Per 
Hi, welcome to Shitpostland.
It's a sandbox page and I do wacky shit with it sometimes. Big surprise.
Yes, my username is a Hat in Time reference. It's the only name I've gone by for around a year now, at least, so you're just gonna have to deal with it until I inevitably decide I want a new identity.
"Articles" you see here may range from basic concepts, unfinished or rough drafts, or just straight shitposts.
Yeah, that's all I have to say.
SCP-1968-J
Item #: SCP-1968-J
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1968-J-(1-9) is to be provided various structural installations of varying designs and purposes, including but not limited to defensive forts, electrical turbine stations, and nuclear warhead silos, within the bounds of Area-02, stationed in ███████, New Mexico. Instances are to be provided rations of their preference, as well as cosmetic items and weaponry on request.
SCP-1968-J-10 and -11's remains are to be loaded into minecarts rigged with explosives and provided to instances 1-9 during the general Halloween season, seemingly for ritualistic purposes. Instances SCP-1968-J-12 and -13 are to be granted equipment for supervision of other instances, and instance -14 is to be actively provided with cloned individuals of various endangered species.
Description: SCP-1968-J is an assembly of 15 instances of humanoid composition, designated -1 through -14, of varying ethnicities and nationalities, characterized by their resemblance to characters from the video game, Team Fortress 2, released by Valve in 2007. Instances SCP-1968-J-1 through -9 are identical to the 9 playable classes presented, designated in the same order for simplicity. Forensics have confirmed with volunteer members that they do not appear on any official records for any known countries or time periods, though all instances make the claim that the current year is 1968.
Instances -1 through -9, as well as -15, each possess their own forms of anomalous effects. A list is available below.
| SCP-1968-1 | Self-propulsion for multiple "jumps" while airborne, as well as unusually high stamina and speed |
| SCP-1968-2, -4 | Abnormally high resistance against explosions, an effect which is abused to propel itself into the air |
| SCP-1968-3 | Unusually high resistance to heat. Internal analysis has also concluded [DATA EXPUNGED] |
| SCP-1968-4 | Active bodily resistance to standard forms of nutrition, solely processing nutrients out of numerous forms of alcohol, with multiple typically harmful when ingested. |
| SCP-1968-5, -15 | Extreme physical strength and durability |
| SCP-1968-6 | Able to construct small defensive and support weapons with anomalous effects of their own |
| SCP-1968-7 | An ability to actively defy standard physiology with its "subjects", often transplanting incorrect organs or experimental devices |
| SCP-1968-8 | No unique anomalous effects. |
| SCP-1968-9 | Possession of an anomalous object allowing for short periods of invincibility, as well as the ability to convincingly "shapeshift" using an assortment of paper masks. Has made ██ escape attempts since acquisition on ██/██/████. |
All 9 instances possess the shared anomalous property of "respawning," an effect which manifests upon one instance's death. Upon death, the individual will spontaneously appear within one of several "spawn zones", re-equipped with its weapons, memories, and physical state, though without any physical indication of wounds. Instances -10 through -12 are confirmed not to share this property; it is not currently known if -13 through -15 possess this effect.
SCP-1968-J-10 through -14 have not been observed to possess any directly anonymous abilities of their own; abilities are, however, granted through the use of an anomalous "isotope" of element 79, commonly known as Gold, with its anomalous variant known as "Australium" to SCP-1968-J instances, hereby designated SCP-1968-J-A.
Addendum: As of ██/██/████, instances -10 through -12 have been confirmed deceased among the beginning of a localized war. Instances have been observed actively searching for additional deposits of SCP-1968-J-A under command of SCP-1968-J-14, relayed by -13. Approximately ██████ mechanical replications resembling instances SCP-1968-J-(1-9) have since appeared during this time period to facilitate the enemy side of the war.
Yes, this is literally just Team Fortress 2 SCP-ified. Here's the thing that spurred me to do this.
No, I don't have any plans on doing anything real with this. This is just some stupid and shitty joke and I don't plan to go anywhere with it. I have a real SCP… somewhere on my hard drive, I lost the file I was writing it on. No clue where it is. I know that it's better than this shitty shit, at least.
Valve, bring us comic 7? Please?
SCP-XXXX
Item #: SCP-XXXX
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX is to be contained in a secure storage locker at Area ██, with access granted only with the permission of four members of the Overseer Council, and is to be enforced by no less than two Level-3 Security personnel assigned to it. SCP-XXXX is to be continually powered by usage of two motors, one primary and one backup, moving at sixty revolutions per minute. Both motors are to be powered primarily via a dedicated solar power unit, with a gas-based generator and direct connection with the Area ██'s power grid serving as secondary and tertiary levels of protection.
Description: SCP-XXXX is an analog clock formed out of cast aluminium, with a face approximately 7 inches in diameter, a base approximately 9 inches in diameter, and a depth of approximately 2 inches. SCP-XXXX possesses three hands, correspondant to the standard three hands on many other analog clocks of seconds, minutes, and hours. It possesses no identifying marks, nor any numerical values on its face. A ridged knob can be found on the item's backside, approximately half an inch in diameter.
When the knob found on SCP-XXXX is turned, SCP-XXXX's arms will begin to move. The longest and thinnest hand will move directly proportionate to the knob's movement, with the next longest hand moving at a rate 1/60th of that, and the shortest moving at 1/3600th of the knob's speed. This has been observed to be the only method of providing power to SCP-XXXX.
SCP-XXXX has been observed to serve as a base for all other clocks worldwide, regardless of timezone, displacement, or manner. All tested clocks have been observed to move at a rate directly based upon that of SCP-XXXX, even if designed to move at a faster or slower rate than is expected. This effect has been observed to extend to atomic clocks and sundials (see Incident Report XXXX.1).
SCP-XXXX was recovered on ██/██/20██ following a police raid on the residence of █████████ after multiple reports of vandalism and theft in which they were described. Upon entry, it's said that the residence contained ███ clocks, with ███ of which having been confirmed stolen. SCP-XXXX was removed from the residence, believed to have been stolen property, among other non-anomalous objects.
SCP-XXXX ceased normal operation at 2:19 P.M. local time the same day, at which point all clocks effectively froze. Its effects were noted approximately 10 minutes later, when Officer █████████ noted its effect while waiting to clock out. Foundation authorities were contacted and the object was retrieved and transferred to Site ██, alongside ██ other anomalous items not warranting SCP identification.
Further origin information is currently unknown, as █████████ was reported to have committed suicide approximately 24 hours after his capture.
On ██/██/20██, Site ██ was raided by ██ members of the Chaos Insurgency. During this raid, all sources of power to SCP-XXXX's motors were disconnected for approximately 6 hours before maintenance was capable of resolving the issue. During this time period, all observed analog and digital clocks ceased normal operation as expected based on recovery logs. Approximately 15 minutes following the incident's beginning, Foundation agent ███████, positioned at Area ██ at the time, began to notice that the on-site atomic clocks had also ceased normal operation. A report on the topic was promptly filed to personnel assigned to SCP-XXXX.
SCP-XXXX
Item #: SCP-XXXX
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX is to be contained in a secure storage locker at Area ██, with access granted only with written permission from at least four members of the O5 Council, and enforced by no less than two Level-3 Security Personnel assigned to the storeroom. SCP-XXXX's knob is to be continually turned via use of a heavy-duty motor configured to spin at 60 RPM, powered primarily by use of solar power. In the event the primary source of power experiences failure, it is to be connected to a diesel-based generator as a secondary source of power, and to Area ██'s power grid as a last resort.
Description: SCP-XXXX is an analog clock formed out of cast aluminum with an approximate diameter of 9 inches, an approximate depth of 2 inches, and a face with an approximate diameter of 7 inches. SCP-XXXX possesses three hands, correspondent to the standard second, minute, and hour hands found on most other analog clocks. It bears no identifying marks, nor any numerical values on its face.
A ridged knob is located on the item's backside, approximately 0.5 inches in diameter, used to adjust the current time displayed upon the device. A small hatch believed to house the clock's battery terminals is also located on the item's backside; however, all attempts to open it have proven unsuccessful.
When powered, SCP-XXXX is configured to follow UTC, and appears to directly impact the passage of time on Earth, serving as a "baseline" for all other clocks worldwide. All forms of clocks tested have been observed to speed up or slow down directly proportional to the speed of SCP-XXXX, including other forms of analog and digital clocks, as well as normally non-configurable timekeeping devices, such as sundials. Due to the nature in which they operate, atomic clocks do not seem to be affected by SCP-XXXX, requiring manual adjustment to remain consistency with the proper flow of time.
SCP-XXXX was recovered on ██/██/20██ by Agent █████, who was off-duty at the time, shopping at the local ████████ thrift store. During his shopping, he came to notice multiple objects scattered about marked with odd tags implying anomalous properties, with SCP-XXXX's being "Time-Bending Clock". After basic testing prompted by curiosity, Agent █████ confirmed the item's odd behavior and contacted several other Agents to aid in recovery. ██ Anomalous Objects were recovered during this, with only █ receiving SCP classification.
incident report 1: researcher attempts to open battery terminal repeatedly, fails, gets upset and smacks it, disabling the battery power and causing a brief time-freeze before current containment procedures are implemented. researcher demoted to class-d
testing log 1: slow down the rate at which knob is spun. all clocks slow down, including sundials, but not atomic clocks, giving basic overview of effects. contact with satellites slightly unstable; post-experiment review reveals satellites did not observe any change in speed of orbit, but did observe a speed-up in activity on earth itself, revealing that area of effect is exclusive to earth itself
testing log 2: speed up the rate at which knob is spun. as expected, all clocks but atomic clocks speed up, as does the day itself. contact with satellites slightly unstable again; post-experiment review reveals satellites still did not observe any change in speed of orbit, but did observe all activity on earth slowing down
testing log 3: stop turning the knob altogether. all clocks but atomic clocks freeze as expected, as does the passage of the day. contact with satellites completely lost, attempts to reconnect fail. post-experiment review still fails to connect with satellites which were attempted to be communicated with; other satellites not broadcasted to function fine, and recorded no change in speed of orbit, and instead recorded everything on earth "teleporting" from one location and state to another. either recovery or usage of functioning satellites to analyze broken satellites reveal their transceiver completely fried, suspected cause is overload as all the communication attempts bombarded the satellites simultaneously after the resumption of time
