NolanJ

[Memetic Agent ‘Epicurus’ Activated]

[Effect will continue until about 12 minutes after visual contact with this document is lost]

Item #: SCP-Pending

Object Class: Keter, but that’s fine.

Special Containment Procedures: All Personnel accessing any SCP-Pending documents need to take Foundation administered dopamine pills before opening the file. If they haven’t done that, they shouldn’t sweat it! They just need make sure to take them before reading past the Special Containment Procedures. If any personnel accessing an SCP-Pending file don’t see the Epicurus Memetic Agent confirmation message, they should just close the file and continue having a wonderful day. Recording any information about SCP-Pending without the approval of Dr. Coda is strictly forbidden (which means less paperwork; awesome, am I right?). This includes any form of physical writing, such as with pen and paper, computer entries, audio recordings, pantomimes, and iconic descriptions, such as with SCP ●●-●●●●●-●●-●, which means even more free time for the people at this site! Any conversations about SCP-Pending are to be held while all parties involved are viewing an SCP-Pending document with the Epicurus Memetic Agent active, but talking with your buddies for about 12 minutes after the document is closed is safe too, so don’t stress over it. Personnel who have taken the required dopamine pill, are under the influence of the Epicurus agent, and reading this document should read it in its entirety before closing the file, it will be a great read.

Description: SCP-Pending is an organism chilling out somewhere in Site ██. No staff, security, or D-class currently have any idea what the little guy looks like, but it’s existence has been confirmed through repeated discoveries of the cute little claw marks, pretty jet black hairs, and naughty droppings that it has left behind around the site. It is not currently known where SCP-Pending resides, or how exactly it gets around the site, but we don’t have to worry about it too much. All attempts to locate and contain SCP-Pending’s awesomeness have luckily failed. It appears that anyone saying nasty things about our friend SCP-Pending end up mysteriously disappearing, and being replaced with blood, viscera, and some of SCP-Pending’s doo doo wherever they were when the mean thing was said or recorded. This strange phenomenon also occurs to anyone who heard the terrible lie that was told about SCP-Pending, but as long as they don’t get involved in nasty rumors, they won’t be taken to the wonderful vacation spot SCP-Pending is believed transport potty-mouthed staff to. The current hypothesis from the SCP-Pending research team is that anyone who experiences negative feelings towards SCP-Pending ends up accompanying it for a nice trip so that they can become friends!

SCP-Pending was first discovered at Site ██ on ██/ ██/2013, when Research Assistant Julia Spencer came into visual contact with SCP-Pending. When SCP-Pending tried to introduce itself, Spencer was very mean and judged SCP-Pending just by its appearance. Spencer's screams of excitement for going on one of SCP-Pending’s trips alerted site security, who ended up sharing Spencer's very unfair opinions about SCP-Pending, resulting in █████ members of site staff being taken on vacation.

In order to prevent staff from experiencing negative reactions to SCP-Pending, researchers at Site ██ have developed several methods of suppressing undesirable emotions. A pill that surges a subject’s dopamine levels is administered to staff before being allowed to access SCP-Pending documents. The pill has had inconsistent results, with about 20% of research staff having a totally unreasonable reaction to information about SCP-Pending. These staff ended up meeting SCP-Pending almost immediately after their reaction, so staff nearby were also taken on SCP-Pending’s road trip, resulting in a ██% loss in SCP-Pending staff overall. To supplement the pill, Dr. Coda oversaw the development of Memetic Agent Epicurus, which has resulted in 100% of SCP-Pending researchers realizing how cool SCP-Pending is.

The agent gives an affected subject a positive, happy feeling in much the same way the pill does. However, Epicurus is unique in that it does not just cause a subject to interpret their experiences positively, but causes the removal or alteration of the perception of anything negative. For example, when Epicurus was tested on D-1809, who was then was forced to watch D-1976 be shot, D-1809 only saw D-1976 taking a nap. (Note: The preceding sentence may not make sense to the personnel reading this depending on their attitude towards D-class. Epicurus developers are currently working on a solution) This effect extends the alteration of any information that would induce a negative reaction from the subject. Memetic Agent Epicurus wears off after roughly 12 minutes, with 60 seconds of variation, after visual contact with an Epicurus laced document has been lost. This time limit was put in place to prevent staff from failing to perceive legitimate threats to SCP protocol while working, but subjects will still remember any experience they had during the agent's effect with the same positive attitude. This way, staff will still know how great SCP-Pending is after Memetic Agent Epicurus has stopped taking effect. Still, staff are prohibited from talking about how much they like SCP-Pending away from terminals with access to SCP-Pending documentation, just in case they may be overheard by any meanies who will think badly of SCP-Pending.

Addendum: 2014-1
On ██/ ██/2014, Site ██ recruited staff entirely new to the SCP foundation. researchers not used to the potentially shocking nature of SCP documents were assigned to Scp-Pending and, luckily for them, given access to its files. The researchers, despite the help of Memetic Agent Epicurus, had a negative reaction to the amount of people that have gone on vacation from the site, as well as the knowledge that they might get to hang out with SCP-Pending. This resulted in about ███ members of staff getting to take some time off from work. To prevent any more staff from getting to have so much more fun than the others, the number of people who have gotten to travel with SCP-Pending has been stricken from the record, as well as the name of the site where SCP-Pending keeps on being radical.

NOTE:
Look, I know a lot more people have gotten to meet SCP-Pending after the last event, but Memetic Agent Epicurus is still in its Beta phase! My team just needs more time to work out the kinks, and then I’m sure everyone will love it. Trust me, everyone is going to think positively of Memetic Agent Epicurus very soon.
-Dr. Coda

Item #: SCP-XXXX (False Paternity)

Object Class: Eucalid

Special Containment Procedures: All instances of SCP-XXXX in Foundation custody are held in a lock box in containment wing G of site ██. Access to SCP-XXXX is restricted to personnel who have confirmed with the Foundation that they are not currently in a long term romantic or sexual relationship. Such requirements must also be met by any staff who wish to conduct research on SCP-XXXX.

A task force currently deployed to the Midwestern United States must continue to investigate hospitals, schools, libraries, and other public spaces and search for more instances of SCP-XXXX. If any instances are discovered the task force must confiscate all instances of SCP-XXXX by covert means. They must also investigate the local population to find any individuals affected by SCP-XXXX, who will then be referred to the Foundation for interview, possible amnestic treatment, and then release. All members of the task force must also have no long term romantic or sexual relationships of their own.

Description: SCP-XXXX is a series of pamphlets, found throughout the American Midwest, that contain information warning the reader about the potential dangers of an unwanted pregnancy. The inner contents of the pamphlet are a memetic hazard have a 70% chance of causing a reader who is currently in a long term relationship to believe that they have impregnated their partner. This belief causes extreme levels of stress and anxiety in the subject, who then will attempt to break contact with their partner by various means, including changing their phone number, moving to another location, or even wearing a disguise. This effect can occur regardless of the sex or gender of the subject and their partner, and even regardless of whether the subject and their partner have ever had sexual relations, but the effect has only been shown to take root in subjects with partners who they have been involved with for at least one month. An extended list of anomalous examples can be found in Experiment Log-1. The memetic hazard of SCP-XXXX has only been found to affect individuals who have read one of the pamphlets directly, so interviews with affected individuals, or discussions of the inner contents of SCP-XXXX between staff is currently considered safe.

When an individual is affected by SCP-XXXX, there is a 30% chance that their partner will undergo psuedocyesis, also known as a false pregnancy. The symptoms of the “pregnancy” have occurred in partners regardless of sex, including cravings, pains, an engorged belly, and lactation. While affected partners will often believe they are truly pregnant, this belief is not considered to be anomalous as it is with with individuals who read SCP-XXXX, as affected partners can be easily convinced they are not pregnant by a doctors visit, or even a simple explanation of what psuedocyesis is by Foundation agents. This effect can occur whether or not said partner had any contact with the individual who read SCP-XXXX after the effect has taken place.

It is not currently known where the SCP-XXXX pamphlets are made, who wrote them, how they were distributed, how many are currently available to the public, and if more are being created. The only relevant data the Foundation has is that the pamphlets only appear in the MidWest of the United States, which has made mitigating the spread of SCP-XXXX instances easier than initially expected. Subjects affected by SCP-XXXX are currently allowed to reintegrate into normal society, as they can’t spread the effect of SCP-XXXX by themselves. The O5 Council has determined that public knowledge of male pseudocyesis acceptable, as modern psychology has not determined what causes female pseudocyesis either, so the public will not view the newly discovered male equivalent as “magical” or “supernatural.”

Experiment Log-1: The following is a list of individuals affected by SCP-XXXX whose circumstances are considered to be of particular note. Names have been abbreviated as most have been released by the Foundation back into normal society.

-Mr. SK claimed to be asexual, which was later confirmed by his husband, who appeared to be nine months pregnant. SK cut contact with his husband several days after reading SCP-XXXX and had not seen him for two months at the time Foundation agents found said husband.

- A Ms. KL believed that she had impregnated all 6 of her polyamorous partners. Two of her partners were found experiencing false pregnancies. KL was caught by one of her partners pouring gasoline in her apartment in an attempt to fake her own death. An argument broke out between the two which eventually got police involved, getting the attention of Foundation agents. The agents took over the case and agreed to help get KL’s attempted arson charges dropped in exchange for an interview.

-Mr. JP told a Foundation interviewer that he was a virgin, but nonetheless truly believed his girlfriend was pregnant. He had traveled across at least 3 states after reading SCP-XXXX out of fear of facing his partner. All attempts to convince JP that his partner’s pregnancy was impossible failed, see Interview Log A for more details.

- Mrs. MS was found at a courthouse attempting to change her legal name. A Foundation Agent embedded in the courthouse just so happened to be the clerk assisting her, and was able to extract the following information: MS believed that she had impregnated her wife of 40 years, despite the fact that MS’s wife had already experienced menopause. The agent present then referred her to the Foundation.

Experiment Log-2: The following is a test carried out by a Foundation research team to determine if amnestics could reverse the effect of SCP-XXXX.

The affected individual named Kevin █████ was apprehended by a Foundation agent who saw him reading a copy of SCP-XXXX on a park bench. In Foundation custody, the subject began experiencing the memetic hazard caused by SCP-XXXX, sayin that he “could never face his girl again” and would “have to start over, get a new life somewhere.” Dr. Kowalski approved the use of an amnestic on the subject, and then gave the following interview:
Dr. Kowalski: “Hello Kevin, how are you feeling?”
Subject: “Um, okay I guess, a little sleepy maybe?”
Dr. Kowalski: “And how is your girlfriend doing Kevin, anything unusual going on with her?”
[Subject appears confused at the question, but calm]
Subject: “Uh, no she’s cool I think… why?”
Dr. Kowalski: “Just to test your memory, you hit your head on a park bench and were taken here to be examined for memory loss. We should be able to send you back to your loved ones soon!”
[The subject begins to tense up, sweating from his forehead, rocking back and forth slightly]
Dr. Kowlaski: “Something the matter?”
Subject: “I… don’t send me back. I can’t see her again.”
Dr. Kowlaski: “I don’t understand. Who are you talking about Kevin?”
Subejct: “My girl! I can’t… if she… I can’t face her again man!”
Dr. Kowlaski: “Why? Why can’t you see her?”
[The subject gets out of his chair and falls on all fours at Kowlaski’s feet, grabbing her pant leg]
Subject: “I don’t know! Just don’t make me see her again, I just can’t! Keep me here please I’ll do whatever you want!”
[The subject was then apprehended by foundation security]