, out of view. He was not seen until 10 minutes later, when the security team got a call from the receiver of the sandwich.
D-2500: Hello? Is that Agent Irvin?
>
Security Team ██: What do you want? You're not supposed to radio in to us until SCP-8000-J delivers the item to you.
D-2500: He did. Neil is pretty chill, you know? My kind of gu- ARE YOU ██████████ KIDDING ME NEIL YOU █████ YOU GOT MY ORDER WRONG █████!
Security Team ██: D-2500 do you copy? D-2500…? D-2500 answer me NOW! Do you copy?
[DATA EXPUNGED]
Test Two
3 entities of SCP-8000-1-J were to be consumed by D-2563, D-5812, and D-6342.
D-2563 ate SCP-8000-1-J, and almost immediately turned a dark shade of the color green.
D-2563: WHAT THE ████ JESUS ██████ WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?
D-2563 was removed from the testing area, and appeared to be in no harm.
D-5812 ate his sandwich, and was given Stage 2 cancer. D-5812 proceeded to collapse to the ground in pain.
D-6342 force-fed D-5812 his sandwich (later, when we interrogated D-6342, we found out he hoped that his sandwich would kill D-5812), and to the tester's surprise, D-6342 was restored to normal health.
All D-class were sent back to their cells, and D-2563 was still a dark shade of green. D-2563 was monitored throughout the week and was reported to still be green. Facility staff now believe that the "green effect" is permanent.
