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Item Description: A history textbook entitled “████████████████ True History of the World: First Edition”, with the placements of 611-911 CE and 1976-2564 CE swapped. Provides mostly-accurate information regarding events that occurred after the date of recovery.
Date of Recovery: ██/██/19██
Location of Recovery: Anonymously donated to ████████████████, a Foundation front company
Current Status: Available in Site-██’s break room. Moved to low-security storage after coffee was almost spilled onto it.
Item Description: A history textbook entitled “████████████████ True History of the World: Second Edition”. The time period of 600-925 CE is detailed after the year 2750 CE. Provides mostly-accurate information regarding events that occurred after the date of recovery. Information regarding triple conjunctions is accompanied by minor cognitohazards.
Date of Recovery: ██/██/19██
Location of Recovery: Anonymously donated to ████████████████, a Foundation front company
Current Status: In medium-security storage at Site-██.
Item Description: A history textbook entitled “████████████████ True History of the World: Third Edition”. Information regarding the contents of the textbook is classified.
Date of Recovery: ██/██/19██
Location of Recovery: Anonymously donated to ████████████████, a Foundation front company
Current Status: In high-security storage at Site-██.
Item Description: A history textbook entitled “████████████████ True History of the World: Fourth Edition”. The contents of the textbook consist mostly of Class-IV cognitohazards.
Date of Recovery: ██/██/19██
Location of Recovery: Anonymously donated to ████████████████, a Foundation front company
Current Status: Classified.
Item Description: The interjection “CYOAR!”. Vocalizations of the interjection are occasionally flagged by Foundation web-crawlers as potential minor cognitohazards. The interjection’s cognitohazardous effects, assuming they indeed exist, are unknown.
Date of “Recovery”: Anomalous properties first discovered by Foundation personnel on 12/12/2012
“Location” of “Recovery”: the YouTube channel “Caddicarus”
Current Status: Uncontained, though under “low-level” surveillance.
Please stop complaining to me about the quotation marks. – Jr. Researcher ██████
Item Description: A 1m x 0.875m x 1m cuboid. Tests suggest a composition of 37% silicon, 3% oxygen, and most of the remaining 60% being chemical elements currently unknown to the general public. Cuboid impairs the movement of anything that happens to be on its surface. Shares strong visual similarities to “soul sand”, a type of block found within the video game Minecraft.
Date of Recovery: 10/31/2010
Location of Recovery: Hell, Michigan, USA
Current Status: In low-security storage at Site-██.
Our chemical composition tests didn’t work on this thing until the Chemistry Update. Because of course. – Researcher ███████
Item Description: Two (2) packs of Bicycle-brand playing cards. Viewing either pack for at least one (1) minute leads to the compulsion to attempt to ride it like a bicycle. Test subjects have also reported music accompanying the compulsion; all have refused to describe the music, claiming to “wanna keep the joke to [themselves].”
Date of Recovery: 10/13/2018; 10/31/2018
Location of Recovery: Mountain Studios, Montreux and Super Bear Studios, Berre-les-Alpes, France; Northeastern University, Boston, Massachusetts, USA
Current Status: In low-security storage at Site-██.
Item Description: A magnetic compass with a radius of 12cm and a thickness of 5cm, partially covered in squid ink and holographic foil. The needle on the compass will point to nearby anomalies under certain conditions. To date, all anomalies detected by the compass were within a 3km radius of the compass, and are/were related in some way to or strongly reminiscent of the video game series Splatoon.
Date of Recovery: ██/██/201█
Location of Recovery: ████████████████, Redmond, Washington, USA
Current Status: Available only to members of the following Mobile Task Forces: MTF γ-6 (“Deep Feeders”), MTF ζ-9 (“Mole Rats”), MTF η-11 (“Savage Beasts”), MTF λ-12 (“████████████████”), MTF λ-14 (“One Star Reviewers”), and MTF μ-4 (“Debuggers”).
On 08/18/2017, the needle of the compass pointed towards the office of ████████████████. Someone left us a message there. Please refer to Document ████████–3340702 for further details. – Site Director ████████████████
Anomalous effects were not present from 07/18/2019 to 07/21/2019. This coincided with one of Splatoon 2’s in-game events… the results of which might be reason for concern. – Junior Researcher ████████
Item Description: A 1m x 0.75m sign featuring the logo of the SCP Foundation, and the following text: “У РОЗРОБЦІ — У распрацоўцы Строящийся — це повідомлення стосується:
‘реактор п'ять’ і ‘реактор шість’ — И вы, «путешественники во времени»: перестаньте писать «добро пожаловать, чтобы умереть» и «Лучшая девушка Уцухо Рейюджи» на стенах! — Эащищать, Удерживать, Сохранять.” Possesses no anomalous properties other than the security breach that it represents.
Date of Recovery: 1█/██/19██
Location of Recovery: Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant, Ukraine
Current Status: In radioactive item storage at Site-██.
Note: The Foundation has yet to find any solid records regarding the anomalous activity reported by the sign’s text.
Item Description: A stainless steel fork with the word “Literally” written onto it. When a sentient being uses the fork to consume something, they will gain anomalous properties related to the item consumed.
Date of Recovery: ██/██/████
Location of Recovery: ████████████████
Current Status: In low-security storage at Site-██. Moved to medium-security storage after D-72297 used the fork to consume a piece of Bazooka-brand bubble gum.
Item Description: A VHS-C videocassette. The tape’s contents are known to follow these patterns:
- A 17-second slide consisting of plain white text on a black background. This slide warns viewers of any flashing lights/cognitohazards/etc. that are currently within the tape’s footage.
- 19 minutes and 45 seconds of static.
What is shown during the remaining 1 minute and 58 seconds varies wildly.
Date of Recovery: ██/██/████
Location of Recovery: ████████████████
Current Status: In low-security storage at Site-███. Moved to medium-security storage after the aforementioned 17-second slide warned of cognitohazards. Moved to high-security storage after multiple staff members inexplicably attempted to destroy the item via pogo sticks.
You know, I bet whoever made this just wanted us to make some crazy logs of it. – Jr. Researcher ██████
Item Description: A 50cm x 32cm piece of paper. On the piece of paper is a list of fictional and non-anomalous entities, and a request for the SCP Foundation to attempt to contain them. Other than the containment breach that it represents, the object has no anomalous properties.
Date of Recovery: 07/17/2020
Location of Recovery: Anonymously donated to ████████████████, a Foundation front company
Current Status: In low-security storage.
RXQFSFASXC… Wario Apparition… What even are half of these things, anyways? – Researcher Ronald Waterford
To whoever made this, [EXPLETIVES REDACTED] for creating an "Errorlust Sans". – Researcher Charlie Freeman
They even have Sirenhead on here, with a request to catalogue it as SCP-6789 specifically. Yeah, keep dreaming, kid. – Researcher Taylor Campbell
I'm just glad someone remembered tane.us. – Researcher Bethany Myers
Event Description: Almost immediately after ████████████████ commented on a nearby vending machine being “out of Pepsi,” a humanoid entity strongly resembling Pepsiman (a fictional character created by the Japanese corporate branch of The Pepsi-Cola Company) appeared from an unknown location and proceeded to run directly into the vending machine. Upon collision, the entity appeared to be “absorbed” by the vending machine. ████████████████ later confirmed that the vending machine was no longer “out of Pepsi.”
Date of Occurrence: 03/04/1999
Location: The break room of Site-██
Follow-up Actions Taken: As only Foundation personnel witnessed the event and its aftermath, no follow-up actions were deemed necessary.
Note: Multiple audio logs that contain audio from during the event have been recovered; the majority of these logs suggest the presence of a music track featured prominently in the Pepsiman commercials. However, the majority of Foundation personnel who were at Site-██ at the time deny having heard the music track during the event.
Name: Junior Researcher ██████████
Date: 04/14/████
Total Items: A copy of a document found within a shipment of bananas to Site-19.
Input: One (1) copy of the aforementioned document.
Setting: 1:1
Output: A figurine of the fictional character Donkey Kong wearing a miniature lab coat embroidered with the SCP Foundation’s logo. Dimensions are approximately 8cm by 8cm by 8cm.
Shame this amiibo doesn’t actually work. – Junior Researcher ██████████
Name: Junior Researcher ██████████
Date: ██/██/2016
Total Items: Five (5) ████████-brand white sleeping caps
Input: One (1) ████████-brand white sleeping cap
Setting: Rough
Output: A small lump of wool.
Input: One (1) ████████-brand white sleeping cap
Setting: Coarse
Output: The same sleeping cap, except with the words “DO NOT WEAR CAUSES NIGHTMARES MUCH BAD PLEASE NO WEAR TOTALLY IS NOT JOKE GUYS” scrawled on it in what appeared to be dried blood. Shortly after this sleeping cap was produced, SCP-682 entered the room, picked up the sleeping cap, and went back to its containment room. There were no casualties. How SCP-682 managed to escape containment unopposed and without triggering security alarms, and why it took the sleeping cap, is still unknown.
Input: One (1) ████████-brand white sleeping cap
Setting: 1:1
Output: The same sleeping cap, except embroidered with a picture of a frog riding a unicycle. Despite the suspicions of several personnel, the sleeping cap displays no anomalous properties.
Input: One (1) ████████-brand white sleeping cap
Setting: Fine
Output: A green sleeping cap with white polka dots. Testing suggests that the cap causes wearers to fall asleep within 30 minutes of wearing the cap.
Input: One (1) ████████-brand white sleeping cap
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A sky-blue sleeping cap. Testing suggests that those who wear it are more likely to experience lucid dreams.
Is "minutes after working on an experiment related to sleep" a good time to say that I need to rest my head a little? Because I need to rest my head a little. SCP-682 says it has one more reason to call humans disgusting, and that it wants me to “pass the brain bleach”. This freaking machine put Dat Boi onto a sleeping cap! How does it know what dat even is?! Seriously, I need some rest. Wake me up in… 15 hours. I’ll be wearing the green sleeping cap. #BuffPuff. G’night. - Junior Researcher ██████████
How and why are so many "gamers" getting access to SCP-914? WHAT IS “DAT BOI”?! – Dr. ██████
The cap 682 took had some… interesting grammatical errors. Ladies and gentlemen, could this be the day that dado actually typed capital letters? – ████████████████
dado keyboard have broken no make fun please – dado
Note: On ██/██/2018 – exactly two years after conducting the tests listed above – an e-mail was sent to multiple Site-19 staff members. The e-mail consisted of a single sentence: “Puff got buffs.” The e-mail’s sender was listed as Junior Researcher ██████████; security camera footage reveals that he apparently wrote and sent the e-mail while sleepwalking.
Player: ████████████████
Statement: “Containment breach of SCP-4975 through SCP-4999, lightning-round style.”
Result: After the manifestation of a SCP-1459-1 instance, SCP-1459 produced black curtains, blocking the view of SCP-1459-1. The following four sounds were produced: a rhythmic cracking, singing, a volcanic eruption, and a lighter being ignited. The curtains were then lifted, revealing the corpse of SCP-1459-1, which was covered in lacerations and 3rd-degree burns.
Note: At the time, the anomaly designated as SCP-4983 was a hologram named “██████”, whose singing could inflict numerous undesirable effects upon listeners. Documentation regarding “██████” was evaluated as possible triggers of SCP-3309; this soon led to the anomaly being redesignated as ███-██████-███ under order of the Ethics Committee.
Players: D-297978; D-297979
Statements: “Land of milk and honey;” “I’ve come to make an announcement: Shadow the Hedgehog’s a {EXPLETIVES REDACTED}.”
Result: SCP-1459-1 instance presented with a laptop displaying the text “Getting Kinky With It.” An unknown substance was rapidly ejected from the laptop screen towards SCP-1459-1, which soon spontaneously exploded. Automated voice prefaced its usual statement with “How’d ya like that, [DATA REDACTED] the moon, you idiot!”
Note: Two cookies produced. Players expressed difficulties in describing the flavor before settling on “hitting ‘Random’ on the Continue screen.” This entry, as well as the termination logs of the players, are saved within Document-1459-29797, which requires Level 4/1459 clearance to view entirely uncensored.
April 10th, 2018: SCP-4800-J was given access to SCP-513, and proceeded to perform Raffi and Michael Creber's "Bananaphone". SCP-4800-J then demanifested, leading to its reclassification as SCP-4800-DJ. The following night, researchers who supervised the performance reported encounters with what would become the new SCP-4800-J.
Item #: SCP-7143-J
Clearance Level 1: Unrestricted
Object Class: Pending
Disruption Class: 2/Vlam
Risk Class: 2/Caution
Special Containment Procedures: At the time of writing, proposed updates to containment procedures regarding SCP-7143-J, as well as proposed redesignations for Researcher Chalmers and Maintenance Associate J. Maloney, are pending O5 review. Site-19 staff are reminded that attempts to seduce, coerce, or otherwise solicit SCP-7143-J in any way will result in disciplinary measures. Additionally, any personnel interacting with SCP-7143-J in a restricted fashion will be required to attend a mandatory harassment sensitivity seminar. Rumors and theories regarding the nature of SCP-7143-J do not currently warrant disciplinary measures.
Description: SCP-7143-J is a metal doorknob on the door to the third floor staff dormitory at Site-19. SCP-7143-J was installed and catalogued by maintenance associate J. Maloney (PoI-714310).
Aside from this main document, all documentation regarding SCP-7143-J is restricted to personnel with Level 3 credentials or higher.
Addendum 7143██████: Personnel Personal Testimony
Note: The following testimony was recorded during an anonymous survey about SCP-7143-J.
Researcher Chambers: I would fuck the shit out of that doorknob.
As of April 2nd, 2018 (the time I'm typing this), the page has a rating of -1, so it might be different by the time you're reading this. Luckily, I put it into the Wayback Machine, because I'm an archive-aholic.
I bring it up because, currently, the scip is a zipper on a wall. Honestly, I expected a Super Mario Odyssey reference based on that alone.
It's been a while.
Some things will be added.
On ██/██/20██, the Foundation recovered what appeared to be documentation of anomalous entities by an amatuer-led third-party. On many occasions, these documents contain inconsistencies with baseline reality, claims of fictional entities potentially being real, and knowledge of the SCP Foundation’s existence. Samples are provided below.
Entity Nickname: Siren Head
Likelihood of Existence in Reality: Low-Medium
Potential Danger: High
First Verified Sighting: 2018
Reports of the entity’s height have varied wildly, though the typical claim is about four stories tall. Produces sounds similar to American tornado sirens. Not known to be contained by or affiliated with SKIP, though commonly rumored to be catalogued as #6789.
Entity Nickname: Cool Guy
Likelihood of Existence in Reality: High
Potential Danger: Baseline Human
First Verified Sighting: 2009
All verified reports are from early 2009 and spring 2014. Most likely possesses intelligence comparable to humans. Has only expressed hostility towards perceived “competitors”.
Entity Nickname: Amazon Paragon
Likelihood of Existence in Reality: All But Confirmed
Potential Danger: Extreme
First Verified Sighting: Unknown
Existence deduced via several SKIP leaks. Located in the Amazon Rainforest. Antediluvian. Very little information is known.
