Per 
Item #: SCP-420-B
Object Class: Gas!
Come on, we already went over this with the joint. Just say what the O5 wants to hear so we can get out of here. —Dr. M████
Oh man, you're right. After this, I'm about to live in the cafeteria. —Dr. C████
Object Class: Gas! Completely Safe
Special Containment Procedures for SCP-420-B are as followed… —Dr. C████
Please make sure to redact all appropriate information correctly this time, Dr. C████. The next time somebody goes to "hotbox" the Faculty ████████ because you couldn't keep this a secret, there will be consequences. And no, "I forgot" is not an excuse, even to somebody at your level of intoxication. —███████ (over intercom)
Sheesh, fine. You could be a little nicer about it, y'know. —Dr. C████
The next time you tell me what to do, I'll take over your "extensive research" of SCP-420-B myself, I sure wouldn't mind to fill your shoes. —███████ (over intercom)
Okay, okay, I'm sorry. —Dr. C████
Special Containment Procedures: Uh, any instances or duplicates of SCP-420-B are stored in Sites █, █, █, and █ in a smell-proof lockbox in light containment that is only to be accessible by Class █ personnel and above (Dr. ████ is the only exception to the enforcement of this). Any form of gas emitted from SCP-420-B is to be stored in the lungs of Dr. ████ and Dr. M████.
Okay, that was pretty funny. —Dr. M████
Don't encourage him, please. You'll only make it worse. —███████ (over intercom)
Description: So if you remember when we ran that joint through the machine, me and Dr. M hid a little bit of the pre-914 stuff away in case of emergency and just didn't run it through the machine, probably about a gram's worth. When "all remaining samples of SCP-420-J" were "confiscated" by the higher-ups, we decided we'd jump through some loopholes.
Which, might I remind you, is never a good idea at the SCP Foundation. —███████ (over intercom)
But if we didn't, we would've never created SCP-420-B in the first place! —Dr. M████
The only reason why we're allowing your research on this to continue is that it helps us study SCP-914, and for absolutely no other reason at all in particular, nor will there ever be another reason to assign you two to it. —███████ (over intercom)
Anyways, we took the original ████ and packed a bowl in Dr. M's brand new bong and ran it through on Fine (we learned our lesson when we put it on Very Fine last time). And oh man, I have never seen anything like this before.
It is most literally an endless supply of ████. When you light it, it doesn't burn, but all the smoke still comes out of the top. And it doesn't even turn to ash, doesn't even change color. —Dr. M████
It's always green somewhere! —Dr. C████
(███████ sighs over the intercom)
Oh yeah, and when we put it through the machine, we also put the lighter through as well. And man, it doesn't seem like it runs out of fuel; we called it SCP-420-L, appropriately. No more late-night trips to the corner store!
Don't count on it. —███████ (over intercom)
Experiment Log
Test One
The first test was awesome. When we first lit the bowl, we saw that there was smoke coming out but the ████ wasn't burning! And this was with a completely clean bong too, no resin at all. —Dr. C████
Keep in mind that we self-tested this before we reported it. It was probably the best 38 hours of my life. —Dr. M████
Note: Due to the naivety of Dr. C████ and Dr. M████, oversight from the O5 Council is mandatory during testing of SCP-420-B or other related SCPs. Be happy it didn't do more than kill your brain cells.
—Director Jones
Test Two
Somehow, we were able to sneak SCP-420-B out into the parking lot. Oh man, and while we tried to discretely leave the facility, people started to look at us funny because of the smell, so we told them it was SCP-1029! —Dr. C████
I still can't believe they all fell for it! —Dr. M████
That is highly unprofessional, and let me remind you that we had to personally brief all personnel you informed of SCP-1029's existence. —███████ (over intercom)
Anyways we got into my car because we were going to have a "highly productive hotbox" test, and I decided to use a Butane torch to light it. And Dr. M████ said, "Hey man, what if we just kept the torch constantly on the bowl since it doesn't even technically burn the ████?" And I said, "That sounds like an excellent idea". —Dr. C████
I swear to God, after 10 minutes it felt like we were main characters in "The Mist". —Dr. M████
My car still smells like straight gas. I practically get pulled over by every cop within 3 car-lengths of me. —Dr. C████
Note: Any and all requests for Dr. C████ to be provided with a new vehicle due to damage from the testing of SCP-420-B are to be denied.
—███████
Test Three
Man, when we first reported SCP-420-B to ███████ and he figured out we went behind his back, he was so mad that he snatched SCP-420-B out of my hands and threw at a wall! —Dr. C████
Your first words were, "I know you told us not to put any more ████ in the machine, but-". Do you expect me to react any other way? —███████ (over intercom)
Thankfully Surprisingly, it just bounced off as if the bong was completely unbreakable, and none of the ████ even fell out of the bowl either. —Dr. C████
So when he saw it's anomalous properties he made it official and tasked us with officially testing it. So what we did is we just got a bunch of ████ that we thought could break it. —Dr. M████
Come on, man, I told you I don't like it when people cuss. —Dr. C████
Whatever. Anyways, we took the bowl piece off and tried throwing SCP-420-B, smashing it with a hammer, etc; eventually, we even ran it under our 330-ton hydraulic press and in 5 minutes the press was completely broken and unrestorable while the bong wasn't even scratched. That's $190,000 that we're not getting back. —Dr. M████
I hope it was worth it. —███████ (over intercom)
How much money do we even have?? —Dr. C████
That is none of your concern. —███████ (over intercom)
Test Four
After being defeated by the press, we decided to hold SCP-420-B in the incinerator. After 24 hours of exposure to heat upwards of 2000°F (approximately 1093°C), the test was proven to fail at destroying SCP-420-B. —Dr. C████
Test Five
Next we held SCP-420-B in a pure mixture hydrofluoric acid. After 24 hours, the bong was, yet again, fully intact and not damaged. —Dr. C████
Test Six
So we started experimenting with the actual bowl piece of the bong, now referred to as SCP-420-B1. For this test we held SCP-420-B1 upside down and shook it, expecting the ████ to fall out. Man, this must just be the stickiest ████ because it wouldn't come out no matter how hard I shook; even blew into the bottom of it. Further testing was necessary. —Dr. C████
Test Seven
Next, we tried to scrape the ████ from SCP-420-B1. First, we just tried using toothpicks, but after failure followed by more failure, we eventually upgraded to a high-duty hand drill. After 1 hour of consistent usage, the drill's head appeared to be significantly dulled and slightly chipped at the base. After 6 hours, the drill's head was completely broken and unusable. —Dr. C████
At least it wasn't as expensive as Test Three. —Dr. M████
Test Eight
After we were unable to get the ████ out of SCP-420-B1, we ran it through the same tests as SCP-420-B. All tests, like SCP-420-B, were proven ineffective, not even changing the ████ inside. —Dr. C████
Addendum 1:
Animal testing of SCP-420-B, much like SCP-420-J, is prohibited. Dr. C████, I still will never understand how you got poor, little Josie to hit that joint.
—Director Jones
Addendum 2:
Dr. C████, Dr. ████, other current researchers, and future researchers of SCP-420-B or any other SCP related to SCP-420-B are allowed to have as much food from the faculty cafeteria as they want are only allowed one standard plate of food per meal (3 meals a day) from the cafeteria and are only allowed to purchase 2 items of food and drink each from all vending machines in the facility per day. However, you may bring food from home (that is not explicitly prohibited in specific sites). NO OTHER EXCEPTIONS.
Addendum 3:
Dr. C████ and Dr. M████ are no longer given permission to edit this document.
Addendum 4:
By the way, I'm still looking to score some of this ████. —Dr. Fredericks
