NOTICE FROM THE FOUNDATION RECORDS AND INFORMATION SECURITY ADMINISTRATION
The following contains content related to self-harm. Reader discretion is advised.
— Maria Jones, Director, RAISA
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX is to be kept in a sealed storage container. A mixed detachment of ground/air elements from MTF Nu-7 ("Hammer Down") are to coordinate with on-site security to ensure adequate protection from hostile groups of interest. Destruction of SCP-XXXX is considered an unacceptable risk, and it is not to be stored at any facility which relies on an on-site warhead as a containment fail-safe. Testing is suspended in light of Incident GH-21.
Description: SCP-XXXX superficially resembles a 20th century adding machine. However, 26 keys have been replaced with human teeth, into which the Latin alphabet has been carved. No commercial brand or other identifying information is present on the device. Inspection of the auxiliary keys suggests that they come from multiple hosts. SCP-XXXX possesses an anomalous ability to answer abstract, non-numerical queries.
SCP-XXXX was brought to the attention of the Foundation when Harold Grimaldi, a graduate student at the Niels Bohr Institute in Copenhagen, Denmark, mentioned the device in a post on the ████████ Reddit forum. Grimaldi was detained by Foundation agents under the pretense of a police investigation into the trafficking of human remains and the post involving it was deleted. Following a brief interview (attached), SCP-XXXX was seized from the location given by Grimaldi, who was subsequently amnesticized and released.
Interviewed: Harold Grimaldi, Doctoral Candidate, Niels Bohr Institute
Interviewer: Foundation Agent William Pedersen
<Begin Log>
Pedersen: Godmorgen, Herre Grimaldi.
Grimaldi: Can we do this in English, please?
Pedersen: If you wish. That accent is American, yes?
Grimaldi: Something tells me you already know it is. Where's my lawyer?
Pedersen: Procedure dictates we identify the source of any human remains we discover, including teeth.
Grimaldi: Wait, those were real?
Pedersen: That's what they're telling me.
Grimaldi: Jesus!
Pedersen: It's in your best interest to just give us the information we need. I've prepared a statement of immunity to any trafficking charges if you cooperate.
[Grimaldi hesitates.]
Grimaldi: I guess, can I have that statement?
[Pedersen provides a fabricated immunity statement, which Grimaldi signs.]
Grimaldi: So what do you want to know?
Pedersen: Where did you find the adding machine?
Grimaldi: There's an old room, number ███, that's always about to be renovated- has been since the 40's, according to the tour guides. It's full of old junk, but the adding machine stuck out to me.
Pedersen: Because of the teeth?
Grimaldi: It actually made me feel uneasy before I realized what they were.
Pedersen: What do you mean?Grimaldi: I was anxious. I suddenly wanted to go back to America.
Pedersen: You mean you were homesick?
Grimaldi: Not exactly. More like- like it wasn't safe to be here.
Pedersen: Here as in…?
Grimaldi: Denmark. Europe in general, really. No offense.
Pedersen: None taken. That didn't deter you from photographing the adding machine, though?
Grimaldi: I don't know- I didn't think it was weird to be freaked out by a calculator with teeth. I figured maybe the internet would know what the deal was.
Pedersen: I think that covers most of our questions. Before you go though, why were you in that back room?
Grimaldi: I like to smoke in there, sometimes.
<End Log>
A search of the discovery site, room ███, yielded a length of paper tape matching that of SCP-XXXX. The tape contained a message recorded in blood. A transcription of the message is attached.
I write to the present statesmen of Europe who would work to repress the human mind. I write on behalf of the physicist who has fled from you, has capitulated and lied for you, has been jailed or killed by you. The damage you have done to a golden age of quantum mechanics is incalculable. You have sowed the wind, and it is only appropriate that you reap the whirlwind. Here is the fruit of your efforts- a tool to help you understand the world without quantum mechanics. It is my sincere hope that you choke on it.
SCP-XXXX was operated by D-class 57036 under the instruction of Senior Researcher Alexis Straum.
Test | Input | Output | Researcher Notes |
---|---|---|---|
T-4/5/21-A |
"2+2=" |
"4" | |
T-4/5/21-F |
"What ground-state energy does the Bohr model predict for the hydrogen atom?" |
"-2.179e-18 J" | D-57036 reports having no knowledge of the Bohr model, but this result is correct. The Bohr model involves quantized energy levels- Significance of the discovered letter remains unclear. |
T-4/5/21-G |
"What mechanism does nitrogenase use to perform ambient nitrogen fixation in bacteria?" |
"It doesn't." | This is the first confirmed instance of the device giving an incorrect response. Apparently it will "ignore" the existence of quantum effects in difficult calculations.1 |
- Phone Log, 6/3/21
- Conference Log, 6/4/21
- Conference Log, 12/25/21
- Conference Log, 1/15/22
- Conference Log, 6/5/23
- Conference Log, 3/2/24
- Conference Log, 9/13/25
- Ethics Meeting Log, 10/1/25
Transcribed phone call between Senior Researcher Alexis Straum and Site Director Emma Silverman, 6/3/21:
<Begin Log>
Straum:: Silverman, it's Straum. Have you been watching the news?
Silverman: The soybean thing?
Straum: Yeah, the soybean thing. I think that might be on me.
[Silverman sighs.]
Straum: I tried to use SCP-XXXX to characterize the mechanism used by nitrogenase to produce ammonia. It said there is no such mechanism.
Silverman: So?
Straum: Guess what crops happen to rely on nitrogen-fixing bacteria to survive?
Silverman Oh, Goddammit, Lexi.
Straum: It gets worse. If bacteria can't add nitrogen to the soil, eventually the soil can't support any plant life.
Silverman: And that's going to happen everywhere on Earth?
Straum: Unless the Foundation can stop it.
[Silverman pauses.]
Silverman: Okay, tomorrow, 9 a.m., we meet with Kumar, Sanders, and Arkin. I'll let the O5's know what's going on.
Straum: Involving Chemical and Biological makes sense, but why Arkin?
Silverman: Because we can't afford to wait for science to fail before we try magic.
Transcribed meeting between Site Director Emma Silverman and Senior Researchers David Arkin, Harish Kumar, Carol Sanders, and Alexis Straum, 6/4/21:
<Begin Log>
Silverman: Okay, for anyone who's behind on their NPR: soybeans and other legumes are dying en masse. Straum thinks she knows why.
Straum: I tried to use SCP-XXXX to predict a chemical mechanism for the nitrogenase enzyme.
Kumar: Oh, neat. Did it work?
Straum: Technically, yes. The object apparently destroyed the mechanism, and then told us as much.
Kumar: What do you mean?
Straum: Nitrogenase no longer functions anywhere on Earth.
Sanders: So this isn't one bad soybean crop- it's a failure of the entire nitrogen system?
Straum: I believe so.
Sanders: Can we just modify an inactive part of the enzyme? Would that count as a "different" mechanism?
Straum: I doubt it- the skip already affected all nitrogenase on Earth, regardless of minor individual deviations in structure.
Kumar: Maybe the computer only affected the active sites? We could try tweaking those?
Silverman: Do it. Kumar, identify candidate groups in the active sites for substitution. Sanders, you're on genetic modification. Straum, you're in charge.Straum: Understood.
Silverman: Good. Arkin…
Arkin: Yeah?
Silverman: Got any anomalous ideas?
Arkin: Let me get back to you.
<End Log>
Transcribed meeting between Site Director Emma Silverman and Senior Researchers David Arkin, Harish Kumar, Carol Sanders, and Alexis Straum, 12/25/21:
<Begin Log>
Silverman: Let me start by saying- thanks for all coming in today. I know the end of the world feels like a pretty mundane threat when you work here, and I appreciate your professionalism. That said, it doesn't feel like we've gotten anywhere with GH-21. We've got a lot of starving people and a lot more starving livestock. Operations is running a disinformation campaign on the cause of this- turns out, Eden isn't such a stretch from what climate scientists were already scared of. An arid world is still unacceptable for obvious reasons, though. Where's the enzyme modification initiative at?
Sanders: We've exhausted our tricks. We can't find any modification or set of modifications that will perform ambient nitrogen fixation. Short of replacing the metal centers themselves, I don't think it will work.
Kumar: For perspective, chemists have essentially been trying to do that for over a century now. I think it's safe to say the Foundation has reached the limits of non-anomalous science.
Silverman: Then we move on to anomalous science. Arkin? You mentioned to me that you had something.
Arkin: After reading the documentation, I think thaumaturgical commune with the maker of the skip is our best bet.
Silverman: What, like a seance?
Arkin: Kind of. Without boring you with the theory, I think we can use the device as a sort of Ouija board. Maybe there's some way to placate the spirit of vengeance behind it.
Straum: This is asinine.
Silverman: We don't have the luxury of being reasonable right now, Straum. If there's any chance of success, we have to take it.
Arkin: I need 2 weeks, and 3 lab assistants. Also, I need an operating budget of $100,000.
Straum: Are you hiring Bill Murray to do an exorcism?Arkin: Thaumaturgical components don't come cheap.
Silverman: Approved. Sanders, Kumar, you're dismissed. Straum and I will reconvene with Arkin when he's ready to conduct this… ritual.
<End Log>
Transcribed meeting between Site Director Emma Silverman and Senior Researchers David Arkin and Alexis Straum, 1/15/22:
<Begin Log>
Straum: Why does this room smell like a college dorm, Arkin?
Arkin: That's the smell of incense, Lexi. And not my college dorm. I only got high on our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
Straum: That smugness really suits you, David.
Arkin: Thanks, I grew it mys-
Silverman: Get a room already. Arkin, what are we doing here?
Arkin: I've created the ideal conditions for commune with SCP-XXXX's origin- leyline coincidence is optimal, and the incense should help anchor any entities that are nearby in imaginary Hume space. Now we need to give a signal to those entities.
Straum: So what, you say "Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary" three times?
[Arkin laughs.]
Arkin: Close. You'll be the one communing with it- you have the strongest connection to Eden.
Straum: So what do I actually do?
[Arkin produces a quill and an inkwell containing a red liquid, setting them beside SCP-XXXX.]
Arkin: Tell me what you want to tell the machine. I'm going to write your message onto the paper tape, then load it back into the machine.
Straum: Oh, good; I was worried this idea was going to be stupid. What is it I'm supposed to say?
Arkin: Whatever you think they'll want to hear. Are you ready?
Straum: I guess. [She hesitates.] Tell it, "The Nazis lost. So did Stalin. Quantum mechanics is accepted science now, with no real opposition. Please don't kill our planet for their sins."[Arkin records the message, then loads the tape. After a few seconds, the keys move on their own, and a message is transcribed in black ink to the paper tape output. Arkin takes the new tape and reads aloud.]
Arkin: "Fascism did not die with Adolf Hitler. Valuing ideology above evidence did not die with Joseph Stalin. Politicians ignore scientists instead of purging them. Capital commits mass murder with carbon dioxide instead of Zyklon. If you had not inherited this dying world, you would have created your own."
[The three try for several minutes to solicit another reply from SCP-XXXX, but receive no response.]Straum: Fuck.
Arkin: Indeed.
Silverman: We'll meet again tomorrow to discuss alternatives. We have thousands of anomalies at our disposal- one of them has to be a solution.
<End Log>
Transcribed meeting between Site Director Emma Silverman and Operations Director Ralph Lorentz, 6/5/23:
<Begin Log>
Lorentz: I take it you didn't call me in to tell me you've fixed this?
Silverman: Unfortunately, no. Alexis Straum in Physics is still working with David Arkin in Thaumaturgics to try to get nitrogenase working again, but it's been three years now. The O5's want us to cede primary jurisdiction of Starving Eden to your guys. I guess three years is the magic number where this is the new normal.
Lorentz: I'm sorry.
Silverman: I knew you were behind this somehow.
[They both laugh.]
Lorentz: Okay, well, we're already running disinformation- what actually changes?
Silverman: The overseers want Operations to start manipulating certain governments- mainly China, India, and Russia- to nationalize their fertilizer industries. They think deprivatization is the best way to keep as much of the Earth synthetically fertilized as possible.
Lorentz: Not the U.S.?
Silverman: There isn't an anomaly in the world more powerful than the American lobbyist, and chemical interests would never go for this.
Lorentz: I see. Anything else?
Silverman: You'll also be working to increase government spending on institutions conducting research into the long-term replacement of the Haber-Bosch process for ammonia synthesis.
Lorentz: Why?
Silverman: It takes a lot of energy to make ammonia without nitrogenase. Realistically, we'll run out of energy within a couple decades of keeping the Earth alive that way.
Lorentz: Cool. Cool, cool, cool. Okay, is there, like, a binder you can give me?
Silverman: I'll email you the details you'll need. For the record, we aren't giving up on this, even if the O5's have.
<End Log>
Transcribed meeting between Site Director Emma Silverman and Senior Researchers David Arkin and Alexis Straum, 3/2/24:
<BEGIN LOG>
Silverman: Did you two realize that this is our 100th meeting about Eden?
Arkin: I'd say 'break out the champagne,' but who needs an excuse to drink these days?
Straum: Jesus, Arkin, when's the last time you shaved?
Arkin: When's the last time you shut up?
Silverman: Look, Arkin, the Foundation offers counseling if the lack of progress is getting to-
Arkin: I'm fine. Late night. I can start with cup size if you both really want to talk about it.
Straum: David, you're obviously-
Silverman: Sorry for prying, Arkin. We won't push it.
Arkin: Proposal GH-21-K failed. Surprise.
Straum: What's next on the list?
Silverman It says here that GH-21-L is to try to replace the liquid in Ritual 631-G, "Crimson Monsoon" with ammonia and increase the affected area of the ritual. Is that something you can do, Arkin?
[Arkin stares out a window for several seconds before sighing.]
Arkin: I can try.
<END LOG>
Note: Senior Researcher David Arkin was assigned one week of paid, compulsory leave by Site Director Emma Silverman following this meeting. His leave was ended prematurely by overseer O5-█, with the following message to the Site Director:
Director Silverman,
We die in the darkness so that others can live in the light, even if the darkness is in our own heads. Your concern for Senior Researcher Arkin is admirable, but every day that Eden starves, a new civil war breaks out over who gets the few crumbs that the poor can drag out of the ground. Arkin signed up to sacrifice his health and well-being, same as the rest of us.O5-█
Transcribed meeting between Site Director Emma Silverman and Senior Researchers David Arkin and Alexis Straum, 9/13/25:
<BEGIN LOG>
Silverman: Hey, how are you guys holding up?
Straum: I'm cautiously optimistic, I guess. Things seem to be stabilizing in the new world, even if we haven't gotten the old one back, yet.
Arkin: [Laughing] Yet?
Straum: Come on, Arkin, we're all here because we still believe we can fix this.
Arkin: Open your eyes, Lexi. This is the world now. It's stabilizing under the grip of, like, five different corporations that effectively own life itself. We're living in an anti-Monsanto zine from 10 years ago.
Silverman: Arkin, I've cut you a lot of slack, but you can't actively undermine the morale of this initiative.
Arkin Or what? You'll suspend me? You tried that before. [He laughs, struggling to choke back tears.] The O5's could give a shit.
Straum David-
Arkin: Forget it. I'm still working on GH-21-AC. Any questions on that?
[The other two remain silent.]
Arkin: Great, see you in two weeks.
<END LOG>
Note: Senior Researcher David Arkin was assigned two months of paid, compulsory leave by Site Director Emma Silverman following this meeting. His leave was ended prematurely by overseer O5-█, with the following message to the Site Director:
Absolutely not. Take it up with Ethics if you need somebody to explain the urgency of what we're doing here.
O5-█
Transcribed meeting of Ethics committee members Lily Chen, Micheal Levine, and Saul Jacobson, convening to discuss a human resources dispute regarding Senior Researcher David Arkin, 10/1/25:
<BEGIN LOG>
Jacobson: Okay, next order of business- David Arkin in Thaumaturgics. Complaint by his supervisor says he's been working nonstop since '21 on Starving Eden, and the Overseers won't let her make him take any personal time.
Levine: Makes sense. He's mission-critical, and Eden might as well be K-class.
Jacobson: The supervisor thinks he's a danger to himself, but the assigned psychiatrist disagreed.
Chen: It's not hard to lie to a shrink.
Levine: Why would he lie?
Chen: Because men famously don't respect therapy, and this therapy was compulsory. What do his co-workers think?
Jacobson: His subordinates say he's the same as always. Profile says he spends most of his time with the supervisor and a physicist, Alexis Straum.Chen: What did she say?
Jacobson: She agrees with the Site Director, thinks he's losing it.
Levine: It says here they used to be married? Did they get divorced over Eden?
Jacobson: No, it was a few years before. You think it matters?
Chen: Everything matters. Question is, "How much?" What did Straum say?
Jacobson: She says he's always been depressed, but not this bad. I think we should file an -835 and override the O5s on this.
Levine: Why?
Jacobson: His quality of life has to be worth something. We're cold, not cruel. I take it you disagree?
Levine: Yeah. Eden is more important than one man. I agree with the O5 memo- we all signed up to die in the darkness, Arkin included.
Jacobson: Maybe if he has a few weeks to get his mind right, he'll be more productive.
Levine: Looks like you're the tiebreaker, Lily.
Chen: We let the decision stand. I think the productivity argument is speculative at best. We're advocates of humanity, not of David Arkin. If he thinks he can grit his teeth and push through, we can't afford to stop him.
<END LOG>
To: Alexis Straum
From: David Arkin
Subject: Goodbye
Lexi,
It's been half a decade now. You know I don't blame you for Eden, but I can't watch it anymore. The wars, the famine. I know I'm a piece of shit for complaining when so many people have it so much worse, but I can't keep banging my head against this wall. For what it's worth, I never stopped loving you in whatever small, sad way I knew how to- you'll always be my Honey Magnolia.
-David
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