Pseudogoldcoin's attempts

Concept no. 1 - cultured coffee

SCP-XXXX during recovery

SCP-XXXX

Object class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX is to be stored at Site 58 within a locker that will not allow access of particulate larger than 150 µm. Subjects infected by SCP-XXXX-1 should be terminated as soon as possible in a manner that minimises the capacity for infecting others with SCP-XXXX-1. Remains and waste of terminated subjects previously infected by SCP-XXXX-1 are to be incinerated unless requested for research purposes and approved by a Level-3 member of staff. SCP-XXXX-1 samples are to be treated as class 3 biohazards and can be safely stored as such.

Description: SCP-XXXX is a French press made of glass, stainless steel and polytetrafluoroethylene. SCP-XXXX displays no anomalous qualities until it has been used to brew any form of coffee for more than 12 minutes, at which point SCP-XXXX-1 manifests and begin to breed within the liquid coffee contained within SCP-XXXX. The means by which SCP-XXXX-1 manifests in currently unknown.

SCP-XXXX-1 is a sub-species of Vibrio Cholerae which displays increased resistance to temperature, enhanced breeding rates and produces cases of cholera with more serious effects than that seen in previously encountered sub-species of Vibrio Cholerae, with a mean incubation time of 12 minutes within a human host. Cases of cholera caused by SCP-XXXX-1 will persist until the subject is deceased regardless of the capabilities of the subject's immune system. Cells of SCP-XXXX-1 are ignored by the human immune-response system despite extensive tissue damage from dehydration, renal failure and other associated symptoms of cholera, as well as ███████ ██████ ███████. While infected with SCP-XXXX-1, subjects will demand more coffee, preferably from SCP-XXXX.

The fineness of the ground coffee brewed within SCP-XXXX will have an effect on the time period between beginning to brew and manifestation of SCP-XXXX-1. Coarsely ground coffee of below-average pricing will decrease the period of time before the manifestation of SCP-XXXX-1, with a mean manifestation time of █ minutes. Expensive coffee of a standard French Press ground will take the longest to manifest SCP-XXXX-1 with a mean interval of 22 minutes. The minimum amount of coffee and water required to manifest SCP-XXXX-1 varies despite identical volumes, masses and materials being used in tests, however a mean amount of 6 grams of coffee per 25 ml of liquid has been established as the minimum for SCP-XXXX-1 manifestation.

+ Test log SCP-XXXX-A

Test SCP-XXXX-A

Subject: D-50864 and SCP-XXXX
Procedure: D-50864 used a set of coffee grains from the Site 58 cafeteria to make coffee using SCP-XXXX, allowed this to brew for 12 minutes, then poured coffee into a provided mug and drank the coffee.
Results: D-50864 successfully brewed and consumed coffee from SCP-XXXX, remarking on the bitterness of the coffee. 3 minutes after initially consuming contents of SCP-XXXX, D-50864 begins to clean SCP-XXXX and make more coffee as detailed in procedure, despite staff orders not to. After 10 minutes, D-50864 began to complain of feeing incredibly nauseous, then began to excrete a thin, milky substance from every available orifice. A medical team equipped with Hazmat equipment rated for class 3 pathogens kept on standby attempted to administer an IV drip to counter SCP-XXXX-1s effects, however the rate of fluid intake from provided drip was estimated to be ██% less than that necessary to prevent net loss of bodily fluid. D-50864 terminated due to extensive fluid loss and bodily shock. Medical team was uncontaminated by SCP-XXXX-1 and samples of SCP-XXXX-1 were taken from D-50864's cadaver and ejected bodily fluids.
Analysis: The effect of SCP-XXXX-1 on human biology is consistent with that seen before SCP-XXXX was brought into containment, though the rate at which D-50864 was terminated by SCP-XXXX-A is much faster than expected. A sample of nerve cells from D-50864 contain no traces of caffeine despite the amount ingested and being along the mode of transition for caffeine. Analysis of SCP-XXXX-1 cells suggests these have taken up as much free caffeine as possible within solution before it could be taken up by D-50864's body.

+ Test log SCP-XXXX-B

Test SCP-XXXX-B

Subject: Dr K███ and SCP-XXXX
Procedure: Dr K███ was equipped with class 3 pathogen-hazmat equipment used coffee grains from Site 58's cafeteria to make coffee within SCP-XXXX and allowed this to brew for 12 minutes. After brewing, Dr K███ poured coffee from SCP-XXXX into a sealable biohazard container for later study.
Results: Procedure was enacted with no issues arising. After pouring away all liquid inside SCP-XXXX and sealing biohazard container, the remaining slurry within SCP-XXXX began to vibrate heavily. Dr K███ left the room without incident.
Analysis: Sample from test B confirmed positive for SCP-XXXX-1. Collected sample also had a lower caffeine concentration than a control sample prepared in a non-anomalous French press.

I guess this test means we won't have to use a D-class any time soon on this SCP. Not everyone can afford to just sip coffee and die. - Dr K███.

+ Test log SCP-XXXX-C

Test SCP-XXXX-C

Subject: SCP-XXXX, Dr K███ and one (1) 330 ml can of ███████-brand energy drink
Procedure: The contents of the can of energy drink were poured into SCP-XXXX. Liquid samples from SCP-XXXX were then withdrawn every 10 seconds.
Results: SCP-XXXX-1 manifested within energy drink within less than 10 seconds and had saturated contents of SCP-XXXX within 30 seconds. A solid yellow slurry was noted to form at the base of SCP-XXXX within this time frame and agitated contents of SCP-XXXX without input from Dr K███. Slurry seemed to lunge towards Dr K███ and seemingly splattered itself over Dr K███'s biohazard suit. Despite attempts to remove slurry, Dr K███'s suit was breached and Dr K███ was directly exposed to and infected by SCP-XXXX-1. Incubation period of this case of SCP-XXXX-1 was noted to be ███ seconds, though emergency procedures and medical attention prevented Dr K███'s immediate death.
Analysis: Further tests of caffeinated items that do not resemble traditional coffee should not be conducted with SCP-XXXX. Attempts at treating Dr K███, henceforth designated subject-XXXX-K have so far proven ineffective and subject-XXXX-K has been placed into an artificially induced coma. Analysis of subject-XXXX-K's breached biohazard suit has revealed the breached was caused by constant grinding of particulate matter against the suit, removing the suit material at an estimated rate of 2 cm³ per second. Collected particulate matter is 93% SCP-XXXX-1 by mass. Whether SCP-XXXX is directing SCP-XXXX-1 to attack others or if SCP-XXXX-1 is acting independently is unknown at this stage.

+ Ethics Committee review of case #789524: Dr K███

Ethics committee review XXXX-K-1

As a result of accident, Dr K███ has been placed into an artificially induced coma. Due to having a self-placed DNR request on his personnel form and considering the nature of his condition, Dr K███ is to be used as an alternative source of SCP-XXXX-1 for testing purposes under artificially induced coma. In the event that a cure or means of preventing the spread of infection of SCP-XXXX-1 comes to light, Dr K███ is to be terminated as an infected subject according to SCP-XXXXs Special Containment Procedures.

Concept no. 2 - The Selector

SCP-XXXX

Object class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX may be safely stored in a standard human containment cell with sufficient power access for its continued functionality that has been stripped of all furnishings bar a small desk placed in front of SCP-XXXX. SCP-XXXX is to be presented with at least 2 logic or ethical problems by way of pictures per day. Possible applications of SCP-XXXX for Ethics Committee use are currently under consideration. SCP-XXXXs responses to logical problems are to be ignored for real-world applications following Incident SCP-XXXX-I-4.

Description: SCP-XXXX is a mechanical construct that consists of a cylinderical base measuring 0.7 m tall with a diameter of 0.3 m. This cylinder is topped with a human torso, arms and what resembles a CCTV camera for a head and has a total height of 1.5 m at rest. Except for a carving of the phrase "Willy the Wise" on its base, SCP-XXXX has no identifying marks.

SCP-XXXX was recovered from a survey of an unused warehouse to store additional anomalous items. SCP-XXXX was found at this site connected to the main power supply with two images and a note (See document SCP-XXXX-R1 for note contents). The two images detail the two answers of a question about an asteroid heading to Earth. One of the answers was seemingly to do nothing, and allow Earth to be destroyed. The other answer was to destroy the asteroid before it impacted Earth, albeit causing some damage to Earth. SCP-XXXX was found in a contemplative pose, staring at the two images continuously.

Following recovery to Site 704, Dr Thanet has taken responsibility for testing SCP-XXXX.

+ Test results for SCP-XXXX

Test 1: Philipa Foot's Trolley Problem.
Items used for testing: a piece of paper with the details of the trolley problem was presented to SCP-XXXX with two separate cards. Card one said "do not pull the lever" and the second said "pull the lever".
SCP-XXXXs reaction: SCP-XXXX pointed directly into its camera after 10 minutes.
Implication(s): SCP-XXXX is implied to either not understand English or was calling itself the answer. Tests with all other known languages (including those discovered upon SCP-████, SCP-████ and SCP-███) all prompted the same results.

Test 2: Phillipa Foot's Trolley Problem.
Images used:
Image 1: a trolley is depicted heading into the direction of five people tied to the trolley's tracks, while an alternative track with one person tied exists. A person stands at a lever that is implied to switch the track with their arms crossed.
Image 2: the person at the lever has pulled the lever instead of remaining inactive, causing the trolley to switch to the set of tracks with one person tied down, sparing the five people of the original track.
SCP-XXXXs action: SCP-XXXX appears incapable of making a decision for 5 minutes. It then proceeds to point at image 2.
Implication(s): SCP-XXXX seems at face to have Utilitarian ethics, however the inability to immediately select an answer may be a result of either conflicting thoughts or processing speed.

Test 3: Pascal's Wager
Images used:
Image 1: A person is shown praying at an altar.
Image 2: A person is shown shunning the altar used in image 1.
SCP-XXXXs action: After 3 minutes, SCP-XXXX pointed at image 2.
Implication(s): SCP-XXXX is likely of an atheistic standpoint, promotes gambling or asserts that there is no form of afterlife that can be affected by human action or inaction.

Test 4: Hernandez's Problem
Images used: all images used are implications of the 20 different answer's presented in Hernandez's Problem as part of the Ethics Committee.
SCP-XXXXs action: SCP-XXXX pointed immediately at image 4, an answer correlating to [REDACTED]. This action has only been selected in 0.8% of Foundation tests with Hernandez's Problem.
Implication(s): SCP-XXXXs immediate reaction to more complex problems may mean that its reaction speed is inversely related to the complexity of the problem. SCP-XXXX's answer is consistent with empathetic and classically benevolent individuals

+ Incident report I-XXXX-1

On 16/8/20██ at 15:36:00, Site 704 experienced a sudden and severe power drain site-wide for 5 minutes. This led to containment procedures for SCP-███ and SCP-████ failing and Kant Sudden Reality Deviance alarms being set off site-wide, with a measured strength of 6.3 Humes. Both SCPs were recontained without incident. The power drain was traced back by site technicians to SCP-XXXX, which was seemingly consuming power at a rate of ██ MwH during the power drain. Images detailing the Schrodinger's cat paradox was presented to SCP-XXXX, which proceeded to pick both images. Kant meters immediately measured a return to the standard 1 Humes.

Dr Thanet reviewed SCP-XXXXs testing log and found that the last test on SCP-XXXX had occurred exactly 24 hours prior to incident I-XXXX-1. Containment procedures of SCP-XXXX were updated to prevent future incidents similar to I-XXXX-1 occurring.

+ Incident report I-XXXX-2

Agent T█████ was found presenting an unscheduled problem to SCP-XXXX. This problem consisted of whether it would be better for a person to allow a case of cancer to run its course, perform euthanasia or attempt treatment. SCP-XXXXs answer was to attempt treatment. Agent T█████ stated that if his husband should fight against a recent diagnosis of lung cancer or to otherwise accept death. Agent T█████ given an official warning and had his pay suspended for one week.

Addendum I-XXXX-2-A: Agent T█████'s husband, R███ T█████, died of complications realting to his cancer approximately 8 months after incident I-XXXX-2. Agent T█████ committed suicide 3 days later, with a note stating that "I can't do this anymore, not without R███. Fuck your robot and fuck the lot of you, I hope that you all get Montauked." Agent T█████ had been described by staff members as becoming increasingly aggitated by work, disassociated with his colleagues and had been involved in several violent incidents within the previous 4 months.

+ Incident report I-XXXX-3

+ Incident report I-XXXX-4

During a containment breach of SCP-████, Junior Researcher J██████ sketched four different means of re-containing SCP-████. SCP-XXXX selected measure 3, which involved [DATA EXPUNGED]. Attempted application of measure 3 for recontainment resulted in a further █ containment breaches with ██ casualties and ███ wounded Foundation personnel. ███ additional foundation personnel are currently undergoing psychological thearapy following this breach. MTFs delta-31, omega-4 and epsilon-2 were drafted from nearby sites to aid in recontainment and were able to do so successfully after 9 hours. It is theorised that SCP-XXXX may have deliberately chosen method 3 to cause the maximum amount of harm to individuals, which is consistent with previous events.

+ SCP-XXXX-R1 transcription: Level-3 access required

To whomever it may concern,

My world is about to suffer a major catastrophe, the means of which I do not know except that it will be disastrous and likely destroy my people's civilisation. As the foremost mechanic of my world with a certain understanding of reality, I created a machine to determine if we should act on our fate or accept it using my own consciousness as a guide with greater access to the cold, hard numbers of reality. Now that I have my answer, I have posited another solution to the machine, but for safeguarding I have found a way to send to machine to your world.

I ask that you use this machine to determine how best to save yourselves if the worst is to happen while retaining your sanity and your soul. All it needs is energy and pictures and it will answer the best way it can. I hope that in the process of transversing the barrier between universes that it remains unharmed and serves your kind faithfully.

Kind regards,
Will "Willy" Clay

P.S. The design is a little weird, I know, but hopefully this oversimplified bodyplan won't spook you. I can't even imagine life as a single form, personally.