ParzivalTheMadMan

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures:
SCP-XXXX, as far as research shows, only affects personnel within the walls of Site-96 that do not have medical training. All medical personnel on site have been given the proper training to be able to identify someone experiencing the effects of SCP-XXXX and how to deal with such a person if encountered. It should also be noted that all medical personnel also are equipped with a SCP Foundation “Joke Book”, made specifically for this SCP’s containment, that must always be kept on person in the event that someone becomes afflicted with SCP-XXXX

Description:
SCP-XXXX is a disorder, that will temporarily affect Site-96 personnel. This disorder will affect a random member of staff & cause them to believe they have an abnormal affliction.

An affected individual will then do all possible actions to find or get to medical staff. Upon approaching the medical professional they will explain their affliction. The afflicted will word their explanation in a manner similar to a “Doctor, Doctor” joke. Upon further inspection the medic will in fact discover nothing wrong with the afflicted, that is until they attempt to say anything but the “correct punchline” to the joke.

In the case of incorrect response the afflicted will spontaneously start showing signs of their claimed ailment affecting them. I.E: if they say they are going blind, incorrect punchline will result in the afflicted becoming blind.

Addendum: Due to the sporatic nature of the disorder, most experiments had to be done on those who either died from it, logged their experience with someone infected, or interviews with those who had non-deadly ailments. What little exist are listed here:

+ Log 001 and Patient Zero Interview

[Log 001 Date: ██/19/██]1
Recordings of facility guards investigating Doctor █████████ (Patient Zero)
Guard 1: “Should… Should we touch it?”

Guard 2: “I… I don’t think so.”

Doctor ████████: “What are you two up- Is… why is there so much carrot?”
Recording End

The following Interview was conducted by Doctor ████████ with Patient Zero as an attempt to further understand the affliction.

Interviewed: Interview of Doctor █████████, referred to from this point on as Patient Zero.

Interviewer: The Interviewer is Doctor ████████.

Foreword: The interview proved useless in nearly all aspects besides proving the point that this disorder is highly dangerous. Nothing of Patinent Zero remains sentient. He is made up entirely of carrot.

<Begin Log, [██/10/██]>

Doctor ████████: Patient Zero. Do you have any retained intelligence in “carrot form”?

Patient Zero: Silence

Doctor ████████: Patient Zero. Do you understand a single word I’m saying.

Patient Zero: Silence

Doctor ████████: This is useless.

<End Log, [██/10/██]>

Closing Statement: That was woefully uneventful. We may be able to gather some information on the affliction but we'd need a living subject. Not a vegetable.

+ Patient Zero Picture

+ Log 005

[Log 005 Date: ██/12/██]
Recording of audio from Medical Room 24-A upon interaction with afflicted Guard Personnel
Medical Staff 1: Looking at a clipboard, waiting at the entrance to medical room 24-A. From the distance a male voice is heard

Guard Personnel: “Doctor! Doctor!” the Guard Personnel appears panicked, and repetitively looks at himself and at Medical Staff 1

Medical Staff 1: “Well. I’m a nurse not a doctor, but what seems to be wrong?”

Guard Personnel: "I feel like I'm getting shorter and shorter!"

Medical Staff 1: the Medical Staff takes a brief moment to look over the Guard Personnel "Well.. your height doesn't seem to be changing actively to me… perhaps-"

Guard Personnel: Rapidly the afflicted loses 3 feet of height, the process appears painful and afterwards the armor practically engulfs the afflicted

Medical Staff 1: "oh my god…"
Recording End

+ Log 023

[Log 023 Date: ██/04/██]
Recording of audio from Medical Room 18-B upon interaction with a different afflicted Guard Personnel
Medical Staff 1: Clearing off a medical stretcher

Guard Personnel: “Doctor! Doctor!”

Medical Staff 1: “Yes? Did you need something?”

Guard Personnel: "I.. I think I’m becoming invisible"

Medical Staff 1: "Oh. a small laugh is heard I’ve heard this one before. Well I’m afraid I can’t see you now."

Guard Personnel: Guard Personnel shakes his head and looks up, seemingly confused How… how did I get here?”
Recording End

+ Interview with Related Guard Personnel

The following Interview was conducted by Doctor ████████ with the related Guard Personnel, now referred to as Patient 23 as an attempt to further understand the affliction.

Interviewed: Interview of Guard Personnel █████████, referred to from this point on as Patient 23.

Interviewer: The Interviewer is Doctor ████████.

Foreword: This interview was cut short due to an outburst from the Patient, but we have all the evidence we need to write a log of this anomaly. We just don’t know what started it. How it started. There has to be answers.

<Begin Log, [██/09/██]>

Doctor ████████: Good Evening Patient 23. How are you feeling?

Patient 23: Patient.. 23? You say that like I’m sick. I’m not sick. I just. I had a memory lapse. I’m fine.

Doctor ████████: Patient 23. Do you remember anything leading up to the moments you entered Medical Room 18-B or your conversation with the doctor there in?

Patient 23: I… I remember I was with █████ and ███████. We had just gone on a break. We where drinking coffee and just talking. Then I remember █████ cracked a joke, and it was the funniest thing I’d ever heard. Then ███████ cracked a joke and I swore it was even funnier. I couldn’t catch my breath but when I finally did… they where just staring at me, but I couldn’t think of a joke at first. Then I thought of one, like BLAM!, out of nowhere, and it was so hilarious… but I don’t… I don’t remember it now. That’s when.. that’s when everything went blank. Don’t remember anything except waking up surrounded by doctors.

Doctor ████████: Thank you Patient 23. That helps us invaluably. I’ll be sure to mention all of that in the report. With any luck you’ll be allowed to don your equipment again in a few weeks.

Patient 23: A… a few weeks? What?? I just told you everything I knew. And I’m fine. It was a once in a lifetime thing!

Doctor ████████: You may think that, but neither of us know that. It’s too dangerous to give you a gun and equipment if we have no idea when this may happen again. Patient 23 leaps at the doctor unsuccessfully GUARDS!

Gunfire is Heard
<End Log, [██/10/██]>

Closing Statement: That was difficult. Termination of the patient was unfortunate, but seemingly necessary. It should be noted that his anger didn’t seem anomalous. Just mismanaged. I shall use what we’ve learned from this interview to fill out a log.