SCP-XXXX-J on Dr.Thomas' desk
Item #: SCP-XXXX-J
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX-J is a textbook labeled "The Princeton Companion to Mathematics". It is stored in the library of Site-45 on a very nice shelf that Dr. Thomas asked for, containing several other books Dr. Thomas needed to understand SCP-XXXX-J. All Foundation researchers are encouraged to read this amazing book. Simplified texts based on SCP-XXXX-J are to be supplied to various levels of education in America. Pipe smoking is to be banned to minimize hazards.
Description: The book is an anti-cognitohazard. Anomalous properties upon extended study include increased scores on IQ tests, higher chance of promotion and increased pay, reduced physical attraction upon extended communication with potential love interests, higher chance of developing a tobacco habit (manifests as pipe smoking in most cases), and increased ego.
Its contents are not dissimilar from any other math textbook. It is currently unknown how these anomalous properties manifest in each patient, as full manifestation can take years. All tests into the source of these properties yield inconclusive.
Research Logs:
Testing began with a single page:
 |
| Page of SCP-XXXX-J |
Interviewed: D-1865
Interviewer: Jr. Researcher Dr. Jefferson
Foreword: Interview after three days of D-1865's exposure to one page of SCP-XXXX-J. D-1865 was given problems from Dr. Jefferson's son's 11th-grade algebra homework.
<Begin Log>
Dr. Jefferson: How are you feeling D-1865?
D-1865: I'm alright.
Dr. Jefferson: How are you handling the page?
D-1865: Y'know, I kinda remember this stuff. Though this triangle stuff on the worksheet is quite confusing. I don't think the page you gave me covers it.
Dr. Jefferson: Ah, well you see—
Dr. Jefferson gestures a sine wave in the air with his pointer.
Dr. Jefferson: That's a sine wave, which is just a normal wave—if it makes sense you can think of a circle rolling on a line.
Dr. Jefferson grabs a piece of paper and draws a circle on a line.
Dr. Jefferson: And you pick a point and follow it as it rolls and—
D-1865: Where is the triangle?
Dr. Jefferson: Well, you put a triangle in the circle and as the circle rolls, the height from the point to the line is sine.
D-1865: I'm not sure I'm following…
[20 minutes of repetitive explanations omitted for brevity]
D-1865 is satisfied with his understanding and asks to be dismissed in time for lunch. Dr. Jeffersons allows D-1865 to leave but assigns D-1865 some homework, stressing tomorrow's due date.
<End Log>
Closing Statement: D-1865 was able to complete the homework assignment, missing only one question (but it was a particularly complex secant function so Dr. Jefferson's counted it as missed bonus points). Another homework assignment was assigned, but D-1865 was killed in a different SCP test before it was able to be completed. On his way to the infirmary, D-1865 was able to predict the time of his death with an error of two minutes using a trigonometric dampening function to simulate his blood loss. Dr. Jefferson was promoted to Senior Researcher following this display of mathematical prowess.
Testing with the full book was approved on D-2937. Additionally, supplemental works may be provided if requested by test subjects.
Interviewed: D-2937
Interviewer: Sr. Researcher Dr. Jefferson
Foreword: Interview after two weeks of D-2937's exposure to SCP-XXXX-J
<Begin Log>
Dr. Jefferson: How are you feeling D-2937?
D-2937: My head is killing me, I don't know what the fuck any of this means.
Dr. Jefferson: What do you mean?
D-2937: What the fuck is a derivative, Doctor?
Dr. Jefferson: Ah… Well, that's tough to explain.
Dr. Jefferson shifts in his seat, the room is silent for around 20 seconds.
Dr. Jefferson: Do you know what a function is?
D-2937: No.
Dr. Jefferson mutters an explicative under his breath.
[40 minutes of explanation omitted for brevity.]
D-2937: Oh, I think I get it now.
Dr. Jefferson: Good.
D-2937: So what's an integral?
Dr. Jefferson: I'll drop off some more books
Dr. Jefferson quickly leaves.
<End Log>
Closing Statement: After receiving additional books, D-2937 requested several pieces of scratch paper and pre-sharpened #2 pencils.
Interviewed: D-2937
Interviewer: Sr. Researcher Dr. Jefferson
Foreword: Interview after six weeks of D-2937's constant exposure to SCP-XXXX-J, along with various other requested writings.
<Begin Log>
Dr. Jefferson: How are you feeling today D-2937?
D-2937: Look at this Doctor!
D-2937 leaps out of his seat holding several pieces of paper.
Dr. Jefferson: Novel. Unfortunately, the cubic formula has been discovered already.
D-2937: Ah that's stupid.
Dr. Jefferson: I do like your use of spherical topology though. Very inventive.
D-2937: Ah thanks, that dumb cluttered topology textbook was actually quite useful.
Dr. Jefferson: Interesting. Anything else?
D-2937: Uh yeah, do you have anything that needs solving?
Dr. Jefferson: Ill check.
<End Log>
Closing Statement: D-2937 asked for more books on various topics (some not related to math). D-2937 asked to devise the maximum sized sofa that could fit in a 1x1 meter hallway corner in a separate wing of Site-45
Interviewed: D-2937
Interviewer: Sr. Researcher Dr. Jefferson
Foreword: Interview after three months of D-2937's constant exposure to SCP-XXXX-J.
<Begin Log>
Dr. Jefferson: Did you come up with anything D-2937?
D-2937: Yeah, I got 2.2197m.
Dr. Jefferson grabs D-2937's proof and looks at it incredibly carefully.
Dr. Jefferson: Topographical genius.
D-2937: Really?
Dr. Jefferson: How did you come up with this?
D-2937: Just tinkered around with numbers and such. Like the books explain.
Dr. Jefferson: Wow. Have you considered architecture as a career path?
D-2937: No not really, I've been sitting behind bars for a while.
Dr. Jefferson: I may just contact my superiors. Have a good day Thomas.
<End Log>
Closing Statement: Under supervision, D-2937 was promoted to the rank of Junior Researcher—specializing in containment and transport.
Dr. Thomas showed me this proof that God is a bitch. Brilliant.
Dr. Thomas pictured lecturing on reflections of psionic radiation
Addendum:
Dr. Thomas has proposed picking prospective researchers using SCP-XXXX-J.
Though some D-Class are entirely unresponsive to SCP-XXXX-J exposure, many show varying degrees of positive responses to SCP-XXXX-J's anti-congitohazardous properties.
So far, Dr. Thomas has been the most responsive to these effects. He has taken on many projects—requiring large amounts of Foundation funding. Unfortunately, he cannot provide much out of pocket, as a large portion of his salary goes to organic tobacco and his ever-growing tobacco pipe collection.
But you have to admit, they look pretty sick:
Per 
