Per 
Noelle Neutralises Stuff
Set in Site-19 Facility-23, we follow the many misadventures of Dr. Noelle Cahill and Intern Eli Snevets as they slowly works their way through the Anomalous Storage wing, clearing away as much of the junk (that has slowly accumulated since the late 1900s) as possible.
Fair Warning: Some minitales may contain light swearing, so don't complain if someone looks over your shoulder at your screen and starts yelling at you.
Each tale is labelled with the relevant test number featuring the output from SCP-914 that can be found in Experiment Log 914. Happy reading!
ARC/19-23
Of Vegemite and Other Australian Delights
Test 914-1003
An animate lifeform made out of Vegemite, resembling a slug. It has a slight corrosive effect and eats anything that contains significant amounts of salt, yeast, malt, or vegetable extract. Its preferred food is alcohol.
Addendum: The slug contains a minor cognitohazard. Anyone from Australia will think that it is cute when anyone not of Australian descent will find it repulsive.
Note: Please can I keep it? It’s adorable. - AR King
Note: Put in storage until cleared non-hazardous by the containment team as far away from my office as possible. - Veritas
Dr. Noelle Cahill was having the great-grandfather of all headaches. Her third day back at work and there already was a folder on her desk. A letter of complaint, no less.
One hand desperately rubbing at her temple, she scrabbled for the letter-opener sitting just out of reach at the corner of her desk…
"There's a slug in Anomalous Storage made of-" Noelle nearly inhaled her cup of pu'er tea. "There's a slug in Anomalous Storage made of Vegemite?" she gaped. And it has, somehow, breached containment. She sighed and stood up.
Grabbing her labcoat off the rack next to the door, Noelle strode off towards the interns' quarters. Eli is going to suffer with me, whether he likes it or not. I am so not doing this alone.
Ten minutes later, Dr. Noelle Cahill stood outside the secure door to the Anomalous Storage wing of Site-19 Facility-23, Intern Eli Snevets following close behind and looking like he wanted to be anywhere but where he currently stood.
Noelle turned around and sighed, "Standard tactics. You go in, make some noise, lure the slug out, and I'll stick it back into the containment vessel. Clear?" Eli nods dejectedly as Noelle takes out her identification card and swipes it across the scanner.
The door slides open noiselessly and Eli quickly dashes in, noisily clapping his hands and stomping his feet, weaving in between shelves of containment boxes of assorted sizes in a futile attempt to find the Vegemite slug.
Noelle follows quietly behind him, keeping her eyes peeled for any sign of movement. Slowly, she became aware of the smell of… is that Vegemite?
Eli calls out from behind a shelf adjacent to her. "Hey Doc? I think I smell Vegemite round here." Indeed, the distinctive sulfur-and-yeast scent of Vegemite was beginning to grow stronger.
But where is that damn slug? Noelle hisses in frustration and looks around. Suddenly, she senses something… a presence above her. She ducks to her right as three huge blobs of Vegemite the size of watermelons drip onto the floor from the ceiling, sizzling all the way down.
Her eyes wide as saucers, she squeaks, "Eli! Watch the ceiling!" Too late. He yells as twelve whole kilograms worth of Vegemite gastropoda collapses on his head and shoulders in a sudden, savage ambush from above.
Noelle growls, her fear momentarily forgotten, and she dashes towards Eli. She slaps the mass of Vegemite with the XL-size Class-II Plastic Containment Vessel in her hand angrily. Once, twice, and it finally responds by pausing in its attempt to absorb one entire Intern Eli Snevets.
She snarls, "Alright, listen up you big slush of Marmite rip-off. You can either choose to come into this container right now, or I will personally terminate you in the incinerator. You heard me? Veritas might be nice enough to entertain whichever monkey in a labcoat who created you with 914, but if you don't play nice, I won't too."
The huge slug resting on top of Eli's head and shoulders lets out a loud, squelch that sounded suspiciously like a groan and slowly drips to the floor and begins crawling reluctantly towards Noelle's feet. She grins and places the containment vessel down, while Eli begins moaning about his shirt and labcoat.
"Doc, this was my favourite Star Wars shirt! It's gonna be forever ruined by the smell of Vegemite, Doc. Are you even listening, Doc? Even my hair stinks," Eli grumbles.
Noelle crouched down and snapped, "Help me lift this fat lump of Vegemite and quit whining while you're at it." Eli rolls his eyes but quickly lifts the container and its slug. Time to shove it back to where it belongs.
Noelle stalks out of Anomalous Storage triumphantly with Eli following right behind her. One Vegemite slug on Coarse and her life would have one less slug to occupy her attention with.
Then, Researcher Ija Rasclon walks up to them. Noelle groans internally. Do all Australians have some sort of GPS directing them to the nearest tub of Vegemite?
Predictably, Rasclon's first words are, "Is that Vegemite I smell?"
Noelle sighs. "Coarse first, lunch later," she grumbles as Rasclon nods and skips away, a new spring in her step now that she knows that today's bread rolls would have extra Vegemite spread.
Eli pipes up, "Hey Doc, you got any Tim Tams?"
ARC/19-23
Meow! Goes Veritas
Test 914-1030
A small, animate cat made of plastic and metal.
Note: Interesting. Something new to study. - NT Rare
Addendum: The cat has been found to be capable of swapping its voice with that of a human subject. When this occurs, the cat gains the ability to speak in the subject’s voice, and the subject becomes incapable of making any vocalization other than meowing. The cat has been placed in containment until a method of undoing this can be found.
Note: Meow! - Researcher Miniwa
Note: Dr. Veritas has discovered a method of counteracting the cognitohazard. Said method involves striking the cheek of the subject forcefully, while vocalising encouragement to ''snap out of it''. While unorthodox, this method has been effective on 100% of the victims so far. - Sedna
Dr. Noelle Cahill was hiding. Hiding from Dr. Lucius E. Veritas, who was on the hunt (again), for every single person who had been affected by that fucking cat.
Last night was movie night, Hobbs & Shaw. Most of the researchers who had permanent lodging at Site-19 Facility-23 were present. Except for Intern Lunar, who was looking for Jeff. And that was when everyone's troubles started.
Just as Hobbs escapes the Eteon facility on-screen, Lunar bursts into the break room meowing all the way.
Noelle jumps up and hooks her arm through Lunar's, steering him towards the Medical Bay.
Then, she sees it.
One small plastic cat, sitting at the centre of the hallway. Its lifeless plastic eyes turn, focus on her and-
Noelle screams as it hisses in Lunar's voice, "You can't contain me, foolish doctor."
The next morning was one of pure chaos. Dr. Veritas was running around with Security Chief Sedna in tow, conducting random spot checks on everyone while those who had their voices stolen by the cat were sitting glumly in the Medical Bay, meowing to each other.
Noelle was officially the second victim, but she of all researchers had the sense to go into the Anomalous Storage wing and figure out what the hell could have gone wrong with a sealed metal containment vessel.
Reading through the tagged experiment log, Noelle decided that she probably didn't want to get slapped by her colleague and decided to hunker down in Storage.
Dr. Veritas was fuming. Half his research team had gotten brushed by that fucking cat and were now stuck meowing for the whole day.
The first thing he did after everyone was sent back to their rooms for the night was to Google "traps for wild cats". Then, "pest extermination methods". The results from either searches weren't promising, but that only made him more determined to terminate that little plastic annoyance.
After maintaining a Facility-wide lockdown for the night, Veritas still hadn't gotten any bright ideas in the morning.
Security Chief Sedna was exhausted. He hadn't gotten any rest last night when the Director of Experimental Research and Safety burst into the Security Personnel residences and woke everyone up to find a single plastic cat. Now, he was following Dr. Veritas, checking up every single researcher to see if they meowed. As he poked another researcher in the ribs to elicit a response, Sedna cracked his neck and yawned.
Then, he saw it. One little plastic cat, sitting under a table.
"Veritas, I think it's under the table over- THERE! IT'S RUNNING!" The feline speed demon had bolted from cover immediately after locking eyes with him. Sedna jumped to his feet and tore after it in pursuit, Veritas following close behind.
"Shoot the fucking thing, Agent! SHOOT IT!" Veritas yelled from behind him. Sedna moaned internally. Do all research personnel have absolutely no sense of workplace safety? They rounded another corner, startled researchers flattening themselves against the wall as they dashed after the cat.
Suddenly, the cat jumped, did a mid-air flip and ran backwards towards Sedna. He jumped over it instinctively and the cat zipped beneath him and Veritas started laughing. Frowning, Sedna whipped his head around to find Veritas meowing frantically and gesticulating wildly at the cat who was now laughing with his voice and vocalising a range of choice words at the furious Director of Experimental Research and Safety, who was mewling angrily back at it.
Sedna couldn't help it. The stress and exhaustion nagging at him for the past twenty hours was released instantaneously as he doubled over laughing. To hell with the Director, he was going to laugh his brains out whether he liked it or not.
NNNYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Noelle spun around as the security terminal beeped and the doors to the Anomalous Storage wing slid open quietly.
Three MTF Agents strode in, rifles in hand. The Agent on point shouted, "HANDS IN THE AIR! NOW!" Noelle gaped, meowed and fainted (in that exact order).
MTF Leader Agent Lewis frowned. What the hell?
MTF AFTER ACTION REPORT 914-P-1030
SCP Involved: SCP-914
MTF Involved: MTF Lambda-12
Date: ██/██/████
Location: Site-19 Facility-23Preamble: Minor containment breach of an output from SCP-914, logged in Test 914-1030 (as referred to in Experiment Log 914 Part X), at Site-19 Facility-23. Facility Director was highly concerned after several members of research staff were compromised by a cognitohazard, replacing their ability to speak with the vocalisations of the domestic cat, calling in MTF Lambda-12 as a first-response team to track the output after on-Facility security personnel were infected by said cognitohazard. Containment breach caused catastrophic failure in capacity of response to further anomalous hazards.
[19:58] MTF Lamda-12 Units 3 and 7 arrive at Facility-23 and are escorted by Security Chief Agent Alan Sedna into Administrative Personnel Office 1. A briefing, lasting approximately 7 minutes is given, and the Facility reenters lockdown.
[20:06] MTF Lambda-12 Unit 3 is split into halves and deployed to either the Personnel Building or the Research Building. Unit 7 is deployed to set various traps for feline-based anomalous vermin are set around the perimeter of the Facility and await response from Unit 3.
[20:40] MTF Leader Agent Lewis and MTF Agent Johnson exit the Personnel Building while chasing a small and animate cat made of plastic (the output of Test 914-1030). The output displayed highly intelligent behaviour, avoiding multiple traps while evading pursuit by both Agents and the rest of Unit 7. Said cat is finally trapped after getting caught in a Class-E ground-based net.
[21:13] Class-A amnestics are administered under supervision to all affected personnel in the medical bay and MTF Lambda-12 leaves the Facility.
MTF Leader Agent Lewis sighed and rubbed his eyes. Sitting in a van and typing out an entire after action report wasn't helping his headache after his team had spent over a half an hour chasing one little plastic cat around.
The cat was still screaming obscenities in the cloth bag.
MTF Leader Agent Lewis groaned, "Someone please remind me again, why does Oversight never approve our requests for soundproofed bags?"
The rest of the Agents squeezed into the back of the MTF van shrugged and someone kicked the bag.
Director of Experimental Research and Safety Dr. Veritas' voice shouted from inside the cloth bag, "FUCK YOU TOO."
ARC/19-23
Never Gonna Give You Up… Not
Test 914-0364
One brass statue of Rick Astley. Statue, playing the song "Never Gonna Give You Up" nonstop from an unidentifiable source.
Note: This goddamn machine… I can't deal with this. - Assistant Researcher Erickson
Note: The statue was melted down to scrap in the Site incinerator as instructed, but it's still playing the F*CKING song. - Agent Alyson
Intern Eli Snevets was humming. He'd been humming the same song for the entire morning while sorting through boxes of assorted papers and outdated documents. He had no idea why too…
Wait. He did know why.
The speakers in the Anomalous Storage wing of Site-19 Facility-23 was playing Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up" on loop. The problem was, there weren't any speakers in Anomalous Storage.
"Ooooh shiiit," Eli whispered.
Dr. Noelle Cahill looked up as Eli burst into her office. Staring at his frantic, half-crazed expression, she opted to be nice. No point shouting at someone who's going to shout right back at you.
"What is it?" Noelle raised an eyebrow.
"You won't believe it Doc, but I think Rick Astley's ghost is haunting Storage!" Eli wailed.
That was unexpected.
Noelle paused right before a snarky retort managed to escape and bit her lower lip. "Umm… what?" was all she could manage.
Noelle stood at the approximate centre of the Anomalous Storage wing and frowned. She hated to admit it, but she couldn't figure out where the music was coming from. It was her third time wandering through the whole of Storage, but she just couldn't find the source. It was annoying her to no end.
She sighed and called out, "Eli! Get the sound equipment. We'll find it today or we aren't having lunch."
"But Doc, what about Rick Astley's ghost?" Eli whimpered. Noelle rolled her eyes, "If he's actually here, you'll be in for an experience some other people will pay a fortune to have. Anyways, he's still alive, last I checked. Now hurry up, they're serving blueberry muffins today!"
She could hear Eli cursing under his breath as he left for the equipment cabinet. She chuckled softly as he returned jumpier than ever. "Got the stuff?" she looked at him.
Eli muttered something under his breath and shoved the sound detector and datalogger at her.
It took over and hour, but she finally found it. One Heavy-Duty Soundproofed Class-IV Plastic Container with a cooled blob of metal that was emitting "Never Gonna Give You Up" at a constant 32dB.
Noelle frowned as she read the tag of the test that produced it. "Indestructible, hmm? Poor Erickson." she murmured softly, "We'll see about that."
Noelle and Eli had missed lunch and dinner. Still, they weren't any closer to silencing the bloody blob of metal.
Noelle felt like screaming. They had submerged the piece of metal in acid for over an hour and realised that the music it was emitting was constantly vibrating the acid around it and preventing effective dissolution. Eli had suggested spraying the metal with a jet of acid instead and the resulting aqueous metal salt played the same fucking song too.
Noelle then flung it into the incinerator and the resulting slag started increasing in volume as it began to scream "Never Gonna Give You Up" at over 80dB. They then waited for another hour, enduring the pain of being rick-rolled all the while.
Finally, Eli started to use all sorts of power tools on the recooled hunk of metal, all of which failed to get it to shut the utter fuck up. And there the two of them sat dejectedly, staring at it blankly.
Noelle growled. She couldn't simply lose to a blob of metal. Meanwhile, Eli was kicking the metal idly. As she watched him, she suddenly realised that the music increased, very slightly, in volume every time he kicked it.
She closed her eyes and scrunched her forehead in concentration. The act of kicking it barely increases the volume… heating and melting it drastically increases the volume… there's an…
Eureka! Her eyes popped open. There's an input of energy - kicking imparts kinetic energy, which is anomalously converted into sound energy, released as that same fucking song on loop! Then… heating it would input vast amounts of thermal energy, hence it started belting "Never Gonna Give You Up" out at painful volumes…
Noelle frowned. Silencing the piece of metal would then, by her hypothesis, be ridiculously easy. If she dropped the blob into a canister of liquid nitrogen, all their problems would be solved!
"Eli, we're going to the lab. See if you can cut a small piece of the metal off. I need to check out a hunch."
She was right. The blob of metal was brass and it would shatter when she dropped it into liquid nitrogen, simultaneously solving the problem of finding a way to reduce its size for easier containment.
Noelle shared a quick glance with Eli and they grinned. After all, there are only so many times you can get rick-rolled before you just… can't.
ARC/19-23
Exercise is Good for Health
Test 914-1011
A plastic model of a humanoid figure. Rotating the head clockwise winds up an internal spring. Releasing the tensioned head allows for the model to start walking at 5 cm/sec. One full rotation of the head yields 9.15 cm of distance. Rotating the other limbs causes different results:
Body Part Effect Left Arm Cartwheels at 20 cm/sec in a circular path. One rotation yields 9 cartwheels. Right Arm Rolling on its side at 10 cm/sec. One rotation rotates the model 180 degrees. Left Leg Jumping jacks, at a rate of 60 per minute. One rotation yields 15 cartwheels. Right Leg Running on all fours at ████ cm/sec in a straight line. Crashed into the testing area wall and left a large hole in the shape of the model.
Dr. Noelle Cahill was not in a good mood. The mannequin that Junior Researcher McLaif created had fallen off a shelf after someone bumped into its box yesterday and the damn thing started rolling across the floor and flailing all night. She almost screamed her head off when it snagged the hem of her labcoat this morning before she punted it across the entire Anomalous Storage wing with a single, well-placed kick.
Noelle made a beeline for the interns' quarters. Intern Eli Snevets was going to grab that shiny little pezzo di merda from wherever it was hiding in Storage and vaporise it in the incinerator. Especially if that was the last thing Noelle was going to make sure will happen before she dies. Surely a little plastic doll is no match for Eli?
Noelle slides her identification card across the scanner and snaps, "Grab the little shit now." Eli pales and runs into Storage. She grabs a fire extinguisher and holds it with both hands. If that fucking doll runs out of a corner, I will disassemble it across the walls.
All of a sudden, she hears Eli laughing. "Found it yet?" she calls out warily. Between chuckles, Eli shouts back, "Doc, you gotta see this."
Noelle frowns and peeks her head around the corner. Eli was doubled over with laughter and… something was moving further in front of him… was that the little mannequin? She growls and steps forward-
The plastic statue was doing jumping jacks and cartwheels in circles around Eli.
In the name of SCP-343, what the hell is going on? Noelle stares at the spinning doll for a moment before bringing the fire extinguisher down with a loud crunch.
"Get a containment vessel, Eli," she sighs.
Noelle stalks out of Anomalous Storage with a small box of gears and other crushed plastic parts in her arms, Eli following behind her.
One more test on Rough to go, one less creepy plastic doll in her life.
Interlude
Date Night
Weapons Researcher Grizelle Jacqueline Markham was stunned. On her desk was a gorgeous painting of roses. She gingerly picked it up by the frame, noticing a small signature and note on its behind.
Hey Jackie,
This is for you.
~
x
Proudly made by SCP-914 and Senior Researcher Vil
She stared at the little "x".
Cleveland/Markham/ReimerToday at 15:01
Markham walks up to Vil
SR Vivic/ Dr ZaneToday at 15:03
Stay out of my closet, it's not a portal to hell
Senior Researcher VilToday at 15:04
yo guys
waddup
SR Vivic/ Dr ZaneToday at 15:04
The ceiling
Senior Researcher VilToday at 15:04
huh?
okay
stares at Markham
Yo what brings you here ^_^
Cleveland/Markham/ReimerToday at 15:12
[Markham] N-nothing
I just want someone to play billards with me
Senior Researcher VilToday at 15:12
Cool, let's go
8-ball?
Cleveland/Markham/ReimerToday at 15:13
9-ball
Senior Researcher VilToday at 15:13
alight then
Cleveland/Markham/ReimerToday at 15:13
Hit the smallest number on each round
Senior Researcher VilToday at 15:15
targets
releases force
Striped 1 ball sinks
prepares target once again
releases force
damn didn't hit it
ur turn
Cleveland/Markham/ReimerToday at 15:17
targets the 2 ball
releases force
Accidentally sinks the 5 ball instead
Damn
Senior Researcher VilToday at 15:18
Nice try though
polishes tip
targets 3 ball to sink 2 ball
releases force
white ball ricochets and sunk
oof foul
Cleveland/Markham/ReimerToday at 15:19
Shouldn't you hit the smallest number first?
polishes tip
Senior Researcher VilToday at 15:20
no just a gambit
Cleveland/Markham/ReimerToday at 15:20
targets 2 ball
releases force
Senior Researcher VilToday at 15:20
To himself that way I can get all consecutive balls down
Cleveland/Markham/ReimerToday at 15:21
Sinks the 2 ball, but the white ball is now just millimeters from the 8 ball
Ouch
targets the 3 ball
Senior Researcher VilToday at 15:22
wow
Cleveland/Markham/ReimerToday at 15:22
I'll ricochet the white ball
releases force
Senior Researcher VilToday at 15:22
Let's see what you've got
Cleveland/Markham/ReimerToday at 15:23
hits the 3 and 9 balls, but nothing is sunk
Senior Researcher VilToday at 15:23
nice
polishes tip
Cleveland/Markham/ReimerToday at 15:23
Well, better than hitting the 8
Senior Researcher VilToday at 15:23
targets 3 ball
eyes locked
releases force
3-ball sunk
Cleveland/Markham/ReimerToday at 15:25
So, 4 next, then 6
Senior Researcher VilToday at 15:25
targets 4 ball
releases force
4 ball sunk, 8 ball is hit in to the center
Saved…
targets 6-ball
releases force
6 ball is now near to the sink
Damn
Cleveland/Markham/ReimerToday at 15:27
My turn polishes tip
Well, looks like the 7 is a hurdle
Senior Researcher VilToday at 15:28
mhmm
Cleveland/Markham/ReimerToday at 15:28
targets the 6 ball from the opposite direction
Senior Researcher VilToday at 15:28
whoa
Cleveland/Markham/ReimerToday at 15:28
releases force
Sinks the 6 ball, pushing the 9 ball near a sink
targets the 7 ball
releases force
Senior Researcher VilToday at 15:30
You're good
Cleveland/Markham/ReimerToday at 15:30
Sinks the 7 ball and the white ball by accident
Well, not exactly
That leaves 8 and 9
Senior Researcher VilToday at 15:31
Aww
It's my time to shine
polishes tip
eyes locked on #8
releases force
8-ball sunk
yess
Cleveland/Markham/ReimerToday at 15:34
Let's hope you don't sink the white ball with the 9
Senior Researcher VilToday at 15:34
targets 9 ball in an awkward position
looks at Markham
yeah
releases force
come on come on…
9 ball is now very close to the sink
I'm very unlucky today
Cleveland/Markham/ReimerToday at 15:36
Well then, I'll do a challenge
puts her choker on and detaches her head
polishes tip
Senior Researcher VilToday at 15:37
what the
Cleveland/Markham/ReimerToday at 15:37
aims at the 9 ball
releases force
Senior Researcher VilToday at 15:38
beautiful…
Cleveland/Markham/ReimerToday at 15:38
9 ball sunk, the white ball is just next to the sink
Phew
Senior Researcher VilToday at 15:39
congratz
Cleveland/Markham/ReimerToday at 15:39
reattaches her head
Thanks Vil
Did I freak you out?
Senior Researcher VilToday at 15:39
No, it's amazing
Pizza's on me, by the way
Cleveland/Markham/ReimerToday at 15:40
Sure removes the choker
