Per 
Transcript of Orientation Programme for Site-19 Facility 23 Personnel
Hello everyone, thank you for showing up to your orientation. It's not like you could have skipped it anyway. The name's Laskenta. I'm here to tell you how to properly test SCP-914 because it seems like there is at least one guy every month that gets killed by it.
No, that was not a joke.
No, everything in the official documentation for SCP-914 is true. There is an easy explanation for it; people seem to lose common sense when entering these halls.
It seems like half of you are new interns. I'm going to make the guess that the rest of you have been forcefully reassigned here after you fucked up or you fled from a more dangerous position. Anyway, let us start with the actual orientation. We would be in Research Cell 109-B now, but Darby is currently testing. He - among others - is the first bullet point in this introduction. Did all of you take the papers when you entered the room? … Yeah, just get it. It's fine.
Now, what you are seeing here is a list of all the personnel on-Site. I've put a traffic light symbol beside every face to show you who has problems with testing and everyday thinking.
Huh? Yeah. Everyone has at least a yellow light. The only green ones are the directors. Good guess. Yes, that's why they are the directors.
You might have noticed that my tone is not as professional as you would have expected. That's because we are at a relatively small Site with a relatively safe environment. One might even say that we're like a big family. Don't let that fool you though; the test logs you will be creating have to be just as correct as the ones at the major Sites. In fact, the people on the list with red traffic lights beside their names are also people you can have a normal conversation with. Just take my advice and don't enter Research Cell 109-B with them.
Ok, I can see that all of you are thrilled to throw stuff in the machine and look at what it has created. Preferably on Very Fine. You! Yes, you there. What's your first test idea? What kind of security precautions would you put into place before testing? No shame, it's your first time.
I should be surprised, but I'm not. You managed to make more than three mistakes and at least two of them are mentioned in the SCP documentation. Bread, as it is created from wheat, is biological and poses a big threat during testing. Especially while testing on Very Fine. Not to mention that any biological testing must be cleared by O5 Command. Using grenades as a "safety precaution" is a huge no-no. We can neither recreate 914, as it is far too complex nor can we predict what would happen to the output. Or the rest of the Facility. Or the entire universe. That is Very Fine, ladies and gentlemen. Play God at your own peril, mortals. Which is why we have special testing protocols to follow when we try to identify the nature of the output. Yes?
Ah, you have been informed about the situation here… Yes, we do lose about fifteen D-Class per month. We use them to fetch the outputs. Please guess what happens to the researchers that don't use D-Class. Actually, most of them are fine. But those people don't put explosives into The Clockworks.
Heh. I like how you thought that was a joke. To sum up this orientation and give you a small but important piece of advice: Have common sense, don't touch your outputs, don't go near any researcher with a history of doing dangerous tests and read the logs. Now, does anyone have any more questions?
The break room looks bigger from the inside because of a test result. The room expander came out of 914 years ago. And I know, I just told you to not touch your outputs. But for some strange reason, half of them end up in the break room anyway. You, with the notebook.
A mug stole your wallet? No, you're not hallucinating. Ask Intern Lunar about it. It's his pet mug, Jeff. Another test result. There are more pets like that on-Site. Much to our director Dr. Veritas' distress. Yes, person-who-almost-threw-himself-away-to-put-his-hand-up?
Who are you assigned to, if you don't know the Director of Research Dr. Lucius Veritas? He owns the office in which you will sit if you fuck up badly. He is also the one that will tell the guards to point their guns at you.
That was a joke. I think. Ok, last question.
What are we actually testing for? Well, to ascertain how 914 works, of course. Some people here think it's a sentient being, I say it is a machine with many program errors. Or maybe it's just a riddle to keep unwanted personnel from important stuff away. Anyw-
<sounds of explosions>
Everybody, come with me now. It appears Darby's test has finished. Follow me and try not to get lost. If you see a guy in a lab coat speedwalking towards the test chamber and veins in his temple throbbing, that's Veritas. Keep walking and do not make eye contact. I'm going to show you the safe room.
